Disclaimer: All these years and I STILL don't own shit.

Folks, I've been thinking, and I've been drinking. And yet, I've been thinking again—what if the WWE never existed? Could wrestling thrive? Would wrestling be as big as it is today? Who knows? So, since I've such an interest in this kind of issue, I want to write about it. So, let's take a trip to the pay-per-view arena and meet up with Mr. McMahon backstage, where he's on the phone talking…

Vince, rolling his eyes, answers, "Yes, the stock is doing very well, Linda. {sound of nasally shrill voice through phone receiver} Yes, you are a good business woman Linda. {voice on phone again} Yes, you did manage to bribe the SEC into not pressing those insider trading charges. {more blabber from the receiver} No. Absolutely not. You can NOT buy Cuba as a vacation property. {incoherent screaming through the phone as Vince drops the receiver; he picks it back up as the screaming continues} Listen... Linda... Honey... Even if Fidel would sell... It's... It's too expensive, Linda... Look... Maybe we can buy St. Kitts... "{click}

Vince lets out a deep sigh and mumbles to himself, "I've got one hell of a headache. {Vince opens a bottle of Asprin and pops about half a dozen} I need a nap. Some days, I wish I was never born!"

As Vince falls asleep, a loud thunder clap can be heard. The lights go out for about ten seconds. When they return, Vince is awakened by a shocking figure standing in front of him…

"Owen! What the hell! I thought you were dead!"

Owen calmly replies, "I am dead, Vince. I've been sent here to give you your wish. "

Vince, not quite understanding, " By who? What wish?"

Owen motions upward, " By the man upstairs. He heard your wish to have never been born."

Vince, getting impatient, "Alright. Don't fuck with me. You're not Owen. You're that Shane guy from IWA Puerto Rico, aren't you?"

Owen replies, " It's really me, Vince. I'm here to show you a world very different from the world you know. I'm here to show you a world without Vince McMahon."

Vince waves him off and says, " I ain't got time for this shit. I've got a pay per view to run."

Vince quickly exits the room and runs towards the ring. The TD Waterhouse Arena is eerily quiet. As he runs through the entrance towards the ramp, he comes to an empty basketball court.

Vince, looking around incredulously, asks, "What the hell is this? Where's my ring? Where are my wrestlers?"

Owen folds his arms and says, "They're not your wrestlers, Vince. The WWE doesn't exist."

"No WWE? Where are the fans going to get their sports entertainment fix? Wait a minute-how can there be no WWE? My father! My father had a wrestling promotion since the thirties! Even without me, the WWWF must still be around. Isn't it?"

Raising an eyebrow skeptically, Owen replies, "Would you like to see for yourself?"

Vince exclaims, "YES! Show me what happened to my father's company!"

Owen grabs Vince's arm and the lights fade to black. When they fade back in, they are standing in a hospital room. In the bed, hooked to all kinds of machines, lies Vincent James McMahon.

Vince points, "That's my father! But he died in 1984. How is this possible?"

Owen shrugs and says simply, "This is 1984. You asked to see what happened to your father's company."

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.

Wearily, Vince Senior answers, "Come in!"

The door opens, and Arnold Skaaland, Gorilla Monsoon, and a third man that Vince, Jr. recognizes as Philadelphia promoter Phil Zacko enter the room.

Gorilla smiles and asks, "Hey Vince, how ya' feelin'?"

Vince Senior gently closes his eyes momentarily, "I think my time has come, fellas."

Skaaland pipes in, "C'mon, don't say that, Vince. You'll pull through."

Vince Senior shakes his head, "No. This is it for me. I've had a long life, but it's time to go."

Zacko, getting down to business, asks, "You wanted to see us, Vince?"

"Yes. Capitol Wrestling has a lot of people depending on us for a paycheck. Since I have no heirs, you guys are gonna' have to keep the promotion going after I'm gone."

With a worried expression, Gorilla answers, "But Vince, we've never run a major promotion before. You've always called the shots."

Vince Senior smiles faintly, "I have faith in you. You guys know this business better than anyone. You can rally the troops and keep this ship afloat. Maybe one day even go national. I always wanted to see the promotion go national. It may be tough for a little while, but I believe you guys will do the right thing. You will know what's best for the company."

Skaaland, coming to terms with things, replies, "We won't let you down, boss."

Vince Senior nods and says, "I know you won't."

The three gentlemen leave the room, and Vince Sr. grabs a picture of his father sitting on the desk beside him. He looks into the eyes and says "I just wanted to do you proud, dad!" As he sets the picture on his lap, his eyes slowly close and he drifts away to the great beyond. Vince Jr. rushes to the side of the bed.

