Twenty-one
A/N: So, this is the first Kingdom Hearts fic that I have ever felt comfortable with posting, and I'm not even sure why because, man, are there a million afterlife!AkuRoku fics out there, huh? Well, in any case, enjoy my spin on it.
Warnings: Nothing bad, really. Swearwords, mentions of light drug use, and a bit of romanticism, yanno how it goes.
Pairings: Axel/Roxas, light Roxas/Xion, and others in the background that aren't entirely relevant to the plot.
Summary: They meet again, but it takes them a long time to find each other, and, while Roxas waits, he grows up. [In which meeting in the next life doesn't go quite as planned. AkuRoku.]
Disclaimer: Disclaimed.
–one
Roxas is eight (and a half) and Axel is the kid who his parents tell him to play with that summer when they're visiting Uncle Reno, who isn't really his uncle, but who gives him money on his birthdays, so close enough.
Axel bosses him around. He has green eyes that remind Roxas of the snake from the Jungle Book–more because they're hypnotic than because of their color–and red hair that sticks out every which way and reminds Roxas of a porcupine, but he hasn't seen any Disney movies that have porcupines in them, so he doesn't really have a point of reference for that one. It just seems like the right connection to make, for some reason.
They're in the basement of Axel's house, where there are toys and even a TV and a Nintendo-64. In the corner by the stairs is Axel's older sister, Kairi, who's eleven, so she's talking on the phone and giggling about whatever. Roxas likes her well enough, she's always nice to him and she's friends with his older brother, Sora, who's at summer camp, but she's still a girl, so he stays away from her.
"Alright, get me my firetruck," Axel tells him, pointing to where the plastic, red vehicle is, a few feet away.
"But–" starts Roxas.
"Shut up and get it for me," the redhead demands, crossing his arms. He's ten and he's tall and he's kinda cool, so Roxas does what he says.
Upstairs he can hear his parents talking with Uncle Reno, and he tries to concentrate on that, because it's fun to hear his mom and dad when they're not yelling at him to sit still or pay attention, and it's also fun to hear them not being called Mom and Dad.
"How come you don't have a dad?" he asks Axel, as he hands the other boy the firetruck.
"'Cause he died," replies Axel, and he holds the firetruck for a second before shrugging and chucking it to the side.
Roxas may be eight (and a half), but he's never heard of something like that before. He wasn't even aware that people's parents could die. How would that even happen? Blue eyes wide and innocent he goes, "How?"
"Iunno," Axel answers, narrowing his eyes and frowning, eyebrows knitting together. "Why do you care?"
"Axel," says Kairi, from the other side of the basement, her eyes uncharacteristically hard and the phone held to her chest, "be nice."
Axel grumbles something low that sounds like a string of swearwords that Roxas has only ever heard from adults when they think he's not listening, and then the redhead slinks over to the TV and turns on the Nintendo.
Roxas sits next to him on the couch and Axel ignores him, but it's not so bad.
–two
There's some big reunion thing when Roxas is nine, where his parents and their friends and relatives all go to the local park on the fourth of July and it's kind of cool, in a way, especially since he gets to stay out past his bedtime.
He hangs out with his friends from school, Hayner, Pence and Olette–who is the only girl they let hang out with them, partly because her dad is Mr. Leonhart, who is the coolest dad in the entire world, because he never pays attention to what they do when they're over at her house.
Uncle Reno is there, of course, because he's the best at getting fireworks, or, anyway, that's what Roxas's dad tells him. And since Reno is there, so are Kairi and Axel, because it's not like they're going to sit around at home.
Roxas gets a hug from Kairi and pretends that it's annoying when she calls him adorable and too cute, but really he thinks that she might just be the prettiest girl he's ever seen, even though Sora is the one she really likes, and he knows that.
Axel does nothing of the sort and, in fact, rolls his eyes at the whole thing, before Reno turns to his nephew and is like, "Yo, Ax, you're watching the kids!" Which would be hilarious–considering Axel can't be any older than eleven and, therefore, is also a kid–but isn't because he's Axel, and this means that Roxas and his friends are probably going to have to do whatever the redhead tells them to.
Surprisingly, Axel doesn't say much of anything to them and, after a while, wanders off and leaves them all alone.
"That guy is weird," Hayner says, crossing his arms and trying to look threatening. Naturally, since he's nine, it doesn't work that well.
