I Do Not Own Harry Potter

Please remember, this basically a crack!fic, and it's rated M for a reason.

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"So we're agreed," the witch known as Rowena Ravenclaw exclaimed. "I get the students interested in bondage. Helga gets the students that only enjoy plain boring sex," she ignored the glare sent towards her by the blonde in question. "Godric gets the students adventurous try any kind of sex at least once. And Salazar gets the closet homosexuals."

"We can't put it that way, no parent would ever agree to send their students here," Godric pointed out.

Salazar glowered in the corner, but also pointed out, "We also need to figure out a way to sort them. Going through students minds to find out their leanings towards sex is actually rather annoying."

"You're just saying that because girl bits freak you out," Rowena pointed out.

The dark haired man ignored her comment, but Helga spoke up, "He does have a point however."

"I've already figured that out," Godric helpfully exclaimed, setting a familiar hat on the table.

"Godric, why is that ratty thing here?" Rowena demanded, ice in her voice. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see that abomination of fashion again...and you said you burned it."

"Uhhh...I lied," he supplied helpfully.

The fashion conscious witch, and his lover glared at him. "You realize what this means, don't you?"

Godric groaned, "Do I have to?"

'Per our agreement, when one of us lies to the other, the lied to party shall choose what kind of lovemaking we partake in that night," Rowena said, before grinning evilly. "Besides, you know how much I love seeing you chained to the ceiling as I slam into you with a strap-on, occasionally whipping your balls with a crop."

"And yet you still won't let me use a time turner to have a foursome with you," he grumbled.

"I never lie to you," Rowena commented, adding silently in her mind, 'Or at least I haven't been caught.'

"I hate to interrupt this...colorful commentary," Helga said, doing her best to ignore the disturbing images of her two friends rather...adventurous sex life (give her plain old missionary any day, or perhaps doggy-style or girl-on-top but nothing else), "But the Hat?"

"Yes," Godric exclaimed. "The hat will look through a students mind for us, when worn, and determine their sexual preferences, as well as the preferences they'll develop as they age, and sort them into one of our houses. I just need...well, our public reasons for sorting students, not the real ones."

"Well, it takes cunning and guile to hide your sexuality," Salazar admitted reluctantly, even if he'd failed at hiding his from his friends.

"You have to be brave to try some of the things Godric does," Helga supplied.

"Oh hardy har, har," Godric snarked. "It takes loyalty and hard work to stay satisfied with someone as boring as you Helga.

Rowena rolled her eyes. "All of those are fine traits for your houses public virtues," she said, trying to stop the inevitable argument before it broke out. She was silent for a moment before she said, "I suppose it takes knowledge to do Bondage properly, as well as the wisdom needed to know when enough is enough and not cross the line into abuse."

"So we have our public virtues," Salazar commented, "I'll get the cunning, Godric the brave, Helga the hardworking and loyal, and Rowena the knowledgeable and wise"

"Fine," Godric said, waving his wand over the hat. After a few moments the hat glowed blue, and Godric said, "There, the hat will announce our public reasons while sorting the students based on our actual reasons."

"I believe that concludes this meeting," Rowena said, looking over at her friends. "Unless anyone has anything else to discuss before our opening?" When no one replied she said, "in that case, I need to go brew some more lubrication potion for tonight." She smirked over at Godric, "I plan on using Big Blue."

As Rowena left the office, Godric commented, "Oh fuck, I hate Big Blue."

Helga smirked over at her ex-lover. "Still think I'm too boring?"

Godric didn't answer. As much as he enjoyed variety in his sex life, he was seriously contemplating if maybe Helga had the right of it. He didn't mind Rowena's bondage most of the time, hell it could be quite fun at times, but Big Blue would keep him from sitting down with ease for at least three days, even with a pain relief potion.

Then again, at least Rowena was willing to try the various thing he suggested, when she wasn't angry at him and it wasn't two dangerous. And he was pretty sure she secretly enjoyed that time they had a threeway with a centaur. Still...

Shaking his head, Godric picked up the hat and set it on the shelf of the headmasters office.

At least he'd gotten back at her in a way, she'd have to see that hat all the time now, she was the Headmistress after-all.

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Yes, I essentially made the Founders pervs. But it puts a new spin on the students sorted, as well the Hogwarts motto, which is latin for: Never tickle a sleeping dragon.

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