Warnings: Vincent POV, um… angst?
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Squaresoft, ideas and thoughts belong to me.
AN: This fic kind of just wrote itself. I don't know where it came from. I guess me, wanting to have him think about his past mixed with a little of how it must feel to constantly being taken over by the Beast within him. I feel like Vincent's becoming a new muse for me. He's one of the few characters that I can write in first person, and he's such an angsty lil bishonen. ^-^ Hope you enjoy. Btw, some of the things he thinks about are clearly my own perspective of things.
Reminiscence
I feel the change spread over me. The same as always. It is always this way after one too many fights and one too many blows. Slowly I start to lose my self-control as the Beast takes hold of me. Shapes grow hazy around me and I start seeing double. Beside me, Cloud becomes nothing more than a hazy purple and golden blur; to even try and look beyond him, to the other fighting with us is out of my reach.
Black dots appear before my eyes and I suddenly realize that I am losing consciousness. It is such a familiar feeling that I give myself up to it almost instantly, cocooning myself in the darkness of my mind, giving the Beast free reign over my body. I become inhuman… but was I ever human? It has been thirty years since I have ever had to answer that, but my answer now would be different than then.
I am not human. Whether I have advanced or degenerated from that which humans are is all up to opinion. But I am sure of one thing: I am not human. Human's are not like me, they do not hold an inner monster, an inner chaos inside of themselves. Even if they did, it does not hold such shape, such supremacy that they have to squelch the desire to let it go and be free. No… I am not human at all.
A part of me resurfaces from my mind, and my eyes open to see nothing but blood red. He is in control, not I, and I watch the horror that he creates. Green slime oozes out of the decapitated monster, yet the Beast will not stop till it is dead. I cannot help but watch in sick fascination as His evil hands have decimated every creature giving us trouble on our quest, time after time. And yet I get all the glory for His hard work. But it is not hard work for the Beast; it is merely a menial task, and that is what bothers me so.
Deep down, a part of me enjoys this desecration; and that is why I loathe it so much. My memories elude me at times, but the dreams I remember. Beautiful Lucricia, eyes wide and her body stained with blood. Her melodious voice screaming in agony. Blood dripping from my metallic, clawed hand… and somehow pieces managed to fit together…
I killed Lucricia…
No… it was not me, I would never bring harm to her, I would never even dream of such a thing. He killed her… the Beast that lurks within me. Hojo created it; one of his ill breed experiments gone dreadfully, hideously wrong. So erroneous that Shinra had banned it from ever being used, so wicked that Shinra never even knew it existed. Hojo was an amateur back then, sadly he still is now. That eccentric scientist will never near Professor Gast's genius.
I was a burden to his plans. An assistant of Professor Gast was nervous about a measly Turk getting in his way. Ridiculous; I did not even know of the power I held over that man until it was much too late and he had me bound to that table in that dreaded basement. By that time, my own foolishness led me defenceless against his insanity and by the time I regained any strength to guard myself, I was already in the throes of the madman's plans. It was too late…
Too late to save myself, too late to save Lucricia… too late to save her son. My mind was filled with vengeance when I found out that, due to the experiments, Lucricia's bright, ingenious psyche was beginning to deteriorate. How could a man who claimed to love and adore a woman, enough for her to bear his child, ever do that to her? But asking Hojo was like telling him that the sun raised in the east. He knew it, and he did not care. Why? Because he never loved her.
Not once did he ever feel any sort of love towards Lucricia at all. It was just about scientific discovery and research, in making the perfect human. How many lives would he sacrifice just for the knowledge of the Cetra? One measly female did not mean anything to him; but the one he chose had to mean everything to me.
And his dream came true; he made the perfect human. Except for one thing: Sephiroth is not perfect… and he is not human. And because I stood in his way, he planned to dispose of me, using any means possible…including that of implanting some unstable biological experiment hoping to intoxicate my brain enough that it would eventually, painfully destroy me.
And for some reason, my last memory before I slipped into that deathlike state in that chilling coffin was Lucricia's wide brown eyes, beautiful torn figure, and her blood staining my hands…
"Eh? And Sleeping Beauty arises… how was the nap?"
Torn from my reminiscences by the sound of his voice, I finally my eyes open. The bloodlust had died and once again the Beast rested inside of my mind, sated, for now. I must have been out for a while. "Ah… forgive me for the delay…"
"Don't worry about it." Cloud's blue eyes rested their gaze on me. He was a little farther away, wiping the blood and grim off of his finely polished sword, obviously trying to give me a little space.
Cid however did not seem to know the meaning of the word. He kneeled practically on top of me, making sure that I was not too badly injured and that all remnants of Him were gone. It was startling how someone could care so much for someone like I… it was almost, sweet. He seemed to be satisfied by the results of his search and tilted his body back on his heels, a smirk crossing his lips as he flicked out his lighter to light his cigarette. "Good to have ya back, kiddo."
It was strange… but somehow I felt like I almost belonged. Like, they accepted me at times. Like I was part of the ensemble that made up our small brigade of rebellions. We all had our reasons to go up against the Shinra… but it was not just about that anymore. We all seemed to connect on some higher level. Each of us are searching for some part of ourselves that is just out of our reach… But for some reason, we believe that if we can make it through this alive, that we can do anything.