The Crime Before Christmas
A burning Christmas tree behind a sobbing, raven-haired boy. December 25th 2002.
A singed and mouldy turkey being carved by a disgusted, raven-haired boy. December 25th 2003.
An ugly, tartan cashmere sweater worn by an angry, raven-haired boy. December 25th 2004.
"Man Duke, these photos of yours are depressing," Tristan said, snapping the photo album shut. "You weren't lying, your last few Christmas' have been pretty crap. Oh well, hope you have better luck this year."
"I'm not celebrating Christmas this year, Tristan," Duke huffed, unpacking a brand new box of tinsel. "It only leads to disaster."
"What? Hang on, if you're not celebrating, why are you putting up all these decorations?"
"Well, duh, I don't want to look like some loser who can't afford a bit of tinsel!" Duke sighed, climbing a footstool to attempt to suspend a solid gold, twelve inch Santa figurine from the palmet.
"Duke, I don't think that's such a great place for a two kilo Santa figurine – " Tristan began, before the entire thing came crashing down through Duke's lounge room window.
"Ah hell! You see? I told you! Disaster!"
"That wasn't a Christmas disaster Duke, that was just sheer stupidity on your part."
Duke pouted at him. "Shut up. My point is, I will not celebrate another burning, mouldy, tartan Christmas. Me and Kaiba have already arranged to go and celebrate our hatred of Christmas together at Meatlovers Supreme."
"Meatlovers Supreme? That new bar for people who love meatloaf? But Kaiba hates meatloaf! It's cheap and tacky."
"It's not a bar for fans of meatloaf the food, it's a bar for fans of Meat Loaf the singer!" Duke corrected.
"He's the one I called cheap and tacky…" Tristan mumbled in reply. "Anyway Duke, you can't just forego Christmas! Especially not with another man," he pouted.
"Aw snickerdoodle, you know there's nothing between me and Kaiba. We just thought that, seeing as we both hate Christmas, we might as well celebrate not celebrating it together. Now be a doll and fix my window."
Tristan was in shock, and not because he had bullet-proof glass installed in Duke's house so he could throw fat gold Santa's and pelmets at it all he wanted either.
Though now that he thought about it, he should be shocked by that too. It had cost him an eye and he couldn't even call it a Christmas present because Duke no longer believed in Christmas!
"Man, all this craziness is doing my head in," Tristan muttered. "How can Duke not celebrate Christmas? I mean, I know Kaiba is scared of Santa after that drunk guy dressed in a Santa suit busted into his house last year and molested his favourite Blue Eyes plushie in the spa, but come on Duke! Christmas is a time for people of all races and religions to get together and get presents, and hay fever from the dusty decorations and pine trees! Not celebrating it must be a crime! Yeah, it is! Duke is a Chrissaphobe – as is Kaiba, but he can buy his way out of prison. My Duke is too pretty for prison!"
Getting severely worked up now, Tristan stopped in the middle of the street, striking a heroic pose with one foot up on the fire hydrant.
"To protect Duke from being de-flowered, I must… er… go back in time and say no when he asks me to take him on the hood of his car… But! In order to protect him from getting re-de-flowered by petty prison thugs, I must make him celebrate Christmas!" He paused. "Man, this is gonna be tough. I'll need assistance."
Tristan made to move away, but the snowy December temperature had frozen his foot to the fire hydrant. "Uh… little help?"
Only a few hours later, Tristan was ringing the bell to Pegasus' front door. After all, he needed help, and if anyone could give that to him, it was Pegasus. He knew Duke inside-out – Tristan did feel dirty saying that, but uh, it was true…
Strangely enough, Pegasus himself answered the door, instead of Croquet. "Taylor-boy!"
Tristan averted his eyes. "Oh, er, hi… Isn't it a bit cold for novelty red and fur Christmas thongs?"
"No. But it isn't any fun to wear them if there's no one around to show off to," Pegasus sighed, in a long-suffering tone, gesturing for Tristan to come inside. Tristan did so, treading carefully. It seemed Pegasus had traded in his tinsel, baubles and Christmas tree for lots of mistletoe, and he didn't want to get caught under any.
"No one to show off too? Where's Croquet?"
"Out 'visiting' someone called Solomon," Pegasus said dismissively. Luckily Tristan didn't know Grandpa Motou's first name.
