In Which Deidara is a Girl:
A/N:
1.
I was trying to figure out how to work the pronouns, etc. for this, and finally decided to just use feminine pronouns for Deidara (except when I'm writing from the POV of someone who thinks she's a boy). However, Deidara-as-a-boy is called Deidara, and Deidara-as-a-girl is called Hikari (her full name is Deidara Hikari). This might change depending on how confused I get. Or you get.
2.
This is kind-of sort-of manga compliant up to the Sasuke/Itachi final battle. However I wasn't really bothering to look much up and it happens with the main plot in the background.
3.
I do not believe myself. I just outlined this thing all the way to the end. As far as I can tell, there will be 19 or 20 chapters and an epilogue, with some side stories later. This was only intended to be a goofy relief from more serious writing (i.e. Turning Points), but it's taken on a life of its own.
Anyway, on to the story. Any comments or opinions would be most welcome. I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 1: In Which Hikari Gets a New Job
Whoever thought up 'love at first sight' didn't have a clue what they were talking about. 'Hate at first sight' works just as well; maybe even better.
It started like this:
Swinging her bare feet over the edge of the tiled roof she was perched on, Deidara grinned in delight as the hot wind from the flames fanned her hair. If anyone had seen her eyes then, they would have thought she was staring at 'Darushi' from one of the romantic dramas she used to watch with her sisters. In her time as a missing-nin, however, she had learned that a good-sized munitions factory blowing up was just as good as a tall, dark and handsome romantic hero. Besides, it was for a good cause!
...Well, a maybe sort-of not-evil cause. But they paid her, so she couldn't complain. And it was fun!
Holding back the urge to fling off the jutsu she was using to disguise her gender, don a furisode, and dance around the absolutely humongous bonfire to the beat of a taiko, Deidara stood up on the roof and took one last long look before deciding it was finally time to leave. She had a safe-blowing contract two towns away for three in the morning and it was already almost one forty-five. Her mother had always taught her to be punctual. (She had also taught her to tell the truth, restrain her pyromania, and not talk while eating, but you can't win them all.)
Just as she was about to jump across the street to get to where she'd left her bird, a discreet cough from behind brought her to a (mentally) screeching halt. She whirled immediately, prepared for a fight, already forming explosive clay in her hands.
"We don't want a battle," one of the two boys standing in the shadow of the chimney said quickly, stepping into the flickering light and holding out his hands in a 'peace' gesture. "We only wish to talk to you."
"Okay," Deidara replied, relaxing just slightly. The redheaded boy didn't look particularly threatening; but then she didn't either. "I'm listening, un. Make it fast, I have to be seventy-five miles away in an hour."
"Very well. Our leader wishes to discuss possible employment. Come to Les Etoilles de Saveur in three days at seven in the evening, if you are amenable. Tell them you're there to meet Pein."
"I'll think about it, un," Deidara replied. She wasn't quite sure what 'amenable' meant, but the rest of what the boy said made pretty good sense (and she wasn't about to say no to free food).
"Thank you," the redhaired boy said politely, before gracefully leaping down into the street below, followed by the other boy, who hadn't moved out of the shadows at all before now; Deidara was only able to get a glimpse of a dark ponytail before he was gone.
Making a note in her mental appointment book to find wherever it was she was supposed to go, she filed the meeting in the back of her mind and set off for a date with a bank vault.
...
Les Etoilles de Saveur was one of those 'foreign' restaurants that had become a bit of a fad in the northern countries. It was also horribly, horribly fancy, and as she approched the opulent facade, Deidara began to worry that they wouldn't let her in. While she took in a lot of money for 'jobs', most of it went for explosives and chocolate milkshakes, so she was currently wearing only a simple wrap vest and pants, both of which were rather the worse for wear.
"I'm here to meet Pein, un!" she announced, with much more confidence than she felt, to the snooty butler-type person who barred her way as soon as she pushed the door open.
Snooty Butler Type stared at her for a long time, from her messy ponytail (which probably still smelled like smoke from the last job) to her dusty bare feet, before stepping out of her way, bowing slightly. "Right this way, sir," he said just a little bit icily, ushering her through the main part of the restaurant to a large booth in the back.
The redhaired boy was already there, sitting across from his ponytailed friend (who looked much better from the front, although the red eyes were a bit freaky) and two other people she didn't recognize: an orange-haired young man with several painful-looking facial piercings and a blue-skinned man who resembled a shark more than anything else. Mr. Snoots (as she had named him mentally) waited until she was seated on the bench next to the redhaired boy before handing her a menu. "Would you like to order now?"
"Uh...yeah, sure, un," Deidara said, looking over the menu for something that wasn't too outlandish. She settled for the'pilaf', whatever that was. It said it had rice in it, so it couldn't be that bad.
"So who are you people anyway?" Deidara asked as Mr. Snoots walked away, reaching over the redhaired boy to grab a roll from the bread basket.
"I am Pein, the leader of Akatsuki," the orange-haired man said. Deidara paid a bit more attention; Akatsuki was the big leagues, and whatever job they'd have for her would probably be difficult. "There are Akasuna no Sasori, Hoshigaki Kisame, and Uchiha Itachi."
Deidara nearly choked on her roll. "The Uchiha Itachi, un?" she sputtered.
"Yes, 'the' Uchiha Itachi," Itachi said, looking at her like she was a complete idiot. "There are no other Uchiha. And you shouldn't talk while you're eating."
Deidara ignored this last comment, although she coincidentally kicked him in the shin about two seconds later. It was a bit strange how she ended up kicking him and not Kisame, who was actually taking up most of the room under the table, but she chalked it up to serendipity.
