All Wet: Kakashi learns the new meaning of hygiene; Susuke learns what true horror is; Sakura is no Madonna; and Naruto perfects the art of a pervert. Oneshot.

Disclaimer: If only, if only the plot bunny sings.

Image: Naruto Tensei Chap 6 - Coverby by nekoni

Rating: Teen.

…

Splash, splash I was taking a bath,

And why the hell are you in here watching me!

…

Kakashi sat there on the metal railing, the wind blowing through his hair and the pages of his 'Make-Out Paradise' until the wind settled once again. The ninja sighed and looked down at his lone student. Sasuke just stared out into space. The elder ninja shook his head, "So where exactly are Sakura and Naruto?"

The young Uchiha rolled his eyes. "They're probably making out in a broom closet somewhere or trying on each others dresses," The boy smiled at the next plausible and most enjoyable thought, "… or more then likely; Sakura has chopped the idiot into tiny little pieces, buried his bloody decaying flesh under her parents floor boards, and is then using his blood as her perfume to ward of idiots." His voice was barely above a whisper but was still dripping with sarcasm. He didn't have time for this. He had better things to do like … like … Okay, he didn't have better things to do, but he sure the hell wasn't going to tell his pervert of a teacher that. Kakashi would probably make him do something horrible like alphabetize his porn or … the teenager winced at the thought … shave his back.

Kakashi glared at him dully with his lone eye. This kid had way too much time. " … Okay, now tell me where they really are or," The older ninja pulled off his shirt revealing the horror. He then pulled a shaver out and stated, "You can shave my back."

The young genin fell back in a wail of agony as he threw his hands over his eyes. "My eyes! They burn! They burn!" Hissed Sasuke as he rolled and thrashed about on the ground in hysteria.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. It was better then giving him a sponge bath. Little cocky bastard. Here he can attack an enemy twice his size and not even flinch, but when it comes to a little hair he acts like he's dieing. "Fine. I won't make you shave my back." The young genin stopped thrashing about and dared to open one of his eyes. The pervert tried not to laugh. Idiot. "You can give me a sponge bath instead." He cooed as he pulled out a yellow sponge shaped ducky that quaked when squeezed.

"No! Anything but the ducky! Anything!" Cried the ravened-haired teenager as he rose to his feet ready to make a run for it. Sadly, Kakashi predicted his prey's move and did the famous 'I'll sit on your back and crush your spine move'. Sasuke desperately tried to escape his teacher's butt by trying to claw his way away with his free arm. When that didn't work he started gnawing at his shoulder praying that he'd chew off the lower part of his body and escape... and then slowly bleed to death in a most horrible fashion. The teenager stopped gnawing for a moment at the thought, but then started gnawing at his flesh with an even greater revenge. Death was far better then that! Anything was better then that! The horror, the horror!

Kakashi patted the boy on his shoulder once he finally drew blood. "You can stop gnawing at yourself. Just tell me where pretty woman and the little freak went and we'll train instead."

Sasuke stopped eating himself for a moment. Was this a trap? Hell, he didn't care. He just didn't want to touch … the ducky. Oh, how that horrid yellow thing haunted his nightmares. "Naruto's probably trying to kill himself by choking on some ramen and Sakura said something about having to wash her hair. Please! Anything, but the ducky!"

…

A lone sweat drop ran down Naruto's brow as he watched Sakura slowly make her way to the public baths. He had waited his whole life for this. Years of training and discipline had finally led him to this. He was going to see Sakura's ho-ho's. He felt a nose bleed come on at the thought. Yah, everyone in ninja academy said she was flat chested, but that didn't matter. Hooters were hooters and hormones were hormones. If he got caught he'd just blame it on Kakashi and his perverted influence. Everyone in the entire village knew Kakashi read those dirty novels so that part would be easy … but now the real hard part was just coming up. How was he supposed to get into the girl's bath when he wasn't a chick? The blonde stood there scratching his head like an idiot until it finally hit him. "Plastic surgery! I'll get fake hooters." The wind blew past him in a dead kind of way. "No … that isn't right. How about I burrow a hole under the baths and … I don't have a shovel." The young genin stood there a moment more until an evil grin took over his face. "Ninja Centerfold!" In a blur of smoke he was suddenly a very hot blonde with very little on … just a thin layer of smoke. He smiled as he walked pass the passed-out worker with the nosebleed and into the ladies changing room. Nobody said a damn thing or even suspected him as he made his way into the women's changing room. "I'm so smart sometimes I scare myself."

