Mungojerrie and the Magical Scratching Post
There once lived a poor old hideously diseased bloke who went by the name Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus, who had a son called Aladdin, but since that name is copywrited, we'll just call him Mungojerrie.
He was a careless, idle tom who would do nothing but steal valuable winter vests and chat to policemen all day long.
This so grieved Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus that he died of heart failure, but blamed it on Jerrie's ways at the funeral, and yet Jerrie would not mend his socks, because he didn't wear any, because Jerrie was a cat you stupid freak.
One day, when he was pinging off in the local libary as usual, a stranger asked him his age,and if he were not the son of Mustapha the tailor.
"I am not, sir," replied Jerrie; "but for the purpose of the story line and my own illiteracy, I shall but nod and agree."
Jerrie nodded and agreed.
On this the stranger - who was a famous and evil tabby crimelord who went by the name Macavity did I forget to mention - fell on his neck and bruised him, saying: "It's alright, it's called a hickey, everyone's got um...besides, we're family! I'm your Uncle Macavity! I just KNEEEW we were related because of your likeness to my brother. Go to your mother and tell her I am coming, and that she had better get some tissues."
Mungojerrie ran home, and told his mother - Old Deuteronomy - of his newly found uncle.
"Indeed, child," she said, "your father had a brother, but I alwaysthought he was dead...it's terrible to think we buried him alive, isn't it...poor wee soul...lying there...day after day after day...."
However, she prepared supper, and bade Jerrie seek his uncle, who came laden with a canopener and a few tubs of Whiskas. He presently fell down and kissed the place where Mustapha used to sit - his fat arse - bidding Jerrie's mother not to be surprised at not having seen him before, as he had been forty seconds out of the story.
He then turned to Jerrie, and asked him his trade, at which the tom hung his head on a nearby noose while his mother spontaneously combusted....but that's beyond the point.
On learning that Jerrie was idle and would learn no trade,he offered to take a shop for him and stock it with merchandise.
The next day he bought Jerrie a fine collar of sulpher and toxic chemicals, which was in fact no collar at all and I'm lying to you... and took him all over the city, but that sounds awfully kinky, so we'll skip to the next day, shall we?
Next day the evil crimelord led Jerrie into a small,dark and narrow alleyway, which was no bigger than something that is rather small.
They sat down by a fountain,and the evil crimelord pulled a festering and decompossing piece of human flesh, or at least some catfood from his girdle - because all evil crimelords where girdles, fishnet stockings, garters and push-up bras to keep their womanly figures, don't you know? - which he divided between them.
After their long and perilous journey through the alley,they finally came to two mountains divided by a narrow valley.
"We will go no farther," said the false uncle. "I will show you something wonderful; only don't tell your mother because she doesn't want you getting pregnant."
Then the author decided this story was getting too NC-17 and told Aladdin to build a fire instead.
Aladdin built a fire instead.
The evil crimelord threw on it a powder he had about him, at the same time saying some magical words...something like "Bibbitti-bobbitti-boo" or "Fuck you cocksucking ant lickers" Who could tell.
The earth trembled a little and opened in front of them, disclosing a square flat stone with a brass catnip toy in the middle to raise it by.
Jerrie tried to run away, but upon realising he had no legs, stopped and fell over.
"What have I done, to deserve this?" he wailed piteously, impaling his head on a nearby bloody spike ; whereupon the evil crimelord said kindly: "Fear nothing, but obey me. Beneath this stone lies a treasure which is to be yours, and no one else may touch it, but instead I want you to bring me a horrid old scratching post that's in there, because it actually posses a genie who will grant his master any wish his heart desires and I shall have great riches and beautiful queens rubbing my body all day long, and then I'm going to murder you so no one will know and then you will die...have I given away the plot?"
"Ooooh! I'm not stupi', a'right?" grinned Jerrie, stupidly. "I'm gonna get the treasure afta ya kill me, right?"
Macavity blinked. "Yes."
"WOOHOO!"
At the word supercallifragilisticachesmeallidocious, Jerrie forgot his fears, and grasped the catnip toy as he was told, saying the names of his father and grandfather.
The stone came up quite easily and some steps appeared.
"Go down," said the evil crimelord; "at the foot of those steps you will find an open door leading into three large halls. Straighten your girdle and go through them without touching anything, or you will die instantly, because the author finds it amusing to fill nearby objects with poison and nuclear weapons. These halls lead into a garden of gardens. Walk on till you come to a niche in a terrace where stands a lighted scratching post.
Pour out the oil it contains into your eyes, spit on the ground, turn around three times reciting poetry, then come back to me and we'll find the scratching post."
He drew a catnip toy from his silky womans panties and gave it to Jerrie, bidding him prosper.
Jerrie blinked a few times then turned to play with the magical scratching post he had found.
The evil crimelord cried out in a great hurry:
"Make haste and give me the magical scratching post!"
This Jerrie refused to do until he had finished playing.
The evil crimelord flew into a terrible passion,and throwing some more powder on the fire, he said something, and the stone rolled back into its place. But that was pointless because Jerrie was behind him, in plain view, not in the cave, but in fact, right there, put of the cave and not in, standing with the magical scratching post.
The evil crimelord left Persia for ever, which not only was idiotic, because they were in London, but also plainly showed that hewas no uncle of Jerrie's, but a horny evil crimelord who had seen a TV show about a wonderful scratching post, which would make him the most powerful evil crimelord in the world.
Though he alone knew where to find it (because the TV show was shown on BBC1 and no one knew or cared aboutm this channel) he could only receive it from the hand of another, because he was an idiot. He had picked out the foolish Mungojerrie for this purpose, and if you didn't figure that one out already then you must be the author.
For two days Jerrie remained in the dark, crying and lamenting.
Then, he realised he was in no danger, free as a bird, and possessed two mystical and magical cat toys that would make him the most powerful tom on earth....but Jerrie's brain was too small for such knowledge, and he instantly forgot and began to cry and lament again, in so doing rubbed the catnip toy, which the evil crimelord had forgotten to take from him.
