It's Spring in my head.
It is advisable to read Leaving You if needed.
Happy reading and cheers.
One | Reliving the Nightmare
The smell of the hospital seemed to create a small village under everyone's nose and decided to fume its scent as if it were the Industrial Revolution all over again. All around the living room, the likes of Angela, Frankie, Tommy, and Maura sat, dismayed and angry, as the image of the last month radiated in their mind. No one spoke about it. No one knew where to start. Life hadn't stopped. It only grew slow and complicated, yet the events seemed to run at sonic speed. It had been exactly eight days since they discovered her, lying on the ground, closing into death. Eight days since Maura felt her blood oozing into the dry fibers of her dress. Eight days since the horrific night. Eight days since they've said her name. Saying her name wasn't the difficult part, but rather the seconds that followed after. It pierced their tongue, straddled their throats, and worse of all, it seemed to warm a cold depression in their body.
The four looked at each other, instantly recognizing the question that haunted them. How could they recover from this? The realization hit them like a never ending cycle. How could someone so monstrous be the same person who was the reason for such a great deal of happiness? The stares were always directed towards Maura, as if she wanted anymore pity. What Maura needed was to move on. What she needed was a sense of resolution – a closure, the facts and reasons to support the facts. She needed the truth and the scientific method, she knew, would not help in such a complex situation. As Angela's muffled tears echoed throughout the dimly lit room, Maura felt her body turn rigid as it had small rates of spasms down her spine.
"At least eat, sweetie." Angela barely whispered. She too had lost the willingness to eat. The two Rizzoli brothers were a better story, since they had their own families to care for. It became difficult to hold a family that was slowly falling apart because of an unexpected black sheep. Angela was on the verge of a breakdown, since it was easy to give everything up. But someone had to be the nucleus or the mitochondria of the family, because if no one would step up to the role, recovery would be close to impossible. Surely, Maura suffered the biggest and deepest blow. She would not be qualified, let alone be allowed, to be the person who would hold everyone together.
"Sweetie, you haven't had a proper meal for days!" Angela tried to escalate her voice. Maura looked at her, briefly, and then stared back into space, before the images grew back in her mind.
Frankie was the first to jump out of the car, even as it was still moving. He dashed to the gritty door, pounding it several times while he waited for everyone else to follow. Tommy yelled into the door while Angela stood off to the side, beginning to feel her heart break. Maura was at the edge of the doorstep, telling her children to cover their ears. The first two minutes of waiting in anticipation burned every cell in their bodies. They knew she was in this apartment. They knew because that was the word on the street, thanks to Rondo. The men continued to yell and pound, causing the children to cling tightly to their mother. Soon, Frankie was backing up and with his foot; he knocked it down, suddenly exposing the inhumane condition.
Everyone was taken aback. Their eyes scanned the crumbling living room. There was broken glass everywhere, especially against the wall. Small amounts of blood was present, some even smudging against the wall. Not only that, but a gaping hole on the wall stood perpendicular against the couch that seemed to have been thrown against the wall. The kitchen was small, but in its tiny space bore the greatest wrenching smell of alcohol. The drawers were out, cabinets opened, and the fridge began to show signs of mold. More broken glass was present. The sight was horrific for everyone. Maura had no idea what to do with her children. She hesitated for a moment, whether to step outside or to have them stand by the door. Tommy realized Maura's dilemma and decided to walk out with the kids
"Oh God," Angela whimpered, "What has happened?"
Maura walked beside Frankie and took in every sight of the broken fragments that resembled her. The broken glass, blood splatters, and destruction, they feared, mirrored her for the past couple of weeks.
"How can someone live in a place like this?" Frankie asked. He stared at the clutter of empty bottles of whiskey. Silence protruded them until the wildest shrieks chilled their bones.
"Oh my God! Jane!" Angela yelled from another room. A sense of desperation and sadness overwhelmed the strength of her voice. Almost simultaneously, Frankie ad Maura ran towards the haunting yell. As they made their way, Frankie and Tommy made eye contact and simply nodded. Tommy would have to see for himself later. They caught a quick glimpse of the room, which had been cluttered in a mess.
Maura pushed the door open to find Angela cradling Jane in a pool of crimson red blood. Maura could not spot the source of it. There was too much, anyways. In a span of one minute, Maura's state of emotion and decision became turbulent. She didn't work on live people. It was never her thing, since they had their own voice to speak for. But Maura's doctor instincts were strong and had begun to kick in. She quickly assessed the situation as tedious as she could. Her arms were out at millions of angles. The cuts were so deep that the slightest movement would cause the exposure of a few veins, muscles, and more blood. The deepest were at the wrist, where the blood seemed to flow like a fountain – never running out of its source. Next, Maura scanned the next source – the neck. The precision was pooled in a puddle of blood. It looked all too familiar – the angle of it and how it curved slightly. It almost looked like something Hoyt would do. That statement sent chills all over Maura's neck. It seemed as if the victim became the perpetrator, but to herself.
