Notes: Please keep in mind while reading this that it is a slight AU, and does disregard the events of all episodes past "Girl Meets the Tell-Tale-Tot". Simply because this is when I wrote it. This is entirely Josh-centric, and will not feature anything from Maya's P.O.V unless it's through her dialogue. This is Josh/Maya, but there are mentions of Riley/Lucas as well as Farkle/Isadora. Nothing significant, but it's there. And okay, I hate sounding like I'm begging or anything, but I really appreciate all comments. I'd love if you guys would give me some feedback - good or bad. Also, yes, this is a re-uploaded story as I deleted my previous account.
Summary:
He hasn't always loved her, but he almost wishes he had. Because maybe if these feelings had always been buried in his heart he would know how to deal with them, but they weren't and he doesn't.
As Josh stares up at his ceiling, with heartache pounding in his chest, he involuntarily finds himself rethinking his history with her. Trying to pinpoint when he fell in love with her.
He didn't love her the first time they meet. He and his parents are going to New York for Christmas Eve, and Josh had spent the past two weeks telling all of his friends how much fun he was going to have. He had been practically bouncing in his seat the whole drive there, excited to visit his brother. Even then, Cory had been one of his biggest role-models.
When he arrives, the smell of Christmas cookies fills his nose- only intensifying the joy in his veins. He smiles when he's greeted by Topanga and Cory. He grins at his infant nephew Auggie and laughs as he watches the baby's face light up.
Curiously, the only one who doesn't greet him is his niece, Riley. He's confused by her absence, because as far as he's concerned they're considerably close. Sure, she's a girl, and she's younger than him, but she's still pretty cool.
He searches the living room for her, and when his eyes land on the dark-haired girl, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a doll in hand, she's completely absorbed in an unfamiliar blonde girl across from her.
He is almost offended, that Riley can't pull herself away from this stranger long enough to say hello to him. The irritation melts away easily when she turns her head to look at him and her grandparents, beaming brightly enough to reassure any childish jealousy he feels.
Riley puts the doll on the floor, carefully, and snatches the stranger's hand. Tugging her up with what he assumes is all her strength, because the other girl seems to be resisting, his niece comes bounding up to them.
The blonde's head remains down, her eyes on the floor and she's rocking back and forth on her heels as Riley enthusiastically embraces her family. When she finally pulls away, she introduces her friend as Maya.
Maya's head raises at her name, and the first thing Josh remembers thinking is how pretty her eyes are. They're not like the dark blue he sees every time he looks into the mirror, instead they're this clear sky blue. When he takes in the freckles splattered over the bridge of her nose, and the shy curve of her lips, he wonders if all New York girls are so pretty.
Not that he'll ever admit it, because his friend Connor has solemnly informed him that girls have a disease called cooties, and you can only catch it if they know you think they're pretty. So he keeps his comment to himself and nods hello to her.
Almost an hour and a half later, everyone finishes eating and the adults sit on the couch talking about things he doesn't quite understand or just doesn't find interesting, like budgeting and food recipes. It's then when his niece, her friend in tow, approaches him holding out another doll and asking if he would play with them.
At nine-years-old, he's indignant at the offer. This is one of the few times he actually got to see his older brother, and he is not going to play with dolls like a girl. So with a look that is anything but polite, he refuses their invitation.
Guilt washes over him when Riley's face crumbles. No matter how old he gets, he's never able to handle upsetting her. Before he can get the words out, however, Maya has already begun her response.
"Jerk!" she snaps, addressing him directly for the first time all evening.
Even as a six-year-old with wide eyes and innocence written in her features, she's a spitfire.
Those clear blue eyes of hers fall back towards his niece, away from him so easily, she speaks again, this time a taunting edge in her voice. "Riley, I thought you said your uncle was nice. I don't see it."
A flush of anger and embarrassment darkens his cheeks. While kids were cruel, his magnetic cheerfulness and peaceful nature has helped him glide by in school. Most people like him, and the ones that don't have never been so direct.
He silently decides that New York girls might be pretty, but they're mean.
"I'm not a jerk." Josh defends swiftly, an insistence in his words. Wanting her to apologize and agree.
She doesn't.
No, she merely raises her eyebrows. Leaning forward on the tips of her toes and challenging him, "Then play dolls with us."
He ends up playing dolls with them for the rest of the night, and he doesn't enjoy it, but the way Riley and Maya smile as they tell about the lives of each doll makes it much more tolerable.
Maya leaves Christmas afternoon, a frazzled blonde woman full of apologies and gratitude picks her up. When the six-year-old bids him and Riley goodbye, she seems far too sullen in his opinion. Shouldn't she be happy to spend the remaining Christmas hours with her own family?
Maya leaves, still not smiling, and Josh frowns.
Later, he would recount his trip to his school friends. Leaving out the parts about sassy blue-eyed girls and dolls. Focusing instead on tales of how big the buildings were, and exaggerating his adventure on the subway. No, he hadn't loved her then.
It's years before he sees her again. Every time he visits he hears Riley spout off some reason that she's not there. As time goes on, he begins to realize how strange Maya's absence is to his brother's family, he slowly recognizes that she is a regular in their lives.
When he does see her again, Josh doesn't know what he's expecting but it certainly wasn't what he saw. No longer is she the odd six-year-old with more a boldness three times her size, no, she's become a fourteen-year-old with sarcasm dripping off her tongue and confidence that baffled him. How could someone so young have such a large presence?
Their conversation is pleasant, and the observation of her beauty slips out simply. He means it, of course, but only in an objective way. When he calls her gorgeous, it's merely an observation. As if he were complimenting an art piece, or claiming to enjoy a certain movie.
