ARCADIAN GLEE
by
SANDEFUR
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction just for fun. I have no claims.
(Background: Joan of Arcadia was a show on a few years ago about a teenage girl named Joan Girardi who saw and spoke to God in various 'human' forms. God would give her assignments that were often difficult to understand, but Joan would obey and by the end of the episode you saw the 'good ripples' that came from her efforts. I have maintained the same timeline, so Joan is now 22. For the purpose of this crossover, I have set the story during season one of GLEE, just as McKinley High's Christmas vacation has begun. Also, in the second season of Glee, the glee club sang "What If God Was One Of Us" - the theme song of Joan of Arcadia.)
12-19-09/Saturday morning.
"Sorry for the bumpiness folks. Another air pocket. Nothing to worry about."
"I'm fine Jerry," Sue Sylvester says, "but I think Will is about to pee his panties."
Will Schuester grimaces as he tries to keep down his breakfast. What was he thinking, sharing a small plane with Sue in a flight over the mountains? (As if December hasn't been hard enough already after finding out Terri was faking her pregnancy, the drama of Sectionals, his impending divorce, and then there were his feelings for Emma…) The Cessna 150, a four seat plane with a single engine, takes another sudden dip, tossing Will against Sue.
"Easy there glee boy, I'm not in the mood."
"Sorry Sue. I'm beginning to wonder if this trip was such a good idea."
"You were plenty eager for this charter when you heard how much money you were going to save over a commercial flight."
"I would have driven to Maryland if there hadn't been an ice storm in the mountains. I could have made it there in plenty of time."
"Woulda – coulda – shoulda. You beat everything, Will. Good luck drops into your lap and you whine over the details. Be grateful we have the same destination and can share expenses."
"About that Sue, I still find it hard to believe you're entering the same singing competition that I am."
"I'm the alternate my old college picked for the Eastern Alumnus Sing Off. What's so hard to believe?"
"Because this is the fifth time my alma mater has picked me to represent them, and I know how fierce the competition can be. My previous four tries, I didn't even make the finals. Sue, I've heard you sing. You're okay, but you are out of your league in this."
"Out of my league? No such thing. You're forgetting Will, I'm a champion."
"As a cheerleading coach."
"At everything. You think this is just about raw talent, but it's more than that. It's also about having a winning attitude, strategy, innovation and poise under pressure. The same gifts I use to win national championships. That's my edge."
"Are you really so ego-centric you think you can beat some of the best singers in the country?"
"I don't think it, I know it. Running that pitiful, all-inclusive glee club of yours has distorted your view of life. When people meet me, they know I'm a winner – they expect it and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. With me, they smell a champion. With you Will, all they smell is a four time loser wearing a quart of generic hair product."
Will shakes his head in disbelief. "You're delusional. I bet you'll finish dead last."
"Bet? How much?"
"Uh, that was just a figure of speech. I didn't mean…"
"Bawk, bawk bawk – chicken! You talk the talk…"
"Okay, what's the bet?"
"Whoever finishes lower in the competition pays all of the expenses for this trip."
"Deal."
Will holds out his hand and Sue shakes it hard enough to make him wince. She chuckles…
"Sucker."
X X X X X
Arcadia college, a small liberal arts school, is regionally famous for its' superbly landscaped campus and classically designed buildings. Sue Sylvester is not impressed…
"Bad enough we're in this butt crack of a town, but now we've found the pimple that grows in that crack."
Will, standing behind Sue in the same line, looks about nervously. "Sue, lower your voice. There are Arcadia students all around us."
"And you're concerned it will be a revelation to them that they blundered when they picked this school?"
"Sue, Arcadia College is this year's sing off host, and it has a reputation for being a fine school. It might make sense not to insult the people running things."
"Just like you, Will. Focusing on the little people when all that matters is impressing the judges." (Louder…) "Meanwhile, are we going to spend the rest of our lives in this line?"
An attractive young woman standing at the R to Z table finishes with an entrant, sighs and calls, "Next."
"About time! Sue Sylvester."
"Good morning Ms Sylvester, I'm Joan Girardi. Welcome to Arcadia College."
"Skip the chitchat Boney-Joanie and sign me in."
Joan forces a smile to her face and checks her list. "Yes, I see you here. Sue Sylvester from Lima Ohio, representing the University of…"
"Are you going to waste my entire day telling me things I already know?"
