Disclaimer: All Characters and Settings belong to JK Rowling. In no way, shape or form do I profit from this. It's all in fun.
"Welcome, welcome to the first Hogwarts' Karaoke Night!" announced Dumbledore to thunderous applause from most of the residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as well as the assorted guests. "As you all know, the Sorting Hat has advised that unless all houses manage to come together and work towards the common good, a dark future indeed awaits us all" intoned Albus to a thoroughly bemused group of students. "Tonight, many of our fellow students and teachers will take center stage and allow us to see the witch or wizard beneath the exterior. Now, now, don't misunderstand me. There will be no nonsense here, nothing indecent whatsoever. The Sorting Hat will call out random selections from among the students, faculty and guests and will in its infinite wisdom to see what lies within our souls choose a song that is appropriate to the individual chosen and which should allow us all to better understand our friends and colleagues. This is all in good fun and it is for a good cause, namely the salvation of wizard kind," intoned Albus with all due solemnity, "so, please take this seriously and if you are chosen by the Sorting Hat, please make every effort to do your best."
"I'll show that hat!" Ron intoned to an amused Harry, "as long as it doesn't want me to dance!"
"You tell that Hat Ron!" deadpanned Harry. "I did in first year and only looked back once or twice since then."
"Pardon," started Ron, but the Hat had announced its first selection
"Arthur Weasley!" Ron watched horror-struck as his father ascended the stage and placed the hat on his head for a second or two. Almost immediately, music began and lyrics appeared in the air, which Arthur Weasley began to sing with the utmost in passionate delivery, much to Ron's and Ginny's general embarrassment, though Fred and George could be heard singing along.
"Rubber Ducky, you're the one!
You make bath time lots of fun
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you
Boo boo be doo BOO
Rubber Ducky joy of joys
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber ducky you're my very best friend
It's true
Boo boo be doo BOO
Every day when I make my way to the tubby...
I find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby...
Rub a dub dubby...
Malfoy's hysterical laughter rang loudly through the Great Hall as Ron tried to hide beneath the Gryffindor Table, but was stopped by Hermione who thought he had other ideas in mind and screeched loudly enough for all to hear, "Not now Ron, please!" which served only to make Draco literally fall to the floor in laughter, his pale face red from uncontrollable giggles.
Mr. Weasley continued unabated...
"Rubber ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you
Boo boo be doo...BOO!!"
Arthur Weasley bowed and applause broke out, oddly loudest from the Slytherin Table...a fact that did not go unnoticed by Albus Dumbledore. "Wunnerful wunnerful," intoned Dumbledore in a fake central European accent. "That was lovely Arthur, and we're already seeing the kind of interhouse camaraderie we hoped this event would bring." Several of the Gryffindors had raised their wands, but a stern look from Professor McGonagall stopped them all in their tracks.
Undaunted by any of this, the Sorting Hat had called out its next selection, "Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle!"
The two Slytherins looked lost, as the thought of going up on stage without Draco in the lead scared the daylights out of them. "Go on then," urged Draco. "You said you could read back in second year! You've nothing to worry about!"
The two Slytherins ambled their way onto the stage and the Sorting Hat immediately arranged for lyrics and music to ring out over the Great Hall...
"Now what starts with the letter 'C'
Cookie starts with 'C'
Let's think of other things
That start with the letter 'C'
Oh, who cares about other things...?
'C' is for cookie, that's good enough for me!
'C' is for cookie, that's good enough for me!
'C' is for cookie, that's good enough for me!
OH, cookie cookie cookie starts with 'C'
Ron was so wracked by laughter now that his face had turned an alarming shade of red. He managed to get out, "How thick can they get?" before he collapsed in a giggle fit as Hermione sighed, "Ronald Weasley! You're embarrassing me!" She had by then cracked a smile or two and soon all of the Gryffindors and most of the Slytherins were beside themselves with tears streaming down their faces. Albus Dumbledore smiled enigmatically as the two Slytherins finished their number.
"Hey, you know what?
