The NFC Files

A/N: Okay, so this is an idea I've been playing with during the past few weeks. If it doesn't catch on, I won't continue, so...tell me what you think! Unabashedly inspired by the marvelous Canon Keepers series by JealousOfTheMoon, which can be found in the C.S. Lewis category. I do not own NUMB3RS, Hamlet, or SpongeBob.

Case One: Amber-Keila Rosetti

8:01 AM – NFC Headquarters. Room 15B-06

Megan Reeves, former FBI agent, marched into Her Office, still basking in the excitement of her first day of work with the NUMB3RS Fanfiction and Canon Organization

This NUMB3RS Fanfiction and Canon Organization (NFC) was a highly specialized organization that enforced the canonical practice of fanfiction. They were in a partnership with the fictional FBI of NUMB3RS, and commanded the same respect from characters and authors as the FBI themselves. Since they operated in a nice, twenty-floor office building situated between the FBI headquarters and the California Institute of Science, Megan would be seeing plenty of Don, Charlie, and all her former coworkers. (So much for her emotional exit at the end of the fourth season.)

For a Monday morning, Megan felt quite cheerful. It was always a refreshing experience, starting a new job. She admired Her Office's classy décor, spectacular view of the L.A. skyline, and exceptionally large mahogany desk. she was Retired From the Canon, and an honorary Great Heroine, so she had the privilege of a luxurious office.

No sooner had she taken her seat at her desk than a young lady walked in, informed Megan that she was Ashley, her secretary and personal assistant, and asked if Megan would like coffee or anything else.

Megan was soon sipping a latte, testing her fancy ergonomic keyboard with a gel wrist pad, and listening to classical music on a very high-end set of headphones (courtesy of the higher-ups.)

She could get very used to this.

With a relaxed smile, she picked up the first file waiting on her desk, and thus began her happy workday as an NFC agent.

8:12 AM

But if Megan were entitled to a perfectly happy workday, the story would be over; this is NFC, after all, and sooner or later a Mary-Sue or otherwise offensive character must enter and wreck the day of a poor NFC agent.

To that end, a girl now entered Megan's office.

Megan, who still had Debussy blaring in her ears (if Debussy can blare) didn't notice as the girl sat down across from Megan's desk and began sorting through a sheaf of papers in her hand. When Megan finally looked up and noticed her visitor, she calmly let out a piercing shriek.

The visitor was so badly startled that she also shrieked (though Megan heard, even through her headphones, that this shriek was much more piercing) and toppled backwards, along with the chair she was sitting in.

Megan gasped, ripped the headphones away, and stood up. "Oh, my Lord, I'm so – are you all right?"

The girl popped to her feet (somehow,) not bothering to right the chair that her fall had brought down. With a brilliant and scary smile, she held out her papers. "hI, liek, Im aplyign 4 a jOB as an OC!!1!"

"Um..." Megan gasped when she realized that the girl was bleeding from the head – but it wasn't the sight of the blood that made her stomach do a nauseated backflip.

It was the color of the blood – sparkly pink.

A Mary-Sue! She was finally looking at a Mary-Sue in person, and it was terrifying! Megan's immediate instinct was to pull her trusty Glock 27 on the creature; in fact, she was emabarrased to find herself grasping for the nonexistent gun at her belt. She considered dismissing the Sue and calling security, but –

"Oh."

Megan remembered her orientation, when she had been told that NFC agents are not allowed to dismiss an OC applicant without thorough examination of her dossier and a melodramatic rejection speech – I mean, informing the OC applicants of her strengths and weaknesses. Several decent OCs, Megan was told, had slipped through the cracks when this process was ignored.

Megan sat down slowly and attempted to keep her voice fearless. "Ma'am, you're bleeding from the head."

"oh, i knwo. iM supozed 2 do taht,"

It occurred to Megan that she could barely understand a word the girl was saying. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Teh, liek, Im supozed 2 bled fro teh hedd. iTZ MORe, liek, rowMANtik taht wayz, lolz."