"Maura! Do something!" Angela pleaded with her entire body. Her eyes were red with desperation and her voice grew absent, almost rasping. Maura's knees buckled. She felt her white Dolce and Gabbana tighten with every breathless attempt to get oxygen circulating in her system. The thought of saving the person who so dearly damaged her own life, seemed stupid in its own sense. Maura did and was capable of exerting her medical skills in order to save a life. In fact, she could save a life. But this life…this person who made their decision to end her life – a question that always popped up in a doctor's mind – is the person who literally Maura's other half. That was the doctor's dilemma. Do doctors save the lives of those who chose suicide? The answer was clear as Maura blankly stared at Angela.
With a rush, Maura kneeled down, allowing the warm red blood to seep into the white dress. The smell grew intense as fresh blood continued to drain out of the almost lifeless body. She took in a deep breath, closed her eyes to regain her composure, and tried so hard to separate her emotions. But when she opened her eyes, a foreign feeling, a very strange one, empowered her.
Maura's hands ran all over the pulse points. Her hands shook vigorously and her vision trembled. Her pulse was dangerously low, as expected. Next, Maura reached over to grab a t-shirt, one that was all too familiar. It was a black shirt, a gift from Maura as a partial joke and it read: Future Scientist of America. Painfully, Maura ripped it into strands and instructed Angela, who continued to cradle her daughter, to hold and keep them from the puddle.
Tears soon rained down Maura's face. Desperate grew feverishly and the emotion that had longed to be expected, because to scream out from Maura's mouth. She grabbed the ripped cloth from Angela and began to tie them around her wrists. In truth, there was not enough. There was not enough cloth to cover the entire arm. But it was enough to pinch off the main source.
"Angela, keep her head steady!" Maura panted. "Try not to move." She looked at Frankie. "Did you ca-."
"E.T.A five minutes." He replied.
Maura examined the limp body in front of her. She couldn't say her name just yet, since it hurt so much. But her emotions won, sending Maura into an even more desperate fit.
"Jane!" Maura yelled out. The effort to say the four letter word was massive. "You need to stay…stay with me." She applied more pressure on the neck, trying to not allow anger to choke her. "Jane! You need to do your best to breathe!" Maura checked for a pulse. She darted her eyes in fear. "She's not breathing! Frankie! Come here! I need you to keep applying pressure on her neck. Angela…just keep doing what you're doing!"
She laid a hand on top of the other and placed it in Jane's unmoved chest. In rhythm, she pressed down and realized that she was now pumping to save her life.
"They're here!" Tommy yelled from the front door. He held onto the children's hands."In the bathroom," he said. The gurney took up much of the ill sized hallway. Two E.M.T's walked in behind Frankie.
"Oh Lord…" the closest to Maura says. "What do we have?"
"Thirty nine year old female. Deep lacerations all over both arms and neck. Multiple veins were hit with the exception of the jugular vein." Maura said. She continued doing CPR.
"Alright, we're going to need to get an I.V up. Ma'am." He said. "Ma'am. You need to let me take over. Ma'am!"
"Jeff." The other man said sternly. "Don't."
"No! I need to take over!"
"Jeff." His eyed pointed at Maura and then to Jane. Jeff's eyes followed the likes of his partner. His eyes said everything. They simply recognized.
"Okay…Ma'am, I'm going to ask one more time. Please let me -."
"No. If I stop, then she will die." Maura asserted her voice. "Do we really need another reason to give people an idea for a headline?" the timing of the sarcasm was off, but it blurted out a sense of pain and truth. Neither E.M.T's spoke. "By the look on your faces, I can only conclude that you know us. And because of that, you will do exactly as I say. Do I make myself clear?"
Both men nodded without hesitation. Frankie and Angela stopped, only for a moment, and took in the old Maura, knowing it would gone be in a matter of days. They could feel the inner conflict that Maura felt; to save an almost successful suicide and that suicide be a former lover.
"Frankie, I need you. Jeff, and," she looked at the other man. "What's your name?"
"Uh, Mike. Mike Wore, ma'am." He replied.
"I need you three to carefully lift her at the same time. She's already lost more blood than allowed. Her heart is unable to pump on its own so I need you to be as synchronized as possible when you lift her. Once you're done, Frankie, I need you to come back and apply pressure. Ready?"