"I think he's cute," decides Olette, clapping her hands together and doing that thing girls do–where they look all dreamy.
"Blech," says Pence, shaking his head, "you're such a girl, 'Lette."
"I kinda can't help it," Olette huffs, hands on her hips, and she stalks off, probably to find some other girls to talk to. Pence and Hayner are both helplessly in love (or, what they think is love) with her, because she's the only girl they know who will play video games with them, so they both go after her.
Roxas finds himself very much alone, even though he's surrounded by relatives and friends. All of them people who he doesn't want to talk to, but who think he's positively precious with those big eyes and that sullen pout, so he decides to look for someone who won't annoy him half to death.
This someone turns out to be Axel.
"Um," Roxas says, "hi."
Axel is sitting on top of a picnic table by himself, legs dangling over the side to rest on the bench, and arms stretched out behind him. He raises an eyebrow and echoes, "Um, hey?" There's a sudden explosion in the air, the first firework, and a bunch of oohs and aahs from everyone in attendance.
Roxas scrambles up on top of the picnic table and, unconsciously, mirrors Axel's way of sitting up there, turning his face up to the sky as more and more bursts of color appear across the dark sky.
Later on, when Roxas is half-asleep and walking with his family to his car, he turns and sees Axel looking at him across the parking lot. The blond raises a hand to wave good-bye.
Axel just turns away and gets in his car, so Roxas does the same.
–three
On Roxas's first day of middle school, he learns that Axel's dad isn't really dead.
He finds this out because he sees the redhead across the lunchroom and mentions this to Hayner, who's brother Demyx has, apparently, become friends with Axel at some point.
Hayner's all, "His dad isn't dead, he's just gone."
"Gone?" asks Roxas, cocking his head to the side and considering the word. He knows by now that people die all the time, because he watches TV shows where it happens. But gone is much more ominous, somehow. If someone dies, they're dead, he thinks, but if they're gone, who's to say what's happened to them?
"Yep," replies his best friend, taking a sip from the little carton of chocolate milk that came with his lunch. "Gone, like on The X-Files and stuff."
"Oh, yeah," says Roxas. He's watched The X-Files before. "That makes sense."
He sees the redhead in the hallway and their eyes meet for just a second, but that's all there is to it.
–four
He and Naminé are in band together.
Naminé is small, and pale, and blonde–and so is Roxas. So they've got that going for them.
She plays the flute and he plays the trumpet and sometimes they talk to each other when they're putting their instruments away after class. Roxas will say something that isn't really funny, and Naminé will laugh anyway and that's how Hayner says you know a girl likes you.
Roxas asks her to the dance that's coming up at the end of the year and she says, "Oh, my parents don't want me to go to dances," and looks at the floor and it's awkward.
But Roxas says, "That's alright! I just wanted to go as friends, so it's not a big deal, yanno."
Naminé looks sort of crushed when he says that, and he hurries away.
He likes her well enough, he supposes, it's just–when he asked her, in that split second before she answered, he realized that, if she had said yes, he would not have known what to do with himself.
In fact, he realizes, his heart sinking down into his stomach, he's never once thought of kissing her. Hayner had told him months ago that he thought about kissing Olette all the time, and he had actually gone and done it a few weeks ago.
Roxas thinks to himself, as he's walking to his locker to get his math book, he can't even begin to imagine kissing Naminé. She's cute and sweet and all, but she's too–too something, that he can't name.
He twists the combination of his locker open and grabs his math book, pausing as he hears this obnoxious laughter behind him. He's at that age where every time he hears someone laughing he's completely convinced that they're laughing at him. It doesn't help that he turns to see Axel and Demyx a few feet away, cracking up about something or another.
"Yo, Rox!" says Demyx, looking genuinely happy to see him. Demyx is just that sort of person, who doesn't really care if anyone's staring at him because he's talking to a sixth grader. "How goes school? My brother being a pain in the ass?"
"Uh, no, he-he's fine," Roxas answers, looking to the side and pretending that there's something more he needs in his locker.
"Hm," Demyx hums, "I guess he's only that way to me. Hey, do y'know Axel, here?"
"We've met," says Axel, and Roxas turns to see that the redhead looks less than thrilled.
"We–my parents–and his uncle," stutters Roxas, trying to remember exactly how they know each other again. His mind seems to have gone pathetically blank.
"Iiiinteresting," drawls Demyx, grinning brightly. "Well, gotta go, Rox, class and all. See ya this weekend, I'm sure."
Then the two older boys are gone and Roxas is slamming his locker shut and running to his math class, sure he's going to be late.
He's two minutes early and pretty sure the flush on his cheeks isn't just from running.
–five
"Why in the world," says Hayner, incredulous, "do you wanna know more about Axel Andersen?"
"It's not that I want to," Roxas says, holding up his hands defensively and trying his best to smile good-naturedly. His best isn't very good. "I just, um, I don't get why he doesn't like me. It's weird, 'cause I used to go over his house when I was little–but we don't really know each other."
"Well, I guess that makes sense," the other boy admits, with a shrug. They're watching some show about ghost hunters, but he turns down the volume anyway, and sighs, considering the initial question.
What do you know about Axel?
"I dunno much," Hayner says, slowly, his face all screwed up, which shows how hard he's thinking. "He and Dem became friends when they met in middle school and now they're kinda like, uh, well, this." He twines his index and middle fingers together, grinning a bit. "Like us, sorta. Dem's always saying how he's really funny and stuff, and he likes scary movies, but, yeah, that's really all I know."
"Oh," says Roxas, sort of dissapointed, and he's not even sure why that is. "Well, um. You said his Dad is gone. Why–I mean, d'you know why he's gone?"
"No, actually," Hayner says, frowning. "Dem might, but he only mentioned it at dinner a while back when my mom asked about Axel's parents. And, ah, yeah, I guess Axel's mom doesn't talk to anyone."
"Doesn't talk to anyone," Roxas echoes, thoughtfully. He tries to imagine his own mother, with her soft green eyes and brown curly hair, not asking him how school was, or not telling him goodnight. He can't.
"Totally weird, right?" Hayner asks, but he doesn't sound all that interested.
A few minutes later the volume on the television is up again and they've both all but forgotten their previous conversation.
–six
Axel comes to Roxas's eighth grade band performance.
Well, Axel comes to the eighth grade band performance, anyway. It's not like he specifically comes to it to see Roxas. He's actually tagging along with Demyx, Hayner says, when they see the redhead in the hallway while they're waiting to go on stage, in their tuxedo jackets and white dress shirts.
"Hey, Axel!" yells Hayner, down the hallway, garnering quite a few stares in his effort. The redhead, who's standing with a few other people outside of the gym doors where the concert is being held, sees him and waves a bit, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiles.
Roxas stands in front of Hayner in line, because he's first chair and Hayner is second, and he just stares at Axel, who doesn't even seem to notice him.
"Yeah, he's pretty cool, I guess," Hayner is saying, with a shrug, as he nervously plays with the spit valve on his trumpet. "I, uh, walked in on him and Dem making out last week."
Roxas is like, "What?"
Everyone around them looks and sees who was yelling and then ignores it. Roxas is generally pretty quiet, but he has a tendancy to make little outbursts like that from time to time.
"Heh, well, yanno." Hayner shrugs with a weak sort of smile. "I was gonna tell you right after it happened actually, like call you or something. But then I kind of felt like a girl."
"Fuck," goes Roxas, and the swearword rolls off his tongue easily, even though he rarely uses it. "Did you–I mean, didn't you think it was weird or, uh, something?" He's trying, and failing miserably, to sound casual.
"Uh, no?" Hayner sounds unsure of his answer, as if he hadn't even really considered that someone would think that something like that was weird. "I mean, I dunno, at first I thought it was kind of funny, but then I was like–whatever works for them, right? It's not my life, or...whatever."
"Oh." Roxas pauses for a moment and realizes that everyone around them is talking and paying no attention to their conversation, so he adds, "Yeah, that makes sense to me."
He messes up about ten times in their first song because he keeps thinking he sees fire-red hair out in the audience.
–seven
Roxas is laying on his bed, looking over the list of summer reading he's supposed be doing for his upcoming freshman year of high school. He sighs and figures this is what he gets for signing up for advanced English classes.
All of a sudden, when he looks up, Axel is in his doorway. Which is kind of odd, considering Axel has never, to the best of his knowledge, been in his house before.
"Um," Axel says, looking about half as nervous as Roxas feels, which is, in and of itself, pretty surprisingly. "Uh, Kairi–she dragged me along. She's here for Sora. And, so, well. Yeah."
