Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender isn't mine. Sadly.
...
I've fallen in love with you, what would you say if you knew?
I know you're happily married to your wife of 2 years with a baby on the way so there's no possibility of us ever being together. But it's free to dream, right?
It pains me to know that there could have been something more between us during the war but I (and you) was too blinded by rage, hurt, anguish and war. There was only room for Zuko and Katara as wartime lovers torn by starcrossed destinies and past deeds of ancestors long dead. There was no room for Fire Lord Zuko and Fire Lady Katara in the ushering of a new era. The fractured hold of the Royal Family on the people would crumble into pieces at the introduction of a foreign Fire Lady so soon after the end of the war. It needs stability. The Fire Nation needs familiar faces, Fire Natives born and bred to lead their country into the ushering of a new millennium. It needs you and Mai to revive the once untarnished glory of the Fire Nation.
Mai has everything I could never give you. Money and a good name to back her up as Fire Lady in case pro-Ozai supporters try to dethrone her. I can't give you that, my home is as ravaged by the war as yours; all I could give you is more problems. But I'd love you even if it won't be enough.
Mai is pregnant, she'll give birth any day now. You'll have a son to raise as you were raised by your mother. A child to love and care for as they grow older and become more independent. Did you know I'm barren? I've only told Sokka but maybe, he told you. Numerous internal injuries during the war and strain to my internal organs caused me to be unable to get pregnant. Well, there is a tiny chance of pregnancy but if I do manage to get pregnant, it'll be me or the baby. It's almost certain that either I or the baby will die during childbirth. I can't stand the thought of you having to make that choice. We both know that what you need most is a son, an heir to succeed you. Mai can give you what I cannot.
I told you that I'm staying in the Fire Nation in order to help the healers and to teach the younger generation what I know. Tui knows that we need more healers. I didn't tell you that I had a whole other reason to stay here - it was so that I could be close to you. To help you in whatever way I can, to advise you if you need me to. But I'm not sure how that equated into my being in Mai's birthing room, as head healer, watching the fruit of your union come into the world.
I go through the birthing process with the same clinical detachment I have with my other patients. Emotions can cause stress and stress can make even the best healer make mistakes. But when I first held your son in my arms, looking into his gold eyes, I couldn't help but think they should've been blue. It's a bittersweet feeling being the first person to hold the little Fire Prince - in another world, the Fire Prince could have been our son. I run a finger across his smooth cheek and whisper a traditional Water Tribe blessing in his ear. Tiny lips brush mine as he turns his head. I close my eyes to deter the tears.
He looks just like you Zuko but he has Mai's nose. It's strange that he hasn't yet cried out, maybe he's inherited Mai's silence. His face is all scrunched up and I can't help but smile at his adorableness. I clean him with a glove of water – he giggles – before giving him to his mother.
"Mai," I speak softly to the resting woman, mother of the babe in my arms. "Here's your son."
Mai had been on the bed, leaning on the pillows placed behind her head with her eyes closed, her face still showing the exhaustion of childbirth. She opened her eyes but her eyes didn't show her usual alertness. She looked at her son in my arms with more that the usual apathy in her gaze but she made no move to take him. The baby wriggled around, trying to find a more comfortable spot in my arms.
"He looks like Zuko," she tells me with a sort of detached wonder in her voice. I smile, "He does. Why don't you take him while I get Zuko?" Her eyes flash and instantly I figure out the double meaning in my words. My mouth opens to tell her what I mean but the baby starts crying.
"Little prince, don't cry, " I coo to the baby in my arms. Mai's gaze is intent, sharp as I turn to address her, "Why don't you breastfeed him?"
I hand over her son to her, he wails even louder. Mai twitches slightly at the noise. I look away as she breastfeeds, of course she would know how to handle a child after all, she was thirteen when Tom-tom was born.
"What will you name him?" I ask as the baby stops crying and starts sucking on Mai's breast.
"Ask Zuko, it's tradition for the father to name the firstborn. Especially now that he's Fire Lord," she tells me while nursing her firstborn. Another reason why we can never be, Zuko—our traditions are different, our cultures clash.
"I'll call Zuko, then." Mai offers no reply as I leave the room. I hesitate at the doorway, "You have a beautiful son, Mai. Cherish him." My voice was whisper-soft but I knew she heard me, I knew she was wondering what I didn't say.
The corridor is unusually empty despite it only being late afternoon but I notice Tom-tom, seven now, sitting on the floor.
"Tom-tom! What are you doing here?" I ask him. He rushes over to my side, "Miss Katara! Miss Katara! Is my sister all right? How's the baby? Is it a boy or a girl? Can I see him? Can I see the baby, Miss Katara?" He tugs on my skirt as he peers up at me.
I laugh as I crouch to be on his level, he looks so adorable even now. Remnants of baby fat on his cheeks, hair mussy, dark brown eyes sparkling with curiousity. It's a wonder how this energetic boy is Mai's brother.
"Yes, Tom. Your sister is just fine, she's feeding the little prince. You can see them later, how about you go with me to see Fire Lord Zuko?" He smiles hugely and starts tugging on my arm, "Really? I have a nephew! Yay! Let's go, Miss Katara! Let's go! I wanna tell Zuko!" I laugh, if I had a son, I wish I could have one just like Tom-tom.