And so the young ninja stood there looking like a total lesbian as he watched woman of all ages and sizes dress and get undress. He was sure he had gone to heaven until a really fat lady … really, really fat lady … started to remove her protective layering. Naruto squealed in utter horror and made his way to the ladies hot spring. He really didn't want to go blind, at least not before he got to see Sakura's elegant body. Drool dripped down the side of his mouth at the very thought. God was kind today.

…

"Alone at last." Murmured Sakura as she sank into the warm waters of the public bath. This was heaven on earth and she just couldn't help herself … she was going to sing. She loved singing and bathing. It was an enlightening experience … and she had an audience that seemed utterly engrossed by her beauty. Yah, the creepy blonde with pigtails did look a bit odd and familiar, but who cares. This was her time to shine! The girl stood up in a splash of warm water and started in a utterly frightening chorus of 'Like a Virgin.'

"I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new"

Naruto felt his inners jump as the beautiful pink-haired girl stood up and started dancing naked in the steaming water. God, what an awful singing voice, but the hooters… He couldn't deny them. Those two beautiful peach mountains. So beautiful … so giggly.

"Like a virgin

Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine"

The boy found himself in a mad hysteria as she started on the next verse. She was a flat chested love goddess. He … He … before Naruto knew what he had done he had grabbed her by her shoulders, stopping her erotic dance, and smooch! His lips slammed against hers. Sakura froze up with her eyes wide. When the little idiot let go she whimpered. "Um … I'm not a lesbian."

Naruto took a step back and looked down. He was still in his Ninja Centerfold form and he had kissed her. Mad genius. He was so not in trouble. "Um … I … I

"That would have been extremely hot if you were a little more curvy Sakura and that blonde wasn't really a boy." Came a voice from above. Sakura yipped in embarrassment and went under the water trying to hide herself. Kakashi was leaning over the brick wall that divided the women's and men's baths staring down at them. Sasuke was beside him with a look of infinite horror on his face.

"What are you talking about and get down!" Hissed Sakura as she glared up at her teacher while still trying to keep her modesty in the murky waters.

"Well, you see Sasuke and I came here so Sasuke could give me a sponge bath … and then we heard this horrible screeching that sounded like a monkey being murdered." The teacher started to ramble caring little that Sakura had started to throw scent soaps at Sasuke and his head's. Sasuke was in too much shock to even react and Kakashi was to think headed to feel a thing. "So we peek over to see what was the matter and we see you making out with that blonde there." Naruto smiled sheepishly as his teacher pointed down at him and slowly started to make his way to the exit. This wasn't going to end well. "It seems that Sasuke wasn't lying after all. You and Naruto were making out. Could have chosen a better place though."

The girl stood up caring little about modesty. She slowly turned around, grabbed her towel, and threw it over herself as she pulled a dagger out of nowhere. Flames of Hades burned in her eyes. Naruto swallowed and was reverted to his real form out of unnamed fear. Sakura did a war cry and started to run after the blonde. "You're going to die Naruto! Die!"

The boy yipped and tripped in the water as he made his escape. "No! I'm too young to die! I'm still a virgin!"

Kakashi watched them for a moment more. "That was entertaining. Good blackmail too." He handed Sasuke the sponge ducky. "The two love birds seem to busy right now to train, so sponge me."

XXX

Paw07: I hope you liked the one-shot and had a good laugh that lightened your heart a little bit. I also hope you felt free to fall on your ass when the urge came on. My, personally, will never look at rubber duckies or Kakashi the same again. Also, Madonna owns 'Like a Virgin.