The Devil & Choji Akimichi
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Author's note: As I was working on the next chapter for "Demons of the Leaf," this idea just popped into my head. And everyone knows, if you have a good idea, you need to get it down on something or else it's gone.
Anyone remember that Halloween episode of The Simpsons where Homer sells his soul for a donut? Well, it got me thinking and here's the result. Just a little one-shot story from my Naruto AD series that's meant to make people laugh and not meant to be taken seriously
It was a typical day at the Leaf Village Ninja Academy. Members of the Sasuke Uchiha Fan Club (Both male & female) were stalking the object of their lust. Sasuke himself was sitting at a table, eating his lunch and soaking in the adulation from the people who worshipped him like the god he thought he was.
In other parts of the courtyard, there were others who looked at the self-important Uchiha, but the looks they were giving him were certainly anything but adoration. Shino was with Kiba as they watched Akamaru tear a small Sasuke doll to pieces. Shikamaru was in his usual spot watching clouds. Naruto was sitting under a tree, eating lunch with the Mitarashi sisters. Kin was playing a few tunes on her guitar, Tayuya had her head on Naruto's shoulder while chatting with the Ninetails vessel and Tenten was making numerous paper airplanes…out of explosive tags.
Yep, just another day…until a scream of terror could be heard coming from the locker area.
At his locker, Choji Akimichi frantically pulled things out of his locker, looking for something. Ino walked by as she saw that Choji was about to rip the locker out of the wall.
"Lose something Choji?" Ino asked.
"Ino!" The pleasantly plump boy looked like he was about to have a panic attack as he looked at the platinum blonde girl. "You gotta help me! I've been robbed!"
"Robbed?" Ino asked, looking concerned. "What got stolen?"
"My potato chips!" Choji sobbed. "Who could do such a dastardly thing?"
Ino put her index finger on her chin, as if in thought. "Hmm. Well, come to think of it Choji, I did see a suspicious looking character rummaging through your locker earlier. He pulled out this big plastic red bag."
"My chips!" Choji said as his eyes becoming flames as an angry aura formed around him. "What did this fiend look like?" The large boy growled
Ino tapped her finger on her chin a couple of times. "Well, he was roughly your height and weight."
Choji growled as his fists were clenched so tight, he was starting to draw blood. Whoever this guy was, he needed to undergo and horrendous, nightmare inducing beating. "What else?"
"He had long reddish brown hair. He had these swirly marks on his cheeks. Sort of cute actually."
"Trust me, he won't be so cute after I'm done with him. Anything else?" Choji snapped.
"He was wearing brown shorts, a shirt with his family crest on the front, a green jacket and scarf wrapped around his neck." Ino said, describing the food thief.
"That's all I need to know!" Choji said with murder in eyes. "When I get my hands on that thieving lard butt, I'll…I'll…" Choji stopped in his tracks and turned back to Ino with a look of confusion. "Ino, this food thief you just described sounds a lot like me."
"That's because it was you Choji." Ino said. "You ate it after your first class. You emptied that jumbo sized bag of chips by the time you got to the trash can a few lockers down from yours. Remember?"
Choji just blinked for a moment before he suddenly realized that he did indeed eat the bag of chips that was his lunch after his first period class. To this, Choji put his face in his hands and groaned. Ino just sighed at her friend.
"Cheer up Choji. Look, I got some celery and carrot sticks if you want some." Ino offered
"No thanks Ino. I appreciate it though." Choji said. Ino just patted her friend on his shoulder.
"Come on. Maybe Shikamaru has some extra he can give you." Ino said.
"Alright, I'll be right there." Choji said, looking at the mess he made. "Just let me clean all this up." Ino smiled at the plump boy and walked off.
After picking up everything and putting it back in his locker, Choji sighed at the fact the spectacle he just made, in front of Ino no less. His considerable stomach suddenly growled at it's state of emptiness. The pleasantly plump young man made his way towards the vending machine down the hall…only to see that it was out of order.
Choji groaned in despair. "I will sell my soul for jumbo bag of BBQ Potato Chips."