It's almost confusing to him when she ducks her head and blushes like she hasn't heard that a million times, because when he looked at her he knew there was no way she hadn't, but then he remembers that being complimented so suddenly can embarrass a person, so he merely grins and walks away.
He hadn't known the direction their relationship would take.
He hadn't known she'd develop feelings for him, not a crush as she would go on to vehemently insist, but feelings.
Josh starts wearing phrases like, "I'm too old for you," and "This can't be anything," like an armor. He doesn't love her, no, but he's attracted to her. It's hard not to be, he rationalizes, and physical attraction doesn't mean anything if he doesn't act on it.
Her persistence should be annoying, it should make him want to roll his eyes and remind her yet again that nothing will ever happen between them. Somehow it's admiration in the place of irritation, that she's so determined. And fuck if it isn't flattering that it's him she's so determined about. It's those thoughts, however, that are dangerous enough to warrant caution. So he keeps that armor on in her presence and keeps her at a distance.
Still, when they sit side by side, and he tells her that he's still too old for her, the blue-eyed boy knows that it's not just her he's reminding. It's a warning sign when he can't stop the smile that lifts his lips when she informs him that she's 'in it for the long game'.
What he felt then was still fairly platonic, merely an acknowledgement that maybe, if she were older, if he were younger, if things were different he could return her feelings. Just feelings of flattery, that a girl who clearly possessed the ability to get any guy her own age chooses to feel so passionately about him. So no, he doesn't love her yet.
More time goes by, and she's a part of one of the happiest moments of his life when he learns he was accepted into NYU, crashes a college party, comforts him when he's on the receiving end of the very words he's said to her more times than he can count.
He's adjusting to college and she's starting high-school. He keeps true to his promise, to stop looking at her like a child with a silly crush, and as such keeps her at a further distance than before.
When he believed her feelings were nothing more than infatuation, it was easier. Easier to brush them off, and now that he's acknowledging them as something sincere he feels a painful twist of guilt in his stomach whenever he sees her.
So, he avoids her. Not outright, of course, he's not that much of an asshole. All he does is steer clear of anywhere he knows she's going to be beforehand. He's not he's particularly proud of it or anything, but it's what he does.
It's working pretty well, he thinks, and it's hardly cutting into his time with his family. It turns out Maya isn't spending as much time as she used to with at their house, and while he's admits to being a little worried at first, Riley's sincere reassurance of everything being fine washed that away.
The last place he expects to see her is curled up in his brothers apartment building hallway. Two floors below Cory's apartment. At eleven o'clock at night.
He's just spent the night watching Auggie so Cory and Topanga could go on a date night, seeing as to how Riley was also on a date. Of course, she'd come back far earlier than her parents, but he hung around until they got back. Enjoying the company of family.
There's a spark in the way he's walking, he feels lighter than he has in a while. College is harder than he anticipated, and the pressure of it all gets to him more often than he cares to admit. That's when he hears her.
It's not like she's out in the open, and it's the light sound of sobbing that catches his attention.
Honestly, had they not sounded so close, he's not sure he would have actually looked for the source.
When he finds her, she's nestled into the small space between two vending machines with her head on her knees. How the hell she managed to fit in there he'd never know. But he did know that it was Maya, without a doubt. Never in his life had he seen anyone with blonde hair like hers.
"Maya?"
That blonde head snaps up, and something about the sight of tears in her those blue eyes makes his stomach churn painfully. Seeing the alarm and fear in those same eyes only makes the sensation worse.
"Hey there," her voice cracks, "I'm just looking for a dollar I dropped."
A mixture of emotions rifle through him, and he can barely register them each before they flutter away. Fear of what she's doing here. Sympathy, or at least that's what he thinks it is, all he knows is he kinda wants to reach out and hug her. Annoyance that she's brushing this off so poorly. The strongest feeling, however, is some kind of obligation to at least try to help.
All he says is a skeptical "Right." because he's eighteen and he still doesn't know how to handle crying girls. A large part of him doubts he ever will.
"I got dust in my eyes. That's all."
Is she always such a bad liar, or is she just off her game?
"Yeah, that totally explains why you're curled up in a space so narrow I don't think I could fit my whole arm in it."
Maybe a shitty attempt at a sarcastic joke isn't the best choice here, but he can't think of anything else to say.
"Don't be so over dramatic. If it was that small I wouldn't be able to fit at all. I'm not that much smaller than you, you know."
If there's bitterness in those last few words, he chooses to ignore it.
"Why are you in there anyway?"
Her eyes roll, but it's almost painfully obvious she's just acting, "I told you. Dropped a dollar."
"How about I ask again, and you try telling me the truth?"
She's glaring now, and he thinks it's a better look than that panic earlier.
The sharpness in her tone almost has him reeling, he's heard it before of course, but he can't remember a time when it was directed at him, "It's none of your business. Just leave me alone."
"No. I'm not going to just leave you here like this, Maya."
Even though his voice is firm, he still feels lost in this situation.
Tears start again, and they're no longer just pools in her eyes causing some stomach pain, now they're streaking violently down her flushed cheeks and his chest constricts so tightly it's like he can't breath.
"Please don't." her voice is desperate and weak, and he decides he never wants to associate those words with her again.
His hands reach out to her, he was exaggerating earlier he can fit both arms in this little space, and it's like he's acting on autopilot.
She doesn't take his arms, and he doesn't drop them. Instead, with a soft tone he didn't' realize he had, he asks her, "Why are you crying?"
There's no answer, as she just takes his outstretched limbs and wiggles herself from out from between the machines. Neither of them speak as she stands before him, brushing dust off of her clothing. She's not looking at him, and he's not looking away.
