A/N: Flashbacks are Italicized
Until today I have not been alive.
Until today I was a vessel of Mossad, a tool of someone else's hand. I gave myself willingly to this vocation. Slowly, I allowed them to carve away at me, shape me. My training brought me from the rock, chiseled me into a fierce warrior. All my sorrows were hewn away to be forgotten. They hollowed me out, took away my flushed and beating heart, and filled me with memories. Good and bad, they packed them in so tightly I thought I would shatter. Yet the dam did not break and the memories were quelled in my stone prison. There I hid Tali's death, though it remained as fresh as the day it happened.
"Ziva, just one more store! I still need to find the last pair of shoes!" Ziva sighed resignedly. Though she tried to resist, it was impossible to turn down the pouty, pleading, round face and soft, chocolate doe eyes of her younger sister.
"Fine, but I'm not coming in. I have had enough of you staring at heels today." She consented reluctantly. Tali's face transformed into a beaming smile radiating happiness.
"Thank you! You won't have to wait long. I'll be out in a moment." Ziva rolled her eyes.
"You always say that." She muttered. "I will meet you at the corner in half an hour." Nodding quickly, Tali briskly set off for the store. Her ebony bob swished about her neck and a bulging shopping bag swung around her arm. Ziva waited for her to disappear through the door frame before trotting off herself. Meandering through the crowded streets, she lazily trailed her eyes over the venders' carts. She passed innumerable stands filled with colorful, striking merchandise. Out of the corner of her eye, Ziva saw a white, fluffy tail like that of a comet arching through the sky, heralded by the sound of a shrill whistle.
There was no time to react. She turned towards the store, parted her lips to call for her sister, then the scream was shoved back down her throat. Thick petals of fire blossomed and curled in the street, concrete thorns dove through the air. The rolling shock flung Ziva backwards, skidding along the sidewalk with a hail of wreckage. Loud, dark pain pulsed through her as her skull bounced against the ground. Her eyelids fluttered spasmodically and her limbs fell limp at her sides, oblivious to the shards stabbing through them. As the dusty wave crashed past her, she struggled to pull air into her crushed lungs. Scrambling to her feet, her knees wobbled as she tried to run causing the flames to dance like ribbons in the wind before her eyes. She caught herself against a wall, regaining full grasp of her thoughts as instinct loosened its grip ever so slightly. Blinking away the haze, she hurled herself towards the store, towards the center of the explosion.
"TALI, TALI!" She screamed, popping her lungs like balloons. Her cries were frantic, fervently seeking out a reply. The path of her sprint wavered at first but the rising momentum allowed her to jet forward. "TALI, TALI!" Others surrounding shook their heads, smudged the dust on their faces. They were still off guard. "TALI, TALI!" She had reached the flaming wreckage. Throwing herself in the charred, searing ashes, she tugged at every twisted piece of destruction she could reach. "TALI, TALI!" Her sister was buried somewhere underneath here. She had to find her, she had to find her. Bruises began to roll across her arms, burns tearing light chasms in her skin. "TALI, TALI!" Strange hands snagged her, dragged her back. Why did these people want to leave her sister to die? She shoved the hands away and was promptly lifted into the air. "TALI, TALI!" It was more desperate, angry now as she thrashed in the stranger's strong grip. Someone had taken her! Why else would her sister ignore her beckoning? "TALI, TALI!" Shrieking and sobbing her name, Ziva was carried away from the bombing and pinned against the wall. She writhed, she fought, but she could not escape. Raw, pink flesh now spotted her arms and cinders were streaked across her face and hands. Crimson puddles dripped along her body. "TALI, TALI!" The screams slowly diminished, departing hoarsely in tears and faint wails as she wept. "Tali, Tali!"
I have buried it deep. For many wintry years she was the fire that fueled me. I have kept my heart beating with her memory and the thought that I may one day honor her. Mossad led me to what they said was honor. They spun silky tales of how we were the unsung heroes, the silent victors. I believed every word, for every word gave me purpose in my icy reality. I allowed them to command me. Failure would not mark my path. Tali had taught me sheer existence was enough. I would not complain, but simply submit. These deeds would bring change, these deeds would bring glory if I were to listen. The first lesson was unfaltering loyalty, unquestioning obedience: follow orders. I learned quickly, my only stumbles in my first operations. My father taught me well.
"He was still awake!" Ziva shouted in the dark purple room. Only a sliver of light trickled from a crack in the sealed windows.
"You could have crept around him!" Eli David rebuked her, his voice booming. He gazed down at his daughter, disgust clouding his eyes. Her eyes met his with strong steel, her face set in a strong expression of defiance.
