A/N: I honestly don't know anymore…
There! Right There!
"Everyone, I'd like you all to meet my boyfriend from France, Kurt Hummel."
Rachel stood at the front of the choir room, introducing her supposed boyfriend, a transfer student from France. Supposedly. Quinn, however, suspected that it was just to make Finn jealous. The kid didn't look the type to be Rachel's boyfriend. Or, rather, he did, except for the fact he didn't look like he played for that team. It seemed like most of the other New Directions thought so too, except for Finn. Oblivious Finn. He really tried to see the best in everyone, and he obviously believed this kid was actually Rachel's boyfriend. She could see it on his face. But everyone else…
There! Right there!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin!
Look at the killer shape he's in!
Look at that slightly stubbly chin!
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay!
First of all, the kid was pale. As in, never goes in the sun pale. As in, trying to keep his complexion perfect pale. But in a tasteful way. He didn't look like a ghost, just like he was trying to keep his skin from breaking out or wrinkling. He also was in shape. Sure, most of the guys in Glee were, but they were all on the football team. This kid looked like he had never heard of football, and, considering where he was from, that was quite possible (American football, at least). He looked like he hardly ever had to shave, too. There was just a teeny hint of stubble if you looked closely. Really closely.
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say, no way!
Finn was as oblivious as ever. Maybe he'd never met anyone gay. He probably thought this kid just played water polo or something back in France, and that he hadn't hit puberty yet and was just naturally pale. They were all quite possible, but there was still something about him that pinged everyone's gaydar. Everyone except Finn, that is.
That is the elephant in the room
But is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fey?
He was definitely wearing perfume. And Quinn could feel everyone wondering, studying this kid. No one wanted to say anything, they didn't want to insult him, God knows they knew how it felt being slushied every day, but still. This was Ohio.
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks
Look at his silk translucent socks
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seeing
What are we seeing?
Is he gay…
Of course he's gay!
Or European?
This kid's fashion sense was definitely Vogue-material. He had red skinny jeans, a white shirt and black skinny tie with knee-high black boots and a beret. Very French looking, for sure. But most straight men, French or not, would be caught dead in that outfit, especially the boots. But the furthest any of them had been was Florida, so they weren't exactly cultured enough to know if the French actually dressed like that or if it was a movie thing. And there was a chance they wouldn't find out, considering no one was willing to ask.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Well, hey, don't look at me.
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They will say things like "Ciao Bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks
Oh, please
Is he gay or European?
So many shades of gray
Depending on the time of day the French go either way
Is he gay or European or-
Tina had started humming a song from Legally Blonde under her breath, seemingly unaware, and it had caught on like wildfire. They were all humming it, acting out the parts, except for Finn, while Rachel and her "boyfriend" continued speaking in rapid-fire French. Finn was the only one, besides the two of them, to be oblivious to what was going on, and when Brittany whispered something in his ear he shrugged his shoulders. From what Quinn understood of French, it seemed like the boy was telling Rachel about playing water polo. She knew it. He radiated elegance and preppiness. When they wrapped up their conversation, he kissed Rachel on both cheeks before going to sit down at a seat in the front of the room. Rachel started gearing up for a solo, no doubt professing her love for this guy.
There! Right there!
Look at that condescending smirk!
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say, no way!
Rachel started singing her song, and lo and behold, it was a song professing her alleged "love" for this guy. They still didn't know his name, unless she had said it and they all tuned out. After the first couple words of her song from some musical, the kid looked at Finn and smirked. A "I get her and you don't" kind of smirk. The kind guys shoot their friends when they get the girl. Now the New Directions were getting mixed signals. What was going on?
That is the elephant in the room
While is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume
Is automatically, radically
Ironically, chronically
Certainly, pertinently
Genetically, medically
Gay!
Officially gay!
Officially gay gay gay gay gay!
They were still humming the song when Rachel finished her song and went over to sit next to French dude. He kissed her. Now everything made even less sense. Maybe he was just European. That still didn't explain why he was dating Rachel, not even someone who spoke two words of English would want to do that, but they couldn't be sure. He obviously didn't notice what they were thinking, he seemed wrapped up in his world with Rachel and not noticing the humming that was going on right next to him.
Is he gay or European?
So stylish and relaxed
Is he gay or European?