"Well, anyway old guy, I need to ask you something. Duke has decided not to celebrate Christmas this year because he thinks it'll be a disaster, but if he doesn't celebrate they'll put him in jail where he'll be molested! So, do you know how I can trick him into celebrating Christmas?"
Pegasus was confused, but he understood "Duke," "molested," and "celebrating Christmas" so he assumed something fun was happening. "Why don't you throw him a party with all of his friends?"
Molestation was more fun at a party.
"And remember, I am one of his friends…"
"That's perfect!" Tristan yelled. "I'll throw him a Christmas party, but I won't tell him it's a Christmas party till he's actually there! Thanks Pegasus."
"You're welcome dear boy. Here, if you're throwing a Christmas party, you'll need this." Pegasus held out an armload of mistletoe.
"Oh cool," Tristan said gratefully, reaching for it.
"Uh-uh, first…" Pegasus scolded, leaning forward, his eyes closed and lips puckered.
"Uh…" Tristan just took the mistletoe and ran.
Once safely out of that madhouse, Tristan checked his watch. "12:00pm on Christmas Eve. I have a whole party to plan, organize and set up, and all I have is this watch and some mistletoe. Oi…" He took off up the road.
The next house he came to belonged to Marik and Malik Ishtar. Even though Marik was a psychopathic, arsonist, maniac killer, the other one wasn't too bad, so Tristan knocked confidently, ignoring the loud thumps and pained screeches filtering out of an upstairs window.
"It's open!" called a voice, and he let himself in. He was greeted by a young albino sitting in a tanned blonde's lap, feeding each other popcorn and watching chick flicks.
"Oh, hi Tristan. Wanna join us?" Malik offered.
"Uh…no…"
"Oh shush you chaps, you made me miss the part where Bobby discovers that Chantelle has been brainwashed by the evil forest cult who thinks she's a goddess and want their male leader to rape her so they can have a godly child to raise in the White Tent of Truth."
"Oh… okay." Tristan shifted uncomfortably. "Listen, I'm having a surprise Christmas party for Duke and I was wondering if you could spare me some food, or decorations, or gifts…?"
"Oh my, of course we can, but by Jove, we are invited aren't we?" Ryou asked.
"Of course you both are. You and your… yamis. Unless of course they already have plans?"
Please, make them already have plans, he begged silently.
"A party? Oh dude, we are there!" came a voice.
Marik and Bakura had entered the room. And what an entrance it was, with Marik wearing nothing but a Santa hat on his head, and not the head he should wear it on either. In his hand was a leash, attached to Bakura's only item of clothing – a collar.
Now Tristan understood the noises.
"Ugh!"
"I say!"
"Marik!"
"Bakura!"
"What the hell…!"
"Put some clothes on, old bean!"
"Quit your yapping," Marik snapped.
"Oh dude, mistletoe!"
Before Tristan could say "put some clothes on!" the albino spirit had ripped away some of the mistletoe, thrown it around his partner's neck, and was kissing him passionately. Marik groaned and pulled them both onto the loveseat.
"Okay… Let's go to the kitchen," Malik suggested, gently sliding Ryou off his lap and leading the way.
Tristan gladly began to follow, but as an afterthought, turned back to the romping yamis. As if reading his mind, they tossed him the mistletoe without once pausing their hot, sweaty love-making. Tristan mumbled a quick thanks and escaped into the kitchen.
"So, you need help with Duke's party?" Malik asked, leaning on the counter. "That's easy, we have heaps of presents."
"Oh my yes!" Ryou said happily. "We'll give you some to put under Duke's tree."
"Wow, really? Thanks guys, that'll save me heaps of money," Tristan thanked them.
"Uh, you can thank us later…" Malik muttered. "Here." He braved the sexy horrors of the lounge room again for a few minutes to retrieve some presents from under his own tree to give to Tristan.
"I owe you guys," Tristan said gratefully, taking the gifts in his arms with the mistletoe and heading for the lounge room, and ultimately the front door. However when he opened the kitchen door and was greeted with –
"OH YEAH, BABY!"
– he turned away.
"I'll use the back door…"
Dling dong dong dronnng!