A round cookie with one bite out of it looks like the letter 'C'
A round donut with one bite out of it also looks like the letter 'C'
But it's not as good as a cookie
Oh and the moon sometimes looks like the letter 'C'
This line caused a grimace to pass over Remus Lupin's face, but no one other than Tonks noticed it. She, of course, reached over to console him.
"But you can't eat that, so 'C' is for cookie...that's good enough
For me!"
As applause broke out, both Crabbe and Goyle remained on the stage waiting for the cookies they were so sure they'd get. Albus finally realized what they were waiting for and conjured a few cookies, which the two Slytherins eagerly grabbed and stuffed into their faces before returning to the Slytherin Table.
Before anyone could gloat over the supposed comeuppance of Slytherin, the Sorting Hat had announced the next performer...,"Hermione Granger!"
A look of panic swept her face, but was quickly replaced by steely determination to do her best. After all, she wasn't the brightest witch of her year for nothing. With all the bravery of a true Gryffindor, she walked to the stage and placed the Sorting Hat on her head for the second time in her young life. She smiled an almost evil smile as the Sorting Hat whispered the selection to her. The music began, the lyrics appeared and she stared Ron Weasley down as she started in with her song...
"You keep saying you've got something for me
Something you call love, but confess!
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been messin'
And now someone else is getting all your best!
These boots were made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!"
Ron sank in his seat next to Harry and moaned, "I'm doomed. Say it, I'm doomed!" Harry, who was all smiles at the moment, mumbled, "You're doomed!"
Hermione bowed graciously and returned to sit next to Ron, who squeaked, "Hermione..." She looked at him and simply smiled. Draco could be heard calling out, "Trying to get yourself a girlfriend Weasel?" Dumbledore gazed with a bemused look on his old face and mumbled, "Ah young love...such splendour to behold!" Professor Snape looked like he'd rather be anywhere else at that moment.
The Sorting Hat was not to be stopped. It was on a mission from the Gods. It called out the next individual, "Rubeus Hagrid!!" The Slytherins immediately fell silent as the Gryffindors all rose and began to applaud even before Hagrid had sung one line.
Hagrid looked oddly out of place with the Sorting Hat on his large head, but his smile was genuine when he said to the Hat, "Aye, tha's jest the song fer me!"
"If we could talk ter the animals...
Jes imagin' it
Chattin' to a chimp in chimpanzee
Imagin' talkin' ter a tiger, chattin' ter a cheetah
What a neat achievement that'd be!
If we could talk ter the animals, learn their languages
Maybe take an animal degree!
We'd study elephant and eagle
Buffalo and beagle
Hippogriff and Kneazle
If we conferred with our furry friends, man ter animal
Think of all the things we would discern
At this point, Hagrid became deeply passionate, almost on the verge of tears, in his delivery of the closing lines...
"If we could walk with the animals, talk with the animals
Grunt, squeak and squawk with the animals!!!
And they could squeak, squawk and talk ter us..."
He teared up and proved unable to continue. "I'm sorry Perfessor Dumbledore, it's jest I feel so passionate about the critters!" Dumbledore walked over to the gentle giant and placed a calming hand on his large shoulders, wracked with sobs at the moment. "There, there Hagrid, you've got a big heart and the animals are lucky to have you on their side."
"Thanks Perfessor" He took his seat at the Head Table not noticing the glare of loathing sent his way from the direction of Snape nor the suspicious look from Lupin.)
The Great Hall fell silent as the Sorting Hat announced the next on the evening's agenda..."Harry Potter!" Ron patted Harry's shoulder as Hermione said, "It will be fine, Harry. Just tell the Sorting Hat what you want like you did in first year and it will do as you ask! It's easy really!"
Harry tentatively walked to the stage, careful to avoid Malfoy's gaze as that was the last thing he needed right now. The hat was placed on his head and he thought about what he wanted more than anything else "Are you sure?" asked the hat teasingly. "If that's your choice, then let's hear this song in your voice!"
Harry began to sing the words that appeared in front of him...
"I went and bought myself a ticket and I sat down in the very first
Row…
They pulled the curtain, but then when they turned the spotlight
Way down low...
Ginny Weasley came out struttin'
Wearing nothing but a button and a bow...
