More than once
More than once Jason Todd feels lost. Lost in vengeance, bewilderment, lost in purpose. The hatred in his soul conflicted against the insistent mercy of his heart. More than once he tried to make sense of the burning intensity of his retribution and more than once he tried to choose forgiveness. Forgiveness for everything he felt, for the people that betrayed him, and the forgiveness for the relentless pain of his own ego.
More than once Jason Todd finds himself staring up the familiar structure in front of him . A mansion with a 'W' insignia decorated on each side of the marble door. He gazes intensely at the door, his eyebrows furrowed anxiously at the familiarity and the strangeness of building. The building was intimidating yet in a strange way, inviting.
He sighs, wondering the reason for his presence. He admits, he was slightly taken aback when Dick called, boy wonder practically begged him to come home for one of those stupid get together. Surprised, but silently glad that big brother had demanded his presence, he agreed only with a condition. He wouldn't be able to on his own, despite his best intentions. Well, he could but after what happened in the past, he finds it slightly awkward to come unannounced. But this year, this year specifically the Bat family decided to throw a party for the eldest robin, to bond and commemorate his return. Jason couldn't help but roll his eyes at the thought, Dick Grayson faked his death and the whole of Gotham city and beyond mourns. Granted, death, fake or not is a serious matter but Jason couldn't help but frown at the blatant discrimination. Not long after coming back from the dead, Billionaire Bruce Wayne suddenly throws random parties and balls like nobody's business. God knows daddy bats wouldn't dream of making the first robin feel underappreciated. Even red robin and robin had paid Dick endless amount of attention lately.
'Appreciation', Jason scoffed at the thought. That's the difference between Dick and him. When it came down to it, no one bats an eye when Jason Todd lives or die, no one gave two shits about who did it or why they did it. If anything, Batman was the only person, a father figure he held on so tight because he was sure he would get even. But...
I guess people surprise you sometimes.
Good thing he told Dick that he would only go if Bruce is okay with it For the sake of the bat family and Dick's, it's better if Bruce is informed to avoid unnecessary conflicts. It's not that he guarantees a fight or anything, it's just a precaution, a heads up so that no one feels like they're left out of anything.
Geez, he's more considerate than people gave him credit for.
And hey, what do you know... he's okay with it. If it were up to him, typically, he wouldn't bother with civil entrances but somehow, this time, after everything, he could be civil about it. Just this once. God knows he really wants to.
Too many memories shared on this one day alone. Jason remembers his sometimes successful attempts at stealing a slice of the heavily decorated pastry when Alfred was not looking or the time when he convinced Dick that it was a fancy dress party and that it was mandatory to dress as your favorite superhero. But that plan had backfired depending on opinion because Jason had no regret about Dick dressing up as wonder woman, but the Justice League's reaction had him laughing all week. Funny, he had always thought Dick to be a superman fan but then maybe he was wrong.
Jason smiles at the far away memory, a sense of nostalgia overcome him. There was no doubt in his mind that being robin was one of his most cherished and important life events, despite how things turned out. He wonders about the choices he made, momentarily reflecting his actions and the family he left behind. Sometimes he feels tired, tired of fighting, tired of feeling torn whether he should punch Bruce's self-righteous smug face or to sob disgustingly in his arm. Most days it's the former, but today it's the latter.
Jason extends his arm slowly, hovering his finger on the doorbell. He swallows nervously, his hands shaking and his knuckles tighten under pressure. The more he stares at the small bell button, the more he feels as if his surroundings are closing in on him. Suddenly one simple task became so daunting that he swears will leave him traumatized of door bells.
'Just do it already!' he scowled at himself, irritated at his lack of action. But before he could do so, the door swung open to reveal a black haired, blue eyed Dick Grayson. He was dressed in a smart and elegant suit, his hair combed neatly in a stylish way. Dick stared at Jason, slightly surprised by his presence. Jason quickly fixed himself, standing up straight and cleared his throat.
'You're here..." Dick smiled, his gaze softens at the sight of his younger brother.
"Yeah, "Jason mumbled, burying his hands in his pockets. Neither said anything for awhile as awkward silence stretched for a second or two. Noticing the guarded stance Jason now possess, Dick decides that silence wasn't going to help.