The demented doorbell to Joey's rundown apartment echoed down the empty streets of the East Side. A few seconds later the door opened and a familiar, scruffy blonde head peeked through the crack. "Hey Tristan! C'mon in!"
"Hey Joey," Tristan replied, letting himself in. But something was different… it was less… drafty. "Hey, you finally replaced that missing wall!"
"Yup!" Joey grinned. "It was my Christmas gift to myself. I figured I should spoil myself – plus it was really cheap coz all I did was knock some bricks out of the roof and piled 'em up where the wall should be!"
Tristan blinked. "Knocked bricks out of the ceiling? But Joey, you're living in a bottom apartment – your roof is someone's floor!"
"Yeah," Joey shrugged. "But I got a free wall, and all they did was nail a stupid complaint letter to my door." He held up a sign with "EVICTION NOTICE" stamped across the top in red. "I was just about to throw it out."
Tristan quickly grabbed his friends' arm to stop him. "Err… why don't you keep it? For posterity."
"Yeah, cool idea Tristan. That oughtta impress some of the gangsters out there. And it's all red like a Christmas decoration!" Clearing his throat, Joey spat on the back of the letter and slapped it over a stain on the wall. "O h man, come into the kitchen, I gotta show you all my Christmas decorations."
"Okay," Tristan said, following. "But Joey, I need to ask you a favour. I know you – "
"Tah dah!"
Tristan looked around. The kitchen and adjoining dining room were bare – well, that was a lie, there were cobwebs. "Uh, Joey, I don't see any Christmas decorations… there's a leftover pumpkin from Halloween, but it's kinda rotting…"
"That's not Halloween leftovers, that's my lunch."
Tristan swallowed whatever was about to come out of his mouth – an insult, laughter, vomit – and tried again. "Okay, but the fact remains that you don't have any decorations."
"I know, and here's why – pre-senting Joey Wheeler's Christmas Designs!" He ripped the tablecloth off the table to reveal a smorgasbord of food. "I spent my decorations money, life savings and this month's rent on Christmas food! Pretty impressive, huh?"
Tristan was practically drooling – scratch that, he was drooling. He didn't know how or where Joey planned to live for the next few years now that all his money was gone, but he didn't care either. One thing was for sure – he needed this food for Duke's party, and it wouldn't be easy to pry it away from Joey. This would take brains.
"That's a pretty impressive line-up of food you got yourself there, Joey. I don't suppose you've heard of uh… TADAP-FAP?"
"TADAP-FAP? Sounds fancy, what is it?"
"Tristan And Duke's Awesome Party For Awesome People. We're hosting it tomorrow actually, and all the awesome people will be there – basketball players… celebrities… FBI agents… and that donut guy off TV."
Joey gasped. "Donny Donut! Domino Donut Shop's mascot!"
"Mm hm," Tristan smirked, admiring his nails. "Obviously these guys wouldn't hang out with just anyone, but if you bring some of that food to the party, I'm sure they'll let you in."
"I'll do it! Where da party at, bro?"
"Er… I'll call you with those details later. Just don't forget!"
"I won't – I'll be there with jingle bells on!"
As Tristan left Joey's apartment, he had to admit the idiot had raised a very un-idiotic point – where would he host this party? His place was too small, and Duke would get suspicious if he started setting up for a party in his lounge room.
"All I need is one room, but it has to be big and spacious, and where the hell do I get one of those on Christmas Eve at… 4pm! Aw crap!" Tristan cursed. "I could go ask Pegasus, but that thong really put me off. Plus that place was crawling with mistletoe – how did he fill an entire, giant, empty, multi-roomed manor – I mean, castle – with… mistle…"
The large blue-and-white manor doors swung open slowly, and two cold blue eyes glared out at Tristan. "Listen Taylor, I don't care how many sisters and brothers you have, how sick your mother is, or if your dad was hit by a bus – I'm not giving you any more money."
"This isn't about me or money Kaiba, this is about Duke."
Kaiba sighed. "Look, I'm going to tell you what Duke told me to tell you."
Tristan was confused already.
"There's nothing between me and Duke. We're just going to not-celebrate Christmas together because we're the only two people in the world who realize that this holiday is just a sham so that fat bearded guys can break into peole's houses and molest things."
"That only happens to you," Tristan pointed out.