She was supposed to bleed from the head – more romantic – lolz? Megan shook her head and looked at the papers in her hands. Remember your orientation, Meg. She cleared her throat. "Um, let's start with names. I'm Megan Reeves – "

"o I know tath. OMG LIEK YOU KICK SERIOUS BUTT ON NUMB3RS BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE 2 LEAVE TEH FBI??1??/ TEH WAAH!!"

Megan winced as the airspeed velocity of the all-caps and the "teh waah" blew her hair backwards. As for the kicking butt comment...normally she would have been flattered, but...not when hearing it from this...person.

"Okay, as I was saying..." She looked at the first page. "Amber-Keila Rosetti, right?"

The Mary-Sue's face glowed with sparkly pink pride at her name. "teh YEAH!!"

"And...I'm sorry, but I can't make out your author's name at all..."

"oh tat's EZ!!1 hur NaMe is o.O.Donnie.GurL.4.life!!1!O.o"

Holy mother of pancakes, this was the most terrifying – she was misspelling every word she spoke! Megan fought a shudder as she scanned Amber-Keila's character description. "Okay. Age 21, white, 5'11", dangerously thin build, red hair, green eyes – "

"UM, liek, teh hold on Bcuz I thikn yuo misred it. My descripchun sez thta I am gracefuly tall, willowy adn slendre, wiht smuuth auburn-strawberry-wine-oak-blood red haire, and peercing eyez uv swurling, smokey emurald and jaed and peony."

Megan stared at her. "Peony?"

Before Amber-Keila could elaborate on that enigmatic comparison, Megan moved on to the background section. The more she read, the more she wondered whether this girl needed a therapist. "It says here that you have a snappy, fiery, proud personality, but you're also sweet and sensitive and quiet and Humble. You grew up with an abusive father, ran away from home when you were ten, was forced to work in a...well, a place...until you were sixteen, when you realized it was your dream to become an FBI Special Agent."

Megan paused long enough to glance at Amber-Keila, who had suddenly and inexplicably began painting her nails.

Said Amber-Keila probably wouldn't last twenty seconds in Quantico.

She continued: "You are not only a profiler for the FBI, according to your background, you are also an agent for the CIA, an Infantry Weapons Officer with the USMC, and a Navy SEAL?"

She gazed at Amber-Keila with confusion. "There is no such thing as a profiler in the FBI, and you can't be an FBI agent, CIA agent, Marine, and Navy SEAL all at the same time. Even if it was possible, you're only 21."

The last statement seemed to ruffle Amber-Keila's feathers – or hair, as it was, for her hair stood completely on end as she said coldly, "i knwo. my auther sez i'm liek special."

"Of course you are," Megan said soothingly."Let's just move on to the story summary."

"My immortal, by o.O.Donnie.GurL.4.life!!1!O.o. Donnie meets a new fbi agint and tehy falll in lurrrrrrrv! but can megin conseal her feelings?? haha the sumery sucks but read teh storie anywhay or I WILL TOTALY PWN YUO! BWAHAHA!1!!1! My first storyy, so no flamz! liek if you flame I'll call my BF bcuz he can track yuor IP and kill you!! Bwahaha!! Donnie x OC, DUH!!1!"

Megan couldn't decide whether to laugh hysterically or call security.

"Okay, that seems straightforward enough. I'm going to go over your story now. Are you okay with that?"

"liek shure but dotn flame bcuz my auther will call her BF bcuz he can track – "

"I'm sure he can." With that placating remark, Megan began to go over the story.

As she waited, Amber-Keila finished painting her nails, scrubbed off the day-glo orange nail polish, and began to repaint them a glossy black.

The story didn't actually pick up until after four pages of describing Amber-Keila, and two more expansive pages on her background. Megan didn't start reading in detail until she found a sentence that actually looked like it might contain some plot:

"AmberKeila wakled N2 teh fbI billding, adn she lukked sO HAWT taht all teh fbi agints pasing by wetn in2 cunvulshuns!!1!"