Immediately a small and pathetic tomcat rose out of the earth, saying:
"What wouldst thou with me? I am the Slave of the catnip toy, and will obey thee in all things. Call 0800-S-L-A-V-E-F-O-R-U for more information, and we'll send you a catalogue within the next three days!"
Jerrie fearlessly replied: "Ey? ...uh....right...then...uh....deliver me outta this evil and dangerous cave..."
whereupon the genie blinked, looked around, gave Jerrie the thumbs up sign and said "Consider yourself outside."
Jerrie looked up in astonishment and he found himself outside.
"You are a genius, mate!"
As soon as his eyes could bear the light he went home, but fainted
on the threshold. When he came to himself he told his mother what had passed, and showed her the scratching post and the fruits he had gathered in the garden,which the author couldn't be nothered telling you about, but were in reality precious stones.
He then asked for some food.
"Alas! child," she said, "I have nothing in the house, but all of these fine meals fit for a king...however I have given birth to some cotton plants we can go and sell."
Jerrie bade her keep her cotton, for he would eat the scratching post instead.
Jerrie's mother looked at him doubtingly, wondering how much she could cash him in for, when a hideous white genie appeared, and demanded why Mistoffelees got to be Wishy-Washy while SHE was stuck as the hideous white genie.
The author explained it was because she was hideous and white and was then mauled to death....but she got better...
Jerrie's mother died of epilipcy, but Jerrie, scratching the scratching post, said boldly:
"Fetch me someone to eat!"
The genie pouted at him, yelled something like "I'll be in my trailer" or "I ate Rod Chailer" or "I'm a horny sailor" and huffed away, while Mistoffelees returned with a silver bar of silver, twelve silver cockroaches containing rich meats, two silver soap bars, and two bottles of puss.
Jerrie's mother, when she came to her-self, said:
"Whence comes this splendid feast?"
"Don't ask me," replied Jerrie. "I'm illiterate."
So they sat at breakfast till it was dinner-time, and when it was dinner-time the cow flew away with the dancing mucus balls of firey-flames and Jerrie told his mother about the scratching post.
She begged him to sell it, and have nothing to do with devils.
"No, you daft old cow" said Jerrie, "since chance has made us aware of its virtues, we will use it and the catnip toy likewise, which I shall always carry in your silky panties."
When they had eaten all the genie had brought, Jerrie sold one of the silver cockroaches, and so on till none were left.
He then had recourse to the genie, who gave him another set of cockroaches, and thus they lived for many years.
One day Jerrie heard an order from the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass proclaimed that everyone was to stay at home and close his shutters while his daughter, licked her arse.
Jerrie was seized by a desire to see her face, which was very difficult, because he had just poked out his eyes with red hot pokers.
He hid himself inside a large object that made it easy for him to hide inside, and peeped through a chink.
The queen looked so beautiful, and lovely, and hygenic and exactly like him that Jerrie fell in love with her at first sight.
He went home so changed that his mother was frightened. He told her he loved the queen so deeply that he could not live without her, and meant to ask her in marriage of her father, the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
His mother,on hearing this, burst out laughing, but Jerrie at last prevailed upon her to go before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass and carry his request.
She fetched her large silky womans panties and laid in it the magic fruits which the author wrote in but five seconds ago, which sparkled and shone like the most beautiful jewels, because they were beautiful jewels, and not fruit at all.
She took these with her to please the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, and set out, trusting in the scratching post.
She entered the hall and placed herself directly in front of the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass line of vision so he could quite plainly see her standing there in broad daylight underneath a giant neon sign that read "YOO-HOO! YOU SCARILY OBESE OLD FREAK WITH SPATS FOR EYES AND AN ELECTRICAL SOCKET UP YOUR ASS, YES, YOU! LOOK AT ME, OVER HERE, WHERE I AM! RIGHT HERE! LOOK! ME! HERE! YOU! LOOK!"
He, however, took no notice of her, because he had spats for eyes, and spats don't tend to be much use. She went every day for a week, and stood in the same place, because she was an idiot who couldn't understand when she was not wanted.
When the council broke up on the sixth day the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass said to Skimbleshanks, who is now a main character in this freak show I call my underwear: "I see - although...I don't know how... - a certain grotesque old man with floppy armpits and a face like a melted potato in the audience-chamber every day carrying something in a large silky pair of womans panties. Call her next time, that I may find out what she wants."
Next day, at a sign from Skimbleshanks, she went up to the foot of the over-sized top hat - for when you're a scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up your ass you can't sit on a normal sized tophat - and remained kneeling till the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass said to her:
"Rise, good woman, and tell me what you want."
She hesitated, so the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent away all but Skimbleshanks, and bade her speak freely, promising to forgive her beforehand for anything she might say, even though that was a lie, and then was planning on gobbling her up, or at least propsing marriage the second she opened her piehole.
She then told him of her son's violent love for the nameless queen (it's a plot twist you see, to keep y'all in suspense or at least the cupboard)
"I prayed him to forget her," she said, "but in vain; he threatened to do some desperate deed, like steal womens pearls out of Woolies if I refused to go and ask your Majesty for the hand of your daughter. Now I pray you to forgive not me alone, but my son Mungojerrie."
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass asked her kindly what she had in the large silky womans panties, whereupon she unfolded the jewels and presented them.
He was thunderstruck, and turning to Skimbleshanks said: "What sayest thou? Ought I not to bestow my daughter on one who has such silken underwear?"
Skimbleshanks, who wanted her for his own son, begged the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass to withhold her for three months, in the course of which he hoped his son would contrive to make him a richer present.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass granted this, because he was a gullible old twat with no mind of his own, or perhaps none at all, and told Jerrie's mother that, though he consented to the marriage, she must not appear before him again for three months.
Jerrie waited patiently for nearly three months, but after two had elapsed his mother, going into the city to prostitute herself, found everyone rejoicing, and asked what was going on.
"Do you not know," was the answer, "that the son of Skimbleshanks the railway cat is to marry the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's daughter tonight? Well...that's just the gossip anyhoo, the reason we're celebrating is because that horrid old melted potato hasn't been throwing herself at us in demand for money for two whole months!"
Breathless, she ran and told Jerrie, who was overwhelmed at first,but presently bethought him of the scratching post.