"Do you want to come inside?" asked Dick, his voice welcoming. Jason relaxed a little at Dick's invitation before rubbing his neck awkwardly.
"Um...does Bruce know?"
"Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be glad to know you're here," Dick smiled, reaching out to escort Jason into the mansion. Jason planted his feet on the ground, firmly, not budging as Dick tries to lead him in.
"He doesn't know." A statement. Going through the trouble of mustering the courage to even step foot on Wayne property seems pointless now and he might as well discard all attempts to act civil and fly in through the window instead.
"I haven't told him," Dick supplied, "but—"
"Bye," Jason said flatly as he turned to walk away.
"Wait, Jason..." Dick quickly reached out, holding on to Jason's arm, halting him mid step. "Come on, you came all this way. You're already here so join us."
Slowly, Jason turned his head to meet Dick's. "You said you'd tell him. That was part of the deal."
"Yeah but that sounded too forced. Like a condition," Dick frowned. "It shouldn't be that way; he shouldn't treat you that way. You're family."
For a second, Jason feels a strange sense of belonging. As if despite his actions, someone still cared. A sense of warmth filled his chest.
"I don't care what you think Grayson. If you don't want me to ruin your night I suggest you let go. "
"No, I know you don't mean that. If you did, you wouldn't have come."
True, but Jason wasn't going to outright admit it. Instead, he scoffs at dick's statement. A clichéd response for a typical angsty soul.
"So, you think you got me all figured out. Oh, sure, of course, you would Dickie. Dick perfect Grayson, always think he knows best."
"Why are you making it harder than it is?" Dick raised his voice slightly, his frustration practically oozing out. Jason stared at the older man, slightly startled by the sudden tension.
"Because I don't fucking belong here!" Jason's furrowed his eyebrows as Dick gave him a perplexed look, taken aback by Jason's response. Jason inhaled sharply, feeling a weight on his chest. There he goes again, stubbornly mouthing random angsty retort.
Dick stood there, silent. He knew Jason had always been distant but he had no idea he excluded himself out of the family altogether.
"O-of course you do, Bruce—"Dick began; his voice slightly shaking before Jason swiftly interrupted him.
"Bruce is doing fine without me. You're all doing fine." Jason turned his head away to avoid Dick's intense gaze.
"Look, Dick, I know you mean well," Jason started, "But you wouldn't understand how I feel." No, Dick wouldn't. He knows that. Being idolized and loved by practically everyone around him, Dick couldn't even begin to understand the betrayal and the pain he had gone through. Dick of all people would laugh and find faults in his decisions, his reasons for doing what he does.
He can imagine it now. Dick lecturing him just as Batman did about his poor judgments and his impulsiveness.
"You're right, I wouldn't." Dick agreed sincerely. See, figures. And boy wonder isn't shy about it too.
"I don't understand," Dick continued. "But I want to."
Wait, what? Did he hear that right?
"What?"
"You have all this anger, "Dick moved closer to his younger brother. "This grudge, and yet you came all this way worrying what Bruce, Alfred, Tim and Damian thinks."
Jason chewed on his lip, darting his gaze away. Stupid Grayson.
"Yeah, so? What?" Jason shrugged, "You want me to come all this way to crash your party instead? That's still an option."
Dick let out a small sigh, "aren't you tired of being bitter all the time?"
"that depends," Jason replied. "You tired of being perfect all the time?"
Dick frowns at the sarcastic response but decides to ignore it. "Look, I get it. I understand why you feel this way. I know you feel like he doesn't care but you had no idea how broken he was, how much he felt like he failed you. "
Jason stayed silent, moving his arms to fold it against his chest.
Jason licked his lips before lightly nodding his head in sarcastic approval. "Oh gee, now I feel childish carrying all this resentment with me. Ah, no wonder my bags have been heavier these days."
"Jay..."
"At least he felt bad about it, I mean, at least he felt guilty about not saving me. God knows that was the point. No wonder I'm so salty about it right, I mean, being dead is so upsetting."
"Jason, it's alright to be angry..."
"Pfft, you're right, why should I be mad? it's not like the Joker still roams the street of Gotham. It's not like someone else replaced me, not like he forgot," Jason chuckled lightly, "It's not like some kid suddenly shows up as his son, even then he went through hell for him. But I guess I'm the exception." Jason's voice starts to break, his lips quivering.
