"Heero, Heero, you alright?" Quatre asks when Heero walks into the room like a zombie.
The dark rings under his eyes scare him.
"Of course I am..." Heero answers emontionlessly as always.
He wasn't, not really at least, last night he'd been tortured by nightmares, the same nightmares he has every night, but they still get to him everytime.
/please stop, don't hurt me!/
he hears a young boy shout, he knows he's hearing himself, the voice is painful.
He skakes his head, the memories need to go, he needs to be the perfect soldier.
"I know something's bothering you Heero!" Trowa says, he sounds concerned.
Heero shakes his head. "Just thinking about my next mission, ok?" he murmers.
Trowa wants to speak again, but Quatre silences him. "He doesn't want to tlak about it, let him alone, ok?" he says calmly.
Trowa nods. "Yeah, sorry..." he answes softly.
Heero sits down, still trying to get rid of the memories. He keeps struggling with them, every morning he had to calm himself for at least an hour. But today he didn't really have the time to do so, he had a mission in 15 minutes and he overslept.
"Hey Heero, not to sound stupid or to make fun out of you, but are you really planning to go on a mission wearing only your boxers?" Quatre asks.
Heero looked down, cursing himself, he'd been so out of it today that he forgot to dress himself. Lucky for him his superiours aren't around.
/Keep your mind tothe cause, that is all that matters, no emotions no mistakes!/
Voices in his head again, he wishes he could just get rid of them, but they keep torturing him.
It gets worse every day, memories just can't be deleted.
'I wish my head was a computer, then I could delete all programs that don't work proparly, a computer doesn't have emotions, it doesn't make mistakes, it just does what other people tell it to do' he thinks, sighing sadly.
He goes back into his bedroom, putting on his clothes. Subconsiously thinking what Trowa and Quatre would've said if he was wearing teddybear boxers.
He smiles. 'Crazy thought, Heero Yuy, wearing teddybear boxers, what is wrong with you Yuy?' he thinks.
/A soldier doesn't wear these things, you're a weak soldier!/
Heero gets angry at himself, forcing the memories away.
He runs towards the door, knowing that memories always disappear when he's doing his work.
"Bye Heero, goodluck!" Quatre says encouraging.
Heero merely nods. 'Of course I can do it, I was born to do this!' he thinks.
2 hours later
Heero walks back into the savehouse, silent, shocked.
"Heero?" Quatre asks.
Heero doesn't answer, he just sits down on the couch.
Quatre takes place besides him. "I think I've been vry patient up until now, can you tell me what's going on?" he asks.
Heero looks at him, knowing he won't get out of this. "I blew the mission ok?" he murmers.
"Howcome?" Trowa asks, taking the place on the other side of the couch.
Heero doesn't answer, he feels emberassed.
"Heero, you can tell us everything you know!" Quatre says.
"I can't..." Heero says softly, feeling tears welling up in his eyes, but suppressing them.
Trowa and Quatre exchange a suprised look, they never saw these kind of emotions with Heero.
Quatre nods. "OK, but if you want to talk about it, you can always come to me, or to Trowa for that matter, we'll always listen!" he decides to say.
"And of course, everything you say will stay between us, neither of us will ever tell anyone else." Trowa says calmly.
Heero is waging an all out battle with his pride and feelings, finally starting to cry, for the first time in 12 years, uncontrolable tears.
Quatre puts an arm around him and Trowa watches nervously at Heero, the perfect soldier had never cried before, he'd never been this vonurable.
Heero tries to go back to his cold and emotionless self, but the tears won't stop.
"It's ok Heero, you're allowed to cry!" Quatre says soothing.
"Ever since I became a Gundam Pilot, Docter J and other professors trained me in every possible way..." Heero starts talking, he doesn't want to, but for some reason his mouth just keeps saying the words.
"At first it wasn't so bad yet, I had to learn how to pilot the Wing, shoot targets, I even liked it.
But in my first test mission I had to kill people, I couldn't, I couldn't do it... I returned to the base, only to find out the professors were waiting for me, tying me down to the examination table, telling me furious words, yelling and slamming me with fists and whips... I wasn't allowed to scream, I wasn't allowed to show emotions, I had to kill... I cried my eyes out, screaming and begging them to stop..."
Heero stops for a while, looking from Quatre to Trowa, Trowa looks startled, his eyes wide open, Quatre looks at him encouraging, motioning him into speech.
"Everytime I screamed... or cried, they punished me more, they wanted to get rid of my emotions through hurting me... I slept in a dark prison cell every night, on a cold stone floor, but I didn't mind, as long as I was in there, I was save, no killings, no punishments.
For three times, they nearly hit me to death, but they just put me back in my cell until I woke up again, after that it was back to my missions.
I slowly got rid of my emotions, became the cold solier I am nowadays, but the scars remain. On the outside as well as on the inside..."
He finishes the story. Still crying with his eyes closed, he slowly opens them, noticing he's laying in Quatre's arms, but not remembering how he got there. He sits up straight again.
"That's quite a story, Heero, how have you been able to keep this to yourself all the time?" Quatre asks.
Heero shakes his head. "I don't know, pride... fear maybe..." he murmers. "I... I'm glad I could talk to you about it guys... thanks so much!"
Trowa smiles, putting a hand on Heero's shoulder. "You don't have to hide anything from us, you know!" he says.
Heero nods. "I know now..." he says, drying his tears.
Quatre suddenly notices how tired Heero looks. "Shall I bring you to bed? I'll stay with you until you fall asleep!" he whispers.
Heero nods, he feels uncertain about it, but he doesn't want to go to sleep alone.
Quatre stands up, waiting for Heero to follow him.
When Heero has undressed again, he gets back into bed, Quatre takes a seat besides him, putting a hand on his head, playing soflty with the guys hair.
Heero looks at him with sleepfilled eyes. "I know it sounds childish, but please don't stop, it feels comforting..." he murmers.
Quatre nods, continuing until Heero falls asleep, not leaving the room for the next 30 minutes.
When Heero wakes up after 3 hours, he finds out it was the first night in 12 years he slept without nightmares, he knows that talking was good for him and he'll be eternally grateful for that