Singing 'yeah yeah Gryffindor!!'
The Slytherins exploded, Ron gulped as Hermione turned his attention to her for the moment, Snape smiled for the first time all evening and Arthur Weasley cast a look to kill at the Boy who Lived but Who May Not Survive the Night.
"She had a ruby on her tummy
And a diamond big as Hogwarts on her toe...
She let her hair down and she did the hoochie coochie real slow...
When she did a special number on a zebra skin I thought she'd stop
The show…
Singing 'yeah yeah Gryffindor!
She did a triple somersault and when she hit the ground
She winked at the audience and then she turned around
She had a picture of a Horntail tattooed on her spine
Saying 'Hogwarts up in Scotland...1999'
Yeah, but let me tell you people Ginny Weasley doesn't dance there
Anymore…
She's too busy moppin and taking care of shoppin at the store
'cause we got twelve kids and all day long they crawl around the
Floor…
Harry was interrupted when Ginny Weasley stormed the stage, whispered in his ear, causing him to smile like he'd never smiled before. The two quickly hurried off, leaving the Great Hall. Arthur was about to go after them, but was stopped by Fred and George, who whispered a few words to their father, who while remaining decidedly red-faced, nonetheless sat down and crossed his arms in an annoyed manner.
Continuing on, totally oblivious to the trouble its song selections were causing, the Sorting Hat called out, "Luna Lovegood!!"
Luna approached the stage in her usual dreamy state, placed the hat on her head and smiled sweetly as the selection was made. She began to sing in a surprisingly clear and strong voice...
"I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind...
Her voice became even more powerful.
"But I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now, you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me!
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care...
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away..."
Draco yelled, "LOOK!! A crumple-horned snorkack!!" The Slytherins laughed and the Ravenclaws all looked the other way as Luna made her way back to that Table.
Draco's laughs were cut short as he heard the Hat call out, "Lucius Malfoy!" Lucius approached the stage in his entire regal manner, haughty as ever and completely confident that this silly hat would not get the best of a Malfoy. His face registered mild alarm as the hat informed him of its selection, a tune from his youth all those many years ago and as legions of fan girls would argue...completely fitting for one Mr. Lucius Malfoy. He began to sing in a rich baritone...
"She sits alone waiting for suggestions
He's so nervous avoiding all the questions
His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding
Don't you know exactly what they're thinking?"
He suddenly recalled hearing this song in his youthful days as a young Death Eater, celebrating in some odd Muggle disco, looking for an easy victim and began to gyrate like he did in his heyday of neon floor lights, polyester suits and a strobe light overhead...he poured himself into the refrain, much to Draco's immense embarrassment, but gaining the attention of one Sybill Trelawney, which he thankfully did not notice.
"If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
Come on sugar let me know!!
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on honey, tell me so!!"
Silence reigned over the Great Hall, finally broken by the Bloody Baron who screamed, "Slytherins are Sexy!!!" as he swooped over all the other tables. Several Slytherins, including Nott, Montague, Higgs and pretty much everyone who had ever been on the Slytherin Quidditch Team stood and began singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it HURTS!" as they danced around the Slytherin Table.
Ron turned to Hermione and mumbled, "I think I'm gonna be sick!"
Hermione mumbled, "Oh, I don't know," as she took in the charms of the Slytherin Quidditch Team, with the possible exception of Marcus Flint. She shook her head contemplating him for a moment, thinking 'God, even Muggles could fix those teeth!"
But the Sorting Hat was not yet finished with the Malfoys. Draco jumped a mile into the air as he heard his name ring out over the Great Hall. He heard Ron announce to all the Gryffindors, "This should be good," and noted with alarm that Colin Creevey already had his camera out and had indeed begun to snap pictures of Draco walking to the stage. Moaning Myrtle had made an unusual appearance in the Great Hall to see Draco perform. She announced in her annoyingly coy voice, oddly loud enough for all to hear, "If you die up there Draco, you're welcome to share my toilet!"