The silence starts to scare him and he changes tactics, "How long have you been here?"
"A while."
"I heard you haven't been at Cory's place as much as usual, does that have anything to do with this?"
"I guess."
"Look, I get that I might not be someone you'd like to share personal issues with, but I'm not going to drop this." Only half of him means it, as he really doesn't know Maya well enough to really push her.
"Fine." Josh is startled by how a snarl can sound so miserable, "I was right here crying for about three hours now because I can't work up the fucking courage to talk to my best friend."
Briefly, he wonders if he should get Riley so she and Maya can fix whatever is going on between them.
"Because I just can't go to Riley about everything going on in my life right now like I used to. I love her, Josh. I really do. She's always been my best friend, and I know she'd drop everything to help me with this and I love her for it. But lately...it's so hard to be around her."
Well, that answers that question. Sort of.
"Why is it hard to be around her?" Josh really just wants to understand. If he understands, maybe he can fix it. And he really wants to fix it.
The blonde hesitates, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. It makes him far more uncomfortable than it should to know she doesn't really trust him with this. He ignores the thought that she probably wouldn't have said anything to anyone if he hadn't pushed.
Something in the tone she uses, when she does finally speak, alarms him. "She's with Lucas a lot lately. I don't want to get in their way."
"…you're upset that Riley has a boyfriend?" he asks, confused.
Maya's response comes so quickly he almost flinches, "No!" and then, a few seconds later in a smaller tone, "No. Of course not, I want her to be happy. I do. I just...I don't...I don't want her to leave me behind, I guess."
It's his turn to reply swiftly, "Riley wouldn't do that."
"That's what I thought about my dad too, and he still left."
Both their eyes widen, and he realizes she didn't intend to say that. He wants to punch himself for his response, but he just can't stop the words tumbling from his tongue, "I didn't know that."
There's a bitter misery in her next words, "Well, it's not like I wear a sticker that says 'My dad ditched me' on my shirt or anything."
"That sucks." God, can't he say anything that isn't stupid?
She chuckles, but there's no humor in it, "Yeah. I know."
He tries to change the subject again, as he just doesn't know how to handle this one, "So...you're crying because you feel like you can't talk to Riley?"
"No. Yes. Kind of."
"You're going to have to be a little more clear, kid."
She takes a deep breath, and her voice loses the angry edge in favor of a desperate one. "That's part of it. But...it's just...we're all in high-school now. Everyone's growing up, moving forward, growing. And I feel like they're all going to leave me behind because I still can't let go of all the shit with my dad, and everything that followed. I'm still hurting, and it's making me fall behind. I don't...I don't know how to catch up."
His breath catches, and Josh knows he isn't the one that should be making promises to her. He knows it's not his responsibility to pick up these broken pieces he didn't realize she had. He knows all this, and yet the desire to help, to comfort, is there.
For the first time, he sees her for what she is. She's not a little girl, but she's young. She's not weak, no one who goes through so much and still gets up to face the world could ever be weak, but she's not invulnerable. That's his problem, he realizes, he's always tried to put her on one extreme or the other.
He thinks that Maya needs some kind of savior, someone who can take her pain and sadness away, someone who can heal her. Josh finds himself hating that he can't be her hero.
Watching as something changes in those blue eyes, going from vulnerable to defensive, and she wipes viciously at her cheeks, something within him snaps. Her mouth opens, intent on spitting something out about how she's fine and just overreacting he's sure. Before the first sound can form on her tongue he's pulling her to his chest.
Fuck it, he might not be a hero, but he wants to try.
There's a soft gasp, and she stiffens, he contemplates letting go, fearing that he's gone too far, but the way she falls against him reassures him that he did the right thing. Her own arms are now wrapped around his waist, and Josh shifts his back against the wall.
A dull, almost unnoticed surprise creeps up on him as he adjusts to holding her. Because this is Maya, with those cocky smirks and impossibly witty remarks, and she feels so tiny. He's always known this, that she's shorter, lighter, smaller than him. He supposes that large presence of hers had him tricked, had him believing she was larger than she was.
Each sob that he hears sends a new feeling of hurt through him. He hurts for her. Hurts that someone so strong could feel so small in his arms. There are no words he can think of to help this, no experiences he can share with her to make this better, so he settles for just holding her.
They stay like that for a time, her crying into his shirt, and him trying his hardest to think of something that can fix this. Absently, he notes that her hair smells of light vanilla.
Maya breaks their silence first, her tone far more devastated than he can handle. "I don't want to end up alone."
"It's okay, Maya, it's okay," the words are spilling from his lips before the guilt of making promises he can't keep stops them, "I won't let you."
She pulls away, only a little, just so she can look at him. He finds himself staring back, a ridiculous sense of nervousness twisting around his stomach at what response she might give him.
Blue eyes are red around the edges, and he can still see the glint of tear tracks on her cheeks, and he isn't familiar with the expression she's making, but he can't imagine it's a good one. He was right, he isn't a hero.
It's that moment when she smiles at him. It isn't a large grin, or a bright beam, instead it's a delicate turn of her lips. Her voice is small, and he knows that she's still hurting, but there's a conviction behind the words that tells him he helped, at least a little bit. "I'm gonna hold you to that, Uncle Boing."
And it's in that moment that Joshua Matthews feels like a real hero for the first time in his life. He mutters that he's not her uncle on reflex.
Even as he tightens his grip, holding her close with a protectiveness so fierce it's almost scary, he doesn't love her yet.
After that night, they become closer. She's terrifying, really, with the way she carves out a place for herself in his life and stays there as if she's always belonged. Despite how large her part in his life becomes, she is still just a friend, maybe one of his best, despite the feelings of guilt that comes with her company. She still claims to have feelings of him, and he still can't return them.