"Oh, I believe that can be arranged." Said a female voice that was strangely familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time.
Suddenly, a column of flames sprouted through the floor. When it cleared up, there stood Hinata…or at least Choji thought it was Hinata. She wasn't wearing her coat, but she was wearing black high heel boots, skin tight black leather pants, and a red and black corset that seemed to enhance her hourglass figure and make her already impressive bust look bigger.
But what stood out in Choji's mind right now were the black tail that was wrapped around Hinata's waist like a belt, the small black wings sprouting out of her upper back and the pair of horns growing out of her head. That and the fact that the Hyuga girl was holding a mean-looking trident.
"Hinata?" Choji asked, blinking.
"The one and only." Hinata said, no longer sounding like the shy and stuttering girl that everyone knew, but rather like a succubus with a voice like dark silk.
"Um, Hinata? What's with the evil demon girl look?" Choji asked, part of him thinking that this was one big genjutsu, but somehow, he knew it wasn't.
Hinata just curled her red lips into a rather predatory grin. "First of all Choji, I'm not an evil demon girl…I'm the Devil."
Choji just blinked, not quite believing what he just heard. "You? You're the devil?"
"I know, it's always the one you least suspect." Hinata said, clearly amused. She noticed that Choji still wasn't buying into it. "I suppose you need further proof then."
With that, another column of fire engulfed Hinata. When it dissipated, instead of the indigo haired girl was a seven foot tall humanoid goat demon with black fur and various bit of jewelry on it's person.
Choji screamed in horror as he fell backward. The goat demon was then engulfed in flames again as it changed back into Hinata.
"I would run around like that, but I think it's a little too overly dramatic. Plus, this form is a lot more pleasing to the eyes and makes doing business a lot easier, don't you agree?" Hinata smirked.
"Okay, okay. I believe you. You're the Devil. What do you want with me?" Choji asked, ready to run like hell.
"Choji, Choji, Choji." Hinata said as she shook her head. "Have you forgotten already?"
Before Choji could ask what she meant, Hinata snapped her fingers. A jumbo-size bag of BBQ flavored potato chip suddenly appeared in her hand. Any and all fear Choji felt instantly disappeared as Hinata waved the bag of chips like a hypnotist waving a watch in front of someone.
"Allow me to refresh your highly rustic memory. You said you would sell your soul for a jumbo bag of BBQ Chips." Hinata said. She snapped her fingers again and a scroll & pen appeared. "It can be yours. All I need is your signature on this contract to make it official."
Choji looked at the scroll, only to see that it was blank. "Uh, Hinata? There's nothing written here."
"I prefer to keep things simple. Helps move things along faster." Hinata said. "Now before you sign that contract, I need to let you know about the possible consequences and the ramifications about selling your soul and…" Hinata didn't get to finish as Choji handed the scroll back to her and snatched the bag of potato chips. Hinata looked at the scroll to see that Choji signed his name at the bottom. The Hyuga Devil smiled evilly as she pocketed the scroll.
"Now bear in mind Choji. Once all the chips in that bag have been eaten, your soul…" Hinata began to explain, but once again she stopped as she noticed that the big-boned boy was on the final potato chip. "…is mine." Hinata said, grinning.
Before Choji could eat the final chip, he stopped and looked at it. "Wait a second." Choji said, taking the chip away from his mouth and looking at Hinata. "So basically…as long as I don't eat this chip…you don't get my soul, do you?"
Hinata's smile instantly transformed into a look of shock as she could not believe that she, the Princess of Darkness, had just been duped by Choji Akimichi of all people.
"Um, well." Hinata clearly was not ready for this type of situation. "Technically no, but.."
That was all Choji needed to hear. He instantly began to break out into a celebratory dance and a chant of "I outsmarted the Devil! I outsmarted the Devil!"
As Choji was doing this, he didn't notice that Hinata's expression had changed to that of annoyance.
"Are you quite done?" She asked in a calm voice.
Choji stopped his dancing and chanted. "Yeah. Nothing personal by the way Hinata."
