Hope
Tiptoed steps across the hall,
Just when I was bout to fall,
You lie there and you hold my hand,
And, wordlessly, you understand.
Just like the friend you've always been,
You give me hope I'd never seen.
But even with you, even then,
There's demons lurking deep within.
And routine bleeds to daily chore,
And friends don't visit anymore,
And all the joy I once adored,
Has rotted, wasted, left abhorred.
You try your best not to give in,
But I can see you're wearing thin.
Your deep brown eyes don't shine as bright,
They tell a tale of sleepless nights.
I wish you didn't hear my dreams,
And lie there, frozen, as I scream.
It's hopeless, really, loving me,
I hold you back from all you'd be-
Even back when I could try,
I'd always fail, then wonder, why?
Is there a point, an end, to this?
Or will I simply always miss.
On darker nights I call you names,
I curse your coy protective games,
I break your words and clothes and smiles
In rage- you look on all the while.
But later, when tears stain my face,
I melt into your warm embrace.
It isn't fair; I know it's not,
But hurting you is all I've got.
Don't ask me why, I've never known,
I've just been glad and not alone.
I've been glad, yes, but now I see,
Even that joy is leaving me.
You might see too, but never say,
To wake up hopeful every day,
For in that moment, life is new,
And all the darkness fades to blue.
A blue that shows more hope than black-
Then, waking, all the dread comes back.
I know it's hard but try and see
This is a gift! For you, and me.
My shadow's long and I am weak,
I only dare while you're asleep.
I hold no false hope of a dawn,
I've known so long- all hope is gone.
And that is why I can't tell you,
And why I must do what I do.
You'd find a way to make me keel,
In name of things I used to feel,
You always do, you keep me here,
You never let me disappear.
I love you. I still think I do-
Even though I don't want to.
I see you breaking in my reach,
A lesson I can clearly teach,
I've taught you well, better than most,
And darkness soon will find new host.
So here I am, the pills are small,
In light of how they'll end it all.
My hands are shaking on the glass,
I take a breath and still my grasp,
It's now or never, then its now,
And then they slip on down, somehow.
I can't feel anything, not yet,
But somehow I start to forget,
Forget the dark and all the fear,
And suddenly just wish you here.
I am alone and it's so cold,
I like the sound of growing old.
You hear me, somehow, in your sleep,
And back along the hall you creep,
The door creaks open, louder still
Are your screams when you see the pills
Eyes wild and brown hair in a mess,
I think I can still love you best.
You call the number, use the phone,
But you stay here; I'm not alone.
And when that's done you hold my hand,
And somehow, try to understand.
You're crying and I'm crying too-
I guess that's what we're meant to do.
The red and blue lights come too soon,
I don't want you to leave the room,
I grip your hand and don't let go,
I want you; need to let you know-
It's not your fault, it's never been,
There's nothing here to be foreseen.
You tell me it will all be fine,
You seek comfort in your own line.
I nod but that is just for you,
There's nothing left for us to do.
And as you look back, through the door,
I fade away, forevermore.
A little poem! I hope you enjoyed! Even if it's sad.. Please let me know what you thoughts :D Might write some more Phan poems (: