Disclaimer: I do not own South Park (as if you didn't know that).
Analyzing Kyle
By Ben Barrett
Chapter One – Welcome to South Park
We'll begin this story high over the town of South Park. The sun is just rising over the treetops and the birds that aren't soaring through the air are beginning to chirp merrily in the treetops. We can even begin to see the town coming to life from this angle as cars-- as well as a few joggers-- begin to occupy the deserted streets. Everything seems to be as it should be from this angle, doesn't it?
As we move downward and closer to the town, we can begin to make out more details. The details of the streets become clearer and we can see a few people in their pajamas coming out to fetch their newspapers, coffee cups in hand. We'll ignore these people as we head through the suburbs, for we have more important things to see this morning.
We make our way down a tree-lined street toward a big green house with a rather nice car in the driveway. Welcome to the Brovlofski residence, home of Sheila, Gerald, Ike, and the person we've come to see: Kyle. We move through his front door and disregard Ike entirely, who sees us (though no one else can) and greets us with a "Ba ba ba". We go up the stairs, in a desperate hurry for we have very little time.
"Mom!" we hear someone call as we get mid-way upstairs. "Where's my ushanka?"
"I don't know, bubee," a female voice on the lower level of the house replies, "but you'd better hurry or you're gonna miss your bus."
We continue our journey up the stairs and turn left when we reach the second floor. We head down the hall toward the door at the end, which is slightly ajar, and push it open when we reach it. There we see the person we've been searching for. He's a rather handsome boy with a large, red afro and a rounded face. The clothes he wears on this most hectic of mornings is no different than they are on any other day: an orange vest, dark green pants, and light green mittens.
We stand quietly behind him as he digs furiously through his closet, then move aside as he gives up and runs across the room to dig in his dresser drawers for what looks like the thousandth time. Underwear, pants, and shirts go flying everywhere as he searches in vain for his beloved green ushanka. He gives up on the dresser and gets down on his hands and knees to look under his bed. He doesn't realize how ridiculous he looks on the floor, his head at ground level and his ass sticking up in the air.
"Bubee, COME ON!" the woman downstairs screams again.
"Kyle!" a male voice shouts. "If I have to drive your ass to school again…"
"Okay, okay! I'm coming!" he bellows back, before making his way out of the room.
We are hot on his heels as he makes his way down the hallway, grumbling and cursing under his breath. Heading down the stairs again, we can see the sources of the two angry voices: Sheila and Gerald, Kyle's parents. They are standing by the front door, looking very upset at their son. He breezes past them (as do we) and heads down the front walk.
"Honestly, Kyle, I don't know why you have to hide your hair under that hat all the time," Sheila tells him. "I think it's very handsome."
Kyle stops and takes a deep breath, his hands balling into fists at his sides. It's obvious that he doesn't agree and doesn't like to be told otherwise. After a minute, he shakes his head and continues down the walk. We follow him as he moves down the street at a brisk pace. He is most likely headed toward the bus stop, where his friends will no doubt be awaiting his arrival.
He stops suddenly and looks behind him, as if he senses us. He stares straight at us for a second, then shakes his head and continues on his way.
We arrive at the bus stop with him a few minutes later and see a small group of other kids there. One is dressed in a large orange parka which conceals his face. He mumbles something, which causes the others to laugh. Kyle, however, is not amused in the least and actually looks furious.
"Shut up, Kenny!" he shouts at him.
Kenny mumbles something else, which causes the boy to his left, a morbidly obese child in a red jacket, to cackle madly.
"Yeah, seriously," the fat kid says.
"Up yours, Cartman, you fucking chunk of ass fat!" Kyle barks at him.
"Take it easy, Kyle," another boy says.
We look over at this third boy (as does Kyle) and notice a few things about him right away. The first is his attire, which is a brown vest, red mittens, and a red and blue poof ball hat. The second is that he is obviously the leader of the group, just by the aura he projects. The third and most important thing is that he is Kyle's very best friend. We can tell just by the way they look at each other, and by the warmth in this third boy's eyes, which is in such violent contrast to the malice that was in the eyes of the fat kid, Cartman.
"They were just playing," he says.
"Well," Kyle replies, "I don't like people talking about my hair, Stan."
"Jews are such over-sensitive pussies," Cartman states, a look of pure evil on his face. One thing is for sure: this boy is not playing; he really loves to hurt Kyle in every way possible.
"Shut up, Cartman, god damn it," Stan says, exasperated.
Before anything else can happen, we hear an engine and then the squeak of old brakes behind us. We turn to see a big, yellow school bus sitting there, The door flies open and we are greeted by a horrible woman with a bird on her head and green teeth in her mouth.
"GET ON AND SHUT UP! WE'RE RUNNIN'…" she manages to scream before getting a look at Kyle. "GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD?!"
The boys roll their eyes and begin to board the bus. Kenny is first, followed by Cartman. Stan gives his best friend a reassuring pat on the back, and then boards himself. Kyle lingers for a moment, staring after him. There is a look there for only a fleeting second that goes beyond gratitude, and then it is gone. Kyle believes his secret is safe, but we know better. We saw that look and we know exactly what it means: Kyle is deeply, madly, and passionately in love with Stan.
"GET ON THE BUS OR GET LEFT BEHIND!" the bus driver screeches.
"Coming Miss Crabtree," he says.
Then he boards the bus and is gone from our sight.