"No problem." Hinata said with a small smile. "Now remember Choji. Once that chip is eaten, you soul becomes a possession of mine." Hinata turned to walk away. "Well, I must be going. Tsunade of the Sannin just said she would sell her soul for a bottle of sake. Oh and Choji, there's one more thing I need to tell you." The Hyuga girl said with a sweet sounding voice.
"What's that?" Choji asked
The next thing he knew, Hinata grabbed him by his scarf and lifted him off the ground with one hand. Her once lavender eyes changed into a vibrant blood red and judging from her expression, she was pissed.
"Let's get one thing straight. YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! UNDERSTAND?" Hinata roared in an evil tone.
Choji rapidly nodded his head up and down. Hinata then released the boy, who landed on his behind.
"Good." Hinata said, her voice and eyes returning to normal. "That being said, see you soon." And with that, the Hyuga Devil disappeared in a blast of fire, leaving a frightened Choji on the ground.
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"Okay Choji, let me see if I have this straight." Shikamaru said. He, Ino and Choji were sitting at a table in the academy courtyard. "You were so desperate for a bag of chips that you actually said that you would sell your soul to have one, right?"
Choji nodded in response.
"And as soon as you said that, Hinata Hyuga, the shyest, most timid girl on the planet, appeared before you and said that she was the Devil, as in Satan, Lucifer, the big red guy, or in this case, big red girl downstairs, and she said that she would give you the bag of chips that you wanted if you gave her your soul. Am I right so far?" Shikamaru continued.
"Yep." Choji said in a small voice.
"So, you ate all the chips in that bag except for one. And as long as you don't eat that last chip, Hinata, or the Devil, doesn't get your soul. Is that the long and short of it?" Ino asked.
"Pretty much, that's the story." Choji said, holding the final potato chip as if it were his lifeline. "Right now this potato chip is the only thing that's standing between me and eternal damnation. I must resist temptation, for if I don't, I will forever burn in the fires of Hell!"
Ino and Shikamaru just looked at their friend like he just lost his mind. "Uh, Choji?" Ino said, getting the chubby boy's attention. "You know, my dad is a licensed psychotherapist and when he's not working with the Interrogation department, he does take patients. Maybe I can see if he can pencil you in."
"Are saying I'm crazy, Ino?" Choji asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, no, not at all Choji." Ino said nervously. "Batshit insane is a lot more accurate." She added mentally.
"Of course I'm not crazy! All I have to do is not eat this all too forbidden potato chip and I'll never fall into the clutches of that she-devil!" Choji said
"Oh really? Aren't you always saying that the last of any kind of food is the one to be savored the most?" A familiar female voice could be heard.
"Who said that?" Choji asked, wildly looking around.
"Who said what?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.
"So you say you can resist temptation forever, eh Choji? Bear in mind that forever has this nasty tendency to be a very long time." The voice that only Choji seemed to hear could be heard again. This time, he recognized the voice and knew who it belonged to.
"Hinata! It's Hinata! She's toying with me!" Choji screamed. At this point, all eyes were on the Akimichi boy. Even Sasuke's fan club looked away from the Uchiha to look at Choji.
"Look at the chip, Choji." Hinata's voice said. "Look at it's perfect shape. The amount of BBQ flavor coating it. Once you eat it, you'll experience an explosion of flavor the likes of which you have never experienced."
"An explosion of flavor…" Choji said. His mouth started to water, but then he shook his head. "NO! You're not going to tempt me!" The plump boy screamed at the chip. By this time, everyone in the area began to slowly back away.
"Come now Choji. Don't you know the best way to get rid of temptation is to simply give into it? So spare yourself the agony and eat the chip." Hinata said.
The hand holding the chip started to move towards Choji's mouth, which was slowly beginning to open. But then Choji's other hand clamped onto the chip hand and forced it away from his mouth. "You won't beat me! I have willpower!"
"He's got some kind of power alright." Tayuya said. "But willpower sure is hell ain't it."
"And people call us odd." Tenten pointed out, making another paper airplane out of an explosive tag.