"Sorry. If you will sign here, I have your credentials. Let's see when you are scheduled… Huh, that's a coincidence. You're just like me."
Sue laughs. "In what bizzaro world is a small town nobody like you anything like Sue Sylvester?"
Joan begins to get red in the face. "I just meant you are an alternate like me – a last minute substitute. By the way, Arcadia is more than twice the size of Lima."
"Quality always trumps quantity, and from what I've seen of your 'Arcadia', quantity is all you've got."
"Actually, Arcadia is considered one of the most beautiful towns in Maryland. We have an amazing riverfront, people come from all over the region to view the lovely fall foliage, there's a thriving art colony and we have a nationally known jazz festival."
"And long winded college kids… Wait, you have to be a graduate to be in this competition, but you're volunteering like the rest of these college kids?"
"I graduated last spring, but now I'm attending the School of Law."
"Wow, the same school for post-grad? Way to spread your wings, Boney. You probably still live with mummy and daddy."
"It…saves on expenses."
Sue laughs. "Pathetic. Listen hometown girl, don't think you can use your local status to influence the outcome of the sing off."
"None of the judges are local."
"I've been a judge in lots of different contests, and I know crowd reaction sways votes. Not mine of course, I'm above that sort of thing. Most of the crowd will be locals, but I won't let you use that against me. If I have to, I'll cut you off at the knees."
Sue picks up her paperwork and walks off while Joan stares open-mouthed in shock. She mutters…
"What a horrible woman."
Will steps closer. "A lot of people say that about Sue."
Joan blushes and puts her fingertips to her mouth. "Sir, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that about your friend."
Will chuckles. "Sue Sylvester may be a lot of things, but my friend is not one of them. Hi, I'm Will Schuester, also from Lima Ohio – so please don't judge the town by Sue."
Joan smiles and nods. "Of course not. If you'll sign here Mr. Schuester, I have your credentials. Your performance time is inside."
"Thanks, and I'm Will."
"One of my favorite names, and I'm Joan."
They shake hands and as Will walks away Joan comments, "Nice man."
X X X X X
Later that afternoon in the Arcadia College auditorium, the college president addresses the large crowd…
"…and all proceeds from the competition go to the alumni scholarship fund of the winning college. Now, we are happy to have with us our three member panel of judges. From Harlaxton College, musical director Professor Sheila Fryman. From St. John's Cathedral, choir director Reverend Quentin Le Grand, and last year's competition winner, Mrs. Lola Mayhugh. After a brief musical interlude by the Arcadia College orchestra, we will begin the first round where singers may pick any favorite tune of their choosing. Of course tomorrow, the finalists will be singing Christmas songs in honor of the season. Please enjoy…"
Backstage, Joan Girardi paces while wringing her hands and breathing hard. Will recognizes a severe case of stage fright and sympathizes.
"Nervous?" Will asks.
"I may throw up."
"No, you won't. Once you step on that stage the fear will go away and your talent will kick in. Trust me, this is common."
Joan wipes a bead of sweat from her brow. "Or maybe I'll just faint."
"Joan, concentrate on all the other times you've performed and how well that went. You were okay then, right?"
"I've only been on stage a couple of times."
"Really? Then how did you end up representing your school?"
"God only knows."
"Excuse me?"
"Uh, I mean fate can throw you some unexpected curve balls. As an undergrad I took a lot of vocals classes for my electives because I like to sing so much. Singing in front of a small class where I knew everyone didn't bother me, but the thought of going on stage…" (Joan shudders.) I just couldn't, even though my professor kept encouraging me to perform."
"So again, how did you end up here?"
"A string of bad luck. The usual alternate got a new job and couldn't be here. My old professor asked me to fill in, and a 'friend' encouraged me to agree…" (Joan pauses as she recalls that it was Little Girl God who gave her this assignment.) "Then yesterday, the woman who was suppose to sing went into labor three weeks early."
"Leaving you no time to prepare. No wonder you're nervous. But, that's the life of an alternate. The man Sue replaced had a sudden allergic reaction to peanuts, affecting his throat."
"Huh, for someone who is also last minute, 'Sue' seems remarkably confident and prepared. The only thing I could think to sing was my one song from my old high school musical. At least this time I don't have to wear zombie make-up."
