Needles and pins
Can I possibly feel more awful? I mean I am sure I can. If I try really hard then I am sure that I could feel more awful then I do right now. I would need to try really hard but I can't let myself believe that HE has so much power over me to make me feels this way. I just can't understand all of this any more. Everything is just a big fat mess. How did I get myself into this? How? I have not the faintest clue.
When everything started it seemed so random, so minor. His friendship was nice, he was cute enough. But I never expected that this would come out of it. Never. I never expected him to be sitting in the middle of my heart. Sitting there taunting me, making fun of me. But he is there. Inside of me. He is in my head, he is in my heart. He is there and he just refuses to leave. It doesn't matter how often I hit his physical presents in front of me. It doesn't matter how often I yell, how often I push him away. He is there. Always. And he never shuts up. I wish I knew how to get rid of him but I have just no clue.
I never felt this way. And I would lie to say that I like feeling this way. I am not a guy for fussy, pink, warm cotton wool romantics. I don't like that. Emotions are not my friend. Most of the time they are negative anyway. Hate, anger, aggression, sometimes fear. Yeah, I know these guys. But all this feelings coming with him are so unusual for me. The only people I deeply care for are my kids. Not even Cheryl goes really under my skin. If I would need to I would sell her for the right amount of money or some juicy information. Don't get me wrong. I love her in a way but then again she is the reason for some other things that went wrong in my life and how can I love something that took something so precious from me once before.
But with him it is different. I know that he fears me in a way. But he is still brave enough to speak his mind. He might shiver, might cry but he still has the guts to say what needs saying. In a way he is much more brave than I am. Unbelievable but true. He offered me a life with him. A proper life. And hell I would have loved to say yes in a way. Just quiet the person I am. Amy Barnes asked me once what I see when I look into a mirror. Believe me, it is not pleasant. But then again I don't know anything else. It was always like that. It doesn't mean that I like this face which looks back from the mirror. So running away with him like two stupid school kids would have had his appeal. But then what?
Play happy family with him? Go out with a little doggy and him, hand in hand, all lovey dovey couply? I could never see me in that picture. And I think there it is. The problem itself. The reason why I know that in a way I have to keep away from him. He wants me. He loves me. But he doesn't love me. He loves the picture he has in his mind about me. It is not clear, it is not me. He has this phantasie and this is nothing like reality. If he would see the real me, he would run for the hills. He would. He would never be able to stand a man like me. He is too weak. They all are.
But then again I know all this is not true. All this is the big fake reality I have invented for myself.
He knows me. He knows me better then anyone else. And he loves me, he deeply loves me, no matter what I do. He loves me and takes up with so many things and in return is just asking for so little things back. But how can he love me when I can't even understand what he sees in me?
I can't let him make this mistake. Because...
I …
love...
him...