AN - I'm currently a bit like Jacob. A guy I really like is seeing someone, but he kissed me. And now I'm left to wonder if he likes me, or if it was just a whim. I've always been so Bell and Edward, but I guess I can connect to Jacob. This is a little one-shot were I kind of use Jacob's situation to get rid of the frustration I feel at the moment.
She's so beautiful. Her long hair, her perfect pale face. Her body, so slender and she doesn't even try. The way her hair blows in the breeze, how it catches the wisps of wind. The sweet smell of strawberry that always lingers in my car every time she's in it. Maybe that's why I love her so much. She's so naturally beautiful. Yet so unaware of her beauty, or the power she has on me. Yet she kissed me. She did the one thing she swore never to do. She told me not to fight, not to leave. She loves me. I knew one day she would realise it. She knew it deep down, I just had to get her to see it for herself. Will it make her reconsider her choice? Reconsider him? I doubt it. The way the two of them are, like two puzzle pieces. But I know I can complete her, give her a life. He can't do that. He's hard and cold, and his heart is un-beating. He's a monster, someone who shouldn't be allowed to exist. I can't understand how she can go to him, after everything he's done to her, after he's hurt her so much, and pretend every things okay. I see the way she looks at him, she's scared he'll leave her again. She used to look at me like that, as if she let go of my hand I would never come back. When he wasn't around I was her everything. I took her small broken heart and I glued it back together. I found the missing pieces, and the bits I couldn't find, I replaced with pieces of my own heart. Foolish you might say, to let her walk away with pieces of my heart. She used to hold her arms round her waist, like she was holding herself up, like someone had punched a hole through her. I never understood why until now, she wanted those missing pieces, those small fragments. Now I sit alone with my arms around my waist, try to regain those fragments. Fragments I've lost to her, willingly given to her. I don't know what I thought, that beautiful Bella Swan would realise how much I cared for her, and finally see I should be her first choice. But I'm her second choice, I'm number two and I always will be. Why can't she see that I would willingly give her my heart, rip it out from my chest, if she asked? That I would save her from an eternity of damnation just to see her cheeks flush with embarrassment again. I could be her everything, and I sure want to be. She just wont let me. And it breaks my heart, to see her walk with him, to see her touch him and hug him, and know that I want it to be me. That if he had stayed away then it would have been me. I know she would have healed, I could have been that guy for her. I don't have everything he has, I don't have loads of money, or a big house in the woods. But I have love, and that should be enough. I have warmth, and I have life, and so does she. I used to wish I'd never met Bella Swan. She came into my life, ripped my heart out of my chest, and rode off into the sunset. But then I realized, Bella never did that, Bella would never do that. She is the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met, and I wouldn't erase a minute of it. To know that I've made her sweet mouth smile, and even for a second taken away that pain she felt and heard her small laugh, it's worth it. It's not enough, not even close to enough, but it makes it worth it. I love her, and I always will, and she knows that. I wish I had the power to just walk away, and pretend like I don't care, but we're connected somehow, we both feel it. After having been so out of control of myself during the transformation, I said I would never put myself in that situation again - where I couldn't control what was happening to me. But of course, I'm here again, my heart in Bella's hands, for her to do what she chooses with it. I know she won't be with me, she loves Cullen too much. But I wish I was enough for her, I wish she would choose me. Nothing would make me happier then grabbing her by the hips and kissing her, knowing she's mine and I am hers. To walk hand in hand on the beach, not because she's scared I'll leave her, or because we're just friends, but because we're lovers, partners. I want to be able to show her off to the pack, not just introduce her as an old friend. I want to call her my girlfriend, my soul mate. I want to be the one to climb through her window late at night, and stroke her hair as she sleeps. When she talks in her dream I want to be the name she calls, the savior she wants. And in the morning, when she opens her sweet eyes, I want to be the first thing she sees. I want to take her for dinner, and go to the movies. I want to give her a normal teenage romance, one that she deserves. I could be everything she wanted, and I would do anything to please her. I would take her to the beach at the sunset, just to watch something beautiful with someone equally as beautiful. I want her to choose me.
But that's a choice I don't have, and a future I'll never see.