Wesley is marked by moral integrity, kindness and goodwill. But, there is one thing which bothers me. He keeps a picture of "her" on his desk. It is not just a small picture, either. An 8x10, mind you, gold framed picture of his long lost love. I would see him sitting at his desk mesmerized at her portrait, long dark hair, dark eyes with that smile of hers which is what probably made him fall in love with, his fingers circling the outline of her face, the look of innocence.
I look at myself, the once ruler of a kingdom, most powerful, blue hair and eyes and I see that I am not "her". Who could love someone like me? Not him. He does not see anything in me except of being a painful reminder of the life I have taken away. There is no point in competing with a dead person, for she is very much alive in his eyes. I have thought of asking him of removing her picture. But, who am I? What am I to him? I am nothing but a piece of "assignment", a "job", his daily "duty". I am not "her", nor will I ever try to be.
I imagine him at nights taking hold of her picture, holding it close to his heart, embracing it ever so tightly as if it was she he was hanging on to. I can not and will not learn to live with it. His only obsession is "her".
When he looks into my eyes, I wonder what he sees beyond that? Does he not know I have feelings? Does he not know it breaks my heart each time he mentions"her" to me? I have learned to keep my feelings hidden under this facade of mine. I see Angel, Gunn and Spike with their watchful eyes on my every move whenever I am around him. They know how I feel. Why can't he?
"No such luck, luv," Spike would say. "He is just not into you." And it breaks my heart, the torture I feel within. I go to his room while he is away, and cry on his pillow. I hate what I feel for him. Sometimes I hate him for not feeling for me what he feels for "her". I wish I was, but I know I will never be "her".
"I will never be "her"."