It is only in looking back at it now that I feel that I have come to understand what happened between Azazeal and myself. I never really trusted him at all and especially after Thelma told me that if my baby were born, it would release the 200 Nephelim, but now that I have had time to reflect on what happened and access to the knowledge of the dead, I see now that he did have feelings for me.
It is kind of amusingly sad actually and I feel for him, because we never really had a chance. I had a bad opinion of him to start with and then he went and killed Thelma. I was still strangely attracted to him and the night Malachi was conceived I did believe that saw the real soul inside of him. I actually forgave him for killing Thelma and being a fallen angel and he was right that I felt that I was where a belonged, but then I found out I had been possessed and all that I had seen in him became fake to me. He nearly convinced me again but Thelma told be about the plan to release the 200 Nephelim. To add insult to injury, he didn't let me choose whether to have my son or not which, of course, infuriated me. At every turn, when he gained ground, his lies would make him slip again, so I couldn't trust him.
Now I see how lost he was. His goal of bringing about the end of days was so ingrained in him that he pursued it without thinking. He manipulated and lied without hesitation because he had been doing it for so long. He feelings for me were a distraction that developed into much more but it had been so long since he had felt anything but rage and loneliness, that he could not express himself enough for me to see any love through all the deceit.
What convinced me eventually, after it was too late, was that I think if I were another girl, he would have taken control of me again, as he did with Jo, just to have someone to take care of the baby. But I think he had actually let me go and was going to leave me out of Malachi's life, if I had not come back myself. But then, I felt compelled to act because I had unleashed Malachi onto the world. Ella had given me a way to fix the problem, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to let Malachi go.
I didn't tell Ella or Thelma but I really went to Azazeal that one last time partially to see if I did love them. It turned out that I did, but despite all of Azazeal's words to me that night I still did not believe him, even though I wanted to. I left that morning with Malachi in a kind of autopilot mode guided by the part of me that knew I had to end this madness for all of humanity. If only Azazeal had said something with any real meaning, things may have turned out differently.
I see now that he felt so strongly for me and the boy that he was easily convinced by my actions that I felt the same way. All that he said and did that day was full of meaning for him, but he didn't understand that my actions that night were not for the same reason. I loved them, but I thought I was alone in my feelings and that he was an illusion that I was enjoying for one last time.
In the end, Azazeal was right, that the bond between all three of us was too strong. I think Ella thought it was only Azazeal's typical method of control that had lead to this situation and she had disregarding the thought that I would actually love Azazeal and Malachi.
The one thing I would like to know, is exactly what kind of life did Azazeal think we would have together. Did he actually believe that I would let Malachi bring about the end of days? Well, he is that arrogant, but I still wonder what would have happened if he had convinced me that he loved me.