Hey, Deadpool here! Okay it's been a few years since the movie. Let me fill you in on everything that's happened since then. Colossus and I are sort of partners-in-crime. Something of a reluctant ally. Teenage Warhead comes along sometimes, though technically the stuff we do is not supposed to be part of her training. Then again, technically no X-man is supposed to be working with me.
I'm guessing you wanna know about the hot chick in this story.(AI: Vanessa) well I'll have you know, she's dead. "Thank you Slayback, you have RUINED MY LIFE!" my words rang out across the skyscrapers of this dump of a city. Don't say you're sorry. Seriously, %!? # don't. So yeah, a guy called Terraerton showed up with a vengeance on me and of course, he couldn't hurt me to satisfy his grudge he had to target my very few loved ones. I'm a bit p***ed off about it. That happened about two years ago.
Colossus wasn't around on that mission. Thank god.
It was bad the last time you saw me, surprise! Its still pretty bad!
Okay, to be completely honest it is better than it used to be. My kill levels are through the roof. And so is the amount of blood money I'm bringing in. I still look hideous, I still wear the bodysuit and the mask, I'm still screwing over guys just as bad or worse than me.
I currently don't have a girlfriend but I've been going on Thanos-knows-how-many dates, several one-nighters and been involved in five relationships since we last spoke. (both male and female, hahahaha)
Basically what I'm trying to say is I haven't been single in forever and it is both a good thing and a bad thing. Bad because it's exhausting and lonely, and good because I can freely go on a date or give a chick my number without worrying about what "she" will think about it.
I've been told that it's good to slow down sometimes. Whoever said that was a }*!/#ing MORON! THIS SUCKS!
SO I've basically spent a year planning to exact unsuccessful revenge on Gregory Terraerton. Piotr Rasputin (AKA Colossus for those of you who didn't know.) has said that he would stand by me in this. Probably because she joined our team. I never wanted her to join our band of psychos but if you knew her, you know that I could never stop her from doing anything.
I missed Vanessa and I tried not to think of her in the thirteen months she's been gone. It doesn't mean I don't hear her voice when I sleep. Screaming. Along with the dying sounds of my many victims.
On top of this $#!?, for the first time in my life, I have no idea where the hell I am.
It's not that he's my friend or anything (I don't have friends.) though Colossus is not necessarily someone I want to kill . . . yet. Since, you know I kind of have to kill everyone. All I'm saying is that when you spend three years spending voluntary time with someone you feel something. Yeah. Life sucks. I try really hard to not get attached to anyone, Vanessa was a . . . mistake. Her death only proved this to me. I'm a terrible person for multiple reasons, you guys know this, but one of these reasons is not breaking off the relationship I had with her before this happened. It keeps running through my head . . . "If you really cared about her you would have broke up with her. You know this happens every time."
"Shut up! Shut the &*!\# up!" I screamed to the voices in my head. Not that it would work.
In fact a girlfriend of mine just broke up with me. She was going off about "never seeing me." What's that $#!? Her name was Chico and she had pink hair and a cupcake skirt. She had like all the signs that she was NOT my type. Me however, being a desperate idiot had gone out with her anyway. She wasn't into sex and was always trying to be cute for me. I frickin' hate that. Chico wasn't the worst I've been with her and I stayed with her for a good four months. Mainly because if some enemy of mine murders her, I wouldn't care that much. Then again, she's thoroughly innocent and I can't stand when innocents are killed.
Okay so I'd avenge her.
Before Chico there was Liv, She was nice and everything but it was harmless fun. You know, just a fling and nothing more. I called it quits without even saying a word to her. She was too young for me when I got together with her I knew that for sure. A lot of my girlfriends get mad at me for wearing the mask all the time. I couldn't possibly expect them to understand. That I'm a different person than I used to be and that this mask was my face now. And, as you know it ain't pretty under here. At all.
Breaking up with the women that I actually cared about because they would die if I let them stick around has always been the hardest part of it all.
I'm never single . . . this is ridiculous. I stared around at the currently empty house and realized something . . . "I have got to get back in a relationship." I've been single for three weeks that's my limit.
My phone rang at the perfect time. (I've been told I shouldn't be left alone for too long, now I understand why.) I didn't look at who it was when I answered it. "Hi . . . I kind of overreacted . . . maybe I just needed some time and space to go over things. I know this isn't love but . . . I really like you Wade. I get it if you're over me but I've done some thinking the past few weeks. I know that you have too. We were together for four months. I know that you don't usually let them stick around for that long." Chico's tearful though slightly high-pitched voice came through at literally the perfect time in my life.
I wasn't about to break up with her when she dumped me. " . . . okay. You wanna . . . move in with me?" I have never in my life been so happy to hear the voice of a girl in a cupcake skirt. In fact . . . I have never been happy at all to hear the voice of a girl in a cupcake skirt. She instantly began squealing in excitement. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that!"
"Okay, so that's a yes?" I really didn't want to sound desperate but I was sick of being alone.
"Thanks . . ." she said.
"For what?" I scoffed.
"Taking me back even though I don't know how to be in a relationship."
I hung up the phone, and strapped two katanas to my back. I needed to kill something. real bad.