Disclaimer: They're not mine.
They were teachers, they shaped the future generations into the educated members of society. The future had never looked so scary…or so very stupid. Leon was sure that most of his co-workers had terrified their universities into giving them the degree and that they needed really a warning stamped in big red letters on the application forms; 'Caution: People of questionable sanity and intelligence teach here.'
Not a particularly inspired title but whatever.
The School Year Caffine
Something was very wrong with all but three of his fellow teachers, Leon observed with a tight look. Most of his co-workers had been lethargic for a week or two; many also nursed severe headaches or migraines. The only upshot was Vexen's absence from the staffroom. The Chemistry teacher made his blood run cold for some reason so his lack of attendance was well-cherished by Leon. The only exceptions to this peculiar affliction were the school Nurse Aerith, Cid Highwind the Auto-shop teacher and Sora who seemed more…mischievous.
…that didn't bode well. He noted grimly with a sage nod as he watched Aerith dispense aspirin to the immensely grateful faculty. Gripping his can of coke tighter he made his way over to where the petite Art teacher, Naminé, was trying to fight off a headache and make sense of her students' not-meant-to-be-abstracts, to offer the poor woman some assistance.
Hindsight was truly twenty-twenty.
His co-workers had been suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Sora, he discovered, had switched the staffroom coffee supply with decaf. Leon knew this because now a month and a half later the damned Japanese teacher switched it back, conveniently at a time when their co-works had overcome their caffeine dependency and traded it for a low caffeine tolerance.
This was why he personally brought a coke from the vending machine in the cafeteria instead of using the coffee machine. Caffeine was guaranteed.
Sighing to himself, he comforted yet another traumatised student. There were many of them that day. The caffeine reinstated into the coffee supply with into the high consumption rate per teacher…his questionable colleagues were on a high of insane proportions…even for high school.
"Marluxia!" He barked abandoning the sobbing quarterback and placing himself between the horticulture teacher and the trembling wresting team. "The boys do not want to smell like roses!"
"Cherry blossom for them then? Rose for you?"
Leon's eye twitched as he backed away slowly. "…boys, you're on your own." He ignored the look of horrors as the students realised their one sane teacher was abandoning them. "…Keep in mind, lasting damage results in detention. Lots of detention." He smirked lightly to himself as he saw the gears turning in their heads before darting around the corner when he bumped into another frantic student, one he quickly identified as Iago, who was failing his history class quite badly.
"Mr. Leonhart! Mr. Strife has gone crazy in the gym!"
"Doesn't he always?" The brunet mumbled taking off in the direction of the gymnasium with a scowl. He paused at a stairwell to warn students from going upstairs; Axel and Roxas were engaged in a violent paintball war with Zexion and Demyx. Axel was declaring all bystanders as traitors which he promptly tried to eliminate. It wasn't a pretty sight and Leon doubted poor little Abu would be able to look at paint without mental trauma ever again. Equally out of bounds was the art room were Naminé and Kairi were throwing mounds of clay at anything that moved with a shrieks that sounded something like 'Werewolf!', Leon chose not to dwell there long. He'd discovered moments later that Lexeaus was holed up in his classroom creating piñatas out of his teaching notes. No harm there, so Leon made a careful note to stay away from the man when the Physics teacher discovered what he'd done to his own notes.
The Principal's office was no longer a sanctuary either; Ansem was tied to his chair with electrical cords and was being held hostage by Xemnas who had taken over the intercom and demanded that the school submit to darkness. That was, of course, what you saw if you got past the secretary, Larxene. Larxene, when Leon had braved going in at interval to report the problem with the staff, had been firing staples at the door (He nearly got one in the forehead, damnit he didn't need another scar!). The sadistic secretary had also been gluing all the paperwork to the walls and had, much to Leon's amazement, glued the minutes from the last board meeting to the ceiling. He had been thankful when he'd stopped by the garage to find Cid simply vibrating in his place and talking at an incomprehensible speed. Students rarely listened to Cid anyway, except to pick new swear words so little damage was accounted there.
Tifa and Yuffie were the scariest.
Leon had been forced to order the girls to form a warning system for the boys. Lockhart and Kisaragi were 'spreading the word' of Yaoi, which they claimed to be "the new religion". This consisted of showing their male students graphic doujinshi and demanding re-enactments, or screeching at the heterosexual boys to convert to homosexuality. Leon could only pray that a new wave of homophobia didn't break out.
Leon didn't care to discover what the remainder of colleagues were up to; what he'd seen was bad enough to have him wonder if the school would fund his therapy. After all it was the stress of the job and the pressure of dealing with the other staff members that took a toll on his precious sanity.
Opening the door to the gym Leon was greeted with a baseball bat spinning past his head, nicking his ear. His eyes narrowed and locked onto the blonde coach.
"Strife." He growled, his voice a low rumble of thunder, much to the delight of the captive students. Walking in further, he waved the shaken teenagers out the door as he stopped two metres away from the other man.
"Leonhart! You let Sephiroth's remnants get away!"
I should've known. He thought mournfully, even high the blonde's first thought was of the rivalling coach at the private school across town. Nobody understood the enmity between the two men. According to Tifa who'd grown up with them, they'd hated each other since day one of preschool. For some absurd reason, Cloud decided in high school that Sephiroth was a genetic experiment bent on destroying the world and Sephiroth in return declared Cloud to be a puppet of darkness. Leon had chosen to stay out of the matter, instead referring the psychology teacher Axel to it. Axel had been eternally grateful to Leon; apparently the pair made a fascinating case study.
Pulling himself out of his thoughts, Leon fixed Cloud with a glare. "They're not…remnants? The hell Strife?" He quickly cut off the man before he could respond. "No! J-just…no."
"You look upset." Cloud noted cheerfully twirling a tennis racket around with fast movements while spinning a basketball on the index finger of the other hand. a jerk of his hand had the racket coming perilously close to hitting Leon in a sensitive place.
"Put the sports gears down."
Leon was surprised to see the other comply with no protest but he knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. He grabbed Cloud's wrist and dragged him to the coach's office. There he proceeded to dump the blonde on the couch before rummaging in the overstock fridge for the beer he knew the blonde kept.
"Alcohol is a depressant; it should counteract the caffeine, right?" He reasoned aloud, cracking open a bottle and handing it Cloud with an order to drink. As the man happily chugged the beverage down Leon groaned as the realisation hit that he'd now have a caffeine high staff and one drunken co-worker to contend with.
"Screw Harry Potter. This is where the real evil happens. A quiet year's impossible at this school."
Owari.