He gnawed it, and the genie appeared, saying: "What is thy will?"
Jerrie replied: "The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, as thou knowest, has broken his promise to me, and Skimbleshanks's son is to have his daughter, and now I'm pissed off! My command is that tonight you bring hither the bride and bridegroom."
"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW BOLLICLES! Makin' ME perform such outragous tasks?! A cobblepebbled radiator virus to you! I spit in your ear and dance on your hamster. ...I mean...right away, master..." said the genie.
Jerrie then went to his chamber, where, sure enough at midnight the genie transported the bed containing Skimbleshanks's son and the beautiful queen, getting up to mischeif beneath the covers.
"Take this new-married man," he said, "and put him outside in the cold, and play snakes and ladders with him, and return at daybreak."
Whereupon the genie took Skimbleshanks's son out of bed, leaving Jerrie with the queen.
"Fear nothing," Jerrie said to her; "you are my wife, promised to me by your unjust father, and no harm shall come to you."
The queen was unconcious at the time, and knew nothing of this, but soon awoke when Jerrie raped her up the arse several times, and she passed the most miserable night of her life, while Jerrie lay down beside her and slept soundly.
At the appointed hour the genie fetched in the shivering bridegroom, laid him in his place, because even Genies have needs and desires too you know, and transported the bed back to the palace.
Presently the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass came to wish his daughter good-morning.
Skimbleshanks unhappy son jumped up and hid himself, while the queen would not say a word, and was very sorrowful.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent her mother to her, who said: "How comes it, child, that you will not speak to your father? What has happened?"
The queen sighed deeply, and at last told her fairycakers-bakers oven how,during the night, the bed had been carried into some strange house,and what had passed there. Her fairycakers-bakers oven did not believe her in the least, but bade her rise and consider it an idle dream.
The following night exactly the same thing happened, and next morning, on the queen's refusing to sit, the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass threatened to give her head. She then confessed all, bidding him ask Skimbleshanks's son if it were not so.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass told Skimbleshanks to ask his son, who owned the truth, adding that, dearly as he loved the queen, he had rather die than go through another such fearful night with the genie hitting on him in such a gay and outrageous manner (now he was carrying the genies children) and wished to be separated from her.
His wish was granted, and there was an end of feasting and rejoicing.
When the three months were over, Jerrie sent his mother to remind the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass of his promise.
She stood in the same place as before, and the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who had forgotten Jerrie, at once remembered him, and sent for her.
On seeing her melted potato-like-features the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass felt less inclined than ever to taker her on the spot, never mind keep his word, and asked Skimbleshanks's advice, who counselled him to set so high a value on the queen that no man living could come up to it.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass then turned to Jerrie's mother, saying: "Good woman,
a scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass must remember his promises, and I will remember mine, but your son must first send me...a pie...tell him that I await his answer."
Skimbleshanks sighed "Gonnae naw be such an idiot..."
The mother of Jerrie bowed low and went home, thinking all was lost.
She gave Jerrie the message, adding: "He may wait long enough for your answer!"
"Not so long, mother, as you think," her son replied "I woulddo a great deal more than that for the queen."
He summoned the genie, and in a few moments, he was humming away, stuffing four-and-twenty unlucky blackbirds into an oven.
The pie soon flew to the palace, and kneeled before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, while Jerrie's mother presented it to the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
He hesitated no longer, but said: "Good woman, return and tell your son that I wait for him with open jaws."
She lost no time in telling Jerrie, bidding him make haste.
When the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass saw him he came down from his oversized tophat, tasted him delicately, and led him into a hall where a feast was spread, intending to marry him to the queen that very day.
But Jerrie refused, saying, "I must build a palace fit for her," and took his leave.
Once home he said to the genie: "Build me a palace of the finest marble, set with jasper, agate, and other precious stones. In the middle you shall build me a large hall with a dome, its four walls of massy gold and silver, each side having six windows, whose lattices must be set with diamonds and rubies. There must be stables and horses and grooms and slaves...but...what for the princess...."
The palace was finished by next day, and the genie carried him there and showed him all his orders faithfully carried out, even to the laying of a velvet carpet from Jerrie's palace to the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent musicians with trumpets and cymbals to meet them, so that the air resounded with music and cheers.
At night the queen said good-bye to her father, and was dragged kicking and screaming along the carpet, towards Jerrie's palace. She was glared at him and would not speak.
"Ma BEEE-UUU-TTT-I-FOOOOL queen," he said, "blame your beauty for my boldness if I have displeased you."
"Jerrie...I'm your sister..." she said, pointedly.
"But Teeeeeaaaazzzzeeeer..we NEED a Jasmine!"
"Oh...alright then..." and she leapt into his arms and they had mad piggy sex until the cows came home.
After the wedding had taken place Jerrie led her into the hall, where a feast was spread, and she supped with him, after which they attepmted to dance till midnight, but cats cannot dance and so they failed miserably and were put to immediate death.
Jerrie and Teazer stole the hearts, vests and valuables of the people with their gentle bearing.
Jerrie was made captain of the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's armies, and won several battles for him, or at least lied and said he did.
But far away in Africa, several small Ethiopian children were being helped to build new wells and grow food for their communities via the red cross...but that has nothing to do with anything, it was merely a sweet distraction so that the next paragraph will seem scary and disturbing to you...
Big fat luminously toxic and crusted crotchless panties smell very much like your face, or perhaps mine...
Wait...wrong dramatic sentence...no...no...here it is!
Far away in a dark lair somewhere in London or perhaps buried in your left nostril, Macavity, the evil crimelord still remembered Jerrie, and by his magic arts discovered that Jerrie, instead of perishing miserably in the cave, he hadn't put him in, or in fact hadn't gone near, had escaped somehow, and had married his sister Rumpleteazer, with whom he was living in great honour and wealth.
He knew that the Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus who died of heart failure's son could only have accomplished this by means of the scratching post, and travelled night and day till he reached the capital of China, from where he got directions, and felt very silly upon realising those giant palaces were next door the whole time.
He became determined to get hold of the scratching post, and again plunge Jerrie into the deepest poverty.