"Yeah?" asks Roxas, because he's not sure what else to say.
"Well, no," admits Axel, sounding sheepish, which is even more surprising than him looking nervous. "Reno kinda kicked us out of the house for the afternoon, 'cause–well, three redheads sitting around in eighty degree weather ain't no fun, yeah?" He laughs, but it's feeble, small, and sounds fake. Roxas stares at him.
"But what are you doing here?" he finally manages to say, wondering how his hair looks.
"Kairi drove us here." The redhead's worrying at his lip, sort of staring off the side. "I don't know anyone who lives around here–but we...sorta know each other, right?"
"Well," Roxas goes, "well, yeah. Sorta. You used to boss me around when we were kids."
Axel suddenly sports what can only be described as a shit-eating grin, though Roxas is loathe to use such terminology.
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" The redhead sounds almost proud and doesn't even offer the apology that Roxas has been waiting for all these years.
"Yeah, you did," Roxas says. This isn't going at all how he had imagined it–because he has imagined this. Actually talking to Axel. But it's never been so full of empty words and questions. It's always had more to do with smiles and laughter and something more that he's never been able to name.
Axel opens his mouth to say something else, but suddenly Kairi's calling down the hallway, like, "C'mon, Ax, we're going to get ice cream!" and then the redhead is gone, with a little wave of his hand.
Sora sticks his head into his little brother's room and asks, "You wanna come, too, Rox?"
"No, I have summer reading to do," Roxas mumbles, keeping his eyes trained on the paper in front of him, hoping his brother won't see the way his cheeks are red and his eyes are unfocused.
If he does, he doesn't mention it. He just says, "If you're sure," and then he's gone.
–eight
Of all the people God hates, Roxas sometimes thinks (foolishly, because he's fourteen) that God hates him the most.
His advanced English class is Axel's normal English class. He sits in-between Seifer Almasy and the redhead and, at this point in his life, he kind of prefers Seifer's brand of torture, which is to do childish things like make it hard for him to grab papers that are being passed back, all while asking him about Hayner for some reason.
Yeah, Seifer might be annoying as hell, but Axel–
It's hard to do work just because he can sometimes feel Axel sitting behind him, or looking at him. Never mind the times where the older boy taps him on the shoulder and hisses something like, "Hey, kid, you got any paper I can borrow?"
Roxas has a whole binder full of looseleaf paper.
His mom asks him why he's going through it so fast and he just shrugs, like he doesn't know that it's because he can't say no to Axel.
–nine
Near the end of the year they have a project to do in English and they get to pick partners. Everyone else is enthused by this announcement. Roxas sits in his seat, staring at the paper outlining the project, and hates it. He's the only freshman in the class and he's barely said a word all year, so he knows there's no one who will even consider working with him.
He's almost to the point of asking Seifer, but the blond is already leaning over and talking to Fuu, quietly.
Roxas looks around and, yeah, everyone's already split up into groups, so he just knows he's going to be the kid that the teacher has to push into some other group, and he'll probably end up doing most of the work. He'd much rather work by himself than have that happen.
"Hey," comes this voice behind him, and he's being tapped on the shoulder.
Roxas turns to see Axel smiling at him half-heartedly.
"Hey, um," Axel says, "wanna work with me?"
Roxas' first impulse is to go yesohgodyes and then it's to go no and then–"Yeah. Yeah, sure." Because even if he's positive this is not a good idea, he can't help but feel relieved that someone's asking him to work with them.
Axel nods and goes up to the teacher's desk to put their names down, and it takes Roxas a few minutes to realize that that means that the redhead knows his full name, has probably always known it, without having to ask.
He smiles down at his desk where someone in one of the previous hours doodled little hearts in pencil.
–ten
They have to present their project a week later. Roxas did most of the work, but it has both of their names on it, and he doesn't really mind, because he basically spent an entire weekend at the local library with Axel, even if he was the only one reading over all the Greek myths that they were assigned to do the project on.
The teacher says their names, "Axel Andersen and Roxas Strife," and he likes the way they sound together.
–eleven
When they get their grading sheets passed back on the last day of school and see that they got an A- on the project, Axel taps his shoulder and leans forward, hissing into his ear, "Sora's coming over to my house for dinner tomorrow night."