Vince pleads, "Dad? Dad? Please don't go! I need you! Please don't leave me again!"

Vince falls to his knees and starts weeping. Owen walks up and puts his hand on Vince's shoulder.

Vince, snapping back towards Owen, angrily spews, "Why did you show me this? Why did you have to torture me?"

Owen replies, "You wanted to see what happened to your father's company."

Vince angrily asks, "What did those bastards do to his company? What did they do to his legacy?"

Owen, rolls his eyes, shrugging his shoulders, "Well..."

Owen snaps his fingers, and they are suddenly sitting in a board room. At the other end of the table are Skaaland, Monsoon and Zacko.

Vince asks, "How much time has passed?"

Owen shakes his head, "They lasted about two months."

The door at the far end of the room opens, and in walks Verne and Greg Gagne.

Verne speaks first, "Are you gentlemen ready to deal?"

Skaaland shrugs, "Unfortunately, we don't have a choice."

Monsoon, a bit agitated, replies, "Let's just get this over with, Verne. I don't want to make this any harder than it already is."

Verne nods, "Alright then. I'm willing to offer each of you One Hundred Thousand dollars for your shares of Capitol Wrestling."

Vince, infuriated, says, "That BASTARD! He's ripping you off! Don't you see that?"

Owen thinks for a second and asks, "Um, Vince? Isn't that the same amount you gave each of them?"

Vince, humbled, just mutters, "Well... I... Um...

Zacko asks, "You won't fire all of our talent wholesale?"

Verne smiles and replies, "There are plenty of positions available in AWA for the wrestlers of Capitol. It's a mighty big territory. Or at least, it is NOW!"

Verne hands each man a contract. They quickly skim the fine print and sign. Verne hands each man a check as he takes back the contracts.

Verne smiles and says, "You've made the right decision, gents."

They all shake hands, and Skaaland, Monsoon and Zacko leave the room. Verne and Greg look at each other and begin to laugh hysterically.

Vince turns to Owen and asks, "Verne Gagne killed my father's company?"

Owen shakes his head, "Not quite."

" You mean he actually kept it afloat?"

Owen nods a bit, "He did rather well. In fact, you and Verne seem to have a lot in common."

The lights fade to black. When they return, Vince and Owen are standing in a jam packed Madison Square Garden.

Vince smiles, "I recognize this. This is Wrestlemania! The very first Wrestlemania."

Owen interjects, " Except it's not called 'Wrestlemania.'

Owen points towards the ceiling at a large banner.

Vince grimaces, "World Wrestle Fest? What kind of a shitty name is that?"

{The bell rings}

Mean Gene Okerlund is in the middle of the ring, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for the main event! Approaching the ring, from Venice Beach, California..."

The crowd starts with a very loud chorus of boos.

Gene finishes, "Hulk Hogan!"

Vince asks, "Wait, the crowd is booing Hogan? He was a face by now. What's going on?"

Owen answers, "Not under Verne Gagne, he wasn't."

Hogan enters the ring and rips the microphone from Mean Gene as he shoves him to the mat.

Hogan declares, "You people are a bunch of chumps! I AM the Sterling Golden hero. I AM the huge movie star. And after tonight, I WILL be the World Champion."

Hogan drops the mic, grabs his crotch and spits on the mat. Gene scurries over and grabs the mic.

Gene introduces the opponent, "And being led to the ring by his special guest trainer..."

Gordon Solie, on commentary, asks, "Who's it gonna be? The champ's been saying for weeks he has a special trainer to help him beat Hogan."

Mean Gene continues, " The Italian Stallion himself, Sylvester Stallone... {The crowd erupts in thunderous applause.} And special guest Pat Benitar..." {The crowd continues to go nuts}

Vince, smiling slightly, "Hey, this ain't half bad!"

Owen, raising an eyebrow and smirking, replies, "I said you two think very much alike."

Mean Gene goes on, "Please welcome, the Heavyweight Champion of the Woooooooorld, Greg Gagne!" {the crowd goes ballistic}

Vince, visibly frustrated, asks, "WHAT! That no-talent hack? I can't BELIEVE that Verne would book his SON as the top face in the company!"

Owen, giving a knowing glare at Vince, replies, "AHEM! Remember Triple H a few years back?"

Vince nods, "Huh? Oh, right."

Greg hits the ring and grabs the mic.