By complete coincidence, and through no fault of the authors, Jerrie had gone a-mousing for eight days, which gave the evil crimelord plenty of time.
He bought a dozen non-magical scratching posts, put them into a basket, and went to the palace, crying: "New posts for old!" followed by a jeering crowd.
Teazer, who was an idiot, bade a slave to take the scratching post under the giant sign "DON'T GIVE THE MAGICAL SCRATCHING POST CONTAINING THE MAGICAL GENIE WHO GRANTS MY EVERY WISH TO THE EVIL CRIMELORD FOR HE WILL SURELY USE IT TO TAKE AWAY TEAZER AND THE ENITRE PALACE AND THEN I'LL BE IN TROUBLE!" For you see, Jerrie really was illiterate...
The crimelord hobbled away with the magical scrathing post, laughing the trademark evil crimelord laugh, until he reached his dark alleyway, when he pulled out the scratching post and rubbed it.
The genie appeared, and at the evil crimelord's command carried him, together with the palace and the queen in it, to the back of the alleyway.
Next morning the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass looked out of the window towards Jerrie'spalace and rubbed his spats, for it was gone. And even though everyone else could quite blantly see it in the alleyway right beside the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's palace, they all just humoured him.
Skimbleshanks nodded his head slowly and put it down to enchantment and the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass believed him, and sent for Jerrie to be brought to him in chains.
The people, however, who loved his naughty child-like ways, not to mention hot ass, followed, armed, to see that he came to no harm.
He was carried before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who ordered Jellylorum to smack his bottom and call him a naughty boy. Jellylorum made a creamy mess at the thought, and told Jerrie to kneel down, bandaged his eyes, and raised his scimitar to strike.
At that instant Skimbleshanks, who saw that the crowd had forced their way into the courtyard and were scaling the walls to rescue Jerrie, called to Jellylorum to stay her hand.
The people, indeed, looked so threatening that the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass gave way and ordered Jerrie to be unbound, and pardoned him in the sight of the crowd.
Jerrie now begged to know what he had done.
"False wretch!" said the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, "come hither," and showed him from the window the place where his palace had stood, and in fact now stood one palace along.
"Where is my palace and my daughter?" demanded the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
"For the first I am not so deeply concerned, but my daughter I must have, and you must find her or be spanked."
Jerrie looked to Skimble for help, and he handed him some handy idiot boards prepared for such an occassion.
Jerrie begged for forty days in which to find her, promising if he failed to return and suffer death at the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's pleasure. His prayer was granted, and he went forth sadly from the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's presence.
He strolled cheerfully over to the palace, then was struck down to the ground several times in succession, for the author found this pastime most amusing.
He was awakened by the singing of the birds, and his heart was lighter.
He saw plainly that all his misfortunes were owing to the loss of the scratching post, and vainly wondered who had robbed him of it.
That morning Teazer rose earlier than she had done since she had been carried next door by the evil crimelord, whose company she was forced to endure once a day.
She, however, treated him so harshly that he dared not live there altogether. As she was dressing, one of her queens looked out and saw Jerrie. Teazer ran and opened the window, and at the noise she made Jerrie look up.
She called to him to come to her, and great was the joy of these lovers at seeing each other again.
After he had kissed her Jerrie said: "I beg of you, Teazer, in Heavisides name, before we speak of anything else, for your own sake and mine, tell me what has become of an old scratching post I left under the sign that clearly stated not to give to Macavity?"
"Alas!" she yelled, smacking him across the head. "You godforsaken illiteracy is the cause of our sorrows,"
"Now I know," cried Jerrie, "that we have to thank my idiocy for this! Where is the scratching post?"
"He carries it about with him. I know, for he pulled it out of his girdle to show me... did you know he wears a girdle? He wishes me to break my faith with you and marry him, saying that you were neautered by my father's command. He is for ever speaking ill of you, but I only reply by scrathing his eyes out and dancing on his grave. If I persist, I doubt not that he will use violence."
Jerrie comforted her, and left her for a while. He changed collars, and having bought a certain lethal, deadly, fatal and rather unpleasant powder returned to the queen, who let him in by a little side door.
"Groom your fur" he said to her, "and receive the evil crimelord with smiles, leading him to believe that you have forgotten me. Invite him to sup with you, and say you wish to try the catnip of his alleyway. He will go for some,and while he is gone I will tell you what to do."
She looked at Jerrie, called him an idiot, danced around a flaming pyre quite nude, and when he left her arrayed herself gaily.
She put on a collar of diamonds, and seeing in a glass that she looked more and more like Jerrie each day, wept for several small eternities and attempted immediate suicide...then..received the evil crimelord, saying to his great amazement: "Look you sad freak-like-device. If I haveta look at your 'orrid mug, then I might as well be doped up so I can convince myself you is someone 'andsome like The Rum Tum Tugger, so go get me all yer catnip or I'll 'ave ta trample ya ta death again."
The evil crimelord flew to his cellar, and the queen put the powder Jerrie had given her directly in his bloodstream. Macavity blinked a few times, and was about to ask her what all those syringes were doing in his flesh and why he hadn't noticed sooner, but instead he fell down quite lifeless.
Teazer then opened the door to Jerrie, and flung her arms round his neck, but Jerrie put her away, bidding her to leave him, as he had more to do. So she kicked him in, assuming her was cheating on her with that Genie he was always with and ran to find more poison, while he went to the dead evil crimelord, took the scratching post out of his girdle, and bade the genie carry the palace and all in it next door.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who was sitting in his closet, mourning for his lost daughter, happened to look up, and rubbed his spats, for there stood the palace as before! He rolled thither, and Jerrie stood and waved with Teazer poisoning his shins. Jerrie told him what had happened,and showed him the dead body of the evil crimelord, that he might believe.
A ten days' feast was proclaimed, and it seemed as if Jerrie might now live the rest of his life in peace; but it was not to be.
Macavity, the evil crimelord had a younger brother, who was, if possible, more wicked and more cunning than himself, but it wasn't possible, in fact, it was quite impossible, so forget I mentioned it.
And they all lived happily ever after. Apart from Jerrie who died of poison.