The three men nodded one after the other. "Okay. Steady! Angela, keep her head steady till we get her on the gurney. And…is it okay if Frankie stays with me? Tommy can drive the three of you and we can meet there. Is that okay?"
"Of course…" she let go of Jane's head. "I'll let him know." She looked at her hands and then to Maura's dress. "Your…um…do you need a change-."
"Ma'am. We're going to need to go now." Mike said.
Maura nodded. "Meet you there." She turned towards the men. "Remember. Slow, steady, synchronized."
Like a hoard of ants, they slowly made their way out of the apartment, trying their best to not step on any more glass. The stench of each room vanished, but the blood was a breath in too alienated, one breath out familiar. Blood continued to pour from Jane's wounds. Her skin grew as white and cold as snow.
Mike opened the two doors, and with the help of Frankie they lifted the gurney into the ambulance. Jeff attempted to step into the back, but was blocked off by Maura.
"You need to be in front with Mike." He tried to speak. "I said you need to be with Mike! He needs another set of eyes. We have it controlled here! Frankie!" she called out. "Are you still applying pressure?"
"Yeah! Are we leaving or what?" he yelled.
"Just a second! Jeff, trust that I know what I'm doing. You know me. I saw the look on your face. You've seen my face all over newspapers. You know that I'm a doctor, so please go with Mike!"
"Alright…just…" he stuttered. "Okay…" he ran off to the front.
"Frankie, close the door. I'll take over CPR. I just need to…" she inserted an I.V into Jane's arm. "Pump for a second. I need to check for…okay. Here. Put this over her nose and squeeze it in intervals of two seconds. This will regulate a little better."
"She's still bleeding!" Frankie said.
"It's expected. The damage is more than we can handle without any tools. Let me take over."
Frankie switched places and could only watch where he waited for any drastic changes. The blood prevented him from noticing any change whatsoever. Much of Maura's dress was red. He wondered how much the dress was and was even more astonished that Maura would sacrifice it for Jane.
The ambulance suddenly halted; causing Maura to lose her place.
"Hey! Be careful!" She screamed as she looked at the monitor. Jane flat lined for a good minute prior to the stop, but was broke back to life once Maura regained her composure. The doors swung open, revealing Jeff, Mike, and a doctor, whom Maura recognized.
"Oh…" the man said. "Dr. Ri- er, Dr. Isles. What hap-."
"Dr. Anton, deep lacerations across both arms and neck. Multiple veins were hit. She's lost about six liters of blood."
"Come on, let's get her out." Mike said. Together, they took the gurney out. Jeff took over CPR.
"Alright. Get her in a room. I want every test done and get her scanned!" Dr. Anton said. He turned to Maura. "Is that -."
"Yes. That's her." Maura said quietly. She began to walk. "Frankie, wait for them."
He left and returned to the lobby.
"How bad?" Dr. Anton asked.
"Very bad. She flat lined on the way and her body's rejected almost everything we gave her."
"Four years, right? I haven't seen her…" he stopped. "Well, you need a change of clothes. I'll have a nurse give you some-."
"No." Maura said sternly. "I need to be there. I need to be there and watch everything."
"Doctor to doctor. I don't think that's a good idea. You're going to disagree with several things that I'm about to say, if not all of them, but you know it's the truth. You're overwhelmed, on an adrenaline rush. You're scared but you want to do everything in your power to save her. I get it. But you can't have conflicting emotions running inside of you. Let us do our job." Dr. Anton left without another word.
Maura, deaf from life, watched several doctors and nurses rush around. She stood for a few more minutes, before a nurse, spoke to her.
"Ma'am, can I help you?" The nurse stared at the dress. "Are you hurt? Excuse me? Ma'am?"
"No." Maura replied, eyes still fixed onto the nothingness.
"Here." The nurse pulled Maura by the arm. "Let's have a seat. Are you not hurt?"
"No." Maura replied. Her sense of vocabulary was lost in a puddle.
"Did you come in with someone?"
"Yes." Her eyes were still round and it began to show signs of trauma. Another nurse came by and whispered something. The nurse seated next to Maura simply nodded.
"I'm going to get you a set of scrubs."
Maura sat rigidly straight and rested her hands on the blood drenched part of her dress. She could feel the wetness seep through the dress and onto her skin. Nothing could make her move – not a sound, not a single movement. The rest of the world kept moving while Maura stood still. Her breathing was slowed to an uneven rhythm and her eyes grew big and small with each breath.
The nurse returned with light blue scrubs and a pair of crocs. Usually, Maura would reject, especially with the choice of shoes, but she accepted it, without even looking at the nurse.