Meanwhile, Choji's antics attracted more people, including a few teachers. Asuma among them. He saw Choji engaged in what appeared to be a fierce arm wrestling match with himself. He carefully made his way toward Shikamaru and Ino.
"Okay, before anyone tells me what the hell's going on, answer me this: Do I want to know?" Asuma asked Shikamaru.
"No, you don't. Ignorance is bliss after all." Shikamaru answered.
"Besides, you wouldn't believe us even if we told you." Ino added.
Naruto and his girlfriends watched Choji from their vantage point. "Okay, I have no idea what the hell is happening here, but 500 yen says that potato chip beats Choji."
"How the hell does a potato chip beat someone?" Tayuya asked the Ninetails vessel.
"I don't know, but from where I sit, it looks like that chip's possessed his hand and it wants to be eaten." Kin hypothesized.
"Do you have any idea how stupid that just sounded, Kin?" Tayuya said, giving her sister a look. "A potato chip possessing someone's hand? I suppose the next thing you're going to say is that he has a parasite in his hand?"
"How did you know that?" Kin asked
"Who the hell ever heard of a parasite inside someone's hand?" Tayuya asked. At that very moment, across the Multiverse, in another dimension, on a different planet Earth, a regal man wearing an overly large fedora and a very long sword, riding on a cyborg horse suddenly sneezed violently.
"Coming down with something, D? I thought dhampirs were immune to common illnesses?" Came a voice that belonged to a face that was on the palm of the man's left hand.
"Be silent, or I'll slice you off at the wrist." D said as he tried to shake the feeling that someone just did the cha-cha on his grave.
Meanwhile, the scene with Choji fighting with himself continued. "Okay, so basically we're betting on whether or not Choji eats that potato chip." Tenten observed. "And that's a bet how exactly?"
"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.
"We all know it's going to happen. Choji can't resist eating potato chips. That's like betting on Stone Cold Steve Austin drinking a beer. It's guaranteed to happen." The bun-haired girl pointed out.
"Good point." Naruto admitted. "Okay, how about this? 500 yen says he lasts about two more minutes before the chip gets eaten. Is that a better wager?"
"Much better." Tenten said, pulling out a 1,000 yen note. "A thousand yen says one minute."
"You're on!" Naruto said, shaking Tenten's hand.
"Same here!" Tayuya said, pulling out a note of her own. Kin did the same.
"Hey, mind if we get a piece of that action." Kiba said as he and Shino walked over.
"Come on Choji, just hold out a little longer!" Naruto shouted
"Eat up Akimichi! You know you want to!" Tenten yelled
"Yes Choji." Hinata's said evilly. "You know you want to. Eat the chip and take your place among the damned."
"NO!" Choji yelled, struggling as the hand that held the forbidden chip seemed to have a will of it's own. Some of the other students were cheering for him as half were hoping that he would resist, while the other half were chanting for him to simply devour the chip
"Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!"
"Yes Choji, eat it! Even your friends want you to." Hinata taunted. "How much longer can you withstand the urge to partake of that glorious sweet and sour taste combined with a whisper of hickory smoke? Besides, you were the one who called upon me. You were the one willing to part with his soul for a measly bag of chips."
Choji was down on the ground, struggling with his chip holding hand. Deep down, he knew Hinata was right.
"Of course I'm right." Hinata said, sounding triumphant. "So why prolong the inevitable and simply end this now. Eat the chip…and hurry it up already, will you. I have to shove a pineapple up Hitler's ass in fifteen minutes."
By this time, Choji was wore out. The Hyuga Devil girl was right. He was the one who foolishly offered his soul to simply have a bag of chips. Hinata fulfilled her end of the deal, so now, he had to man up and fulfill his. Choji let go of his arm and brought the chip towards his mouth.
"Get ready to pay up." Tenten said to Naruto.
Just as Choji was about to eat the chip and seal his fate, a small white blur zoomed past Choji's face and snatched the chip. The pleasantly plump boy blinked and looked to his left to see none other than Akamaru with the forbidden chip in his mouth. The small puppy then ate the chip and barked happily.
"Akamaru." Choji said, with tears in his eyes. "You just ate that chip…and along with it, my soul. You…you…"
Suddenly, Choji had an epiphany. "Wait a second." The tears on his face instantly forgotten as realization dawned on him. "Hinata said once I finished the chips, then I would go to hell. But since Akamaru ate the last chip and not me, that means…" A huge smile broke out on Choji's face as he raised his fist in the air and let out a loud whoop.
As Choji danced around like he just won the lottery, everyone sweat dropped. The students that bet on Choji lasting around a minute collected their winnings.
"Once again, the great Choji Akimichi of the proud Akimichi clan has triumphed over the forces of evil. That being said, there's only one thing do now. I outsmarted the Devil! I outsmarted the Devil!" Choji chanted as he danced around.
"Should we stop him?" Ino asked Shikamaru.
"No." Shikamaru replied. "And if anyone asks, we don't know him."
Choji continued his happy dance and chanting of how he was smarter than the ruler of Hell. Someone should have taught him not to tempt fate, because it was at that moment that several areas of the courtyard exploded as great pillars of flame erupted from the ground. Everyone ran to avoid the fire, while the teachers held their ground and ready to defend against any threat.
When he thought no one was looking, Asuma walked over to one of the pillars and used it to light a cigarette.
The ground began to quake around where Choji was standing. A moment later, something large burst through the ground a few feet from where Choji was. Once the dust cleared, it was revealed is a giant hellish throne. And sitting in it was none other than Hinata in her demonic glory. Choji meanwhile was trying to sneak away when Hinata's voice stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Oh Choji." Hinata said, her voice sounding a little too sweet. The boy in question slowly turned around. He had a look a complete terror on his face that was also thoroughly drained of color.
"Uh, yes?" Choji said in a very small voice. Hinata got up off her throne and slowly walked towards the petrified Akimichi.
"What did I tell you earlier? About your intelligence being compared to mine?" Hinata asked in a calm voice.
Choji gulped nervously as he felt his heart was ready to burst out of his chest. "Yes. I'm not smarter than you, right?"
"Very good." Hinata said as if congratulating a child who just did something right.
As this was going on, everyone looked on in shock as they saw for themselves that Hinata Hyuga, a girl everyone thought was the very personification of shyness, was actually the personification of evil. Of course everyone had a different reaction.
"Choji was right!" Ino said, shocked by this revelation. "Hinata really is the Devil!"
"Yeah, I always thought it was Naruto or one of his crazy girlfriends." Shikamaru said.
"Whoa, so that's what Hinata's been hiding under that coat all this time." Kiba said as small trickles of blood ran from his nose. Shino just stayed silent.
"So this is the part-time gig Hinata said she has going." Naruto said
"I wonder if she needs assistants." Tayuya wondered aloud.
Sakura and some of the other girls in Sasuke's Fan Club looked at a certain part of Hinata's body with envy…two parts actually. Then they looked down at themselves.
"Life's so unfair." Sakura muttered.
"Humph." Everyone's 'favorite' ninja who thinks WAY too highly of himself snorted. Not surprising, he was not impressed. "The Hyuga girl is the Devil? She's completely undeserving of such power."
"That's right!" Sakura said. "Sasuke would make a great Prince of Darkness." Some of the other girls had no problem picturing the Uchiha ruling over Hell. Sadly for all of them, Sasuke included, Hinata heard all of this and snapped her fingers. The Uchiha and his fans disappeared in a burst of flames.
"Whoa." Naruto said, clearly impressed. "I gotta get her to teach me that."
"Now Choji." Hinata said as she faced the doomed Akimichi. "Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life."
"But…but, I didn't eat the last chip! It was that little mutt!" Choji cried, pointing at Akamaru, who had the canine equivalent of the 'What the Fuck?' look on his face as he had no idea what was going on. "You said once I finished the bag of chips, then you'd get my soul. But since I didn't finish it, shouldn't that mean I don't go to hell?"
Hinata let out a small laugh that was completely without humor. "Choji, Choji, Choji. I said no such thing. I said once all the chips had been eaten, then I would get your soul. I never once said that YOU had to be the one to eat all the chips."
"But…" Choji began
"Silence!" Hinata said, using her demonic voice as her eyes began to glow red. A sudden gust of wind blew through the courtyard. "It is now time for your judgment, Choji Akimichi!"
The ground around Choji began to crack until a large hole appeared in the middle of the courtyard. From what some people could see, the hole was a swirling vortex of damned souls. Choji suddenly felt a powerful force pulling him towards the hole.
Just as Choji was about to get sucked into the hole, he made the hand signs for one of his signature jutsu.
"Body Expansion Jutsu! Human Boulder!" With that, Choji's body expanded to make him look like a giant round ball. He was so big, he actually managed to plug the hole, basically becoming a human cork. Choji sighed in relief. Hinata on the other hand, was not amused.
"Oh no you don't!" Hinata growled. "If you actually think that wide-load ass of yours will save you this time, think again!" The Hyuga Devil girl pointed at the ground and the hell hole began to expand, sucking Choji downward.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Choji screamed as he was dragged downward to his fate.
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"NOOOO!" Choji yelled as he shot up in a cold sweat. Looking around, he suddenly noticed that he was in his bedroom, lying in his bed.
"It was a dream…just a dream." Choji realized as his racing pulse began to slow down. Laughing nervously, the pleasantly plump boy fainted.
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The next day, Choji made his way towards the Academy. He looked and felt like hell. Along the way, he passed by a store that he frequented for snacks. At the very moment he passed the front door, out walked none other than Hinata Hyuga. She was carrying a bag of food.
"Oh, good morning Choji." Hinata greeted the boy cheerfully.
"EEEEPPPP! I mean, um, go…good morning, Hinata! Lovely day, isn't it?" Choji said, more than a little nervous. Even though he knew what he experienced last night was one messed-up dream, he was still a little weary of the Hyuga girl.
"Yes, it is." Hinata said, answering Choji's question. She then took a good look at him. "Are you feeling alright, Choji? You don't look well."
"Oh, uh…just a little trouble sleeping, that's all. Nothing to worry about. I'm fine, really." Choji said a little quickly.
"Well, here. Maybe this will help." Hinata said, reaching into the bag and pulling out something. To Choji's horror, it was a bag of BBQ potato chips. Choji had to resist the urge to scream and run like hell. Instead, he stood there and began to sweat profusely.
"Um..no thank you, Hinata. That's very kind of you, but Ino's been after me about eating more healthy. Plus, I think it's time for me to lay off the junk food. Thanks for the offer, but I really need to get going. See you around." Choji said before taking off like a bullet towards the academy, leaving Hinata alone for a moment.
The door to the store slid open as Hinata's little sister, Hanabi, walked out to join her. "Wow." The little Hyuga girl blinked. "Never thought I'd see the day when Choji says no to free chips."
"It's for the best." Hinata said, putting the chips back in the bag.
"Are you sure it was wise to simply let him go, big sister?" Hanabi asked as she and Hinata walked down the street..
"What can I say, he's far too nice of a person to spend eternity in Hell. Not like the Uchiha and his groupies." Hinata said, her voice taking a sinister edge at the mention of Sasuke. "Did you wipe everyone's memories, Hanabi?"
"Of course. Either everyone will think it was a dream or they won't remember a thing." Hanabi informed her sister. "While we're talking about Sas-gay, where did you send him and his little crew?
"Somewhere appropriate." Hinata said with a smile. "I put them all in the dream room where they are living out their worst nightmares. For the fan club, they are dreaming they are in a world where Sasuke is an overweight, out of work bum living in Naruto's shadow. They started screaming after about a minute, which is surprising to me as I expected them to crack a lot sooner than that.
"And the Uchiha?" Hanabi asked, having a feeling that she was going to like the answer.
"Simple." Hinata said. "He's trapped alone in a world full of Naruto fan girls, and he has no powers, no chakra, no nothing."
"Ooo, that's harsh. We have the recorders going, right?" Hanabi asked.
"We'll watch the video when we get home." Hinata said with an evil smile on her face.