They don't get along splendidly, which almost surprises him but then it really doesn't because no matter how much she claims to like him she's still Maya and she will stand by most of her opinions with an iron-will. And he's not even half as stubborn as she is, but he rarely backs down when he thinks he's right. So they argue, often, but there's always an underlying amusement when they're screaming at each other and they haven't managed to stay upset with each other for more than a few days.
Maya's too endearing when she's being difficult and Josh is charming when he wants to be.
College is hard, harder than he can ever remember high-school being, but he's managing. His major isn't the kind of noble profession he's sure his dad would prefer, but he's studying computer sciences and all in all he kinda loves it. Even when it makes him want to tear his hair out.
It's gearing up to be a long night of studying when he heard his phone go off. Josh reached out to grab it off his desk, half-amused and half-exasperated when he saw Maya's name on the screen.
Hey nerd, open the door.
Sighing he does as he's told, but he very distinctly remembers telling her that he had to study for a final.
He's not really all that upset.
The door swings open and Maya is standing on the other side. A dark green scarf wrapped around her neck, and a purse swung around her shoulders. Her hands are behind her back, and there's a smile on her lips.
"I seem to recall telling you I had to study tonight," and he knows she can tell he's not upset at all when she her smile just widens.
With an exaggerated eye roll, he steps out of the way. She practically skips into his room, and when he turns she's holding out two plastic containers.
Confused, he looks at them, "What are those?"
Her response is as cheeky as her grin, "Take one and find out."
Josh takes one, opening the lid curiously. The smell of strawberry is almost immediate, and his eyes snap up to meet hers incredulously.
"You came all the way over here-" his eyes flick over to the digital clock on his nightstand, "-at eight p.m to bring me frozen yogurt?"
The blonde giggles as she sheds her coat onto his bed. "Geez, Matthews. How do you walk through doors with an ego that big? I have to start on this project for my art class, and I passed a fro-yo place on my way here. I thought it'd be rude if I just got some for myself."
Somehow, Maya manages to be equal parts impossible and entertaining. Either way, she manages to keep him on his toes, and he supposes that's why he likes being around her so much.
Choosing to let the comment on his ego go, because he doesn't want to delve into his confidence and the fact that she was the leading cause for why he had so damn much, he arches an eyebrow, "Why'd you come here if you have to do a project? Procrastinating much?"
This time she's the one rolling her eyes, "Because Josh, I have to draw a person. And I don't exactly feel like turning in another drawing of my grandmother." she says as she holds out a pink plastic spoon to him.
"What about Riley?" he asks, taking the utensil. "I'm sure she'd love to be a subject for your art."
"Riles and huckleberry are doubling with Farkle and Isadora." she's already eating her yogurt and settling against his bed. He doesn't complain. "Besides, I've drawn her before. Just never for a project."
He snorts at her nickname for his niece's boyfriend, whose actual name he's a bit embarrassed to admit he doesn't remember, and responds with a teasing, "So I'm your last choice then?"
Maya turns to look at him, taking the plastic spoon from her mouth, and with complete mock-seriousness, "Of course."
He laughs, her expression cracks and she's laughing with him.
"I still have to study though," he tells her after a minute, "This final is a big deal."
She shakes her head, "I know. I was planning on drawing you while you study. I think I'll title it "A harsh reality." so all the idiot jocks taking art for the extra credit get an idea that college isn't all hot girls and wild parties."
He laughs again, and she grins before pulling a sketchbook out of her bag.
"You're really gonna draw me?"
"That was the plan, Uncle Boing."
Finally, after months of friendship, "What's your thing with the nicknames?"
Blue eyes look into his, and she actually seems contemplative. A few seconds later, she answers, "I don't really know. Like with Ranger Rick it's to make fun of him cause he's all...well him, but with most other people, I guess it's just a habit."
He gives her a little smile, and then, "I guess I could have gotten a worse one then,"
Mischief sparks in her features, and there's a sly smirk, "Oh, you haven't even heard the worst of them."
"I don't doubt it. I know you can be real creative," he says, thinking about a particular incident with a some guy on the subway and a caramel milkshake.
She's giggling again, and he assumes she knows what he's referring to, he joins her soon after.
They stay in silence after their laughs die down , her drawing, and him trying to memorize facts that were bound to be on his test. The only sounds in the room are the occasional mutterings under his breath, and the more frequent squeak of an eraser moving against paper.
Maya ends up staying the night, which isn't completely unusual. Of course, she sleeps in his bed while he takes his roommates. Something that he'd feel guilty for, if his roommate was ever around. But the guy practically lived with his girlfriend, so it wasn't like he'd ever find out.
Josh still remembers the taste of strawberry on his tongue, he decides he hadn't loved her then either, although he's pretty sure that's when he began to.
More time goes by, a few months, and Maya stays one of the most important people in his life. She's full of sarcasm and wit, but there's a deeper more insightful side to her. This keeps him from ever growing bored in her presence, and to him, it's strange how much he comes to value her friendship.
Josh has never been one to share emotional problems with others, he doesn't necessarily go out of his way to hide his problems, but he doesn't advertise them either. He likes to think of himself as a pretty chill guy, but he knows that he has his moments.
Somehow, Maya always manages to be there to ward off his fears of failure, soothe any inadequacy he feels, and reassure his self-doubt.
They still argue, of course, but somehow he thinks that they'd both be bored if they didn't. It's not easy to find someone as witty as she is, and he's proud of himself for being able to match her.
There's a debate in one of his classes, an elective Topanga recommended, and his opponent is this guy, all full of bravado and testosterone, and all Josh can do is laugh at him because he's spent so much time keeping up with Maya that arguing with this guy is like playing a game made for children.
It's something of an insignificant Tuesday, with Maya on his bed with her feet against the wall, laughing at a joke he made, when he realizes that he hasn't had a girlfriend in almost two years.
The thought flicks through his head and passes through easily, chalking it up to him just not finding anyone compatible enough to pursue a relationship with. He doesn't think about it again until a girl in his advanced mathematics class asks him on a date.
Her name is Amber, and she's got a shy smile on her lips and pretty brown eyes. He accepts her offer with a boyish grin, and he has to shake off the thoughts of blonde hair and mischievous smirks.
They end up going to a diner, it's her choice, and he thinks it's an alright place for a date. She arrives a little late, and he waves off her apology. They sit, and he tries to say all the things you're supposed to on a date. He compliments her, flirts a little, and ignores the awkward atmosphere between them.
It's not her fault, really, and he knows it's normal. They don't know each other, it's bound to be a little awkward. But he can't help himself from craving a comfortable familiarity. He figures all first dates are like this though.
They're discussing a particularly demanding assignment when he looks up, and he regrets it immediately. Because the sight he's greeted with is Maya Hart standing in the doorway, eyes wide and focused on him and Amber.
Before he can even begin to speak, what he was going to say he doesn't know, the blonde is turning on her heel and leaving. All but sprinting away, and Josh is so very tempted to run after her. But he doesn't know what he'd say if he caught her.
Then Amber gets that shy look on her face again, apparently oblivious to what just occurred, and says she's glad he agreed to come out with her tonight. His heart twists, and he doesn't understand why.
Josh doesn't chase after Maya.
He doesn't love her yet, but the sight of her rushing out of that diner like a bat out of hell makes him feel sick for weeks to come.
He doesn't see her for a while, and even though they text, Josh is panicking. Maya never texts him first anymore, and when she responds to his messages they're short replies hours after he sends them.
Regret, guilt and fear are his most prominent emotions. Amber is nice, sure, but that one mediocre date with her certainly isn't worth the friendship he's built with Maya.
So he comes up with a plan. And with the way his life has been going, he doesn't know why he's surprised when it backfires.
He knows she's going to be at Cory's on friday, because it's one of the few things she does tell him, although she adamantly refuses to tell him why. Perhaps that should have been a warning sign. His plan is to go to visit his nephew, who's been asking for him to drop by for sometime.
When he walks through the door, greeting Auggie with sincere enthusam, he notices Riley's face drop. Another warning sign he doesn't understand.
His timing is as perfect as it is disastrous, because Maya walks into the living room before anyone can tell him what's going on.
Riley squeals, an excited smile as she goes to embrace her friend. "This is going to be the best double date ever!" Josh barely hears her words, as his eyes are still focused on the blonde.
She's gorgeous. God, she's always gorgeous.
His world feels like it's crashing when he registers his nieces words.
A date.
A date.
Maya's going on a date.
He should be happy. He knows that. He should be happy for her. Because she's got this shy smile on her face, and those blue eyes of hers look so excited. But instead he feels a pain in his chest and has to convince himself that it's not the feeling of his heart breaking.
Which is ridiculous. Because he doesn't like her, not as anything more than a friend. At least, that's what he repeats to himself. He's too old for her, they're not even really compatible that way, she's pretty and all...but it's not like he wants to kiss her. Nope. Not ever.
Despite that, Josh can't help the bitterness that claws at the back of his throat when he remembers her smile as she told him that she was in it for the long game. he should be happy for her.
A part of him isn't surprised that he's not, after-all, when it comes to Maya, he's really never been able to feel what he should.
This is a long time coming, he tells himself, a girl like Maya should have gotten a boyfriend a while ago. It's probably his ego, but a part of him thinks it's his fault she hasn't already. His stomach twists, and he suddenly wants to beg her not to go.
But what's he going to say? Is he seriously going to tell her that he doesn't want her to go out with this guy, just because he doesn't like it? Because he doesn't like that she isn't sticking to a stupid promise she made when she was thirteen and didn't understand that waiting around for someone who doesn't know what the hell he's going to do gets lonely?
Yeah, no. He's not the greatest guy in the world, not the guy she thought he was when she was thirteen, but he's not that big of a dick. At least, he doesn't want to be. Maya deserves more than that.
That's when Riley turns to him, her eyes wide and he knows she's going to ask him for something, "You know how much I love you, right?" she starts.
Through his storm of concern, he manages a snort at her tone, "What do you want, Riles?"
"Well," she begins, throwing him a wide grin, "I'm supposed to stay home tonight, to watch Auggie and everything, but Maya finally agreed to go on a date with Rory, but she'll only go if Lucas and I go too, and I was going to leave Auggie with Katy and Uncle Shawn, but since you're here it'll be so much easier if you just watch him. Pretty please?"
He wants to say no, tell her that he's got some plans or something and he only stopped by for a second, but then he sees the almost hopeful look in Maya's eyes and the refusal dies on his tongue.
So he bites his tongue, forces a smirk that he knows appears sincere, and tells them both of course he will, and he even adds that he'll cover for them with Cory and Topanga if he needs to.
He's never lied so well in his life, but somehow he's not surprised to hear the cheerfulness in his voice. He knows he doesn't have it in him to try to refuse Maya a chance at
this experience.
She gives him a smile, it's hesitant and nervous and nothing like the ones he's used to from her and it all feels so wrong. "Thanks, Josh. I appreciate it."
His smile is starting to kill him, "Course, I like hanging out with Auggie anyway."
The kid in question beams up at him, looking at him as if he were the best thing in the world, and he remembers when Maya used to look at him like that.