"I'm used to surviving on my own, always have been before Bruce Wayne came into the picture. I'm used to fighting my own fucking battles." Jason grits his teeth, his green eyes burning into Dick's blue ones. "But don't you dare stand there and tell me how broken he was about my death. Little boohoos here and there, fine. knowing your f—father figure , someone you look up to wholeheartedly, someone you thought would do absolutely anything for you does jack shit about the bastard who killed you.
Dick opens his mouth to respond but decides against it.
Jason sighs and tilts his head downward, dropping his gaze to the ground.
"I'm sorry, I didn't...if there's anything—" Dick fumbled at his words.
"Fuck, who needs him. I don't—" Jason closes his eyes, holding the tears forming in his eyes. "This has nothing to do with being able to save me, I don't care about that." His voice cracks a little as he wiped the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. " I just thought he loved me enough to get even, to push his stupid morals aside just once, for my sake like I know he would for y-you..."
Dick stared at his brother, this time properly looking at him. He always knew Jason had a rough time growing up, with all the violence he was exposed to probably made him that way. In a way, Dick admired Jason for his persistence, his ability to survive even in dire times. Dick assumes that's the reason why Bruce took him in because he saw great potential. And no doubt, Bruce was right. But this was the first time Dick sees the vulnerable Jason Todd. In Jason's eyes, the Joker's life is a measure of how much he means to Bruce. To find out nothing changed must be a hard blow. Looking at Jason now, broken, vulnerable and completely sincere makes Dick feels a strange sense of sadness.
Without warning, Dick wraps his arm around Jason. The contact made Jason freeze, his eyes widened in sheer confusion and shock. If he thought Dick was nice to look at far away, he's even better up close. Without words, Dick tighten his hold on Jason, somehow letting Jason know that he's heartbroken too and that he empathize now, more than ever.
"Don't carry this burden anymore, little wing," Dick whispered, his voice comforting that Jason couldn't help put loosen under his embrace, slowly melting into the hug. "I'm sorry, for not being there for you. I—"
"Grayson, what's the holdup?" A familiar voice chimed in from behind. Jason quickly untangled himself from Dick's embrace but before he could hide or run, Dick quickly took hold of his arm. Glazed with anger and panic in his eyes, he furrowed his eyebrows at Dick.
"Is Todd coming or not?"
Jason paused.
Suddenly, two figures appeared out of the shadows, Tim and Damian dressed in a smart tux both smiled at the second robin. Jason relaxed his posture as Dick let go of his hold.
"Tch, only you would be late for your own party."
"My party?"
"You didn't tell him did you?" Tim sighs, folding his arm.
Dick chuckled lightly, "Its more fun this way. Besides, Alfred and Bruce said they might need a bit more time with preparations anyway."
Alfred? Bruce? Jason nearly faints at all the sudden new information. He must've died again and this must be heaven. Or maybe, this must be some kind of alternate universe. Suddenly, a tall figure made itself present in between Damian and Tim, dressed in a suave looking tuxedo with gel slick hair.
"Better late than never."
"B-Bruce!"
Jason quickly turned to Dick for some explanation to which Dick simply smiles and cleared his throat. "We really miss you, little wing. For whatever it is, we might not be the best at showing how we really feel but even for today, we can try to be there for you."
Silent, Jason moves his gaze to the people in front of him. Jason rubs his neck nervously, slightly ashamed at not so nice thoughts he had of them. Here he was thinking it's too late to make amends with the only people who matter. As stubborn as he is, he wasn't stupid enough to let this opportunity go. And, deep down, he knows he wants to, waited for a chance like this. He was happy, but at the same time, there's a lot to take in. A party? For him? He wouldn't be mad if he woke up in his safe house right now and finds out it's all a dream. Suddenly, Jason feels slightly overwhelmed over the sudden appreciation.
"I-" Jason starts before his vision suddenly becomes blurry and before anyone has anytime to react properly, Jason was already on the floor, passed out on the front door of Wayne manor. The last thing he heard were different muffled panic voices and Dick picking him up quickly rushing inside the mansion.