Every Saturday morning, at 6:30 on the dot, Dave Karofsky gets out of bed, gets dressed and then goes down to the local park for a jog.
Most weekends, he doesn't want to. In fact every weekend he doesn't really want to, but there is one thing that motivates him more than anything.
Every Saturday morning, for the past three months, Dave has seen Kurt Hummel sitting under a tree in the middle of the park, he's usually writing or texting, and he doesn't stay long, but Dave goes anyway.
Otherwise he would have to wait till Monday, and…well, that's just far too long, isn't it?
Dave is not gay, or at least, Dave cannot be gay. He knows this as much as he knows that his father would lynch him on his own front lawn if he were to tell him he was gay. Which he's not.
He tells himself this when he goes to the park every Saturday morning, just to get a glimpse of Kurt, and maybe to show off a bit. He tells himself this when his hand is working furiously under his bed sheets at night, and Kurt's face is drifting through his mind. He tells himself this as his toes curl and he gasps at the release…..but he's not gay.
If he was gay, would he slam Kurt into his locker every day?
Would he call him names or threaten him every single day?
These are the things that Dave has to tell himself, because the truth is…Dave is gay. He knows he has feelings for Kurt, and has for as long as he can remember. But he also knows that if he were to admit to this, truly let himself think that it were one hundred percent true, then everything would change. He would hate himself every time he allowed his eyes to drift down to Hummel's perfect curvaceous butt when he was walking behind him in the corridors. He would hate himself when he was sitting in French and he would let his eyes wander over to where Kurt was sitting and stare at those lips, those perfect lips of his, and imagine would it would feel like to kiss him. He would hate himself everytime he woke up in the mornings wet from his dreams of Kurt. Dreams where they could walk down the corridor holding hands, with their heads held high, where they would kiss by his locker before detaching to go to class, where they would cuddle up to each other, where they would…..
He knew he couldn't give in to their feelings because being gay was wrong. Or at least, his father and his mother had told him that being gay was wrong for as long as he could remember, but his thoughts and dreams didn't feel wrong to him, they felt heart wrenchingly right.
So when he went to school on Monday, and he pushed Kurt into his locker, trying to push his feelings away with him, and Kurt stormed into the boys locker room screaming at him, he couldn't keep it up anymore. He fought the battle in his mind as long as he could, but Kurt pushed him too far, so he took his face (so soft, oh my god) and his hands, and kissed him. Hard.
For Dave, at that moment, everything fell into place. It were as if this was always supposed to happen, was always going to happen, and now that it was it was much more perfect than had ever been planned, perfect except for one thing.
That being that Kurt was obviously not feeling the pieces falling into place. He was not enjoying this and he certainly was not retaliating.
At this realization Dave swore he felt a piece of him shrivel up, hope, maybe.
So he stopped, which gave Kurt a chance to push him away. His face was…disgusted; there was no other word to describe it, regardless, Dave leaned in again, not really knowing what to expect the second time around, but Kurt pushed him away.
Hurt turned into anger, as the realization that after all the heart wrenching lust for Kurt may as well be for nothing, as nothing was ever going to happen between them.
He punched the locker, trying to rid some of his anger, before storming from the locker room.
On his way out, he heard a whimper from Kurt; it was quiet, but definitely there.
At that sound, something in him shriveled again, and he knew it was impossible…
…but he thought it might be his heart.