The Last Thing I Want

by Narya's Bane

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Skywalker. I realize that now, because it has been thrown in my face time after time. As much as I wanted you dead, suffering and then gone, some part of me keeps stalling in that final moment. Mara musings

"To Hurt You"

A one-shot musing by Narya's Bane.

Disclaimer- as usual, I own nothing.

Warning- for once, NOBODY has seen ANY part of this before I put it in. No, honestly. Usually, someone drags it out before I get it up, but I'm doing this RIGHT after work wnad my messengers aren't up. No Nya, no Caet, no Laristia- Kiki- or even Dolly, no nobody has seen this. So oh well. Deal.

Summary. Mara Jade musing about her relationship with our favorite Farm Boy, post HttE but (probably, at least I would hope) pre-HoTT.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Skywalker. I realize that now, because it has been thrown in my face time after time. As much as I wanted you dead, suffering and then gone, some part of me keeps stalling in that final moment and now the will to complete that final mission has completely faded in my heart and mind. Now there is no denying that I myself have no will, no desire.

I can honestly say the last thing I want to do is hurt you.

You've saved me before, farm boy. You saved me when I was trying to kill you, and you saved me after I realized the words that resonated were nothing more than a strong Force-suggestion planted by a dying man to get some small part of revenge. You've worked with me so patiently I can't help but figure out you're not anything like the evil rebel I once swore to kill.

The Empire was order, and I believe now that your New Republic is capable of creating that. No matter what happens, you won't give up. If the Emperor himself were to walk back in I doubt that your new government would truly fall, not the way it could have before now. I suppose I should thank the Force for that, because through this true freedom is being offered. All my life I had hoped that peace could be attained, that there would be some way to keep order without some of the atrocities that I saw in the Empire- but never really admitted until now.

I won't take what you offer, not right now. It wouldn't be right for me to imagine I could take your learning, take your trust, and become something important as an apprentice. There is a lot we could learn from each other, but not now. Maybe someday. Maybe never.

For the moment, the most difficult thing is coming to terms with the fact that the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I spent the last decade of my life, a lifetime really, trying to destroy you or everything you hold dear. I appreciate the naive outlook that allowed you to trust me, to take me in, and make me see "the light" as it were. But I can't take anything else from you, not until I take it from myself. I have to get used to allowing myself to feel, to opening up to something other than anger and hate.

All I want is to be my own person. For many years my life was defined by "Emperor's Hand," even long after the Emperor himself was defeated. I know what I want. I want to be my own person. I will not be defined by who I am with, by what I study. I will not be a Jedi, because everyone sees the title and assumes they know the person who carries it: noble, self-sacrificing, patient. Can you honestly imagine these words directed towards me? Besides, I was raised in the Emperor's palace, and taught about the scourge that was the Jedi Council, and how they tried to take over the galaxy. I know you aren't like that, but I cannot shake an uncomfortable feeling when I think of Jedi; even the word puts a sour taste on my tongue.

The Empire wouldn't trust me, because I've worked for you. The New Republic, for all they talk, is unlikely to trust me, because I worked for the Empire. You might accept me, and your sister might accept me, but will your adoring public? Will Borsk Feyla, or General Cracken? I highly doubt it.

Karrde trusts me. And in a strange turn of events, I trust him. Now.

Who knows what the future may bring, right Skywalker? Maybe I'll change my mind- probably not.

For now, you're going to have to be content with the knowledge that I've changed, farm boy. I had sworn to kill you, and now I'm willing to admit that for as much as you whine, for all the annoyance of you're nobility and self-sacrifice, for as much as you're going to drive me to insanity with the amount of requests to join you, that has changed.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

But...

It IS still on the list.