Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the storyline
Just Pretend
Sometimes when I'm all alone, safe inside my room, deep inside my mind I like to pretend. I like to believe that not all people are bad, and that fairy tales do exist. I like to pretend that I can fly and that I can do anything and can never lose a battle.
It's nice you know. Pretending that the world is perfect. Making your utopia a momentary reality, a reality where you are god and everything goes right. It feels like a haven of safety. It makes me forget how things really went on between all of us. It makes me forget what really happened to ruin the four infamous tantei. And for just a moment, I'm not alone anymore.
The battle of our lives was occurring. This was it; the win all or lose all fight; the fight that would determine just how strong the legendary Reikai Tantei was. We won naturally, but afterwards I realized the fight wasn't made to test our physical strength, it was made to test our strength as a team. We lost that battle. Yusuke lost. Kuwabara lost. Hiei lost…I lost. Oh, obviously we all won our little fights. Yusuke obliterated anyone that got in his way, Kuwabara came back to finish the fight at the last moment and Hiei, well, Hiei did as he always did: made the fight seem like a dance, a dance that required no effort and I, well, I was nothing spectacular. It was and still is embarrassing however how we fell into the enemies arms so easily. I'm certain that to this day I am the only one of us to see what the true intent of our last battle as a team truly was.
You see, it was not a foe that set this battle up, though it was a foe we fought. Koenma and Botan were behind this particular battle. They seemed to be bored or something along those lines because they set us up against another Tantei, except this one was corrupt, a mirror image of what we were to become. Slowly the three of them set each of us against each other. I admire their mind power, for they outwitted the wittiest: me, a fox. They even managed to come between Hiei and me…
I wonder what he would do if he saw me again… would he kill me as he had threatened to so many years ago or would he forgive and confess that he too had seen what had really been happening all those years ago.
And Yusuke, what of him? Is he in college? Or is he still living with Atsuko? I often find myself wondering if Keiko and Yusuke ever married. I don't doubt that they did. Of course, it would seem unrealistic for them to do so with school and all, but…Keiko never left him. After all the emotional turmoil he put her through, she stuck by his side, always prepared to smack him across the back of the head and open his eyes to how big of an idiot he was being.
The memory still brings a smile to my lips…
And of course, I cannot forget Kuwabara, perhaps the least deserving of such a fate of the four of us. He was always true at heart and the one of us that was the last to believe the lies we were fed. The most trusting, the best judge of character. The one that didn't deserve to lose his closest friends.
I admit that I had this coming to me. My arrogance was blinding, as was my love. I refused to believe anything was wrong with Hiei or me and turned against Yusuke and Kuwabara in a flash if it meant denying any fault within Hiei or myself. How foolish I was….
"Kurama?" I raise my head from the soda in front of me and look around for the owner of the mysterious voice and feel my breath catch.
"Yusuke…" I breathe, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Standing I pull out the chair across from me and motion for him to take a seat.
"Would you like to join me?" I begin in my usual tone, hiding the nervousness from my voice. He glances at the chair then back at the door as a familiar female walks in, a young child in her arms.
"Yusuke?" She asks curiously before spotting me. Her eyes widen and she looks down at the child, a spitting image of Yusuke.
"Hello Kurama." She addresses me awkwardly, unsure of whether to hate me or forgive me. She has every right to hate me…I almost brought her relationship with Yusuke down with Hiei's and mine…
"I need to take Kenjira to the car quickly." Keiko continues and exits the restaurant in one swift movement. Realizing there's no way out; Yusuke takes the seat, his face pleasant, but nothing more.
"How have you been?" I ask as if nothing had happened between us…perhaps if I pretend…
"Kurama, don't act like we're still partners." Yusuke snaps at me, his eyes narrowed in my direction.
"…" I glance at the tablecloth and awkwardly begin fiddling with my cutlery.
"Have you seen Hiei?" Yusuke finally asks breaking the silence… Perhaps he does want to reclaim our friendship…
"No. I'm afraid his threat of killing me may not be a threat." I respond dryly, watching Yusuke smirk.
