A/N: Well.
I feel like death warmed over.
I've been working two jobs as of late to pay my medical bills, so I apologize for the lack of updates/stories as its been cutting into my life. As such, this'll be one of the last new stories for a bit until I can get my ducks in a row, so to speak. I'm talking three more at max, between being a beta and lending others story ideas. Now, some of you have said you won't read anymore of my stuff because I keep pumping out new stories and I understand that. Respect it, even. So I thank you all for you patience and give you my solemn word that I'm going to do my level best to keep writing until my body gives out.
I also have an update list for you all!
They are, somewhat, in this order:
Son of the Stag.
Empire's Blade.
Sage of the Great.
I'm Only Human.
Die Another Day.
God of Ramen.
Angels and Demons.
Dragon of Eros.
Counting Stars.
Beyond the Shadows.
To name a few! These are the ones closest to having completed chapters atm and I plan to update all my stuff soon! Look forward to it!
Now, onto the importants bits.
If you don't know much about Dark Souls, you're going to be confused here. Vice versa for those of you Dark Souls enthusiasts who know little about a certain blond prankster or the "Not Going Home" series as a whole. The occasional reference to other series abounds, so there's that as well. Don't worry, it doesn't detract from the story too much, but it helps if you know your stuff =D
However!
I've finally found a few hours to write!
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PRAISE THE SUN FOR I HAVE DISCOVERED THE GLORY OF DARK SOULS! I've bought up Demon Souls, Dark Souls One, Two, as well as Three! And I'm not ashamed to say that Ponfinite Staminavahn also known as Pontiff Sulyvahn, is currently KICKING MY ASS. His second phase is an absolute bitch to handle on my Pyromancy build. Not only does the old fucker grow WINGS but he summons a fucking stand?! What is this JoJo's Bizarre Adventure or something?!
EDIT: Finally beat the fucker!
I've also done some research and...wow...boss fights aside, Sulyvahn's a real dick! Even though he's from the Painted world!
Don't believe me?
Here be a list!
He:
-Corrupted the Flare Witches by giving them access to the Profaned Flame.
-Knowingly gave his outrider knights cursed rings that would turn them into slavering beasts.
-Kidnapped the daughter of a royal family, and forced her to serve as a "dancer".
-Inducted said dancer into his outrider knights, gave her the cursed rings, and exiled her.
-Accelerated the corruption of the Deacons of the Deep.
-Fed Gwyndolin to Aldrich and imprisoned Yorshka (and possibly intended for her to meet Gwyndolin's fate as well).
-Recruited the insane inhabitants of the Profaned Capital to serve as his personal jailers (those filthy, health-draining jailers...).
-Corrupted the Way of White for his own purposes.
-Though not explicitly stated, it's implied he was responsible for convincing Prince Lothric to reject his duties and instead watch the First Flame die out.
In short, an asshat!
Don't even get me started on the emotion-wrenching lore of the other games! Really good at pulling your hearstrings. Don't even get me started on Sif! I bloody CRIED after I killed him. Then came the DLC which made it all the worse! So many feeeeeeeeeeels! Not to mention Quelaag and her sister! Why didn't I get the Old Witch's ring sooner?!
Really, I think we all knew this was coming.
(Edit) I OWN NO QUOTES OR REFERENCES. I've said this how many times but it seems I forgot to put that in this author's note. Thanks to the one who pointed it out.
Props to Doomfist for the intro, it was really inspiring.
Also, I believe we all know this quote...
"Go back. Forbidden be, these parts. The realm of the creatures of chaos. They accept their banished fate. Go back. Lest the flames devour all, and the children of chaos feed upon your charred ashes. Those who defy the pact... Those who trespass Quelaag's domain... May you feel the depth of our wrath! Ahh, a precious new sacrifice! Forbidden be, these parts. The realm of the creatures of chaos. Go on, go on ahead... Welcome, bringer of meat. The children of chaos are hungry; give yourself to Quelaag's flame!"
~Quelaag.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Die, Die Again!
Humanity has always been tested.
Conflict and war is the crucible to witch we evolve. Every battle makes us stronger. Those who fall will be forgotten. Those that rise up...there names will be remembered. Forever. Alright, alright, I'm quoting Doomfist, there. But its true! However much we might loathe to admit it, humankind thrives on adversity as a whole. Call it the spirit of competition if you must, a noble quest perhaps, but at the end of the day its all amounts to the same things. We crave a challenge. It doesn't matter how many times we're knocked down; admit it, if someone defeats you it just makes you want to strike back all the harder.
That, my friends, is the meaning of life!
To thrive, to strive!
Okay.
Alright, might've gotten a bit excited, there. What can I say?! This universe is awesome! There's so much to dooooooo! Gods! Demons! Dragons! Beings of actual divinity! Plenty of cannon fodder, sure, but I'm sure you get my meaning. Aaaaaaand then, like a thorn you don't see, the lore catches you by surprise and you feel like a complete and absolute bastard. I should know! I played the game and annihilated anyone who stood in my way without remorse!
...
...
...
...well.
Fuck that first play-through.
Now I kinda feel like an asshole.
Maybe I shouldn't have rushed through?
No, wait, scratch that, I'm definitely that guy.
So to atone for my "sins" I decided to simply jump into the game itself.
Hmm, suppose I should put a disclaimer in before I wrap up this journal entry.
Ahem!
This story contains all manner of shenanigans including but not limited to as Solaire would say: "Convoluted" time-hops between the realms Dark Souls One, Two and Three, as well as travel to alternate worlds, pranks, tom-foolery, kidnapping favorite characters, bait and switch, saving damsels in distress, good ol' fashioned revenge and all around breaking the world and the occasional bit of lore as a whole. So, if you're the sort who likes to a romping good time, stick around. If you like seeing the bad guys get their due, then you'll be quite satisfied. If you enjoy praising the sun, worship chaos, and delight in disaster, then this is the story for you! If not, well, then I'm sure I'll see you around elsewhere!
Also.
I expect to die here.
A lot.
What?
Why are you looking at me like that?
What fun would this be if I waltzed into this world with god mode on? What merriment could I make if I just shrugged off hits like they're nothing? Tanking impossible blows without losing so much as a speck of health? No, no, no! That wouldn't be fun at all! No challenge! None! Besides, I've been killed plenty of times already and after all, its really Not My Soul anymore at this point. Heh, too many people have a claim to it by now for something like death to stop me. If I get offed, I'll just have to respawn like the rest. And to make things entirely fair I'll take away...hmm...let's say half of my tricks.
That's right, I'm deliberately limiting my divine power to a handful of uses, for the sake of fairness.
Hey it'll be fun! Gives me a chance to recruit allies, build up my inventory and...
...I'm going to regret this immensely, aren't I?
Oh, and one last tiny little footnote here at the beginning of the end...
I'm sure you're probably wondering whether I'm going to try and save the world here or let it rot. Now what kind of question is that dear reader, I ask you? Just who do you take me for? Me? Try to save as many people as I can? Honestly, now...
...of course I'm going to try!
Ah, but first...
...I'm going to see a certain spider.
(...Blight Town...)
Quelaag was being hunted.
She knew this in her heart of hearts, felt it in her very bones, sensed it with each step of her many legs, but still found herself powerless to do anything about it. Someone-or something?-was pursuing her yet no matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to shake them. Like a flicker of light in her peripherals, gone when she looked directly at it, so too did her pursuer vanish whenever Quelaag attempted to confront him. Even when presented with the opportunity to strike, they hadn't taken the bait. They'd been trailing her lurking outside her domain for days now, clinging to the shadows, just out of sight. Doubtless, they sought something from her, but what?
To what end?
She knew not.
Regardless, she found herself trapped in this untenable situation, helpless to do anyone as this unknown entity relentlessly chipped away at her defenses.
Today that changed.
Honestly, she wasn't even entirely certain it was a "he" at all, likely just another hapless undead come to harass her for the souls she possessed. But they would not pass. Her sister awaited her in the chamber beyond, frail and helpless as a newborn. No, even an infant possessed more strength in its diminutive body than her sibling did. Worse, Quelaag couldn't bring herself to blame her. Not after the disaster come to be known as the Bed of Chaos. In her kindness she'd sought to ease the suffering of their servants and grown weak and frail as a result. Powerless she may be, but Quelaag was not, and she would not suffer any fool to harm her.
Speaking of fools...