There once lived a poor old hideously diseased bloke who went by the name Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus, who had a son called Aladdin, but since that name is copywrited, we'll just call him Mungojerrie.
He was a careless, idle tom who would do nothing but steal valuable winter vests and chat to policemen all day long.
This so grieved Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus that he died of heart failure, but blamed it on Jerrie's ways at the funeral, and yet Jerrie would not mend his socks, because he didn't wear any, because Jerrie was a cat you stupid freak.
One day, when he was pinging off in the local libary as usual, a stranger asked him his age,and if he were not the son of Mustapha the tailor.
"I am not, sir," replied Jerrie; "but for the purpose of the story line and my own illiteracy, I shall but nod and agree."
Jerrie nodded and agreed.
On this the stranger - who was a famous and evil tabby crimelord who went by the name Macavity did I forget to mention - fell on his neck and bruised him, saying: "It's alright, it's called a hickey, everyone's got um...besides, we're family! I'm your Uncle Macavity! I just KNEEEW we were related because of your likeness to my brother. Go to your mother and tell her I am coming, and that she had better get some tissues."
Mungojerrie ran home, and told his mother - Old Deuteronomy - of his newly found uncle.
"Indeed, child," she said, "your father had a brother, but I alwaysthought he was dead...it's terrible to think we buried him alive, isn't it...poor wee soul...lying there...day after day after day...."
However, she prepared supper, and bade Jerrie seek his uncle, who came laden with a canopener and a few tubs of Whiskas. He presently fell down and kissed the place where Mustapha used to sit - his fat arse - bidding Jerrie's mother not to be surprised at not having seen him before, as he had been forty seconds out of the story.
He then turned to Jerrie, and asked him his trade, at which the tom hung his head on a nearby noose while his mother spontaneously combusted....but that's beyond the point.
On learning that Jerrie was idle and would learn no trade,he offered to take a shop for him and stock it with merchandise.
The next day he bought Jerrie a fine collar of sulpher and toxic chemicals, which was in fact no collar at all and I'm lying to you... and took him all over the city, but that sounds awfully kinky, so we'll skip to the next day, shall we?
Next day the evil crimelord led Jerrie into a small,dark and narrow alleyway, which was no bigger than something that is rather small.
They sat down by a fountain,and the evil crimelord pulled a festering and decompossing piece of human flesh, or at least some catfood from his girdle - because all evil crimelords where girdles, fishnet stockings, garters and push-up bras to keep their womanly figures, don't you know? - which he divided between them.
After their long and perilous journey through the alley,they finally came to two mountains divided by a narrow valley.
"We will go no farther," said the false uncle. "I will show you something wonderful; only don't tell your mother because she doesn't want you getting pregnant."
Then the author decided this story was getting too NC-17 and told Aladdin to build a fire instead.
Aladdin built a fire instead.
The evil crimelord threw on it a powder he had about him, at the same time saying some magical words...something like "Bibbitti-bobbitti-boo" or "Fuck you cocksucking ant lickers" Who could tell.
The earth trembled a little and opened in front of them, disclosing a square flat stone with a brass catnip toy in the middle to raise it by.
Jerrie tried to run away, but upon realising he had no legs, stopped and fell over.
"What have I done, to deserve this?" he wailed piteously, impaling his head on a nearby bloody spike ; whereupon the evil crimelord said kindly: "Fear nothing, but obey me. Beneath this stone lies a treasure which is to be yours, and no one else may touch it, but instead I want you to bring me a horrid old scratching post that's in there, because it actually posses a genie who will grant his master any wish his heart desires and I shall have great riches and beautiful queens rubbing my body all day long, and then I'm going to murder you so no one will know and then you will die...have I given away the plot?"
"Ooooh! I'm not stupi', a'right?" grinned Jerrie, stupidly. "I'm gonna get the treasure afta ya kill me, right?"
Macavity blinked. "Yes."
"WOOHOO!"
At the word supercallifragilisticachesmeallidocious, Jerrie forgot his fears, and grasped the catnip toy as he was told, saying the names of his father and grandfather.
The stone came up quite easily and some steps appeared.
"Go down," said the evil crimelord; "at the foot of those steps you will find an open door leading into three large halls. Straighten your girdle and go through them without touching anything, or you will die instantly, because the author finds it amusing to fill nearby objects with poison and nuclear weapons. These halls lead into a garden of gardens. Walk on till you come to a niche in a terrace where stands a lighted scratching post.
Pour out the oil it contains into your eyes, spit on the ground, turn around three times reciting poetry, then come back to me and we'll find the scratching post."
He drew a catnip toy from his silky womans panties and gave it to Jerrie, bidding him prosper.
Jerrie blinked a few times then turned to play with the magical scratching post he had found.
The evil crimelord cried out in a great hurry:
"Make haste and give me the magical scratching post!"
This Jerrie refused to do until he had finished playing.
The evil crimelord flew into a terrible passion,and throwing some more powder on the fire, he said something, and the stone rolled back into its place. But that was pointless because Jerrie was behind him, in plain view, not in the cave, but in fact, right there, put of the cave and not in, standing with the magical scratching post.
The evil crimelord left Persia for ever, which not only was idiotic, because they were in London, but also plainly showed that hewas no uncle of Jerrie's, but a horny evil crimelord who had seen a TV show about a wonderful scratching post, which would make him the most powerful evil crimelord in the world.
Though he alone knew where to find it (because the TV show was shown on BBC1 and no one knew or cared aboutm this channel) he could only receive it from the hand of another, because he was an idiot. He had picked out the foolish Mungojerrie for this purpose, and if you didn't figure that one out already then you must be the author.
For two days Jerrie remained in the dark, crying and lamenting.
Then, he realised he was in no danger, free as a bird, and possessed two mystical and magical cat toys that would make him the most powerful tom on earth....but Jerrie's brain was too small for such knowledge, and he instantly forgot and began to cry and lament again, in so doing rubbed the catnip toy, which the evil crimelord had forgotten to take from him.
Immediately a small and pathetic tomcat rose out of the earth, saying:
"What wouldst thou with me? I am the Slave of the catnip toy, and will obey thee in all things. Call 0800-S-L-A-V-E-F-O-R-U for more information, and we'll send you a catalogue within the next three days!"