Draco closed his eyes, began to place the hat on his head, but before it had even touched his pale blond hair, the Hat had chosen its selection, a longer song than most had received, but fitting in the Hat's opinion. Surprisingly, Draco proved to be quite the little trooper and pulled off a stunning performance that left all in awe, except his father, who glared daggers at his son.
"Is this the real life, is this just fantasy
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'm just a 'rich' boy, I get no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go, a little high, a little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me...to me...
Mama, just killed a man, put a wand up to his head
Cast an AK now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on; carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come, sent shivers down my spine
Body's achin' all the time
Good-bye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama! I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all"
Moaning Myrtle loudly announced, "He said that to me months ago in the loo!" Lucius hung his head and Snape again cracked a smile.
"I see a little silhouett-o of a man
Scrimgouer, Scrimgouer can you defeat the Dark Lord?
Skulls with snakes and lightning, very very frightening me
Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Galileo!
Marvolo Magnifico...
But I'm just a rich boy, nobody loves me!
He's just a rich boy from a rich family; spare him his life
From this monstrosity!
Easy come easy go, will you let me go
Vol-de-mort, no!! We will not let you go
Vol-de-mort! We will not let you go! Let him go!
Vol-de-mort! We will not let you go! Let me go!
We will not let you go! Let me go!
Will not let you go! No! No! No! No! No! No!!
Mama Mia let me go!
The Ministry has a place in Azkaban for me...for me...for ME!!"
Draco stopped here, trembling as Albus Dumbledore approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Come to the Right Side Draco! We can help you." Off to the side, he could hear Professor Snape saying, "Gods, not the 'we can help you speech again!'"
The Sorting Hat was still indifferent to the real-life dramas being played out in the Great Hall and called out, "Professor Severus Snape!" Snape cast a dark glance with his blacker than black eyes, but gamely walked over to the Sorting Hat and placed it on his head. No one dared to laugh, except for Albus Dumbledore who chuckled rather loudly at the sight of the dour Potions professor with the tattered hat on his head. Remus Lupin grinned a little and not because Tonks was playing footsies with him, either.
Professor Snape blurted out, "Oh no! I will not agree to this utter nonsense!" He took the Hat off and tossed it unceremoniously aside.
Dumbledore spoke up "Severus!"
Snape looked to the older wizard, pleading, "But Headmaster, you assume too much! I had no way of knowing this!" Dumbledore stared back at the younger wizard, who met his gaze with lines of hate and fury etched on his sallow face. "Very well, Albus!" He turned to face the audience and began to sing...
"Tiptoe through the window
By the window, that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through the tulips with me!
Oh tiptoe from the garden
By the garden of the willow tree..."
Snape rolled his eyes visibly as Lupin completely lost it and fell off his chair in hysterical laughter, loudly remarking, "Oh, if only Sirius could have heard this!"
"And tiptoe through the tulips with me!
Knee-deep in flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden, in the moonlight
Will you pardon me?
And tiptoe through the tulips with me?"
Snape turned to face Dumbledore, his wand raised and the word forming on his pale lips "Avada..."
Dumbledore casually remarked, "Thank you, Severus. That will not be necessary!"
Snape did not move.
Dumbledore added, "Severus, please!"
Reluctantly, Snape left the stage and walked out of the Great Hall, remarking, "By the way, Albus...that DADA job had better be mine next year!"
Dumbledore nodded knowingly, but said nothing.
Dumbledore watched the younger wizard walk out of the Great Hall and shook his head sadly. He turned to the students and assembled guests "We have learned much about ourselves and those we hold dear tonight. I hope you take these lessons with you and remember long after this evening has faded to a gentle memory. Happiness can be found almost anywhere, if we choose to see it and embrace it. That is what I have tried to teach you all along. It is our choices that define us. Choose to be happy, light-hearted with a catchy song in your heart and a skip in your step and happiness will come to you. Soft music began to sound and Dumbledore had the last number of the evening...
"When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you..."
The lights faded and Percy Weasley's voice rang out moments later, "Gryffindors follow me! I was Head Boy!!" Ron turned to Hermione and remarked, "Some things never change!" She responded, "That can be a good thing, Ron...sometimes!" She took his hand and they walked with their classmates back to the Gryffindor Common Room.