The pounding sound of clanking footsteps claimed her attention, drawing her from her reverie. Again? Persistent, this lot. This would be the fifth attempt in the last hour. Irritated, she directed the massive arachnid that was her lower body toward the entrance of her lair. A stray thought hurled a glob of lava from the beast's maw past her web, sending the sizzling orange orb sailing towards the mouth of the cave with a keening song of fire. Quelaag watched her spell arc across the room with a keen eye, idly counting the seconds until impact.
Her efforts soon bore fruit; for the splash of lava collided headlong with the reckless undead just as he stormed through the fog door.
She liked to imagine terror twisting their features in their last moments, but behind the knight's helm, she couldn't be certain.
Caught unawares and unprepared for this new tactic, the chosen undead didn't even have time to raise their shield.
A short, stifled scream echoed through the chamber then it was done, and all that remained was ashes.
Spying a tiny speck of dark light amidst the remains, Quelaag scuttled forward, seizing it in hand.
Rewarded with the faintest of warmth, she squeezed the small speck, consuming it.
Humanity.
For the first time in days the smallest of smiles touched her pale face.
It was her first of the day, but already she felt her mood lifting.
With enough of this she could heal her sister, perhaps even-
"I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?"
The chaos witch started violently as a second voice made itself known behind her.
Even more baffling, he'd spoken in a tongue she actually understood.
Not a moment later, the faintest weight settled against her back.
When had he...?!
Flailing, Quelaag bucked her monstrous body in a wild effort to throw her attacker off. In that at least, she was partially successful. A startled grunt coupled with a muffled thud told her she'd dislodged the intruder, but a searing pain in two of her many legs informed her that her efforts had not been without cost. Scuttling backwards and hissing in quiet pain, the wounded witch rounded on her assailant, sword in hand. What she found there gave her pause, if only for the merest of moments.
By contrast to her last victim, this one appeared absolutely harmless.
A bedraggled mop of blond hair framed a whiskered face from which eyes the color of endless blue skies burned bright. Clad in worn leather armor, with neither shield nor sword to speak of, he looked more a thief than a warrior of any renown. Perhaps not even a thief. His sole concession to the danger he faced was a curved dagger, clutched tight in his off hand and scorched by her blood. Were it not for his steely gaze, she would've run him through right then and there.
As it were, she found herself seriously considering it...
"Wait, wait, wait!" he flung up his hands before she could attack him again, waving the dagger wildly. "Can we talk?! I'd like to talk."
There it was, again.
How was she able to understand him?!
She glimpsed what appeared to be an old ring on his finger, but beyond that
Into the silence the stranger rushed to speak, lest she move to attack him again.
"Well, then!" he began aloud, bowing stiffly. "You didn't gut me, so that's a start, I guess. So! Introductions! I'm Naruto, a wandering god of sorts, you're Quelaag obviously, and damn, you were not easy to find! Speaking of which, do you have any idea how hard it was to get here?" Into Quelaag's baffled silence, he thrust an accusing finger at her, much to the witch's disbelief. "I've been shit on by drakes, stabbed by undead, crushed to death by someone wielding a fucking dragon tooth and set on fucking fire! Don't get me started on the poison! Whose idea was that?! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?! Not fun! I'd chastise you for killing that poor sod, but I have absolutely no idea who that was. Was it a he? Hmm. Couldn't tell under all that armor. Should probably ask Oscar-hey!"
"Die, intruder!"
His rambling ended in the same moment her patience evaporated.
Compelled by equal parts instinct as well as fear, Quelaag lurched at the intruder, intending to do unto the stranger as she'd done the last. Hers was a tried and true strategy, one that had yet to fail her against any who were fool enough to trespass. Lunge at him with her sword, douse him with lava as he tried to roll away, crush him with the weight of her lower body. Rinse and repeat.
Instead the unthinkable occurred.
In the blink of an eye his dagger vanished, replaced by a massive zweihander.
"Stop me if you've heard this one before." Naruto beamed as her blade descended on his head. "How many points should you put into strength?"
That same blade caught her initial strike cold, not only weathering the blazing blade but stopping it outright. Too late, Quelaag realized she'd overextended herself in an attempt to finish him; now the shooting waves of pain arcing down the length of her arm prevented her from wresting her weapon away. His smile told her all she needed to know of what came next. Wielding with the mighty weapon as though it weighed no more than a feather, the blond pivoted on his heel and twisted its edge up against her sword in a daring riposte, ripping her flaming weapon from her hands.