Roxas knows this. Knows that Sora and Kairi are dating now, and Sora is one of those weird guys who's all gentlemanly and agrees to things like having dinner over at his girlfriend's house. He's just not sure why Axel's telling him this, and he goes, "Yeah. So?"
"So," Axel whispers, and Roxas can feel his breath, hot, on the back of his neck, "you should come, too. If you want to."
Roxas wants to, and that's how he ends up at the Andersen house the following night, eating spaghetti and grinning as Kairi and Reno argue over who makes better spaghetti sauce.
Axel goes, "Doesn't matter, Mom still makes the best," and Kairi nods at that because, as everyone knows, your mom always makes the best of everything, because she's your mom.
"Did she make this?" Roxas asks, and the question is innocent enough, because all he remembers hearing about their Mom was something years back about how she was quiet–something like that, anyway.
"Nah," Reno says, his smile forced, and, to Roxas, he's just Reno now, no Uncle about him, "I did. Not as good as her's, Ax is right, but it's not too bad, yeah?"
Later on, when Roxas is following Axel downstairs and the others are upstairs talking, the blond says, "Sorry about that," and, "I didn't mean to make everyone feel weird when I asked–"
"It's fine." Axel has no qualms about interrupting people. "You didn't." The basement is almost the same as Roxas remembers it, surprisingly, though all the toys are in boxes and covered in dust, and there's an empty phone jack where the phone Kairi would talk on used to be. The TV is still in the corner, and now there's a PS2 sitting there.
"Yeah, but, I know you guys probably would rather not–I dunno," Roxas mumbles, shrugging.
"Like I said, it's fine," Axel says, and he says it with a sense of finality, as he leans over to turn on the PS2.
He's in the middle of watching the redhead kill zombies in Resident Evil when Axel, out of nowhere, goes, "My mom lives in this–institution place. A few years back Reno had her committed. He'd practically been raising me and Kairi by that point, anyway, so."
"Oh," Roxas says, because there's nothing else you can really say to that.
"Yeah, I know," Axel somehow manages to grin. "Weird, right? But it's–I mean, everyone said it was for the best. And I hate seeing here there, but after my dad died and all, she kind of went all weird. She wouldn't even talk to any–oh, fuck, almost got me there!" It takes Roxas a few moments to realize that Axel is talking about the zombies in the game.
"I thought," Roxas stops abruptly, then rephrases, "I mean, your Dad–he's really dead?"
"Mm, well." Axel half-shrugs, his eyes still glued to the television screen. "He went missing. He worked on boats and stuff, yanno? I'm not sure what exactly he did, but this one day, when I was little, they came and told my mom that his ship had gone missing."
"But–" starts Roxas.
"I know, I know," Axel sighs, finally pausing the game. "It's just, something in me–knows, I guess. He was legally declared dead after a couple of years, anyway, but I've always just known that he wasn't alive. I know it sounds weird."
"I didn't say that," replies Roxas, even though he was kind of thinking it.
"Yeah, well." The redhead runs one hand through his hair. "I dunno why I'm telling you this, anyway. Or why I told you to come over, honestly." Playing with the analog stick on the controller, he glances at Roxas for a second and then shrugs. "Something about you–I dunno. It's like." He sighs, heavily. "Like, you kind of annoy me, but I like having you around."
"Ah," says Roxas. He's not sure how to respond, something that seems to happen alarmingly often when they talk. "Well, that's–"
He doesn't get to say what that is, though, because all of a sudden Reno's yelling down the stairs that Sora is leaving and if Roxas doesn't want to walk twenty miles home he should probably get his ass upstairs.
So, Roxas goes, "Um, bye, then."
And, Axel goes, "Yeah, see ya."
It's a couple of years before they talk again.
–twelve
Roxas spends the summer doing nothing. Not in the way he usually does nothing, which involves Hayner and video games and a big screen TV. Not even in the sort of way where he might go to the beach and stare out at the ocean and get a sunburn because he forgets to put on any sunscreen.
He does absolutely nothing.
People call and he ignores them. He stops signing onto instant messengers and never checks his Facebook. His phone's text messaging inbox gets full and it's mostly nothing but questions like 'rox?' and 'u ever going to text me back?' from various friends.
Sora does that older brother thing where he comes into his room and drags him out to the patio set in their backyard one night and they talk, surrounded by citronella candles and their mom's potted plants of flowers.