"So what's the job?" she asked, licking the last crumbs from the roll into her hands. "Just so you know, I don't do discreet, so if you're thinking about an assassination or something you should find somebody else, un. Oh, and I draw the line at orphanages."
"Orphanages?" Kisame was the one who asked the question, but it was clear that they were all thinking it (except for Itachi, who was savagely cutting his steak while pretending she didn't exist).
"I happen to like kids, un." This was, in fact, the truth. Her six younger siblings (and another on the way) had not been one of the reasons she left Iwa; in fact, they had been the reason she had almost stayed.
"That aside," Pein cut in, "you seem to have misunderstood our purpose in contacting you."
Deidara looked at him suspiciously but didn't say anything since Mr. Snoots arrived just then with the pilaf.
"We don't have a job for you," Pein continued as Deidara took her first bite, "we want you to join our organization."
Deidara set her fork down with a decisive clink. "No way!" she said firmly. "I work strictly freelance, un."
Pein did not seem fazed by her denial. "Then, as there was no point in our meeting with you, you will pay for the dinner."
Deidara blinked in shock. Pein smirked. Itachi continued eating his (oh-so-expensive-looking) steak and ignoring her entirely.
"Butbutbut I can't afford that, un!" she protested finally.
"Then you agree to join Akatsuki?"
"No! Uh...look, I'll make a deal. If one of you can beat me in a fight, you pay for the dinner and I'll join your little club, okay? And if I win, you pay for the dinner and leave me alone, un."
"That is a satisfactory arrangement," Pein said calmly, turning to his subordinates.
"Not it!" "Not it!" Kisame and Sasori chorused, immediately realizing he was about to ask for a volunteer.
"Itachi?"
Itachi looked up from his efforts to use a vibration jutsu to get at the last bit of steak sauce. He shrugged. "Hn."
Presumably, this meant 'yes'. Pein treated it as such, anyway. "Very good. You will duel immediately after dinner. Is there a suitable location nearby?"
"There's a fifty-foot crater about two miles out of town, will that work?"
"Eminently."
The (heartstoppingly expensive) meal was finished in silence. Deidara found that the pilaf didn't taste nearly as good as it looked and mentally promised herself she would never, ever eat it again, but forced herself to finish it anyway. After all, she was paying for it, sort of.
...
"So, why did you go missing-nin?" Sasori asked as Pein led them briskly out of town. Itachi was behind them with Kisame, still pretending she didn't exist, or at least that she was beneath his notice.
"I ran out of stuff to blow up at home," Deidara growled, wincing as she stepped on a rock. This was only half the reason, but she couldn't explain the whole marriage-contract situation without prompting some questions she didn't want to answer. "Besides, it was boring."
"Ah." Sasori was surprisingly unsurprised by her explanation. Maybe he'd heard that pyromania ran in the family. In any case, the rest of the walk out of town was made without further conversation.
...
"Any rules, un?" Deidara asked as they stood at the edge of the crater.
"The duel will continue until one of you concedes or is incapacitated," Pein said. "Other than that you may use any techniques you like."
"Sounds good, un!" Deidara said cheerily, jumping down into the crater. Itachi was waiting across from her, standing completely motionless; he would make a perfect target. "Ready or not, here I come!" she shouted, flinging a pair of small bombs at him to keep him occupied while she prepared to take to the air. A large bird would take too much time and chakra for this situation, but she quickly improvised a small glider, just big enough to stand on.
Itachi had dodged her bombs surprisingly easily, so she followed up with a larger spread of higher charges as she swooped over him. These were also dodged, and Deidara realized that this would not be a quick win. Bringing her glider up sharply, she avoided a handful of kunai—Itachi's first attack—but nearly lost her balance. Diving down and around, she released several small birds, which would be harder to avoid than simple bombs.
"Katsu!" she shouted, setting the birds off just as Itachi blew a fireball at her glider. She swivelled to avoid it (bending over backwards to keep from falling) but he had led her perfectly and the edge of it just caught a wing.
The one problem with making flying machines out of explosive clay was that they were extremely flammable. Deidara was forced to jump to the ground as the glider spiraled away and detonated against the far side of the crater. Itachi was nowhere to be seen, so either the birds had got him or he was hiding in the smoke. Most likely the former, she decided, but she started to ready a few bombs just in case and how did he get in front of me and—
Never having heard of the Mangekyou Sharingan, she didn't know to avoid meeting his eyes, and immediately felt as if she were drowning in blood. For the next (to her) six hours, her most coherent thoughts were ow ow stupid cheating psycho jerk ow blast it ow ow ow!
When the pain-induced haze dissipated, she found herself kneeling at the bottom of the crater with Itachi standing in front of her holding out his hand to help her up. "Do you concede?" he asked icily.
Deidara took the proffered hand. "Of course not, you jerk!"she snarled furiously, whipping her other fist around in a punch that would have crushed his rib cage, if it had only connected. Unfortunately, her own momentum worked against her. Before she could figure out what happened, Itachi was behind her and had twisted both arms behind her back in such a way that if she tried to move she would end up with a dislocated shoulder. Well, there went her carefree life of midnight bonfires and chocolate milkshakes. "Okay, now I give up."
Itachi, much to her embarrassment, did not let go, instead dragging her out of the crater to where Pein was waiting with the others. "He conceded," he explained calmly.
"I said I did, didn't I? Now let go of me, un!"
At a nod from Pein, Itachi let go. "Took you long enough, un," Deidara muttered, rolling her shoulders to relieve the tension.
"You will be Sasori's partner," Pein said. "We will return to Amegakure now. Come." He turned and led the way, Itachi and Kisame directly behind him. Deidara sighed and tagged along next to Sasori.
"So, uh, welcome aboard?" Sasori offered.
"Shut up, un."