"The answer? Fucking fifty of them."
Startled, Quelaag hesitated in her next attack.
It was more than enough.
'I've blundered.'
Wordlessly, Naruto flowed under the lava her spider-half spewed like so much water, neatly darting down and away, leaping up to thrust a hand against her pale face. Fingers splayed; his palm crackled with holy white light and her world shook against the spell, sending her sprawling. Another fist slid between her ribs to stun her and the next thing Quelaag knew her forehead kissed the ground, the dull ache of her now-fractured ribs and a cracked skull punctuated by a pounding migraine as her many legs flailed behind her. Something cold and sharp caressed her throat and her struggles ceased immediately.
"Hey, now." he hissed in her ear, the words a silken purr, vibrating with menace. "Don't go attacking me like that. Might give a man the wrong idea, ya know, and who knows where we would end up? Now, I'm going to let you stand. Try that shit again and I won't be so nice. Blink once if you understand me."
Quelaag blinked.
"Good girl." a gloved hand patted her head, and abruptly, the weight against her throat fell away, allowing her to right herself with a supreme effort. By the time she'd succeeded so, she found her would-be killer sitting cross-legged before her, sipping quietly from an estus flask. After a moment's recovery he finished drinking, stowed the much-bountiful liquid somewhere on his personage, and looked up at her. Oddly enough, his gaze seemed to lack the edge his voice had held mere moments ago.
"I didn't come here to kill you." he declared, wiping his mouth on a leathery sleeve. "Believe it or not, I came here to help you."
Quelaag nearly scoffed before she remembered herself.
...we shall see."
"Oho, she speaks!"
Steeling herself against an outburst, she sighed.
The act of sparing her didn't guarantee her trust. Far from it, this only made the witch all the more suspicious of him. Something so powerful was not so easily given in this day and age, certainly not in a world like this. Shifting her bulk, she positioned herself firmly between him and the stairs leading to the adjacent chamber. If he tried to bolt for the exit or her beloved sister, he wouldn't get far. Or so she chose to believe. If it came to a fight, she was no longer certain of her ability to stop him. She could still feel the edge of his blade like a guillotine against her threat, ready to come down at the slightest provocation.
"So, I'd like to propose an alliance." Naruto ventured, proffering her the estus flask to partake of. "Whaddya say? Not just my sake of course, but your sister, too."
His words gave her pause.
Without her aid, her sister would surely wither away.
"What are your terms?"
Naruto stared at her for a long, baffling moment; then he barked out a laugh.
"Well, damn! And here I thought I'd have to argue with you all day!"
It was actually a rather pleasant sound, all things considered.
Straightening, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eye.
"Sure. I have only one condition."
Quelaag gulped quietly aloud.
"And that would be...?"
The blond simply smiled.
"Want your legs back?"
A/N: See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!
So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly?
And enjoy the previews!
I'm sure you all know the first one!
(Preview!)
"Why are you looking for the sun in the abyss?!"
"Fuck you!"
"Oh, you poor unfortunate soul."
The Dancer blinked.
She no longer possessed a mind in the conventional sense of the word, but had she, she would have blinked. Still, she retained her instincts and they were screaming at her.
RUN.
Standing before her in the ruins of the church, the intruder flashed a smile.
"Hi!"
His shadow seemed to loom long before her, despite their difference in stature.
One monster to another.
She appeared an abomination to some, a towering, lanky being that more closely resembled her master, Pontiff Sulyvahn, than the other beastly armored knights corrupted by him. Human-like only in that she stood upright instead of crawling on all fours, she shambled forward with deceivingly slow steps. The intruder wasn't fooled; the moment she drew her blade he raised a hand. She expected to cut through it with ease, to rend flesh and bone as she did all, only to find her assault stalled.
Against a single finger.
"Hey, now." the blond drawled. "Is that any way to treat your guest?"
The Dancer lurched at him with a growl, only to yelp as he snapped his fingers.
Her world upended; her armor, once bound to her hide, skewed away and she found herself falling.
Curious.
It took her a handful of seconds to realize she could think again.
R&R~!