Falling Spring
Rating: PG (I refuse to go by fiction ratings; I am a staunch conservative in my writing matters.)
Genre: Angst/Romance
Warnings: Some storyline spoilers up to volume 8, though mostly muted.
Summary: Love can travel through the ages but bonds can easily be shattered by Chance. But what was broken can be changed, and spring comes again for a wolf's shadowed heart. Song!fic Mild Fen/Loki
Disclaimer: I do not own Ragnarok, even if I do share a surname with its creator.
"Past can't come back,
Heaven knows I've tried…
"Don't cry.
I love you…
Now it's goodbye…"
I still remember the day I died.
"I" died.
The Wolf God is another entity it seems, for I am now Fenris Fenrir, a warlock, not a god, not even a demi-god or a childling. It was another life… that much I could feel when my memories came back.
But even then, Fenris Fenrir seems to be nonexistent, for I cannot remember my parents, my childhood nothing but a blank within my mind, overshadowed even by the faint, distant memories of the tenure of a God. I do not remember if I was a poor peasant girl or a princess or a merchant's child. I do not remember any faces of childhood, nothing of a kind or cruel mother, stern or happy father, horrible or gentle siblings, or sundry. I do not remember if I had a name, something feminine, perhaps, something with or without the weight of generations and familiar blood.
It seems I came from some mortal woman's womb already knowing what I was, but helpless, with none of the fighting skills or abilities that had dominated my former life. Those abilities I had to learn, teaching myself, seeking mystical teachers when most necessary. That is when I named myself Fenris Fenrir, a woman with no family, just the blessing of a dead god. Fenris is the woman, Fenrir is the wolf; neither exists truly.
"Heaven works in funny ways
Across the waves of time.
Even now I won't forget you,
Won't ever cry."
Balder is all that is in my mind. Balder is all I can remember with clarity, light that shines and beckons and makes all things better with promise. Light and sweet flowers of spring, the spring that makes the wolf frisky as a pup and content with life and rebirth after a long winter.
I loved (or is it love?) him beyond anything in the world. I loved him enough I would be destroyed for him, be it myself or the world, or anything that existed upon all Planes. My love did destroy me. I fell dead before him, dead before I hit the ground. Sightless eyes stared at him as my body thudded to the ground, as I could not bear to close them and not see him at least for the briefest of moments. I could not even tell him I loved him before I died.
And to what use was it?
Balder fell only a little after me. My sacrifice only gave him a precious bit of time on the Material Planes and he fell to the Abysses. And I never saw him again.
"Falling into endless heaven,
Falling through the air without wings,
I know it's all hopeless,
The ground is coming close,
But no, no- I cannot fall…"
"Fenrir?"
"Hm?"
"What happens to dead gods?"
"I would not know. But we die, according to the Norns. We may be gods, but we are not immortal. We never will be."
Balder sighed softly, one hand running through his golden hair. "Will it be Hel's realm we go to then? Away from the sun and the sky and the forests and the sea? I don't ever want that to happen, Fenrir. I don't want to die…"
"You won't die, Balder. You're too beautiful, too wonderful… Hel won't let you in because if you die… everything on Earth will cry for you. Every god, every man, every element, every spirit, they will weep for you and flood Hel's house and sweep you out to bring you back to this Earth that loves you and to which you belong."
"Would you cry for me, Fenrir?"
"Silly boy…" the Wolf God smiled softly at him, before reaching playfully to tangle a hand in those beautiful golden locks and tugging lightly. "Of course I would."
"It's been so long,
Wonder if these memories are even true,
Are they dreams of a waking sleeper?
Does this mean I will never have you?"
It seemed like the briefest of moments from the time I died to the time I was reborn. But I remember, as though recalling feverish dreams after waking from a long illness, I remember dimly. I remember dreaming of Balder's fall, Freya's betrayal. I remember swimming from the abyss from which my soul was entrapped and seeking out a shell of a body, a body filled with magic and courage, a body that would grow strong and beautiful, a body worthy of a god…
Mortals are so frail… I would not have chosen the form of a little girl originally for my purpose, for girls are too fragile, especially the mages. Fragile, prone to so many illnesses and weaknesses. But I somehow… I ended up choosing the form of one. The child's infant soul could not survive in this far too delicate, almost elfin form that was fast becoming a deformed corpse, pitiful and beautiful and grotesque all at the same time.
Even then, as I surveyed this twisted child, not fully formed in the womb and already without the intricate systems humans needed to live, I knew that this was the form I needed, was best suited for. The infant soul I ferried personally to a safer place, to a paradise I somehow knew existed, but never went into, and in its place, I took the body, reforming its features, restoring beauty and vitality, sleeping until I was born again, into a world of sensation, pain, pleasure, and light…
"Eyes meet across time,
I know, inside my heart, that it's you.
Your voice may be different, your face
A stranger's mask,
But I know it's you- always."