"Zombie?"
"Oh, it was called 'Zombies in Love' – an original and fairly disastrous production. I played the part of the Queen of the Zombies. I just hope I do better this time." (Footnote #1)
"If you're still nervous, you could use the old trick…"
"Of picturing people in their underwear? That would only make me blush more. I think I'll stick with staring at the lights and pretending the audience isn't there… Oh, they're starting."
A spotlight shines on the darkened stage and the college president is heard to announce…
"And now our first entrant, please welcome Sue Sylvester."
As the audience applauds Will comments, "Sue caught a lucky break getting the first slot. Judges are always easier on the first one out of the gate..."
Sue strides onto stage wearing a tuxedo and a fedora hat cocked at an angle. She smiles confidently.
"Thank you President Snyder. It is an honor to be here on the beautiful campus of Arcadia College. This is my first visit to this lovely community, and I only regret I arrived too late to enjoy the famously beautiful fall foliage the Arcadia area is so justly known for. I did get a chance to stroll along the amazingly restored riverfront and I must say - well done Arcadia! No wonder so many artists flock to this city to paint such beautiful scenery. I know this won't be my last trip here. Hopefully I'll be able to make it back for your nationally renown jazz festival. I look forward to it. And now, with your permission, a favorite theme song from an old but always popular movie..."
Backstage Joan mutters, "That hypocrite!"
Will adds, "But it worked. You can sense the mood of the audience shifting to Sue's favor."
The orchestra's horn section fills the auditorium with the opening notes of Sue's surprising selection: Goldfinger. Using a wireless mike, Sue is free to move about the stage and gesture to the song, and she has painted her index finger gold! Sue gives a strong, enthusiastic rendition of the song, striking dramatic Bond-like poses and using her gold finger to imitate a gun, and also to wag the finger when she comes to the line, "don't go in." To everyone's delighted surprise, monitors in the dark suddenly light up with images from the old movie, flashing exciting scenes of James Bond, the evil Goldfinger and the female lead, 'Pussy Galore'.
"Is she allowed to do that?" Joan whispers.
"I...guess, but I've never seen it done before." Will answers.
Despite Sue's limited singing skills, her showmanship wows the audience. They respond with loud, extended applause and cheers. Sue smiles, bows and blows a kiss before exiting the stage. Sue passes Will and Joan, and with a wink declares...
"Like I said Will, it's not just about raw talent."
"Wait for the scores, Sue."
Moments later, the judges' scores appear on the main viewing screen. The two women judges give Sue 6 points each - respectable, but not usually high enough to make the finals. Then Rev. LeGrand's score appears - a perfect 10! Sue scores a surprisingly high, 22.
Will looks amazed. "That's...extraordinary. You rarely see tens."
Sue smiles. "Maybe the good reverend is a James Bond fan? Good luck Will, you'll need it. See you at the party."
X X X X X
Early that evening, the day's competition has come to an end. The scores have been tallied and the seven finalists have been picked for tomorrow's show. Sue Sylvester leaves the auditorium, acknowledging frequent compliments with a smile, but inwardly she has doubts. She made it - barely. Tied for last amongst the seven finalists, sharing a spot with that sweaty kid Joan. Sue grabs a cab to head downtown to a reception for all of today's singers and the competition's organizers. Sue pauses a moment as she sees about 75 yards away Joan talking with a street vendor. Could that be...? Sue shakes her head no. It was impossible, but that street vendor sure looks like Principal Figgins... (Footnote #2).
Joan smiles as she recognizes Street Vendor God. "Now here's a version I haven't seen in a long while. As I recall, the last time we met you were selling over priced sunglasses."
Street Vendor God, looking and sounding like a man from the subcontinent, replies with a smile, "They weren't over priced for the brand. This evening I'm selling scarves, knit caps and mittens. Business is brisk."
"I can imagine because you have all of the various schools' logos on them. One might suspect, buying them from a street vendor, that these are not legally authorized use of those logos?"
"Joan, you're sounding like a lawyer already. Did you enjoy the competition?"
"You know I didn't. I'm actually surprised I did so well. You didn't pull any strings for me, did you?"
"Joan, you made it all on your own. You have a lovely voice, and I always enjoy hearing you sing."