Maybe not. Megan skipped some more lines.

For the sake of the readers' sanity, the first part of the story can be summed up so: Amber-Keila marched into the FBI headquarters and walked up to Don Eppes, who immediately asked her on a date. Of course Amber-Keila agreed – which sent Charlie into a pouty huff, because he wanted to ask her too. As they were leaving the building, Charlie got whumped. Hit by a speeding car, to be exact. Don mourned his brother for all of two paragraphs before skipping off to his date with Amber-Keila. And...the date went into far more excruciating detail than it needed to. And it lasted for nearly thirty pages.

The more she read, the more Megan felt her attitude changing. Obviously, within this story, Amber-Keila had no control over her actions – she was merely obeying the disgusting whims of the author. She began to feel pity, almost compassion for this Mary-Sue, who could take no autonomous action or do anything to better her situation. Now, why didn't the NFC have a counseling service for Mary-Sues? What a great idea that would be –

Suddenly, Megan remembered something in the summary that she'd almost forgotten about.

"Wait a minute..." Megan flicked back through the pages until she found the summary again. "Donnie meets a new fbi agint and tehy falll in lurrrrrrrv! but can megin conseal her feelings??"

"Excuse me, um, Amber-Keila," Megan said, holding the page out and indicating the troubling sentence. Amber-Keila sniffed, obviously displeased to be interrupted in her primping and preening. Megan said, "What feelings should I be concealing in this story?"

"oh, liek, yur N lurv wit Donnie."

Megan's heart dropped right through the floor and twelve stories down, where it landed on the desk of a very horrified receptionist – metaphorically.

"I beg your pardon?"

Amber-Keila rolled her eyes. "Liek, OMG – Donnei is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAWT!!1!!1! yuo shud be N LURV wit him!!1! I meen, who neads Larry? hes just gross!!1!11"

8:19 AM – NFC HQ, Security Office

As his phone rang, the Chief of NFC Security wolfed down one last powdered donut and torrent of coffee before reaching across his desk, knocking several file folders off, and grabbing the phone. "Security Office."

Chief, we've got a situation on the 15th floor.

The Chief wiped powdered sugar from around his mouth. "Oh, really?"

Megan Reeves is chasing an applicant around the offices and screaming obscenities at her. It's really beyond us...she fights dirty. Any backup you could send would be greatly appreciated.

The Chief hung up and asked around until he found two officers in need of a job. He sent them to take care of it. They were new to the force, though – so if things got too messy, he'd send backup. In the meantime, he opened a new bag of donuts.

8:22 AM – NFC HQ, 15th floor

Security Officers Chuck and Mikey glanced at each other as their elevator arrived on the 15th floor.

"So, what do we do again?" Chuck asked.

Mikey shrugged. "I guess we find Megan Reeves and break up her fight with that applicant."

"Right. Who's Megan Reeves?"

The NFC was still rather unfamiliar territory for them. Before they'd come to the NFC, they were intelligence agents for the Shakespearean fandom. They spied on Mary-Sue authors and other insane people, operating under the code names Guildenstern and Rosencrantz. But then Hamlet had them "killed off" and fired. They'd taken the job at NFC because...well, the NFC seemed the only place their skills were needed.

Other than the SpongeBob fandom, but what a fall from grace that would have been – Shakespeare to SpongeBob.

At first, they'd had some difficulty in adjusting to work in a modern fandom, but they were pretty well assimilated by now.

As if Chuck and Mikey weren't uncomfortable enough, this being their first assignment, they were immediately facing Megan, who was screaming, "YOU'RE SECURITY, AREN'T YOU? FANTASTIC! THEN WILL YOU PLEASE SHOOT THIS WORTHLESS MARY SUE? I SEEM TO HAVE LEFT MY GUN AT HOME!"

Said Mary-Sue was running haphazardly around the lobby, screaming, "Noooes, liekl dot"n hurt Me adn stuf!!"

