The Exciting Adventures of Tayuya
Featuring Tayu/Oro, Oro/Naru, Tayu/Shika, Tayu/Sasu, Tayu/Gaa, Shika/Chou, Naru/Sasu, Oro/Kabu, Lee/Gaa, bad-writing/no-plot, gratituous-pairing-inclusions(feel free to make suggestions!)/lack-of-serious-characterisation-and-overuse-of-stereotypes-which-I-actually-feel-really-bad-about-because-I-hate-it-when-people-do-that-but-this-is-crackfic-so-it-doesn't-count, and many, many more! Probably!
Chapter 1
One and Nine, Nine and Four: To Give the Gift of Uchiha
"You're fucking beautiful, you know? I had you pegged as a pervy homo all this time, but you really proved me wrong, huh, Orochimaru-sama?"
Tayuya gently (as gently as possible for her, which was not actually very gently) caressed her lover(she noogied him in the side of the face hard enough to leave a bruise), and the pale, effeminate man leered back at her.
"Of course, my dear. I have eyes for no other but you."
They lived happily ever after.
..Until the day. That fateful day! The day.. HE came.
Tayuya was out with her pack of bestest buddies, the fatty, the fags and the freakshow, picking up a present for her snuggle-bunny. When they'd gone shopping recently, he had absolutely fawned over a young boy in a neighboring village; one Uchiha Sasuke. Tayuya didn't fear competition for Orochimaru-sama's affection – she knew that the man only desired Sasuke in the form of a play-thing, and as a future container for his apparently undying soul. Tayuya being the sweet and perceptive girl she was, had immediately picked up on the signals Orochimaru-sama was sending her, and whisked her friends away to help her collect the unsuspecting child.
Sasuke fell hook, line and sinker for the story Tayuya had fabricated to lure him with – something about power and avenging his clan(Kabuto had told her it would work, and by jove, that man was good for something after all), and hopped eagerly into the decorative box she had prepared earlier. She would add the ribbons and bows later. Orochimaru-sama was very keen on ribbons and bows.
The quartet(sextet? Including Sasuke and Ukon?) tripped on merrily back to Otogakure.
Until!
A loud and obnoxious group of young men accosted them part-way there, and demanded that they release the Uchiha and allow him to run free and wild in his natural habitat! Tayuya tried to calmly and reasonably(with lots of calm, reasonable screaming and explosive language) explain to them that Sasuke had come quite willingly – but they just wouldn't listen. One by one they attacked, and Tayuya bravely carried on alone with her barrel'o'Sasuke, until two of the group caught up with her! The cleverest one, Nara Shikamaru, and the noisiest one, Uzumaki Naruto.
Out of the blue, her other buddy suddenly appeared in the trees ahead! He'd been too sick to come along, but apparently he was ok now. Go figure.
Anyway, this guy Kimimaro told Tayuya that he'd take care of Uzumaki while she dealt with Nara. She did a happy little dance of joy, and took out her uber battle flute of wibbly death to make quick work of that lazy dirt-rat. But he would not be made quick work of! She almost had him, after a long struggle, when all of a sudden a fluffy blonde chick showed up and grinned an evil grin!
"Pokeball, go! I choose you, Linoone!"
Tayuya flailed. Her type was weak to Linoone's normal type! She flailed and flailed some more!
Tayuya used Withdraw!
Tayuya's defense rose!
Linoone used Cut!
It's super effective!
Tayuya fainted!
..And thus, the epic battle drew to a close. Linoone's level rose, and it learned Belly Drum. The fluffy blonde girl cackled an evil cackle, and retreated. But Tayuya was not dead, as might have otherwise been inferred by the large number of trees crushing her body! She was merely fainted! Shikamaru duly noted this fact, and being so awesomely clever, deduced that she was not in fact evil and deserving to be killed at all, and so he rescued her from her almost certain discomfort, and revived her with a max revive that Chouji had given him earlier.
They had a long chat and quickly became friends.
Suddenly Kimimaro reappeared. How did that boy do that?
He was unexpectedly covered in gore and injuries!
He gave a weak, withering cough and looked up at Tayuya with bloodshot eyes.
"Orochimaru-sama… Has sh-..shacked up.. With.. Naruto."
(And now, a note from me! Wow, these chapters look even shorter on here than they do on Word. Hum. Well. This fic was born when I did that meme(you know, THAT meme…) where you get however many characters from a series and then theres a bunch of situations suggested and you get all these random pairings and… stuff. Yeah. Yeah.)
(…Yeah)
(…Hey, don't blame me, I didn't tell you to read it!)