"It seems like a smart enough idea." He agrees amiably. More awkward silence…
"Yusuke…" I begin assertively, "I didn't realize what I was doing and…" I watch Yusuke's face close and realize that I've ruined the little progress we had just made, "I apologize for everything. I take full responsibility." I finish. It was my fault. I was the first one to fall into the trap and start the animosity between us.
"Kurama, we're all responsible. We all gave into Koenma's plan. We crumbled and proved just how weak of a team we were." Yusuke replied blandly, his hands fidgeting in his nervousness. My eyes widen, I can't believe that Yusuke had figured out what had occurred…perhaps Hiei had too…
"Kurama…Hiei and Murkuro are…" Yusuke trails away, unsure of how to finish. He was never comfortable with our relationship and speaking of it is probably more awkward to him than seeing me.
"Oh." I reply shortly. Ignore the hurt. Ignore the hurt. I push away any trace of broken hope that I feel and pretend Yusuke has not spoken. Just for a moment…
"So, you and Keiko are married?" I ask, trying to lighten the subject, not that we were discussing anything dark…
"Yeah, we have a daughter too, Kenjiri. She's two." Yusuke beams proudly despite the awkwardness and looks out the window to see Keiko and Kenjiri sitting on a bench eating ice cream.
"She's beautiful." I reply as I stare at the adorable little child with tea-colored hair and chocolate eyes.
"Yeah, I wouldn't have her any other way." Yusuke responds detachedly and it's in that moment that I realize just how much he's grown up.
"So are you going to school?" I inquire bringing attention away from the apple of Yusuke's eye.
"Nah, Keiko is though." He replies; his proud gaze still locked on his daughter.
"Have you seen Kuwabara since…since the incident?" I ask nervously, watching as Yusuke's eyes darken and his stare drops from his daughter to the table in front of us.
"Yeah." He responds, "Kuwabara's fine, he and Yukina are in a relationship. I suppose it's a good thing Hiei's not around." Yusuke adds, before wincing, realizing who he's speaking to.
"Sorry." He responds shortly.
"Don't worry about it. He's a thing of the past." I reply with a shrug, wondering if Yusuke has noticed that I can't seem to say Hiei's name.
"Either you've lost your touch at being unreadable or I'm getting better." Yusuke begins, locking a gaze on me, "You're about as over him as you are the splitting of the group." Yusuke continues, his eyes never leaving me.
"I suppose I just feel responsible. I was always the one that was depended upon in situations that required intellect, no offense meant." I added, watching as Yusuke shrugged.
"We all failed each other at some point in time, but by then we were doomed anyway. What with you and Hiei, me being unaccepting of your…orientation and Hiei's anger towards Kuwabara for becoming closer with Yukina." As Yusuke spoke, I found myself wondering if this was really the rash boy that I had once known.
"You've changed." I respond as Yusuke stands.
"So have you." He replies with a nod of his head. "See you around." He adds and begins to leave.
"I hope so." I reply quietly…
What would Yusuke be like had the incident not occurred? Would he be so mature, would he be the father of a lovely little girl with Keiko for a beautiful wife? I find myself replaying our conversation in my mind and pause at one section.
So Hiei and Murkuro are together. It's not a surprise, I decide as I hold back the urge to cry welling in my throat. All these years I thought that he might still love me and think about me and pretend that I have forgiven him and make believe that one day he will come to me and beg forgiveness and I will tell him that I already have forgiven him…but perhaps…perhaps this once, just this once, I was wrong.
Hiei's not coming back. The situation happened and should be forgotten, which is why I refuse to elaborate. I should forget it, as I should forget my old friends, my old life. But still…
Sometimes when I'm all alone, safe inside my room, deep inside my mind I like to pretend. I like to believe that not all people are bad, and that fairy tales do exist. I like to pretend that I can fly and that I can do anything and can never lose a battle.
It's nice you know. Pretending that the world is perfect. Making your utopia a momentary reality, a reality where you are god and everything goes right. It feels like a haven of safety. It makes me forget how things really went on between all of us. It makes me forget what really happened to ruin the four infamous tantei. And for just a moment, I'm not alone anymore.
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