Words cannot describe the moment I saw Balder again. The Rune Knight Chaos was not Balder in face or countenance. He had none of Balder's grace, beauty, delicacy, or heart-deep compassion and love. His eyes blazed with sorrow and anger, anticipation and desire, intense, violent emotions that were totally distant from Balder's, who was like water, slow to tempest but quick to quiet, passionate only in the softer emotions, the emotions of thought and contemplation, not action and violence. He was too brash, too fiery, not gentle and thoughtful, kind and loving. His hair was not the shining gold of Balder's silken locks but bright crimson, like blood.
But I knew that he was Balder from the beginning.
I was a maiden in the shell I had resigned myself to and Chaos was not an unattractive man. Of course my heart thudded and blood flowed to my cheeks upon seeing him. But it was beyond that physical attraction, for my very soul recognized him, my essence thrilled to be next to him, to see him again. I knew that it was destiny as the world slowed, as I found my love again.
I threw all decorum and manners, all tranquility and dignity, right out the figurative window and threw myself at him, wrapping him in an enormous embrace, with all the strength I could muster, for I was no larger than him, or even his size. For the briefest of moments, I felt him relax, embrace me in this new smaller, frailer body. That gave me hope.
But whatever hope I would receive would be fast diminished as he stiffened and pushed me away, anger and surprise in his voice and face.
"Who the hell are you!"
I do not believe anything else, from frost giants' clubs and fire demons' swords, had hurt me more than those few, angry words.
"Falling into endless heaven,
Falling through the air without wings,
I know it's all hopeless,
The ground is coming close,
But no, no- I cannot fall…
"Don't cry for me,
I don't cry,
For I must,
My heart is in your hand
Now it's only dust
Falling through this darkness-
Is death the only one I trust?
"Falling into endless heaven,
Falling through the air without wings,
I know it's all hopeless,
The ground is coming close,
But no, no- I cannot fall…
And I know the battle's lost,
The moment I saw her face,
I know I had no chance
In love no second place."
I don't believe anyone knew the pain I felt each day when I traveled with him, the deep-rooted sorrow within my heart. I had grown too efficient in hiding my emotions from the world. It was dangerous for a warlock to be emotional, all of my teachers scolded as I learned from them, as I evoked spells and rituals that summoned forces beyond all imagination. Emotion disturbed the stability needed to cast all spells, not to mention the enormous control it took to use words of power, no matter how simple it seemed to the observer.
I let the pain settle in my heart, for now I realized, as I had become a new person, my personality not the Wolf God's, even if my soul was Fenrir's, so had Balder. He was no longer "Balder," as I was no longer "Fenrir." Still, my soul yearned for him, through that bond we had had for so long, had cherished so deeply. There was hope, after all. Perhaps despite the changes within him, we could love each other again, for I had changed as well. Fenris even did not mind very much, for Chaos was a very attractive man, powerful in his own right as a Knight.
But that part of me that was human, was separate from the Wolf God, knew it was to no avail.
The woman's intuition, it seemed, already knew that things were doomed from the start, for she recognized the looks Iris and Chaos shared, how much they fought for each other, protecting each other with the best of their abilities. They were a team already, she with her magic, he with his sword. I was an interloper, only to struggle to find a niche within their partnership, settling for the unusual element, their backup, so to speak, for I was a warlock, after all, not limited to clerical spells, like Iris. It was awkward, fighting as a rather motley team. But I found my place eventually with them, and even found a sense of camaraderie in being with them, easing an ache that I had never quite realized. An ache that was human and sometimes god (though they fervently deny it) that wished for companionship, for others.
But each night I stared up at the sky until I could no longer keep my eyes open. And wished I could howl like the wolf.
"But I cannot fall
When I have no choice
I can only save myself,
No knight in shining armor
You have your lovely princess,
Your angel in the dark
And what do I have?
Nothing,
Just a murderer, a killer of souls.
Falling into endless heaven,
Falling through the air without wings,
I know it's all hopeless,
The ground is coming close,
But no, no- I cannot fall…"
Loki was a strangest human I had ever had the courtesy of meeting, in my tenure as God and as woman. How could a human be so cold, so emotionless? I admit I had my reservations when he joined our group, especially of his grim declaration of his own agenda. He was a cool presence, never complaining, never speaking when unneeded. His green eyes were like glass, empty, blank, and revealing utterly nothing. As our little group melded together, like the tales written of Midgar, of seeming heroes, we learned about each other and it seemed… ourselves as well.
Chaos learned to find immense strength, strength he never knew he did, as well as counsel within himself, not to mention to take more faith within the metaphysical of the world, that providence is not necessarily a curse.
Iris learned of her own strength as well, of her abilities beyond aiding Chaos, but she also knew that curse that besieges the innocent, that realization of a truth, not necessarily the truth, of the world that proves that not all is always goodness and light, that the world is never a happy place for all.