Riley presses a kiss to his cheek, "Thanks, Uncle Josh."
"Yeah, have a good time, okay?" maybe it's his imagination but he thinks there's a crack in his voice.
It's Maya that answers, with that look on her face she gets when she's trying not to be hopeful. "We'll certainly try."
The girls end up leaving a few minutes later, and he tries to convince himself it's not jealousy he feels.
The thought that really gets him though, as he's sitting on the couch watching some television program with Auggie, trying to take his mind off the whole situation. It's already been an hour or so since they left, but somehow that's when it hits him the hardest. Maya could love this guy, whoever he is, eventually. He'd hold her hand, and make her smile, and he'd even kiss her, he'd be crazy not to.
Josh excuses himself to the bathroom, and clutches his arm to his chest. Willing the hurt away, and thoroughly denies what his feelings imply.
Oh, he loves her then. He just doesn't know it yet.
Josh hates himself for not reaching out to her. Every time he ignores a call or message from her, only to respond a few hours later how sorry he is but he was in class or some bullshit excuse, he feels a twist of self-loathing in his heart.
She doesn't deserve this. And he wishes he could be better, but he knows what teenage girls in relationships do. He knows they talk about their boyfriends, and he just can't listen to Maya sing another guys praise.
Call him self-centered, unfair, or whatever else you like. He's willing to bet money that he's already called himself whatever else you can think of and then something worse.
All he really knows about this guy is his name, Rory, and every time he so much as thinks it a foul taste lingers in his mouth.
It's a Sunday, and he's studying alone in his dorm room when he hears it.
Knock.
The sound is so soft he almost doesn't register it as his own door, thinking someone was just knocking really loudly on a door far down the hall. Until he hears it again.
Knock.
No. It was definitely his door. But he couldn't imagine who it was - no one he knew knocked that softly.
Knock.
This time it's a little louder, and he realizes he has to answer. Lifting himself from his desk chair, Josh opens the door.
Standing on the other side, fist raised as if she were about to knock again, is Maya.
Her eyes are red, swollen from crying, and it's like someone punched him in the gut.
"You've been avoiding me." she accuses softly, and he feels like the worst person in the world because he made her cry.
He can't lie to her, and he hates it because he wants nothing more than to reassure all of her concerns, but he can't lie to her. Not when she's looking at him like that. "It's not your fault, I swear."
She doesn't give any response to his words, instead just dropping a bombshell.
"Rory just dumped me."
"What?" he doesn't realize how loud his question came out until he hears it.
She repeats herself, same quiet tone, and it does nothing to soothe the fury brewing in his chest.
His response is quick, and he's not bothering to conceal the anger behind his words, "He's a fucking moron."
She looks up at him, surprised, and he doesn't know if it's the livid tone he used or that it was the first time he'd ever said fucking in her presence.
Then she shakes her head, "No. He's not." and Josh genuinely wants to throttle this boy.
"You've been avoiding me, and I don't know why, and Rory broke up with me and I just- I don't get it. Why do so many people want to leave me?"
She sounds so miserable, and Josh feels like he's going to throw up.
"That's not-I haven't-Fuck. None of this is coming out right. Look, it's not you. I just...I had some problems I didn't know how to deal with. But it was never you. I promise."
Blue eyes snap up to meet his own, and there's a sudden edge to hers, "Really?"
"Really." he's desperate for her to know how much he means that.
She doesn't cry, but her shoulders shake, and her voice is cracking "I'm sorry for coming here, you're probably-"
"Don't be sorry, Maya." he's practically begging at this point, cutting her off before her words can hurt him anymore and he hates how selfish that feels, "It's okay to come here when you're upset. I...I want to help you. I'm not very good at it, but I want to."
The surprise in her face feels like a dagger to the heart, and it prompts him to tack on an invitation, "Come in."
She doesn't protest, instead she steps in with her head low, and doesn't say anything.
Josh doesn't really know what to say, and it's almost irritating because whenever he was feeling down Maya was always able to throw out the perfect words and boost his spirit. He hates that he can't do the same thing for her.
So, because he's still not the best at handling serious emotions, he asks her quietly, "Do you want to talk about it?"
It doesn't take much prodding, he just has to insist that he really doesn't mind her coming to him with her problems when she speaks again. She tells him about this Rory kid, nothing too specific, just about the break-up. She explains that he told her it was over because she was too distant, and the way her voice sounds when she repeats his words makes Josh want to punch the kid all over again.
Before he can say anything, however, she continues. Going into detail about how if it were just some silly break-up she'd be fine, a little upset, but fine, and then with a deep breath and her head on her knees, she tells him that she saw her father for the first time since she was five-years-old and Josh feels the violent anger flash through him far more intensely than before.
She notices him clenching his fist so hard his knuckles are turning white, and places her hand over his, "Don't get mad." she says softly, and the request distinguishes the flame of rage that'd been burning only seconds earlier.
"Okay." is all he says, and she continues.
Another deep breath, and he notices she hasn't removed her hand, "It was...insane. Like I looked at him, the man that just left me and my mother to fend for ourselves, the man who ran off to have a new family, the man that's supposed to be my father, and I felt so many things all at once it was all just so overwhelming."
She pauses, he urges her to continue, and she does.
"He recognized me, god I don't know what I'd have done if he didn't, and the look on his face was terrifying. Not because he was threatening, but because he seemed so genuinely worried. That'd I'd make a scene or something, I guess." her voice is definitely cracking now, and Josh turns his hand over, gripping hers in a way he hopes is comforting.
"I didn't know what to do, Josh. I wanted to yell at him, or cry, or ask him why he left and I couldn't do any of it. I just froze. And I was going to tell Riley about it, you know? But then Rory called me, and he ended things, and I just came here."