With Tom-tom's hand securely in mine, we head for Zuko's office where I knew Zuko had been waiting. Surely, Iroh would have almost drowned him in calming chamomile tea to stop Zuko's impatient pacing. He would be so proud to have a son.
I knock on the metal door, only now aware of how haggard I must look. But there's nothing I can do to change that now. "Open up! Open up! We're here!" Tom-tom bangs on the door. I can't smother my giggle.
"Come in," comes Zuko's slightly muffled voice. I push the door open and see Iroh sitting near the fireplace with a Pai Sho board and a tea seat in front of him. Zuko, as expected is every inch the expectant father, pacing back and forth across the room. Zuko stopped pacing as soon as he saw me, his face nervous.
"Fire Lord Zuko," Tom-tom bowed before Zuko, I'm surprised to see how adult Tom-tom looks at that moment.
"I have a nephew, Zuko! A nephew! I'll teach him all these neat firebending tricks, I will!", Tom-tom chatters excitedly. Iroh guffaws, "Brilliant! Come here, Tom-tom and drink some tea with me!" Tom-tom lets go of my hand as he rushes over to Iroh's side.
"Katara?" Zuko looks at me expectantly, wanting confirmation. I walk to him and hug him, "Congratulations, Zuko. You have a son and he looks just like you."
Zuko's expression is of immediate delight, "I have a son! A son! Uncle, I have a son!" I have never seen Zuko happier than at this moment, my hands wrap around my stomach of their own accord. I wish I wasn't barren.
"How wonderful, Nephew! Simply fantastic! What shall you name him?" Iroh clapped his hands together, eyes sparkling.
"May we see him?" Zuko asks me. "Of course, Zuko. He is your son. He's with Mai in the birthing room," I smile.
Zuko turns to his Uncle, "Uncle, I'd like you to name him." At first, Iroh is shocked then his expression is pleased, his eyes tear up. I'm tearing up too, I can imagine how high of an honor in must be for Iroh to name Zuko's firstborn. It shows just how highly Zuko thinks of Iroh. Iroh stands up and bows respectfully before Zuko, "I'd be honored, Nephew".
"Shall we?", I stand by the doorway waiting for them to ready themselves. Tom-tom is back at my side, clutching my arm. Zuko is straightening his robes, fixing his topknot. I smile fondly as he only manages to muss up his hair more. I untangle Tom-tom's hand from mine and walk over to Zuko. "Sit down, Zuko. Let me fix your hair." I grab the comb from his hand and start running it down his black hair. It's soft. I tie his hair in a ponytail and make a bun with it, fastening the ends securely. I reach for the crown and place it into his hair. I add a few pins here and there to make sure that it won't fall off.
"There. You're good to go, Fire Lord Zuko." I pat his shoulder. He grins, "Thanks KAtara. You're a lifesaver."
"Hurry up, Miss Katara! Hurry! I wanna see the baby." Tom-tom tugged on her arm as he urged her faster.
We reached the birthing room in record time. Mai was still in bed, the little prince in her arms. He was awake and gurgling and while Mai wasn't smiling, there was a tender look in her eyes. The little prince would be loved.
"Sister, sister! Is that my nephew? That's my nephew, right?" Tom-tom poked a finger into the baby's soft cheek and giggled when the little prince tried to catch his finger.
"Mai," Zuko said, "Thank you". Mai nodded, "Do you want to hold him?" Zuko reached for the baby and held him in his arms, the little prince looked perfect in Zuko's arms.
"He's so small," Zuko said as he pressed a kiss to his son's forehead. "What do you think, Uncle?" Iroh smiles, "He looks just like you."
"And what shall we name the little prince?" I ask Iroh. His eyes twinkled, "Renkan, because he is the reason that we endured during the war. For the children to see a brighter, peace-filled future."
"What do you think, Katara?" Iroh addresses me. I smile at him, blinking back tears, "It's the perfect name."
Zuko sits on Mai's bed, "Hello, Renkan. I'm your daddy. This is your mom. That's your Uncle Tom-tom, Aunt Katara and Great-Uncle Iroh." Mai looks at them over his shoulder, "He looks just like you, Zuko. "
"Tom-tom, come. Let us leave the new parents to bond with their new son," Tom-tom walks to us, rubbing his eyes with a chubby fist. I crouch down and carry him in my arms. He's getting heavier but not heavy enough that I can't carry him. Tom-tom rests his cheek against my shoulder, "Bye-bye, Little Renkan."
"Katara! Thank you," Zuko tells me. "You're welcome, Zuko".
As Iroh, Tom-tom and I walk out of the room, Tom-tom has fallen asleep.
"They are a beautiful family," I tell Iroh.
"That they are," Iroh replies as we walk away. "You will be a wonderful mother, Katara. You would have been a wonderful Lady." I close my eyes for just a moment, what-could-have-beens rushing through my mind.
"What use is it to be a Lady when the Lord does not love the Lady?" I ask him.
Tom-tom shifts in my arms, "Dun worry, Mish K'tra, I love you".
I press a kiss to Tom-tom's forehead, "I love you too." Even if it's not the love I'm looking for, the one I'm yearning for, I'm still thankful for what I have.