Another Noble HP Fanfic Mockery Indeed
A/N: All Harry Potter characters and settings and stuff belong to JK Rowling, the British-isms belong to the British (unless I just make them up) and any resemblance to specific fan fictions (rather than fanfic in general) is purely coincidental.
Chapter 1: Cold Shoulder, Hot Topic
"Bugger!" Marauder-era Sirius slammed the door behind him and threw himself onto his bed. Marauder-era Remus turned in surprise, quickly locking up his diary with a small, heart-shaped key and burying it under a pile of parchment before Sirius could guess who he'd been writing poetry about. The room was a mess. For whatever reason, the room only housed the Marauders, the only male Gryffindors in their grade of any importance. The Marauders were comprised of James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and NOT Peter Pettigrew—certainly not Peter Pettigrew as portrayed by Timothy Spall, that's for sure. Anyway, each of these three Marauders was hotter than the last. James, being certifiably straight, was always over at Lily's, though, so he doesn't really figure into things. Anti-boy-charm on the girls' dormitories, you say? Er…counter hex. That clever boy. There.
"What's the matter, Padfoot?" Remus's warm, brown, feral, sad, wolf-like eyes combed over his friend's hipsterific frame. Sirius had hooked one thumb into his pink-and-black, four-row, pyramid-studded belt from Hot Topic, which brought his skintight black jeans down far enough to reveal a overdefined hipbone, tattooed with a pawprint. Wait a minute…what? Remus blinked a few times and the anachronisms became irrelevant.
"Bleeding bloody buggerific bugger balls!" growled Sirius, and turned away from his devoted companion. He was pissed. Pissed and English. You know, in case you haven't caught on. Remus sighed, walked across the room, and gingerly sat down beside his friend.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Sirius." He bit his lip with one canine tooth (Heh heh, very nice, me. Smooth.) and took a breath. "Is it…is it—I mean could it possibly be, maybe…well, you know…about a..a…a…a gir—a…a girl?" he asked, casually. Sirius looked flabbergasted.
"What? A girl? No, of course not, stupid. Uhhhh…I mean—no, not a girl."
"Phew!" Remus let out an audible sigh of relief that he hoped Sirius wouldn't notice. Sirius didn't notice.
"Anyway, no, not a girl. Not anything, actually. Exclaiming 'Bugger!' and flinging myself into the room just seemed like a dynamic way to start off the story"
"Story? What story?"
"The story," Sirius began, raising an eyebrow, "of how you and I are going to sneak into town and get ourselves some butterbeer! What do you say? Just you and me, mate!"
Mate. The word not only reminded you all that they were still English, but it also made Remus's heart skip a beat.
"Will—will James be coming along, then?"
"James? Ha! He's always with that Lily Evans. Before you know it, they'll be having a son together!"
"And you'll be his godfather!"
"And you'll be his professor!"
"Ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha!"
"Ha."
"Alright then, Rem. Let's go."
"Right. Hey, didn't we used to have another member? Moony, Prongs, Padfoot, Wor—"
"What's that, Rem? It's always been just the three of us?"
"I guess so." Remus pulled on his brown leather trenchcoat and swished out the door after Sirius.