Loki… I cannot tell what he learned, but in my arrogance, I can freely admit with the wisdom of two lives that he learned of lives beyond the assassin's robe. Pain is part of the world and no matter what he does, he cannot escape it, no matter how hard he tries to flee or shield himself from it. Perhaps what soul that once existed within him can rise from its winter slumber and awake to spring.
For once winter's snows melt, spring comes.
As for me? I cannot tell. The Wolf God has become human, transcended the level of a god, for as much as gods are mortal, they never will truly understand their dominions through the eyes of humans. But I believe that I have learned that… destiny is never what I believed it to be. Chaos, in battling the Fates, has me realize that no story is always fully written from the start. Nothing is ever neatly ended, for bonds can be broken and remade.
In my heart I know that I have lost Balder forever.
That moment of lucidity seems to come at the most ridiculous of times. The airship has shattered and the passengers have escaped with most of the crew. In my arrogance, I jumped to the side ports to battle their air invaders, only to have the reactor explode without warning, shattering the ship across the middle, splintering it like so much firewood.
We are too high for any of my spells to work. Not even a warlock is immune from heights. For all my skills, not even my weapons and words of power can protect me from a fall that will send me into an earth that can shatter the body of a god, much less this frail human flesh shell.
It feels… odd, for all time seems to slow. I am in midair, all of this in my mind, seconds passing like so many centuries in my mind. It is the same sin that took me in front of Balder: Pride. Pride in my abilities, my skills, my love! Sins of the father shall be passed to the son.
I want to close my eyes because I don't want to bring terror to my mind, render myself into a babbling witless animal as death comes inch by inch for me, inexorable as a geas, as a waiting incubus. I want to feel this surreal sensation of the wind upon my face and hair, whipping my robes and battering my hands with slaps of dry cold. I want to remember this and not cry as I go to death, because this time I have to go with some salvageable dignity.
Chaos, Balder, I wish I could have…
But suddenly, an iron grip is on my wrist and I look up. Loki, balancing precariously himself on the remains of the railing, holds on for dear life though does not let go of me and would not, that grip not budging. How ironic! An assassin saving life! But my life was always filled with ironies and strange turns, was it not? Once again, time seemed to slow as I realize numbly just what was happening, staring into his face with what I was sure was a look of utter bewilderment and vacuity.
"What are you staring at?" Loki asks, cold voice somehow slicing through the howling of the wind as we fall through the air to meet the once loving Earth in a deadly impact. His eyes aren't cold, blank, shining, empty pools of finest steel rippled with blue. They were alive, even as those cold words pierced the air. Somehow… through some quirk of his eyes, some shift of his lips, he looks- concerned? And for a moment, I feel warm, as though I had walked through winter and felt spring again.
Brusquely, he says, "Hurry, we have no time to lose." He hauls me up onto the broken deck without another word.
My body worked mindlessly at that point to save all of us, chanting spells and bracing for impact. But that moment lingered, like the scent of Balder's favorite perfume after he left the room, letting a spring blossom in my heart, at least for this part in our journey.
"I cannot fall into sky or air
I cannot go to death
A dark man saved me,
His face ever shadowed…
Spring comes after winter…
And I can only walk on."
A/N: Before you go out to look up the title of the song in hopes of buying its CD (-flattering myself-), you won't find it. Because this song is an original, written by moi. Inspired by a fit of madness at Barnes & Noble near the manga section, I listened to one too many romance ballads while rereading Ragnarok. The scene with the airship always caught me, because in many ways, it seemed she was ready to die but yet, regretting how she spent her life on earth. And when Loki caught her… I don't know if the artist messed up on inking, but definite human emotion was on his face. His eyes were softer and he almost had a smile on his face. A small one, more a quirk than anything else, but a noticeable change in his usual stoic demeanor. I think this means a shift in the plot, as Fenris will perhaps realize that she is a different person from the Wolf God (a theory I firmly believe) and slowly grow to become her own person, as well as defrost Loki on the way and have both of them heal what wounds still afflict their hearts.
Fenris Fenrir is one of my favorite characters in all manga, especially female, but also male. She is powerful, she is smart, she kicks ass, and she's hot. Though Myung-Jin Lee does not focus on her as the story progresses, choosing to tell the story from an omniscient point of view focusing on Chaos as the protagonist, she has a wealth of rich character detail. She is not necessarily the dreamy mystic, especially in becoming Chaos's "guide" to his "destiny," because she's so very human, with human desires and ambition. But she also transcends humanity to a level because of her awareness of her former life. She is a very giving person, though a little removed from things, as well as deeply empathic, from her willingness to take Iris under her wing and protection of innocents in magical battles. And she's not perfect. She loves Chaos or rather, Balder, with all her heart and it destroys her to see that he loves Iris. She knows the battle is already lost but she still fights, perhaps because of the Wolf God, which adds the element of tragedy to her character. She's a passionate character, despite being the seemingly perfect person in being beautiful and powerful as well as helping the group dynamic.
Warlocks rock!