He reaches out before he realizes it, and she falls against his chest easily. Her small arms wrapping around him, and he speaks into her hair, "It's okay, Maya."
Her next sentence breaks his heart, "I'm so tired of being left, Josh." and then, "What am I doing wrong?"
"Nothing. Okay. Nothing. It sucks, but sometimes people just suck." he's helpless at this really, but he's trying.
She's sobbing now, the shaking in her shoulders getting almost violent, and he carefully guides them over to the bed and holds onto her. It's different from last time, more natural almost because he's still not good at this, but he's better. So he mutters reassuring things to her, and tries to articulate that he doesn't care how broken she is, he's still going to be here for her.
Josh ends up holding her like that until she falls asleep, and he's partially terrified that if he moves away from her she'll wake up and start crying again. So instead he just moves down on his back, with her head still on his chest, and tries to sleep.
He loves her, but he's not ready to admit it to himself yet.
Her eighteenth birthday rolls around before he knows it, and she vehemently insists that she's got no interest in a big party. Much to Riley's disappointment, although to be fair no one is especially surprised.
So instead of the elaborate celebration Josh is sure his niece wanted to give her, Maya gets a small little get together of the people close to her.
It's at Cory's apartment, which seems fitting since Maya's admitted a few times that she feels more at home there than her actual home. He shows up on time, because he's honestly kind of honored he even got an invite to something that feels so intimate the minute he gets there.
No more than ten people are there, including himself, and despite how intensely personal it feels at first he eases into it quickly. Shawn is there, and Josh is a little relieved because he knows how much the man means to Maya, and he wants this to be a good memory for her.
The gifts she receives are mostly art supplies, high quality from the look of joy and gratefulness on her face. But Riley gets her a very beautiful pair of heeled boots, because as much as Maya hates it she's pretty short so she tries to compensate with ridiculous heels.
She's seemed so ridiculously happy with all of the gifts so far, that when she moves to open the one he brought, he's more nervous than he cares to admit. As she unfolds the wrapping paper, carefully because despite what her aggressive personality might imply she likes to take her time in the meaningful moments, he suddenly regrets not buying her that brush kit she told him about.
After what seems like an eternity, but is really only a few seconds, she's holding a rectangular black box in her hand and everyone is looking at him as she flips it open.
The necklace inside is simple, just a silver chain with a small metal cat charm dangling in the middle, it made him think of her so he thought it was a good idea at the time. As he feels the eyes of her friends and family bore into him he finds himself doubting his choice. He's smart enough not to look at them though, keeping his gaze steady on Maya.
Blue eyes meet his, and when she beams so brilliantly at him he feels all of that doubt fall away. He smiles back, and watches as she takes the silver necklace from the box. Watches as she stands up, walks towards him and holds it out to him.
For a second, he's confused, but when she bunches her hair together and turns around he understands. Despite the furious blush on his cheeks, because fuck, this feels like way too much intimacy to be experiencing in front of his older brother.
But it's Maya, so he clasps the chain around her neck and doesn't take his eyes off of her. She turns around to look at him, and that beam from earlier has softened but it's still just as bright. Her fingers go up to her neck, brushing against the charm, and she speaks in a low tone that makes him feel more special than it should.
"I love it. Seriously. Thank you."
He can't take his eyes away from her, and she's looking at him as if he's the only person in the world. Somehow Maya's always done that, made him feel like some kind of hero for just being himself. He's looking at her smile, her lips, when he realizes what he wants.
Josh wants to kiss her.
And he thinks, no he hopes, that she wants that too.
Because she's eighteen now, even if it's just barely, and he can.
But everyone is looking at them, and he'd really rather not kiss her for the first time in front of such important people in both of their lives. Plus he's a little worried that Shawn might try to attack him if he does.
So he doesn't kiss her. Well, not the way he wants to - the way he begrudgingly hopes she wants him to - because he just presses his lips to the top of her forehead and grins at her.
"Happy birthday, Maya."
He loves her then, but he's simply terrified of how much.
Things seem to shift after that, but it's subtle. And despite a few reoccurring thoughts of doing something, of kissing her or holding her hand or whatever it is, he never does. Because he's logical, and he knows that their friendship is much too important to him to put at risk.
Besides, he thinks she's gotten over her old feelings for him. She hasn't brought anything like that up since her first boyfriend, and he knows Maya rarely keeps quiet about things like that. So he shoves down his feelings, and maintains their friendship.
He's never more grateful for his choice than when she comes barging into his room, throws her bag down and wraps her arms around him because she knows. She knows that him getting a D on his test is more than just a D, it's a reminder that he isn't as good as he wants to be.
She knows that he has all these unrealistic goals, some set by himself and some by his father, and the pressure continuously buries him and sometimes it gets hard to breath.
So he holds onto her, this girl that's been such a constant in his life for so long, and he clings to the stability she's offered him. He lets her ward off his fears of failure, and listens when she tells him he's not a failure.
He loves her, but at that moment, he needs her as a friend more than anything else.
A few more months roll by, and he's walking her home. It's cold, and snowing, and the tips of his ears are painfully red but really he doesn't mind it all that much. Because Maya is right beside him, and she's wearing these adorable rain boots and a coat that she stole from him years ago.
She's laughing at something he said, blue eyes staring forward, and he peers down to see her smile. Her hat is snug on top of her head, but the hair that's still falling down around her shoulders and back is splattered with snowflakes. Her cheeks are flushed from the cold, and he grins at her smile, it's that bright carefree grin that he loves so much.
He stops.
Did he just- oh god, he did.
And that's when it hits him. Fully. He's had his suspicions for a while now, but they've always been coated in a thick amount of denial. But there's no refusing it now.