"Shut up. Whatever you want, I'm not interested." He made to shut the door, but Tristan shoved his foot in the gap. Kaiba sighed. He usually had a system for these kind of people, but he'd moved his toe-crushing mallet away from the door to make room for a nice hat stand.
"I just want to borrow one room from your house for a party tomorrow! You won't even notice we're here, because you'll be out drinking! But… Duke will be at the party, as well as a lot of other people, so you'll be drinking alone."
"Lots of people, at a party at my house?"
Tristan had hit Kaiba's weak spot – popularity. The guy liked it so much he'd even become a cheerleader at school. A female one.
"Well, Taylor, as long as that mutt friend of yours doesn't show up, I'm willing to lend you my parlor for your little party. And I'll be there to uh… supervise."
Tristan nodded. "Of course Joey won't be there, he's in jail or some such… crimes against humanity…" He coughed. "Well, see you tomorrow!"
He quickly escaped down the driveway and onto the street before he got Joey in any more trouble. Passing the town square, he nodded appreciatively at the workers setting up the large town Christmas tree and decorating it. They'd left it a bit late, but who was Tristan to talk?
"At least they have a tree. Oh man, how am I supposed to get a Christmas tree for Duke's party when I have no money and the shops close in a half-hour?"
His eyes trailed once again over to the Christmas tree in the center of town. "Maybe… no! I can't steal a Christmas tree! Not on my own, it's too heavy. I'll need help…"
He continued down the street, thinking of going back to ask Marik and Bakura to help him steal the tree. Unless they were still too busy getting busy.
"Hey Tristan! Are you on your way to the shops too?" called a voice, and Tristan turned to see a spiky, tri-coloured head bobbing up to him at groin-height.
"Hi Yugi," he said, crouching down. "Nah, I'm on my way to someone's house. You doing some last minute shopping?"
Yugi's arms were loaded with bags of Christmas decorations. "Yeah, we ran out of blue and white tinsel. I don't know where it all goes…"
Tristan shrugged. "You want me to help you carry some of that home?"
"Sure. Thanks."
Tristan didn't understand why Yugi wanted more tinsel and baubles – the Game Shop was already so full of them that he had to shield his eyes as he walked in. "Wow, shiny…"
"Grandpa, I'm home!"
There was a pause, then a distant crash as someone fell down the stairs, regained their balance somewhat and stumbled into the front room of the store. "Yugi, finally! Where have you be – ooh never mind, more blue and white tinsel? Well I don't know where to put it, but oh, I'll find somewhere."
"What?" Yugi cried out as all the blue and white tinsel was taken away from him. "Yami, are you the one taking all the blue and white tinsel?" Yami ran. Yugi sighed. "I'd better go get him." He started up the stairs.
"Uh, Yugi, I needed to ask a favour!" Tristan said quickly, following Yugi upstairs. "I know it's weird, and I was actually going to ask Marik and Bakura for help instead, but seeing as you and Yami are here… well, would you help me steal the Christmas tree from the town square?"
Yugi raised an eyebrow at Tristan as he pushed open the door to Yami's room. "Tristan, why on Earth would you want to do that?"
"Well, I'm having this party for Duke tomorrow – oh and you two are invited – but I don't have a tree and you can't have a… Christmas party… without… a… What the hell?"
Tristan was distracted by the sight in Yami's room, which was revealed to him as Yugi pushed open the door. The poor kid still had his back to it.
"Uh, Yugi? T-turn around…"
All the blue and white tinsel and baubles from Yugi's house – no, more like from every house and store in Domino – had made it's way into Yami's bedroom and was currently adorning most of the wall and roof space. The only places not covered by said decorations were the ones were Yami had tacked up photos of –
"Kaiba? Yami, why the hell is Kaiba all over your room?" Yugi screeched.
Yami sighed, twirling his fringe. "Isn't it festive?"
"Why are you doing this?" Yugi was still screeching.
"Well, I know Kaiba doesn't like Christmas, but I figured if I set it up like this, I can lure him here and we can celebrate Christmas together… in my room… I even made the bed white and blue!"
Both Yugi and Tristan shuddered.
"And just look at my Christmas tree!" Yami had somehow gotten his hands on a large Christmas tree, and painted pictures of Kaiba on all of the baubles. Some were quite disturbing.