Immediately Mikey started with a diplomatic approach: "Then, good my lady, woo't show us to the hapless applicant that has cast thy lauded and keen mind into such an ecstasy – "

"THIS ISN'T ECSTASY, YOU IDIOT! THIS IS PYSCHOPATHY! AND SHE'S OVER THERE!"

Chuck punched Mikey's shoulder. "Dude, we're not supposed to talk like Shakespeareans anymore."

"Oh." Mikey deflated.

"Holy cow, there she is!!" Chuck shouted, pointing.

"Who?"

"The Mary-Sue!"

Mary-Sue let out an exceptionally high squeal as she lapped them for the second time.

"Hey, excuse me, Ms. Mary-Sue," Mikey shouted after her, "could you please stop screaming and stuff so we can get this all sorted out?"

"JUST KILL HER!" Megan screamed.

Mikey shut up and pulled out his Smith and Wesson's. He tried to recall from his training how to shoot, but found himself helpless.

"By the rood, give me that thing!" Chuck took the gun away and took careful aim at Amber-Keila, who was taking her third lap around the room. "Mikey, remind me: How do you fire?"

Megan screeched, "Oh, give me that!" and snatched the gun away from Chuck. She pointed it at Amber-Keila, and now feeling more empowered by the presence of the weapon, she yelled, "NFC! FREEZE OR I'LL SHOOT, THOUGH I'LL PROBABLY SHOOT ANYWAY!"

The Mary-Sue did not freeze.

Megan ignored the sudden foreboding that she was making a grave mistake, and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Amber-Keila kept screaming and running around, wearing circles into the carpet as a frustrated Megan checked the gun. "What the – not even loaded!" She turned on Chuck and Mikey. "How do you expect to shoot anything when it's not even loaded!

"Sorry, Ms. Reeves, it's just that this is our first assignment – "

That was as far as the embarrassed Chuck got, for the thud of a body onto the carpet and the cessation of the Mary-Sue's screams distracted Megan and the Shakespearean officers. Amber-Keila lay face down before them, a dart sticking up out of her back.

"Knew I'd have to come up here and settle this. It was just a matter of time." A man about age thirty-seven, with dark hair and dark eyes walked into view, lazily twirling a tranquilizing gun in one hand. An FBI logo was emblazoned on his T-shirt. Megan gasped when she recognized him.

"Don!"

Agent Don Eppes was unruffled by the mention of his name. "Seriously, Megan, we could hear you two screaming all the way from Pasadena. How do you expect any one to sleep in on their day off?"

Megan smirked and then glanced at the fallen Mary-Sue. "So, you tranquilized her."

"And saved your hide." Don shoved the gun into his belt. "If you'd killed her, the Mary-Sue Guild would have dragged the entire NFC into court. You'd better take her into custody while she's still unconscious."

"Oh." Megan, humbled, bent down and handcuffed the Mary-Sue. "I seriously owe you one, Eppes."

"Forget it," Don said, smiling.

Amber-Keila Rosetti lifted her head up. "Seee, tHis iz just waht Im taklingg aBOUt!!1!"

Don pumped another dart into the Mary-Sue, who was again limp and silent. "So I take it this one's a reject?"

Megan raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, you think? I'm sorry I freaked out."

"Happens to the best of us." With that, Don sauntered out of the room.

Megan sighed and turned to Chuck and Mikey, indicating the prone Sue. "Take her...um, into custody, wherever you take these things." She walked back to her office muttering, "And it's only my first day on the job. What am I getting myself into?"

Chuck and Mikey stared helplessly at Amber-Keila Rosetti.

"Where do we take her?" Mikey asked nobody in particular.

Chuck shook his head and bent down to lift her up. "I told you we should have taken that job in the SpongeBob fandom."

OoOoOoOoOoO

(Maybe) Next on the NFC Files:

Megan gets a special case from Amita – and all the emotional baggage that comes with it, when a Mary-Sue heads for Charlie. Can Megan prevent a murder on Amita's part? Can she prevent a nervous breakdown on her own part? Will Chuck and Mikey be of any help at all this time?Tune in next week.