I think his chest is waxed
He made the choir room into his home, it seemed. He was just as relaxed as if he were laying by the side of the pool. None of the glee kids would be that calm if they were in a new country, that's for sure. He had an aura about him, everyone sort of gravitated toward him. At the moment, that was because they were looking for clues, but it seemed like it was a usual occurrence, the way he didn't seem too concerned about it. And his chest was definitely waxed, Quinn noticed when he stood up.
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
He stood up to sing or leave or something, and he reached into a bag. But it wasn't a bag, really, it was a purse. And not really a man-purse, if you liked to call it that, it was a Coach bag. It was black, but there was still no hiding that it was a designer bag and made for women. Quinn didn't want to judge, but he was practically forcing it on himself. He was just as oblivious as Finn though, not realizing how he came across to the Americans.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code
His accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy-toed
"Je vais á la salle de bain," he said as he got up and turned on the toe of his shoe.
"That means 'I'm going to the bathroom,'" Rachel informed the club, as if they needed it. She too was oblivious to what was going on between the other members. She stole a look at Finn to see if he was actually jealous, and Quinn looked too. He did look jealous, he thought this guy was actually a threat. He was the only one stupid enough to think so, but Quinn found it kind of endearing, as she always had. Rachel didn't hear the tune of their hum, or Legally Blonde was the only musical she hadn't seen, because she didn't say anything and she must've heard the humming. Or she was an idiot.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-?
Tina apparently didn't understand that this guy, if he was straight, was "dating" Rachel, because when Rachel got up to go help him find the bathroom, she announced that if he was indeed straight, she had dibs.
"Tina, Rachel's dating him," Mercedes told her, and Tina just shrugged. They continued speculating amongst themselves until the "lovebirds" came back in the room. Mike stood up.
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy,
I've got an idea I'd like to try
The floor is yours
"Hey, I have some questions for you, Mr…."
"Hummel," the kid replied, in a heavy accent.
"So Mr. Hummel," Mike started, "This alleged affair with Miss Berry has been going on for…?"
"Two months," he replied. His face showed that he had no idea where this was going and probably thought all Americans were crazy.
"And your first name is…"
"Kurt," he said, suspicious of Mike.
"And your boyfriend's name is…"
"Blaine." A look of horror gleamed across his face. "I'm sorry! I misunderstand! You say boyfriend, I thought you say best friend! Blaine is my best friend!"
The door to the choir room swung open, and a gay* walked in.
"Did someone say Blaine Anderson?" he said, also in an accent. It sounded Italian, maybe. Horror once again shot across Kurt's face as he realized just how much trouble he was in. Blaine walked over to where Kurt was sitting in the middle of the room and got right in his face.
"You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it. I no cover for you, no more! Peoples. I have a big announcement. This man is gay and European! You've got to stop your being a completely closet case.
No matter what he say, I swear he never ever ever swing the other way. You are so gay. You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret!"
Well. They weren't expecting that. Not exactly. It was just life imitating art, in a very odd way, to say the least.
"I'm straight!" Kurt yelled, struggling to get out of Blaine's grasp.
"You were not yesterday," Blaine replied teasingly. "So if I may," he said, turning to face the members of the New Directions who were still sitting in their seats half in shock by this random stranger who turned up out of nowhere to claim the transfer students' homosexuality, "I'm proud to say he's gay!"
The New Directions chorused back, all except for Rachel who looked like she was about to cut someone.
"Fine, okay, I'm gay," Kurt said finally, exasperated.
The room exploded into cheers except for Rachel, who slapped Kurt across the face, and Finn, who walked over to Rachel and asked if they could go to Miss Pillsbury's office for a talk.
A/N: Umm, hi! So there's a pretty long story about this, sort of. I saw a StarKid fan video about everyone singing this about Voldemort, and then a story on here about the Glee cast singing this about Darren (replacing "European" with "San Franciscan") and then I saw Legally Blonde the other day at my friend's school, and then this happened… I made a video too about Darren but I don't think I'm gonna put it on YouTube because it's kinda bad and I'd feel weird about it so… This is definitely not my best writing either, I repeated some words too many times and tried to fit the story too close to the lyrics but it's not a very serious thing either so whatever. Can't wait till Thursday! Klaine again!
*I mean to type guy there but I keep typing gay this is a problem.