Jerrie fearlessly replied: "Ey? ...uh....right...then...uh....deliver me outta this evil and dangerous cave..."
whereupon the genie blinked, looked around, gave Jerrie the thumbs up sign and said "Consider yourself outside."
Jerrie looked up in astonishment and he found himself outside.
"You are a genius, mate!"
As soon as his eyes could bear the light he went home, but fainted
on the threshold. When he came to himself he told his mother what had passed, and showed her the scratching post and the fruits he had gathered in the garden,which the author couldn't be nothered telling you about, but were in reality precious stones.
He then asked for some food.
"Alas! child," she said, "I have nothing in the house, but all of these fine meals fit for a king...however I have given birth to some cotton plants we can go and sell."
Jerrie bade her keep her cotton, for he would eat the scratching post instead.
Jerrie's mother looked at him doubtingly, wondering how much she could cash him in for, when a hideous white genie appeared, and demanded why Mistoffelees got to be Wishy-Washy while SHE was stuck as the hideous white genie.
The author explained it was because she was hideous and white and was then mauled to death....but she got better...
Jerrie's mother died of epilipcy, but Jerrie, scratching the scratching post, said boldly:
"Fetch me someone to eat!"
The genie pouted at him, yelled something like "I'll be in my trailer" or "I ate Rod Chailer" or "I'm a horny sailor" and huffed away, while Mistoffelees returned with a silver bar of silver, twelve silver cockroaches containing rich meats, two silver soap bars, and two bottles of puss.
Jerrie's mother, when she came to her-self, said:
"Whence comes this splendid feast?"
"Don't ask me," replied Jerrie. "I'm illiterate."
So they sat at breakfast till it was dinner-time, and when it was dinner-time the cow flew away with the dancing mucus balls of firey-flames and Jerrie told his mother about the scratching post.
She begged him to sell it, and have nothing to do with devils.
"No, you daft old cow" said Jerrie, "since chance has made us aware of its virtues, we will use it and the catnip toy likewise, which I shall always carry in your silky panties."
When they had eaten all the genie had brought, Jerrie sold one of the silver cockroaches, and so on till none were left.
He then had recourse to the genie, who gave him another set of cockroaches, and thus they lived for many years.
One day Jerrie heard an order from the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass proclaimed that everyone was to stay at home and close his shutters while his daughter, licked her arse.
Jerrie was seized by a desire to see her face, which was very difficult, because he had just poked out his eyes with red hot pokers.
He hid himself inside a large object that made it easy for him to hide inside, and peeped through a chink.
The queen looked so beautiful, and lovely, and hygenic and exactly like him that Jerrie fell in love with her at first sight.
He went home so changed that his mother was frightened. He told her he loved the queen so deeply that he could not live without her, and meant to ask her in marriage of her father, the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
His mother,on hearing this, burst out laughing, but Jerrie at last prevailed upon her to go before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass and carry his request.
She fetched her large silky womans panties and laid in it the magic fruits which the author wrote in but five seconds ago, which sparkled and shone like the most beautiful jewels, because they were beautiful jewels, and not fruit at all.
She took these with her to please the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, and set out, trusting in the scratching post.
She entered the hall and placed herself directly in front of the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass line of vision so he could quite plainly see her standing there in broad daylight underneath a giant neon sign that read "YOO-HOO! YOU SCARILY OBESE OLD FREAK WITH SPATS FOR EYES AND AN ELECTRICAL SOCKET UP YOUR ASS, YES, YOU! LOOK AT ME, OVER HERE, WHERE I AM! RIGHT HERE! LOOK! ME! HERE! YOU! LOOK!"
He, however, took no notice of her, because he had spats for eyes, and spats don't tend to be much use. She went every day for a week, and stood in the same place, because she was an idiot who couldn't understand when she was not wanted.
When the council broke up on the sixth day the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass said to Skimbleshanks, who is now a main character in this freak show I call my underwear: "I see - although...I don't know how... - a certain grotesque old man with floppy armpits and a face like a melted potato in the audience-chamber every day carrying something in a large silky pair of womans panties. Call her next time, that I may find out what she wants."
Next day, at a sign from Skimbleshanks, she went up to the foot of the over-sized top hat - for when you're a scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up your ass you can't sit on a normal sized tophat - and remained kneeling till the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass said to her:
"Rise, good woman, and tell me what you want."
She hesitated, so the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent away all but Skimbleshanks, and bade her speak freely, promising to forgive her beforehand for anything she might say, even though that was a lie, and then was planning on gobbling her up, or at least propsing marriage the second she opened her piehole.
She then told him of her son's violent love for the nameless queen (it's a plot twist you see, to keep y'all in suspense or at least the cupboard)
"I prayed him to forget her," she said, "but in vain; he threatened to do some desperate deed, like steal womens pearls out of Woolies if I refused to go and ask your Majesty for the hand of your daughter. Now I pray you to forgive not me alone, but my son Mungojerrie."
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass asked her kindly what she had in the large silky womans panties, whereupon she unfolded the jewels and presented them.
He was thunderstruck, and turning to Skimbleshanks said: "What sayest thou? Ought I not to bestow my daughter on one who has such silken underwear?"
Skimbleshanks, who wanted her for his own son, begged the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass to withhold her for three months, in the course of which he hoped his son would contrive to make him a richer present.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass granted this, because he was a gullible old twat with no mind of his own, or perhaps none at all, and told Jerrie's mother that, though he consented to the marriage, she must not appear before him again for three months.
Jerrie waited patiently for nearly three months, but after two had elapsed his mother, going into the city to prostitute herself, found everyone rejoicing, and asked what was going on.
"Do you not know," was the answer, "that the son of Skimbleshanks the railway cat is to marry the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's daughter tonight? Well...that's just the gossip anyhoo, the reason we're celebrating is because that horrid old melted potato hasn't been throwing herself at us in demand for money for two whole months!"
Breathless, she ran and told Jerrie, who was overwhelmed at first,but presently bethought him of the scratching post.
He gnawed it, and the genie appeared, saying: "What is thy will?"