"Then you can listen to me in the shower. Now that it's over, I'm relieved. That is until I have to do it again tomorrow. At least I got to hear some great singing. Wasn't Will Schuester amazing? I thought he had made a huge mistake when he chose, 'Ice, Ice Baby'. But he was the only one who got a standing ovation and an encore. The second time through the whole audience was singing along."
"Yes, Will is very talented. This would have been his year to win."
"Would have? I feel another assignment coming on."
"I want you to help Sue Sylvester to win."
For a few moments Joan stares open-mouthed, but then she laughs. "And people say God doesn't have a sense of humor."
"I'm serious Joan. I want Sue to win."
"That mean-spirited, horror of a woman? Why?"
"Joan, how often do I tell you why?"
"Yeah, yeah, Instrument of God 101, act in faith. But come on...this?"
"Don't you have a party to go to?"
"Okay, hear and obey time. Can I ask how I'm suppose to help that marginally talented woman to win?"
"You will see your opportunity. Hurry along Joan, don't be late."
Joan sighs and heads for the parking lot. She glances over her shoulder and sees Street Vendor God giving her their traditional backhanded wave.
X X X X X
The Hotel Wentworth is the finest in Arcadia, and not even Sue Sylvester has a complaint as she circulates around the large, boisterous cocktail party. There are various finger foods, dips and other canapes available, but Sue sticks with her glass of wine. She spots Will sitting at the bar sipping an Old-Fashioned.
"Hello Will, enjoying your victory?"
Will smiles, relishing this rare moment of total victory over Sue. "Just as I predicted Sue, you were dead last."
"And you were first, exactly as I planned it."
"Come on Sue, you expect me to believe that?"
"Believe what you want, but think about it Will. Today you gave the performance of a lifetime. You were so motivated to beat me, you gave it all you could. I, on the other hand, failed to bring my 'A' game. Do you know why?"
"Because that's all you got?" Will says with a smile.
"Truly, all of that hair goop must be seeping into your brain. You Will, raised the bar for yourself to impossible standards. Where else can you go from here but down? But I showed only a fraction of what I'm capable of. Tomorrow, when I pull out all of the stops, the judges will be awed by how I dug deep and came up with my performance of a lifetime. The comparison of my astounding improvement, especially compared to your decline, no matter how slight, will put me over the top."
As Sue confidently smiles, a small frown crosses Will's face. Maybe the alcohol is fogging his thinking, but Sue actually seems to be making sense. Has he made a tactical error? Will has never considered such thoughts at any other competition, but going up against Sue he is begining to see the need for strategy.
"Aww, what happened to your big smile, Will? Here, let me buy you another drink. I'll put it on my room tab. Of course when I win our bet tomorrow, you'll have to pay all of my bills."
As Sue signals for the bartender, Joan enters the room and notices the pair at the bar. Huh, she never thought she would see those two being so buddy/buddy. Joan grabs a glass of the non-alcohol wine and picks a corner where she can keep an eye on Sue...to help her? God, really, this isn't a joke?
Will says, "What song did you pick for tomorrow, Sue?"
"Santa Baby."
"A fun song, and I imagine you can do a lot with it. Your style will make it...a hit."
"Ouch. That must have hurt to admit. How about you, Will?"
"When Christ Was Born."
"Tough song, very demanding. The service in this place...hey bartender!"
As Sue makes one of her usual scenes, Will takes out his cell phone and sends a quick text to the competition's program director. You're not the only one who can have strategies, Sue...
Across the room, Joan's watches as Sue finally gets the Old-Fashioned she ordered. Joan can barely believe her eyes as she clearly sees Sue slip a few drops of some liquid from a tiny vial into the drink. With a grin on her face, Sue hands the drink to Will. Joan hesitates, wondering what to do. She likes Will Schuester and admires his talent. It was only fair that he should win this sing off, but her assignment is to help Sue. Apparently the 'horrible woman' has a scheme of her own to get rid of her main competition. Surely she wouldn't harm Will over a singing contest, but Joan has no doubt whatever is in that drink will knock Will out of tomorrow's competition. Joan watches as Will raises the glass to his lips...
To Be Continued. Please review.
Footnote #1, Joan Girardi's Zombies in Love song is available on You Tube.
Footnote #2, Iqbal Theba (Principal Figgins) also played Street Vendor God on Joan of Arcadia.