"The bathroom is down the hall." The nurse said. "Also, if you need anything else, I'll be on the desk over there." She pointed at the other end of the hall and left.
Close to fifteen minutes later, a familiar voice rang through the door. Only now did Maura move.
"I'm looking for my daughter and daughter in law!" It was Angela. Her eyes ran around the building, until she found Maura. Tommy, Frankie, Johnny, and Arissa followed behind. Angela whispered something to Tommy, since he walked in the opposite direction of Maura. He brought the two kids with him. Angela ran towards Maura.
"Where is she?" Angela put a hand on Maura's shoulder.
"I don't know."
Realizing Maura's new state, Angela instructed Frankie to fetch the three. She pulled Maura from the chair and guided her to the bathroom.
"Do you need me in there?"
"No." Maura replied again.
Another nurse walked by and asked, "Are you with the woman who was sitting over there?"
"Yes…have you seen my daughter? They took her in a few minutes ago, probably…she…she was…"
"Okay, ma'am. What's your daughter's name?"
"Jane Rizzoli-Isles." Angela quickly said before realizing what came out of her mouth. She stared at the nurse. "Er…I mean."
"No…no. I understand. I'll find the doctor in her care."
It was rarely ever news when someone understood their situation. In fact, it was more difficult to find people who didn't understand, simple because everyone knew about them, as if it were on the back of their hand. Several nurses at their stations huddled in groups and often looked back at Angela. She knew they were talking about Maura and Jane and most likely how they would transport this situation to a newspaper.
What's new, Angela thought to herself. She had been dubbed as the mother of a monstrous hero.
Maura opened the door. Her face remained the same. The smell of blood had not left her even though she held onto her clothes and heels.
"Go sit. I'll be with you in a moment." Angela said. As Maura walked back to the chair, something collided behind her.
"Mommy!" It was Arissa. Her entire body trembled against Maura. "Why are we here? Why do you have blood on your – why are you wearing that mommy?"
"Ma!" Johnny followed behind. Maura did not move. She stared into her children's frantic eyes. For the first time since driving to Jane's apartment, she could feel her heart pump. But alas, what Maura felt physically was not matching emotionally. Angela and her sons reunited at the chair, blocking much of the hallway. Tommy asked questions while Frankie answered them. Angela took a hold of her grandkids, noticing that Maura hadn't replied to any of their questions.
Dr. Anton returned two and a half hours later, informing the lot of the depth of Jane's wounds. He claimed that Jane flat lined multiple more times, but would recover.
"How deep were…" Angela couldn't complete her sentence.
"Close to her bones. She will have to go through several therapy sessions, due to muscle and nerve damage. As for her neck, once she wakes, she will be numb, and won't be able to move much of her head as much as she wants to."
"Why do I feel like you're not saying everything?" Tommy asked.
Dr. Anton hesitated for a moment. She flat lined a total of eight times. And in those eight times, she was out for a good three to five minutes each. If you do the math, that's close to forty minutes. Give minutes alone without circulation of oxygen to the brain can cause moderate to severe brain damage."
"Are you saying she's going to have brain damage?" Frankie rose his voice, startling the two kids.
"That's what we're going to wait and see."
"What do you mean? Is she in a coma?" Angela whimpered.
"Yes…" he replied.
"What?" The Rizzoli brothers yelled.
"Medically induced. It will help her recover more efficiently."
"Oh mother of St. Thomas." Angela made the sign of the cross. "Did you sew her wounds?"
"Yes. Those need to be looked over intensively and may take close to two months to heal. After that, we can remove the stitches. Remember, due to the depth of her lacerations, scars will most likely stay behind, on top of her previous untreated scars."
"Untreated scars?" Angela covered Johnny's ears while Arissa held onto Tommy.
"Previous scars…most likely done by her own will."
"You mean ,she's done this before?" Angela almost yelled.
"Unfortunately, yes. Do you have any more questions or concerns?"
"Can we see her?" Tommy asked quietly.
"Yes…in a few. I'll have a nurse show you to her room." Dr. Anton said. "Dr. Riz- er, Dr. Isles, may I have a moment?"
The group had almost forgotten about Maura. They watched ghostly eyes level to the desk on the opposite end of the room. Dr. Anton guided her up and gently walked her to a secluded room. He closed the door behind them and sat down.
"She was awake for about two seconds." He tried to meet Maura's eyes.
"Okay."
"She said something."
No movement.
"I think it was directed to you." He said quietly. "Don't you want to know?"
No reply.
Sighing, he cleared his throat and said, "'Sorry.'"
