This is a series of oneshots about the inner lives of the different remarkable figures of the Seireitei, in the form of a T.V show by Yachiru called Hidden Camera.
I apologize for all of the O.O.C around Byakuya's character... it's really hard to write about him staying in character!
I think I did pretty good with the other characters...
If I owned Bleach, Hisana would still be alive. And Byakuya would smile more, because he's so hot when he smiles.
Bleach: Hidden Camera
Byakuya Kuchiki
"Bya-chan!" A little pink haired bundle of fun crashed into the black haired man from behind. It was Yachiru, flanked by a woman and two cameramen. Byakuya turned, and gave Yachiru his best 'you do not amuse me pitiful one' stare. "You have been chosen to star on the very first episode of Hidden Camera." Byakuya pushed the little girl off of him, and tried to keep on walking, but Yachiru refastened herself to his neck. "Isn't it such an honour? What do you have to say?"
"Go away." Byakuya pushed Yachiru off of him again. This time, he used his 'if you don't stop I'm going to go Bankai on you, and then you're going to be sorry' look.
"You can't refuse Bya-chan!" Yachiru continued, hanging herself off of Byakuya's shoulder like she often did to Kenpachi Zaraki. "I got a signed order from Gramps that you had to do this!" she waved a piece of paper under Byakuya's nose so fast that he couldn't make out whether it really had Head Captain Yamamoto's signature on it, or if she was just telling him that. Byakuya shook the little girl off of his back for the last time, and kept walking, the two cameramen and the tall woman following him.
"So Byakuya, where're we going next?" the woman asked, jogging to keep up with him, despite the fact that she was taller than him.
"Please address me with more respect," Byakuya informed her icily.
"Yeah, yeah, let's not bother with formalities," the woman waved a hand. "We're going to be together all day after all!" A flicker of surprise and annoyance crossed Byakuya's normally expressionless face, but it was gone so fast that one could argue that it had never been there. "I'm Komara Seru- but you can call me Seru!" the woman grinned happily at Byakuya. "That's Gaichu Maneru, and Tsugi no Maneru."
"It's a pleasure-" Gaichu began
"To meet you." Tsugi no Maneru finished for him.
"They're twins!"
Byakuya resisted the urge to hit himself over the head with the files that he was carrying. He could tell that it was going to be a very long week.
When he reached the Squad Six barracks, Renji wasn't there, but he had expected that. Renji was always late on Monday mornings. Byakuya had a feeling that it had to do with the frequent drinking parties that Captain Kyoraku held on the weekends. He had learned to deal with this, as Renji was a better Vice Captain than Ginjiro Shirogane, the soul reaper who had been the former Vice Captain of Squad Six. Thankfully, the man had quit his job for his sunglasses shop, which had grown quite popular. Unfortunately, Ginjiro seemed to think that Byakuya actually wanted some of the glasses that he sold, and kept on sending him glasses, no matter how many times Byakuya rejected them.
With Seru and the twins watching him intently, Byakuya sat down at his desk, and began to work on his large pile of paperwork. Every so often Seru would heave an enormous sigh, and occasionally she rolled her eyes. Finally she sat on his desk and leaned forwards so that she cast a shadow over his paperwork. "Get off." Byakuya deadpanned, but the look that he gave her was far from emotionless. He wanted her off of his desk, and he wanted her off now.
Just then, Renji walked in, holding his head and groaning softly. The moment he saw Seru sitting on Byakuya's desk he stopped abruptly and quickly began to back out. Byakuya held up a hand to stop him.
"Renji," he said, looking around Seru at his Vice Captain. "Get this woman off of my desk."
Renji winced, stopped, and stared at his captain. "How?"
"I don't care, just get her off!"
"Yessir!" Renji stared at Seru, his forehead creased in a frown. He sat down at his own desk, still watching Seru. "I would suggest that you get off of the Captain's desk," he told her. "He gets cranky when people invade his personal bubble." Seru giggled. "If you need to sit on something you can sit on my desk," he offered. Seru appeared to think about it for a bit, before she hopped off of Byakuya's desk and perched on the edge of Renji's desk.
"So what are you doing here anyways?" Renji asked, looking at the paperwork on his desk disinterestedly.
"We're from the Seireitei's new T.V show, Hidden Cameras!" Seru replied enthusiastically. "It's a T.V show where we follow different key members of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads around for a week to show what they do, and even interview them! Byakuya is our first interviewee! Although," she continued thoughtfully, "he's being quite boring right now."
"Wait until you annoy him," Renji told her. "Then you'll miss boring."
"Renji, work."
"Yessir."
The office was silent, and then Seru turned to Byakuya.
"How about we start the interview now?" she asked excitedly.
"I'm busy," Byakuya replied.
"Alright, let's start the interview!" Seru ran out of the room and came back carrying a chair that she had presumably stolen from one of the other desks in the barracks. She sat across from Byakuya at his desk, and clasped her hands together.