"It's nothing," Roxas says with a shrug, "I'm just–I dunno. Tired, or something."
"Do you think," Sora says, tapping a hand idly against the arm of the chair he's sitting in, the frown looking out of place on his face, "that, maybe, you're like. Um. Sad. Depressed, or whatever?"
"No, no," Roxas replies, shaking his head. He doesn't mind the question, maybe even kind of expected it, but doesn't mind it, because Sora won't press the issue, he's just wondering what the answer is. "It's not that. It's more like. Have you ever–just...not felt?"
Sora cocks his head to the side, frown deepening and Roxas knows it was a dumb question. Sora is incapable of not feeling about anything. He's eighteen and he still cries at The Lion King when Mufasa dies. He named the cat they got when they were kids Simba, for fuck's sake, and would talk to it about how he would never abandon it.
No, Sora feels far too much to ever understand what it's like to not feel, and that's not his fault at all, but it certainly doesn't make the conversation any easier.
"It doesn't matter," the blond finally says after a long silence, and Sora opens his mouth, looking like he desperately wants to relate and help, but isn't sure how to. "Really, So. When school starts up–it'll be better then. I just need things to do, I think."
His older brother nods, but still looks troubled, and something in Roxas sort of warms and he realizes that it's love, but doesn't say anything, because love isn't something you talk about with your brother when you're fifteen.
–thirteen
School starts up again and it's not better.
In fact, he thinks, it might even be worse.
Somehow he's managed to be in all advanced classes, and that means that none of them are with his friends. He tries to tell himself that he and Hayner don't hang out as much because Hayner is dating Olette now. And he and Pence don't hang out because they've never been that close. But he knows he's making excuses, and he isn't stupid enough to fool himself into thinking that they're legitimate excuses either, so it doesn't help any.
It seems like he spends every day doing the same thing. He wakes up, he gets ready, he rides the bus to school and stares out the window. He sits in classes and doesn't talk unless it's absolutely necessary. None of his friends have the same lunch as him, so he spends that time in the library, doing homework. By the time he gets home he's exhausted and it feels weird to talk when his parents say things to him, so mostly he just shrugs or nods or shakes his head.
Through it all he's really, really tired, too. Like, the sort of tired where he slept too much, so it borders more on what he supposes is referred to as groggy.
Whatever you want to call it, it sucks and Roxas thinks–knowing full well that he's wallowing in the thick of it–that 'sucks' is putting it lightly.
One day, he goes into the band room after school to get his trumpet so he can take it home and stare at the case and think about practicing–something he hasn't done since middle school, back when Hayner was in band, too.
While he's there he bumps into this person who's a bit smaller than him, with short black hair and bright blue eyes. For a second he thinks it's a boy, because they're wearing a baggy sweatshirt and what look to be pajama pants, but then she talks and he realizes that it's just a girl who never grew out of being a tomboy.
"Whoops!" she goes, grinning. "Sorry about that."
"It's okay," he mumbles in response, his voice feeling slightly dusty from misuse.
"You play trumpet, too?" she gasps, seeing the case in his hand. He sort of nods and sort of shrugs, feeling like that answer is pretty obvious. "Sweet, man. You in Symphonic Band or something?"
"Yeah, um," Roxas says.
"I'm Xion," she declares, grinning wide. She is unbearably alive, he decides, and he kind of likes it.
"Roxas," he replies, and there are some people who would call the slight upturn of his lips a smile. As it turns out, Xion is one of them.
–fourteen
Xion makes him feel better, in this odd way that he can't put a name to. She demands to be introduced to his friends, and so Roxas starts hanging out with those friends again. She decides that they're going to do petty, illegal things, like sneak into movies, and it makes him laugh until his stomach hurts when they run away on the rare occasions that they get caught.
It's something like, he thinks to himself at one point, she is so full of life that being around her is making him feel that way, too. Except, that sounds cheesy and like the soap operas his mom watches sometimes, and not like real life, but it's as close as he can get to describing their friendship.
She and Sora get along famously, and Xion squeals at the brunet's collection of old Disney VHS tapes. Hayner thinks she's really, really cool, and also the only person better than him on a skateboard. Olette likes having a girl to giggle with, and teaches Xion how to do her nails all pretty. Pence likes absolutely everyone, and Xion's love of computers doesn't hurt.