"It's okay Tristan, you don't have to steal anything. Just take this tree," Yugi said, grabbing the large tree and somehow dragging it out of the door to Tristan.
"Wow, thanks Yugi. I'll take good care of it."
"Please don't." The door to the bedroom shut, and Tristan faintly heard the sound of a slap and Yami squealing in pain.
"I'll… let myself out…"
Tristan was exhausted, and not just because he was dragging presents, mistletoe and a Christmas tree up and down the street. He was mentally exhausted from putting up with all of his insane friends… and acquaintances. Still, for Duke's sake he soldiered on, dragging himself back uptown to Kaiba's manor. The brunette let him in and together they set up the parlor with decorations, mistletoe, a tree, presents beneath that, and a table for food.
"Finally," Tristan sighed. "Now, just make sure that tomorrow when Duke comes to pick you up to take you drinking, you make him come into the parlor first."
"I know, I know," Kaiba insisted, wrinkling his nose. "Now let me show you the door, I need to get away from that… that… tree… Before I get hay fever… or an STI."
Tristan gave him a weird look. "You're demented." He made his way to the door and opened it up. "Remember, Duke is really stubborn, and he likes martinis, so it'll be hard work to get him to come inside before going to the bar."
"I can do it Taylor, just shut up!" Kaiba sighed, slamming the door in his face. Tristan shrugged.
"Hope so…"
Christmas Day dawned bright and snowy. Tristan had stayed with Duke overnight, and now he awoke at 10am and groaned, rolling over slowly onto his back, ready to get up. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by two big, green things.
"AAAAAAAAAHHH! Holy friggen crap Duke! Don't stand over me and… gaze like that!"
"Sor-ry!" Duke sang, giving him a kiss. "Come on, get up-up-up, you said you wanted to drive with me to Kaiba's and I'm meant to be there already!"
"Oh really? Geez, sorry, we'll be late. Just let me chuck some clothes on."
"Without a shower?" Duke crinkled his nose. "Well, alright, I'll let you get away with it today, but only because I'm not the one who has to hang out with you today."
"That's real friendly," Tristan replied sarcastically, dragging on some pants and a shirt, stuffing his feet into his boots and tossing Duke his car keys. "Let's go."
"Hooray!"
Tristan led the way out to the car, feeling good. Duke was in a happy mood, which meant he shouldn't be too mad about being tricked into celebrating Christmas today. As they motored down the street, they passed the jail, and Tristan poked his tongue out at it. Those criminals would just have to survive without Duke this Christmas.
"Tristan, don't tease the criminals, it's not their fault they have such an ugly home."
"It's a jail."
"Exactly."
"…"
"We're here!"
"Great," Tristan said, hopping out of the car. "Come on, let's go get him."
"Hey Tristan, if me and Kaiba are going out today, in this car, how are you getting home?" Duke asked.
"Er… Christmas magic! Come on." Tristan's boots crunched the snow under his feet as he trudged up the driveway and stairs to Kaiba's front door and knocked, Duke close behind him.
Kaiba opened a short while later. "You finally arrived," he snorted. "Oh and look, Duke bought a guest." Tristan couldn't tell if Kaiba was just a really good actor, or really had forgotten about the party. "It looks cold out there. Come into the parlor and get some egg nog."
Relieved, Tristan followed him inside. Duke hesitated, then came too. "Why're you so happy Kaiba? Don't tell me you've decided you like Christmas! Great, I can't go out drinking on my own!"
"Well then, why don't you stay here and drink?" Tristan offered, pushing open the double doors to the parlor with Kaiba.
Right on cue, all of their friends turned to the opening doors and called out, "Merry Christmas!"
Duke squealed. "Tristan! Did you just trick me into celebrating Christmas?"
"Uh…"
"I love you!"
"Alright everyone!" Pegasus announced. "I hired a professional photographer! Now say cheese!"
A skinny blonde with an entire turkey hanging out of his mouth. A tall CEO being ravished by a man with a funky eye under the mistletoe. A boy with tri-coloured hair hugging the Christmas tree. A smaller boy, a tanned psychopath and a sadistic albino setting fire to said tree. A normal tanned blonde and little albino canoodling on the food table. And a raven haired boy kissing his boyfriend. December 25th 2005.
Merry Christmas everybody.