"First Question! What's your favourite colour?"
"I don't have one." Byakuya didn't look up from his paperwork, while Renji watched, entranced, from his desk.
"Second Question! Why do you wear curlers in your hair?"
"Curlers?" Byakuya sounded almost confused.
"You know, those white tubey things!"
"My kenseikan?" Byakuya asked. "They are notcurlers. They are a symbol of my position as head of the Kuchiki family."
"They're curlers," Seru informed him. Byakuya opened his mouth, presumably to give her a lecture about the kenseikan, but she pushed on. "Third Question! Why don't you ever show any emotion?"
"It is my duty, as the head of the Kuchiki family, to remain calm and composed at all times." As though to prove how calm and composed he was, Byakuya took a sip of his tea.
"Fourth Question," Seru said, rather quickly. "Were you really in love with Hisana?" Byakuya choked on his tea, and, coughing stared at Seru.
"What type of question is that!" He asked when he could breathe again.
"Answer it."
"I married her, didn't I?" Byakuya told her, going back to his paperwork.
"Yes you did. So, were you really in love with her?"
"Why would I marry her if I weren't?" Byakuya sounded slightly exasperated. "Of course I loved her."
"Oh good. A lot of people were worried. Fifth Question! Do you love Rukia?"
"Next question."
"So you do love her!"
"Next question."
"Oh, come on, it's just a simple yes or no question. Definitely not as bad as the questions that are to come." Seru grinned wickedly.
"If I say yes will you go away?"
"No, but thanks for answering! Sixth Question! What do you think of Renji?" Renji stiffened and stared at Byakuya expectantly.
"He's a good Vice Captain."
"Yes!" Renji jumped up from his desk and did a weird sort of dance, before running out of the room shouting, "did you hear that? Byakuya said that I was a good Vice Captain! Boo-ya! Take that Rangiku!"
"Except for when he does that," Byakuya finished.
"Oh, I don't know, I thought that was cute. Anyways, Seventh Question. Did you know how many fanfics there are about you doing… mature things with Rukia, Renji, and sometimes even Ichigo. Not usually all at once though…" Seru thought for a moment, "How would that work? All of them at once?"
"Fanfics?" Byakuya asked blankly, and then added, "Mature things?"
"Fanfiction is when people write stories based on people in books and movies and T.V shows and stuff like that. By mature things I meant… sex."
"With Renji!" Byakuya paled slightly, before appearing to get himself under control. "What about it?"
"Hey, I'm the one asking the questions on this show! I just wondered is all. Eighth Question. What do you think about the fanfics?"
"I've never read one."
"Oh. Okay. Some of them are really funny you know. There was this one, and I liked it a lot-"
"Next question."
"Right. Ninth Question. Are you a virgin?"
"Next question."
"So you are!"
"Next question."
"Ha, I knew it!"
"I was married."
"So you aren't a virgin?"
"Next question."
"You're no fun. Tenth Ques- hey I've got candy! Would you like some candy?" Seru triumphantly pulled some candy out of her pocket.
"No."
"Fine. Tenth Question. What's your favourite food?"
"I like spicy things." Seru started laughing. "What, I do!" Seru nearly fell off of her chair. Byakuya stared at her for a few seconds, before going back to his work with a mental shrug.
"C-cut," Seru stuttered, and the Maneru brothers obeyed. Byakuya ignored Seru for the rest of the day, refusing to show anything, even when she randomly burst into laughter while muttering something that sounded like 'spicy things! Oh, that's too good!'
Finally the day was over, and Seru and the Maneru brothers followed Byakuya out.
"See you around Byakuya-chan," Seru called, waving. "This was fun."
"In what world?" Byakuya muttered, glaring at the tall woman's retreating back.
"So did you set up the hidden cameras?" Seru asked Yachiru.
"Yep, there's one in every room in his mansion!" Yachiru informed her. "I made sure."
"Oh good." Seru grinned. "I'm looking forwards to this." She opened the door to a secluded room in the Eleventh Squad Barracks. Third Seat Ikkaku Madarame and Fifth Seat Yumichika Aysegawa were already there waiting for them. "Alright," Seru announced. "Let's get this party started.
Screens all around the room showed every room in the Kuchiki Manor, and all six of them waited expectantly for Byakuya to enter. They didn't have to wait long.
The door at the main entrance slammed open, and Byakuya entered, obviously in a foul mood. He shut and locked the door, before leaning against it, seemingly relieved about something.
"He's probably happy he got rid of us," Seru commented. "Now let's see Captain Kuchiki, whether you are so calm and composed when you are within your own home." Byakuya pushed off of the door and walked to another room. This room appeared to be a main room, complete with a nice couch, and a potted plant. Byakuya sprawled out on the couch, lay there for a moment, before getting up again and going to his bedroom. There he changed into a pair of loose fitting pants, and walked back into the main room, shirtless. Seru stared. "Wow… The females of the Seireitei are going to love this. I love this!" She leaned closer to the screen, examining Byakuya's bare chest with a fascination that was slightly creepy. Byakuya lay on the couch, unaware of the stalker like people watching every moment of it.