Jerrie replied: "The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, as thou knowest, has broken his promise to me, and Skimbleshanks's son is to have his daughter, and now I'm pissed off! My command is that tonight you bring hither the bride and bridegroom."
"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW BOLLICLES! Makin' ME perform such outragous tasks?! A cobblepebbled radiator virus to you! I spit in your ear and dance on your hamster. ...I mean...right away, master..." said the genie.
Jerrie then went to his chamber, where, sure enough at midnight the genie transported the bed containing Skimbleshanks's son and the beautiful queen, getting up to mischeif beneath the covers.
"Take this new-married man," he said, "and put him outside in the cold, and play snakes and ladders with him, and return at daybreak."
Whereupon the genie took Skimbleshanks's son out of bed, leaving Jerrie with the queen.
"Fear nothing," Jerrie said to her; "you are my wife, promised to me by your unjust father, and no harm shall come to you."
The queen was unconcious at the time, and knew nothing of this, but soon awoke when Jerrie raped her up the arse several times, and she passed the most miserable night of her life, while Jerrie lay down beside her and slept soundly.
At the appointed hour the genie fetched in the shivering bridegroom, laid him in his place, because even Genies have needs and desires too you know, and transported the bed back to the palace.
Presently the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass came to wish his daughter good-morning.
Skimbleshanks unhappy son jumped up and hid himself, while the queen would not say a word, and was very sorrowful.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent her mother to her, who said: "How comes it, child, that you will not speak to your father? What has happened?"
The queen sighed deeply, and at last told her fairycakers-bakers oven how,during the night, the bed had been carried into some strange house,and what had passed there. Her fairycakers-bakers oven did not believe her in the least, but bade her rise and consider it an idle dream.
The following night exactly the same thing happened, and next morning, on the queen's refusing to sit, the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass threatened to give her head. She then confessed all, bidding him ask Skimbleshanks's son if it were not so.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass told Skimbleshanks to ask his son, who owned the truth, adding that, dearly as he loved the queen, he had rather die than go through another such fearful night with the genie hitting on him in such a gay and outrageous manner (now he was carrying the genies children) and wished to be separated from her.
His wish was granted, and there was an end of feasting and rejoicing.
When the three months were over, Jerrie sent his mother to remind the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass of his promise.
She stood in the same place as before, and the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who had forgotten Jerrie, at once remembered him, and sent for her.
On seeing her melted potato-like-features the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass felt less inclined than ever to taker her on the spot, never mind keep his word, and asked Skimbleshanks's advice, who counselled him to set so high a value on the queen that no man living could come up to it.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass then turned to Jerrie's mother, saying: "Good woman,
a scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass must remember his promises, and I will remember mine, but your son must first send me...a pie...tell him that I await his answer."
Skimbleshanks sighed "Gonnae naw be such an idiot..."
The mother of Jerrie bowed low and went home, thinking all was lost.
She gave Jerrie the message, adding: "He may wait long enough for your answer!"
"Not so long, mother, as you think," her son replied "I woulddo a great deal more than that for the queen."
He summoned the genie, and in a few moments, he was humming away, stuffing four-and-twenty unlucky blackbirds into an oven.
The pie soon flew to the palace, and kneeled before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, while Jerrie's mother presented it to the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
He hesitated no longer, but said: "Good woman, return and tell your son that I wait for him with open jaws."
She lost no time in telling Jerrie, bidding him make haste.
When the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass saw him he came down from his oversized tophat, tasted him delicately, and led him into a hall where a feast was spread, intending to marry him to the queen that very day.
But Jerrie refused, saying, "I must build a palace fit for her," and took his leave.
Once home he said to the genie: "Build me a palace of the finest marble, set with jasper, agate, and other precious stones. In the middle you shall build me a large hall with a dome, its four walls of massy gold and silver, each side having six windows, whose lattices must be set with diamonds and rubies. There must be stables and horses and grooms and slaves...but...what for the princess...."
The palace was finished by next day, and the genie carried him there and showed him all his orders faithfully carried out, even to the laying of a velvet carpet from Jerrie's palace to the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass sent musicians with trumpets and cymbals to meet them, so that the air resounded with music and cheers.
At night the queen said good-bye to her father, and was dragged kicking and screaming along the carpet, towards Jerrie's palace. She was glared at him and would not speak.
"Ma BEEE-UUU-TTT-I-FOOOOL queen," he said, "blame your beauty for my boldness if I have displeased you."
"Jerrie...I'm your sister..." she said, pointedly.
"But Teeeeeaaaazzzzeeeer..we NEED a Jasmine!"
"Oh...alright then..." and she leapt into his arms and they had mad piggy sex until the cows came home.
After the wedding had taken place Jerrie led her into the hall, where a feast was spread, and she supped with him, after which they attepmted to dance till midnight, but cats cannot dance and so they failed miserably and were put to immediate death.
Jerrie and Teazer stole the hearts, vests and valuables of the people with their gentle bearing.
Jerrie was made captain of the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's armies, and won several battles for him, or at least lied and said he did.
But far away in Africa, several small Ethiopian children were being helped to build new wells and grow food for their communities via the red cross...but that has nothing to do with anything, it was merely a sweet distraction so that the next paragraph will seem scary and disturbing to you...
Big fat luminously toxic and crusted crotchless panties smell very much like your face, or perhaps mine...
Wait...wrong dramatic sentence...no...no...here it is!
Far away in a dark lair somewhere in London or perhaps buried in your left nostril, Macavity, the evil crimelord still remembered Jerrie, and by his magic arts discovered that Jerrie, instead of perishing miserably in the cave, he hadn't put him in, or in fact hadn't gone near, had escaped somehow, and had married his sister Rumpleteazer, with whom he was living in great honour and wealth.
He knew that the Poor Old Hideously Diseased Gus who died of heart failure's son could only have accomplished this by means of the scratching post, and travelled night and day till he reached the capital of China, from where he got directions, and felt very silly upon realising those giant palaces were next door the whole time.
He became determined to get hold of the scratching post, and again plunge Jerrie into the deepest poverty.
By complete coincidence, and through no fault of the authors, Jerrie had gone a-mousing for eight days, which gave the evil crimelord plenty of time.