"He would have seen!"
"You should have been stealthy!"
"My path was blocked!"
"You failed in your mission!"
"There was no way to complete it!" With a roar, Eli brought his fist slamming across Ziva's face. Huffing, he glared at her with pure loathing shining in his eyes. She dropped her gaze, clamping her jaw shut. Her eyes now bore holes through his chest and the metal within took on a more polished, glassy look. Grabbing her chin with his fist, he forced her to bring her eyes up. His voice dropped to a low, menacing tone. "Do not ever say that again. There is always a way. You follow orders. It does not matter how you complete them, so long as you do without any of this insolence. Do not fail again."
"I will not." It was barely a whisper. Releasing her face, he stormed out of the room. Ziva stared at the spot where he had stood in silence, motionless as a statue. "I will not."
I remembered my consequence well and was determined never to be deserving of it again. I preserved this particular memory with great care. Though I could not admit it, I feared my father. I feared what he would do with me were I to prove unworthy. If I became obsolete, useless, I would endure such wrath; it was a fate I so deeply desired to avoid, I would go to Somalia for my father. My life was his, used at his discretion. Somalia was no different. I would fulfill his wishes at any cost to evade punishment. It is what any dutiful daughter would do.
As those grimy men, covered in sweat and dust, beat me and my shouts, my moments of weakness in which I cried out, echoed through the solid gray chamber, I was shaken into awareness. I became awakened to what my life had been. It was the life of a slave. When my team rescued me from those dark, drowning wells of hopeless, they brought me a new, pink heart in exchange for the cracked, stained, indigo one Mossad had fixed in my stone cavity long ago. Suddenly, I found myself gripped by a fire, a resolve to regain my tender flesh and leave the chipped marble of my encasing behind.
I resigned from Mossad.
My father called me to speak with him. I expected no less. However, I was prepared; I had thrown up all the shields Mossad had given me in one final show of steeliness. My strength would break my chains in these parting words. Never would I bow before him again. Savoring the desert sand that swelled in the air, I reveled in Israel's glory one last time.
"Ziva," His voice perhaps held the faintest hint of remorse, but for the most part it was cold and unrelenting. Eli motioned for her to sit, and she politely refused with a raising of her chin and slight shake of her head. He did not press further. "Why have you left us, Ziva? Why have you abandoned your family?" She felt heat rise to her head as rage trickled in.
"It is not I who has abandoned." His expression did not waver. Even in this moment of divorce, he revealed no emotion.
"Who else has abandoned, my daughter?" The even tone of his voice, the bored innocence, infuriated her further.
"You. You have abandoned me and I will not wait for your return. I choose not to dwell in loneliness any longer." Her voice dropped, acid creeping in as she bared her repulsion.
"So you will crawl back to the Americans? You will leave all that you have here for a fantasy?" He matched her hatred.
"I have nothing here!" She exploded, forsaking her reserved demeanor. "You have left me nothing and I will not pretend anymore!"
"There is everything for you here and you are pitching it on the fire!" Eli rose from his seat, leaning towards his daughter in a threatening stance.
"No, there is nothing for me here!" Eli rose from his seat, leaning towards his daughter in a threatening stance.
"No, there is nothing for me here! YOU have taken it all from me!" Tears strung themselves in her outburst and the well-worn lines of a grimace appeared on Eli's face.
"I have done nothing but care for you since the moment—."
"You deserted me! I was your daughter of your flesh! I was crafted of your bone, the only drop of blood you had left to your name to flow through your stream! I was a kindred spirit, I was sharing in your life! Eyes to eyes, mind to mind, blood to blood, and you sent me to die! I am not your doll, I am not for you to cast away to rot when you are done with your play! I am not your daughter and we share no blood any longer!" Her voice pierced the walls, resonating through the building. She slammed out of the room as he slowly sunk into his chair, a barely audible 'good-bye' her last words for him.
Savoring the sweltering Israeli sun, she boarded the plane.
I severed my ties and cut myself free. I am no longer bound. Now I will seal my fate with freedom. Now I will join myself in a marriage to this land of independence.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government,"
Yes, I have found a country where I may let my soul wherever I please. It is mine and mine alone. I may pursue my life, my liberty, and my happiness. "I am the captain of my fate, I am the master of my soul." I will pledge myself to this nation.
"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."
Until today, I have not been alive. Today, I take this oath and change.
And so, I live.
The quotes are attributed as follows: The Declaration of Independence (Thomas Jefferson), Invictus (William Ernest Henley), and the Oath of Allegiance.