After a while, he got up again, and went into the kitchen. There he grabbed a bag of Oreos and went back to the couch, where he sat, leaning back, and quietly eating his Oreos. He ate them the traditional way, carefully separating the two halves with thin, agile fingers, licking the icing off, and then eating the cookies. Seru shivered. "Wow," she murmured.
"Are you going to say that all night?" Ikkaku asked, sounding annoyed.
"Maybe," she said distractedly.
"He eats his cookies so unbeautifully," Yumichika complained with a toss of his head.
"I like it," Seru told him. "Shh…"
"He's not even saying anything!"
"Shh…"
Byakuya finished his Oreos, put the bag aside, and picked up a book.
"This is boring," Yachiru complained. "He's not doing anything."
"He might," Ikkaku told her. "That's why we're watching, remember. Anyways, this was your stupid idea, tough it out with us- oww, that's my head! Stop biting my head! Ouch!"
"Are they always this noisy?" Seru asked Yumichika.
"Yes," Yumichika replied. "It is so not beautiful."
"Oh, hey, something's happening! He's smiling! Look at this, Byakuya's smiling!" Yachiru detached herself from Ikkaku's shiny bald head to come look. Ikkaku followed more slowly, rubbing the teeth marks that were firmly embedded in his skull.
Byakuya was indeed smiling. The smile faded, and he continued reading, his unknown observers watching with baited breath. Suddenly, he burst out laughing, doubling over on the couch.
"Wow! He's laughing! Byakuya Kuchiki is actually laughing! Wow! I mean, wow!"
"Could you stop saying that?"
"Make me baldy."
"You didn't-" whatever Ikkaku was about to say was cut short when Yumichika grabbed in a headlock, keeping him from attacking Seru.
Byakuya, unbeknownst to the drama unfolding on the other side of the cameras, continued to read, occasionally chuckling at whatever was written in the book. A soft mewing sound appeared to draw his attention, and he put his book down. He bent down and picked up a small tabby cat with a torn left ear. It meowed at him, and Byakuya smiled back.
"Hello Kichi," he murmured, gently scratching behind the cat's ears. Kichi purred at him.
"Those cameras have good sound," Ikkaku said.
"Shh!" Seru commanded.
Byakuya gently set Kichi on his lap, and the cat stared up at him, as though asking him to tell about his day. "Some insane evil woman followed me around today," he informed the cat. "She kept asking me questions, and she laughed at me!"
"Meow," said Kichi.
"She asked me if I really loved Hisana. Of course I loved Hisana, I married her!" He sighed, looking suddenly sad. "I miss her so much Kichi."
"Meow?"
"I wish that she were here…" he trailed off, and his tense watchers saw the unmistakeable glimmer of tears in his eyes. "At least I could talk to somebody who actually listens."
"Awww!" Seru said. "I'll listen Bya-chan!"
"Shh!" Everybody else hushed her.
"Meow!"
"I know that you listen, but you can't answer."
"Meow. Meow!"
"Nobody else listens. All that they see is the title, not the person. Besides, if I were to speak with them, where would the honour of the Kuchiki Family go? I despise being a noble."
"Meow." Kichi rubbed her face against one of Byakuya's slim hands.
"Oh well." Man and cat sat together quietly for a bit, before Byakuya yawned and stretched. "Time for bed Kichi."
"Meow!" Kichi jumped off of Byakuya's lap, and ran out the door. On the other screens the group watched it run into Byakuya's bedroom, and curl up on the pillow. Byakuya stood up slowly, before looking directly at the camera and grinning. Muttering something that the camera's excellent sound system couldn't quite catch, he looked away, and started towards the door. Suddenly he turned a no hands cartwheel, landed neatly and did a back flip before heading out the door, and into his bedroom. There he crawled under the covers, headfirst so that his bare feet rested on the pillow and his head was down at the other baseboard section of the bed, and went to sleep. Kichi draped itself over his feet.
"Wow. So even the great Byakuya Kuchiki has some really weird quirks. That was… unexpected."
Back at the mansion, Byakuya sneezed, his eyes flickering open uneasily to stare at the sheets of his bed. Why did he suddenly feel so weird?
Lol... that's it. Sorry if it wasn't any good.
I'm doing Soi Fon next, so you can send me questions that you want Seru to ask her... or don't if you think it sucked...
Review, but don't be mean! I'm a very sensitive person. I'm open to constructive criticisim, but flaming is not cool. If you don't like it, don't read it.
I apologize again for all of the O.O.C around Byakuya... I try...
And I know that Byakuya would never eat Oreos because he hates sweet things, but I had to include that... I mean, imagine Byakuya licking the icing off of Oreos... Like Seru said... Wow.