So, yeah, Xion becomes part of the group, even though she's a freshman, and Roxas, for the first time, in a long time, feels.
He asks her to the Homecoming dance and she says yes and they hold hands when they walk in the hallway together.
It feels–feels–wonderfully normal.
–fifteen
The Homecoming theme this year is Neverland and there are Peter Pan cut-outs on the walls of the gym, which, Roxas supposes, is the extent of the theme, because everyone there seems like they want to be much older than they actually are.
He's standing off to the side and sipping punch and Xion is standing next to him.
She looks very pretty, in this cute little black dress with gold sparkles and matching gold shoes, her short hair in a little updo. It's the first time he's seen her in anything remotely girly, and–yes, she looks very pretty, he thinks to himself.
"Do you want to...dance?" she asks, hesitating before saying the last word, like she isn't sure that she means to ask that.
Roxas supposes that dancing is probably what people do at Homecoming. At least, that's the nice word for what their fellow students are doing on the makeshift dancefloor. He considers dancing with Xion, for a few seconds.
"Not really," he answers, after a moment. He takes another sip of his punch.
"Oh." Xion is clutching this little gold purse, and Roxas wonders what's in there. He can't imagine what sorts of things she would need a purse for at Homecoming. Maybe, like, tampons or whatever.
"Sorry," Roxas mumbles, glancing at her for a second and then quickly looking away when their eyes meet. "I–" He's not sure what he wants to say. 'I liked you better when you looked like a boy'? 'I think you look pretty, but not attractive'? 'I shouldn't have asked you to come here with me, it's not fair to you'? They all apply, really.
"It's okay," she reassures him, with a smile that he knows is fake, because it's nothing near the sparkling one that she usually dons. "It's not your fault."
Roxas frowns down at his punch, because he knows that it is.
–sixteen
Xion moves away after that schoolyear, and Roxas never really gets a clear explanation as to why, and never hears from her after that, either.
For some reason this causes him to think of Axel. Or maybe it's because Hayner complains about having to do a project on Greek myths for his English class. Perhaps it's both things, coming together.
In any case, he thinks of Axel, and something in him hurts–something in him misses the boy with hypnotic, green eyes like a snake and wild, red hair like a porcupine.
He asks Sora, who broke up with Kairi ages and ages ago, what ever happened to Axel?
"I think he's going to college in–um, oh, I don't know," is Sora's answer, after a moment of silent thinking, which involves him jutting out his lower lip and narrowing those bright blue eyes of his. "I really don't remember. You could ask Demyx, though!"
He asks Demyx, who, like Sora, is staying at home while he takes a few college classes, what school is Axel going to?
"Well, yanno, I don't know exactly," admits Demyx, scratching at the back of his head and looking thoughtful. "He told me, God, a forever ago, back before he left, but–I mean, it's out in Balamb, back where he grew up. Oh, Reno went there, actually, so he'll know for sure. Lemme find his number for you."
He asks Reno, using the number Demyx gives him, and hoping he isn't annoying the much older redhead, what's the name of the college in Balamb that Axel is at?
"He ain't at college anymore," Reno replies, sounding kind of exhausted, and sad, as he says the words. "He's just kind of–around, I guess. Sorry, kid. You're Cloud's youngest son, right? Yeah, I remember you. Well, in any case, I guess I could give you his cell phone number, but, I'll warn ya, he almost never answers."
–seventeen
Roxas dials the number and it rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and–
"Y'ello?" goes Axel, sounding bored and something else that Roxas can't name–but will, in a year or two, realize is the airy tone of voice that one gets when they've smoked a bunch of weed.
"Um, hi," says Roxas, which is pretty much a standard greeting for him, and sounds less unsure coming from his mouth than it would any others.
There's a long pause and Roxas can hear people talking and then the distinct sound of a sliding door closing and then, "Is this–I mean, who is this?"
"Roxas," he offers, wondering if Axel will even remember him. Axel who's just kind of around, who went to college in Balamb, who he hasn't seen since spaghetti and Resident Evil and but I like having you around.
"No way!" says Axel, so loudly that his voice gets covered in static and Roxas has to hold the phone away from his face a bit. "Oh, fuck, I remember you. Kid, lemme tell you, oh man, there are some things that you just won't believe, lemme tell you."