He bought a dozen non-magical scratching posts, put them into a basket, and went to the palace, crying: "New posts for old!" followed by a jeering crowd.
Teazer, who was an idiot, bade a slave to take the scratching post under the giant sign "DON'T GIVE THE MAGICAL SCRATCHING POST CONTAINING THE MAGICAL GENIE WHO GRANTS MY EVERY WISH TO THE EVIL CRIMELORD FOR HE WILL SURELY USE IT TO TAKE AWAY TEAZER AND THE ENITRE PALACE AND THEN I'LL BE IN TROUBLE!" For you see, Jerrie really was illiterate...
The crimelord hobbled away with the magical scrathing post, laughing the trademark evil crimelord laugh, until he reached his dark alleyway, when he pulled out the scratching post and rubbed it.
The genie appeared, and at the evil crimelord's command carried him, together with the palace and the queen in it, to the back of the alleyway.
Next morning the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass looked out of the window towards Jerrie'spalace and rubbed his spats, for it was gone. And even though everyone else could quite blantly see it in the alleyway right beside the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's palace, they all just humoured him.
Skimbleshanks nodded his head slowly and put it down to enchantment and the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass believed him, and sent for Jerrie to be brought to him in chains.
The people, however, who loved his naughty child-like ways, not to mention hot ass, followed, armed, to see that he came to no harm.
He was carried before the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who ordered Jellylorum to smack his bottom and call him a naughty boy. Jellylorum made a creamy mess at the thought, and told Jerrie to kneel down, bandaged his eyes, and raised his scimitar to strike.
At that instant Skimbleshanks, who saw that the crowd had forced their way into the courtyard and were scaling the walls to rescue Jerrie, called to Jellylorum to stay her hand.
The people, indeed, looked so threatening that the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass gave way and ordered Jerrie to be unbound, and pardoned him in the sight of the crowd.
Jerrie now begged to know what he had done.
"False wretch!" said the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, "come hither," and showed him from the window the place where his palace had stood, and in fact now stood one palace along.
"Where is my palace and my daughter?" demanded the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass.
"For the first I am not so deeply concerned, but my daughter I must have, and you must find her or be spanked."
Jerrie looked to Skimble for help, and he handed him some handy idiot boards prepared for such an occassion.
Jerrie begged for forty days in which to find her, promising if he failed to return and suffer death at the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's pleasure. His prayer was granted, and he went forth sadly from the scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass's presence.
He strolled cheerfully over to the palace, then was struck down to the ground several times in succession, for the author found this pastime most amusing.
He was awakened by the singing of the birds, and his heart was lighter.
He saw plainly that all his misfortunes were owing to the loss of the scratching post, and vainly wondered who had robbed him of it.
That morning Teazer rose earlier than she had done since she had been carried next door by the evil crimelord, whose company she was forced to endure once a day.
She, however, treated him so harshly that he dared not live there altogether. As she was dressing, one of her queens looked out and saw Jerrie. Teazer ran and opened the window, and at the noise she made Jerrie look up.
She called to him to come to her, and great was the joy of these lovers at seeing each other again.
After he had kissed her Jerrie said: "I beg of you, Teazer, in Heavisides name, before we speak of anything else, for your own sake and mine, tell me what has become of an old scratching post I left under the sign that clearly stated not to give to Macavity?"
"Alas!" she yelled, smacking him across the head. "You godforsaken illiteracy is the cause of our sorrows,"
"Now I know," cried Jerrie, "that we have to thank my idiocy for this! Where is the scratching post?"
"He carries it about with him. I know, for he pulled it out of his girdle to show me... did you know he wears a girdle? He wishes me to break my faith with you and marry him, saying that you were neautered by my father's command. He is for ever speaking ill of you, but I only reply by scrathing his eyes out and dancing on his grave. If I persist, I doubt not that he will use violence."
Jerrie comforted her, and left her for a while. He changed collars, and having bought a certain lethal, deadly, fatal and rather unpleasant powder returned to the queen, who let him in by a little side door.
"Groom your fur" he said to her, "and receive the evil crimelord with smiles, leading him to believe that you have forgotten me. Invite him to sup with you, and say you wish to try the catnip of his alleyway. He will go for some,and while he is gone I will tell you what to do."
She looked at Jerrie, called him an idiot, danced around a flaming pyre quite nude, and when he left her arrayed herself gaily.
She put on a collar of diamonds, and seeing in a glass that she looked more and more like Jerrie each day, wept for several small eternities and attempted immediate suicide...then..received the evil crimelord, saying to his great amazement: "Look you sad freak-like-device. If I haveta look at your 'orrid mug, then I might as well be doped up so I can convince myself you is someone 'andsome like The Rum Tum Tugger, so go get me all yer catnip or I'll 'ave ta trample ya ta death again."
The evil crimelord flew to his cellar, and the queen put the powder Jerrie had given her directly in his bloodstream. Macavity blinked a few times, and was about to ask her what all those syringes were doing in his flesh and why he hadn't noticed sooner, but instead he fell down quite lifeless.
Teazer then opened the door to Jerrie, and flung her arms round his neck, but Jerrie put her away, bidding her to leave him, as he had more to do. So she kicked him in, assuming her was cheating on her with that Genie he was always with and ran to find more poison, while he went to the dead evil crimelord, took the scratching post out of his girdle, and bade the genie carry the palace and all in it next door.
The scarily obese old freak with spats for eyes and an eletrical socket up his ass, who was sitting in his closet, mourning for his lost daughter, happened to look up, and rubbed his spats, for there stood the palace as before! He rolled thither, and Jerrie stood and waved with Teazer poisoning his shins. Jerrie told him what had happened,and showed him the dead body of the evil crimelord, that he might believe.
A ten days' feast was proclaimed, and it seemed as if Jerrie might now live the rest of his life in peace; but it was not to be.
Macavity, the evil crimelord had a younger brother, who was, if possible, more wicked and more cunning than himself, but it wasn't possible, in fact, it was quite impossible, so forget I mentioned it.
And they all lived happily ever after. Apart from Jerrie who died of poison.