He is wildly head over heels in love with Maya Penelope Hart.
The realization knocks the breath out of him, and he lets out a strangled gasp that reminds him of the sound actors make when their characters are dying.
She turns her head to look at him, eyebrows furrowed and lips parted with concern. She says something and but he doesn't hear it. All he can think about is the way her lips move when she speaks, that he's in love with her, and that he wants to kiss her.
He really wants to kiss her. He wants to do so many things with her really. He wants to hold her hand, and introduce her to people as Maya, his girlfriend. He wants the right to glare at any guy who tries to hit on her. But for right now, he just really wants to kiss her. This time there's no one watching them, except maybe a few passerby's but he really doesn't care what any of them think. He just wants to kiss her so much.
So he does.
Josh grabs her face, and presses his lips to hers before he can stop himself. And he never knew a kiss could feel so comfortable and passionate all at once until he felt the way her lips moved against his. She's kissing him back, and it's the greatest high he's ever felt.
Then he pulls back, as another realization crashes down on him like a bucket of ice water. Maya may have liked him as a thirteen-year-old, she may have kissed him back just now, but he knows better. He's smarter than he wants to be, and he knows where this is going.
Because Josh isn't anything special, not really, and Maya is every kind of wonderful, and she'll grow tired of him eventually. And dating her, for however long it takes, just isn't worth hearing her tell him she's bored of him. Those are words he doesn't think he'd be able to recover from.
He suddenly can't breath, and fear runs cold through his blood. Because there's no going back to being her friend after this. He's never been much of an actor to begin with, but know that he knows what her lips feel like underneath his, there's no way he'll be able to watch her find someone that deserves her.
The thought makes his stomach twist, and she must see it on his face because hers goes from blissful to concerned and his heart feels like it's breaking. It probably is.
He runs away. Because he doesn't know what else to do and he's absolutely terrified. Sprinting so fast his high school coach would have taken back every last word about his 'wasted athleticism'.
He's in love with her, and he just ruined any chance he could ever have being a constant in her life.
He's been laying on his bed for almost thirty minutes now, wallowing in the sorrow that plagued his mind. Because even if she forgives him for kissing her, for running away right afterwards, things can never go back to the way they were.
Josh can never be just friends with her now that he knows what it feels like to kiss her. His stomach rolls as he thinks about everything, this situation he's found himself in, and he feels sick.
There's a knocking at the door, urgent and aggressive, that pulls him out of his thoughts. It must be his roommate, probably got into a fight with that girlfriend of his and some part of Josh is glad he isn't the only one who's going to be sulking tonight.
He locked the door when he came back, without even really thinking about it, and he gets up to let the guy in. The sound that he hears next, however, surprises him into stopping just before his hand touches the doorknob.
"Joshua Matthews!" A voice so familiar it hurts screeches, "Open the door right now or I'll kick it down!"
He opens it, of course, he's known her far too long to believe she's bluffing.
The sight he's greeted with is Maya Hart, with wild blonde hair, livid blue eyes, and her lips are curled into the most furious snarl he's ever seen. She's so absolutely breathtaking, and he's so fucking screwed.
He can't speak, and he doesn't have time to find out if it's because words just won't form on his tongue or if she's just beat him to the punch when she starts talking, or yelling is more accurate, "What the fuck, Josh? Did you really think you could just run away from me after that? That I wouldn't say anything about it?"
She sounds angry and hurt all at once and he hates it.
He can only make a sound of complete unknown desperation, before she's continuing, "I've spent so many years chasing after you, dumbass. You think I'm going to stop now?"
"Huh?"
Simple. Confused. A summary of every thought racing through his mind.
" I've let too many people I love run away from me, Josh. I'm not going to let you."
Did she just-she did. She said that, and he's not imagining it. "What?"
Even he knows that he should be more articulate.
Maya glares at him, and there's a frustration in her voice, "Is that all you can say? Or have you suddenly lost your entire vocabulary?"
"Love?" he splutters out after a few seconds, still entirely caught up on that one word. Because she's never said that, and the word makes all of this more intense. Because sure, he loves her, but he never thought she felt that strongly about him.
Her eyes widen, like she's shocked that he's so surprised. She throws her hands up, and huffs, annoyance in her features. "Yes, love, I thought it was blaringly obvious by now - but fine, I'll say it. I'm in love with you, I have been for years now."
He can't help it, it's so wrong and he knows it, but he just can't stop the laugh that falls from his lips. Because leave it to Maya to be irritated the first time she tells him she loves him.
Somehow, he'll never know exactly how but he chalks it up to her just knowing him so damn well, she knows why he's laughing. Her expression goes from irritated, to offended, to exasperated and after a few seconds she's laughing with him.
Finally, when he looks over at her and sees the girl who's been somehow managed to catch up to him despite being three steps behind, and capture his heart so completely, he stops trying to run. Stops trying to think of reasons they shouldn't be together.
Instead, he reaches out and pulls Maya against him. Her hair still smells like vanilla, and he feels like he's got all the time in the world to memorize that smell.
His voice is resolute, and it feels so damn good to finally be able to admit this, to say it aloud, "I love you too,"
There's a snort from her, and he grins. "You sure have a funny way of showing it, Matthews."
His shoulders shake in a silent laughter, "Yeah, well, not everyone is as good at figuring this stuff out as you are, Maya."
He feels her shake her head against his chest, and she only mutters one word "Jerk." and he chuckles aloud because that's the first thing she ever said to him and it feels so fitting.
She leans her head up after a second, and he leans down, their lips meet and it kinda feels like coming home.
Josh hasn't always loved her, but he knows it was always just a matter of time.
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