Roxas lets Axel tell him–about the party he's at, about dropping out after just a few college classes and about living on someone's couch–all these things that he isn't quite sure he understands why he's being told, until Axel asks him, "And what about you?"
Because, when he's telling Axel everything–about not feeling, about meeting Xion and about Peter Pan cutouts on the gym walls–he realizes that he hasn't, all this time, had anyone else to tell these things to, and probably the same goes for Axel.
It feels nice.
It feels good.
It feels–right.
But what Reno said holds true, over time. Axel almost never answers his phone, and Roxas (convinces himself that he) isn't desperate enough to leave voicemails, so that's that.
–eighteen
He sees Naminé for the first time in years at the mall around Christmas time. She went to a different high school than everyone else, some arts academy, but it's unmistakably her, and she's still small, and pale, and blonde–and so is Roxas.
She's wearing this white peacoat and tan boots and laughing softly at something that the haughty looking blonde girl next to her is saying. They look nice together, Roxas thinks, though he's not sure how he means it. He could imagine them being something like cousins or best friends, or something more.
He knows that she would smile at him if he went up to her, that she would introduce him to the other girl, and that they could talk about how stupid they were when they were in middle school, and it would all be very nice.
Roxas walks right past her and she doesn't notice him.
–nineteen
Roxas opens his eyes and looks at the ceiling of his bedroom. It's just barely morning, the sky outside is dark, but tinged with the beginnings of sunlight.
Sometimes he has these dreams.
When he wakes up he doesn't remember them at all. By that point they're always something closer to feelings. He's not sure what to think about the dreams, mostly because he has no idea what they're about, but also because they make him realize how little he actually feels, day in and day out.
The feelings he gets from the dreams, they make him hurt in their intensity. They make him feel like an experiment that is being prodded and poked in his most sensitive areas by someone trying to get a reaction.
He mentions this to Sora, at one point, and his brother just looks perplexed and worried and seems to remember a conversation they had a few years back that Roxas can only just bring forth in his mind, but can't piece together so that it's anything concrete.
It doesn't matter, though, he thinks, not really.
He has parents who take care of him, and a brother who looks after him even though he doesn't need to be looked after anymore, and friends who are nearly always there when he needs them.
So he functions a bit differently than other people. So what?
He's fine, he tells himself, sitting up in bed and looking out the window. He's seventeen and he's going to be a senior in a few months and after that he'll be an adult and everything will work itself out. It has to.
The sun is rising now and it looks like the sky is on fire–and something in him aches for things he doesn't know he's lost.
–twenty
When Roxas graduates, he's not validictorian or anything, but he's got a diploma and his purple gown looks less stupid when everyone else is wearing one than it did that morning in the bathroom mirror–so, it's not so bad.
People take pictures and hug and kiss him on the cheek and punch him in the arm when they think he's not paying them enough attention. They wish him good luck, and pretend to be surprised when he says that he'll probably be majoring in something English related. Everyone has smiles that seem so genuine, and his feels worn out.
He's eighteen, he already feels like there's nothing worth being happy about, and he's also self-aware enough to know how utterly stupid that is.
Sora is there with Riku, who has always been there, Roxas thinks, but who has gotten much more noticable since he started doing things like holding hands with Sora in public. Roxas doesn't mind, and even lets the two take pictures of him, though he scowls when his parents pop up out of nowhere and his mom chastises him for not showing his teeth when he smiles.
He is surrounded by people who love him, and love each other, and he is desperate to feel the same way about all of them, but he can't.
They're leaving the football field and he's trying to fix his hair, because his graduation cap totally messed up the off-kilter spikes that he always spends so long on every morning.
He sees Axel, leaning against a car in the parking lot. Off to the side are Demyx and Hayner and their parents, posing for pictures. The redhead is looking up at the sky, like there's something up there that's more important than the people who are milling around and heading off to their futures–and, who knows, maybe there is.
Roxas approaches him, and he says, "Axel."
Axel raises an eyebrow, and he replies, "Roxas."
Something inside them both does something. Axel will say it ignited. Roxas will say it shone.
Neither the blond, nor the redhead, says much of anything after that, but it's a start, even though it all really began a lifetime ago.
–twenty-one
It's there–somewhere, in-between the stars up above, the cars in the parking lot, and the people all around them–that they finally find each other.
.
.
.