"Hm?"
"'Sorry'. That's what Jane said."
Maura began to laugh. It shocked the other doctor.
"She said sorry?" her laugh was painful and filled with rage. "Sorry that she left? Sorry that I saved her life? Or was she sorry that her blood drenched my dress? Sorry for what? Sorry does not cut it."
Dr. Anton sighed once more. "Dr. I-."
"Sorry doesn't bring anything back."
The room was dark, empty and quiet. Maura looked from the corner, unable to comprehend just how she got there. One minute she was in the unmoving company of her family, next was in the comfort of isolation, sucking in all the nightmares that collapsed her every being. She started at the bed and cried on the inside, since there were no more tears left to cry on the outside. The bed signified so many things, but it was the first furniture they bought together. She'd only allowed two people on it – maybe regrettably. Her eyes hovered over the walls and she wondered why the hell she was still living there. Only in these rare yet peculiar moments did Maura have the time to wonder just why. She wondered why she never moved out of their house.
Maura hugged her legs and soaked in the darkness. It was the greatest comfort and a complete contrast to the hospital. She admired how the shadows changed in slow motion and how dust piled in places that had been neglected. She liked being alone. She liked being able to finally think. But most of all, she hated being unable to control the visions that replayed in her mind.
As expected from the unexpected series of events, the entire family worked in bipolar phases. They did what they pleased, when they pleased, and did whatever to deal with the circumstances.
It had been six days since they saw Jane – since she was snatched in front of their very eyes and another two since they found her bleeding to death. It was like endless tsunami waves that continued to hit them. Jane was gone and no one knew what to do.
There was a loud knock on the door. It quietly opened and it scratched against Maura's ears. Maura gave no effort to look up. The smell is what gave it away.
"Maura. Barry and Vince are here… I…I think they want you…I…they want us together…to talk." Angela held out her hand. "Come on…you still have to eat."
Maura was dragged to her feet, immediately showing signs of malnutrition. Her skin grew into a sick pale color and her bones looked cadaverous. On top of that, Maura's vocal cords were desert dry. The hallway was dimly lit and Maura could hear grim voices from the living room.
"The kids are watching a movie in their room." Angela said. They reached the living room and all faces turned to Maura. Frost was the first to approach her. Hesitantly, he hugged her, the first time in six days. His deep chocolate skin was obviously tired. Korsak took his turn. He smelled like animals and his eyes were red. They sat down, blankly, and waited.
"Cavanaugh has given us permission to uh…" Korsak looked at Frost, "work the case."
"We've been looking into anything suspicious around the city and we've notified other precincts. As of now, we know nothing."
"They're like ghosts then." Tommy muttered.
"Yeah…but in order to find her...we need to act like ghosts too."
"Remember what they said? We follow them and she dies!" Frankie threw the pillow on the ground. He then sat down, realizing his own inner conflicts.
"Cavanaugh put out more uniforms," Korsak said. Then silence filled the air.
The urge to find Jane and to release all bottled emotions was clear. They wanted to cry, hug every inner emotion in them, and throw it in the deepest ditch.
"What the hell are we going to do? They'll know that we're lookin' for them." Tommy sat down and eyed Maura as he positioned himself.
Maura was lost in her own world, once again. She wondered off into a tiny space in her mind that had longed to be unlocked. She'd classified the space as an endless ride in a carousel, one that would be a perfect definition for a psychosis. Just how far and lost was Maura? Their passing voices were merely sounds to her. It had no meaning and no future.
Awareness is what she needed. Not only for and from herself, but from others. She also wanted a clear mind and to somehow understand the given situation. What Maura didn't need was the lack of awareness. All she wanted to do was bury herself in a blanket of darkness and eerie silence and to process.
Then the main door quietly opened. Maura opted for a sense of relief. A tall man entered. It hadn't registered to anyone who he was. But to Maura, she hoped it was relief.
Tanner walked towards the living room. His eye brows curled up and he looked at every eye staring at him.
Rescue was all over Maura's face. She wanted to believe that Tanner would save her from a depressed driven insanity. And when he sat next to her, gave a warmful touch, and looked at everyone again, they knew just then that Tanner would be the opposite of rescue and relief. Tanner's being was the definition of lack of awareness.
"You still haven't given me an answer about the engagement." He said out loud as he interrupted Frost. The room grew silent and this time, eyes darted at him. Tommy's veins began to throb against his forehead. His fists were clenching into a fist.
Unaware and incredibly rude.
One could write a story about him.
But no one would read it, especially at this bone ripping event.
Jane was gone, again, and Tanner could care less.