" Hulk Hogan! You've run your mouth for the last four months calling yourself the real champion? You aren't worthy to carry my jock strap, much less the world heavyweight title. I've got the man that beat you in my corner! The Italian Stallion watched you on the set of Rocky 3. He knows what makes you tick. He knows what it takes to bring you down. You come out here talking down to my fans? Well my fans are what gives me the strength to fight on. There's a new sensation sweeping the nation. And its all coming down tonight. So I got one question for you, Hogan. What 'cha gonna do? What 'cha gonna do, when Gagne-mania comes down on you? "

With that, the crowd explodes again and the bell rings.

Vince grimaces more than slightly, "'Gagne-mania'? What the hell is 'Gagne-mania?'"

Owen shrugs his shoulders. "Seems to get the crowd going."

Vince answers, "So Verne's on top of the world. He hits it big with MY idea."

Owen points out again, "It's not your idea, Vince. You don't exist, remember?"

Vince nods, "Right-But what about Ted Turner? Does he try to fuck over Verne the way he tried to fuck over me?"

Owen snaps his fingers again and they are transported to an office building. A calendar on the wall shows that it's 1996. Vince looks out the window, and recognizes the Atlanta skyline.

Vince notices, "Hey, we're in the CNN center. "

Owen answers, "That's right. You're about to witness history. This is the meeting where the greatest angle in wrestling history was conceived."

"The NWO?"

Owen shakes his head, "Nope, 'The Regime'!

"'The Regime'?"

Owen folds his arms and explains, "After Gagne-mania died out in the late 80's, the AWA struggled to find a top face to lead the company. The title switched hands between, Curt Hennig, Ted DiBiase, Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes..."

Vince interrupt, "-Wait. They let Dusty Rhodes be champion of MY company?"

Owen nods, "Of course. He had the book for a while. By the way, not your company, remember?"

Vince says, "Right. Didn't exist."

Owen continues, "Ok, the company struggled for a while until a group of young upstarts came along and took the industry by storm. They continued to rotate the company's top belts between the bunch of them. Kind of a little clique that pretty much ran the company. The rest of the locker room hated them, but the fans loved them. But come the end of 1995, the top two were up for contract renewal. Verne offered what he thought was fair, but Ted Turner stepped in and offered the duo three times what Gagne offered. So they jumped. This is their first meeting with Turner and his sidekick, Eric Bischoff."

Vince, reliving the anger, mutters, "Those backstabbers Hall and Nash. I knew I should have never trusted them."

Owen, with a confused look on his face, replies, "Hall and Nash? They're mid card jobbers in Jerry Jarrett's Memphis territory."

Vince asks, "Well, who then?"

Owen gestures towards an office at the end of the hall. Vince and Owen enter the office and seated around a round table are Ted Turner, Eric Bischoff, and their two newest superstars.

Vince blinks twice in surprise, "What the-Barry Horrowitz and Iron Mike Sharpe!"

Owen shrugs and replies, "They've been the biggest stars in the AWA for three years running. These guys could draw a packed house performing the Nutcracker Suite."

Ted Turner turns to Eric, "So, Mister Bischoff. Why don't you explain to our guests what your idea for the big rasslin' show is."

Bischoff smiles and nods, " Gladly, Mister Turner. Gentlemen, you are going to come out on our flagship program, Monday Nitro, and announce that you're invading the company. We're gonna have you interfering in matches, taking over the announce table, even hooking up with the Nitro girls. "

Barry nods and replies, "Sounds interesting, but isn't this gonna make us heels?"

Bischoff explains, "That's the idea. You are outsiders to the WCW audience. Your best shot at getting over is to take full advantage of the animosity the fans will already have for you."

Sharpe, a little skeptical, says, "Alright. Go on."

Bischoff continues to map out the entire story of how they lay an open challenge to the WCW locker room. Three top faces versus these 'outsiders' and a mystery partner. The payoff was to go down at Bash at the Beach.

Vince shakes his head and says, "This will NEVER work. These guys have the charisma of pocket lint, and Hogan is a nobody since Greg Gagne buried him all those years ago."

Owen replies, "Let's just watch the match and see how it goes."

Owen snaps his fingers and they are transported to ringside at Bash at the Beach 1996. In the ring are WCW's top three faces, Lex Luger, Sting and Macho Man Randy Savage.

Michael Buffer announces the opposition, "And making their way to the ring, the team of Barry Horrowitz and Iron Mike Sharp, The Outcasts!"

The crowd boos and pelts the Outcasts with garbage as they approach the ring. They enter the ring and the bell sounds.

Tony Schiavone starts, "Well. It looks like the match is underway."

Mike Tenay answers, " Yeah, Schiavone. But where is the third member of the Outcasts' team? They're out-numbered."

The match proceeeds with the faces taking early control. Horrowitz gets the upper hand on Lex Luger and starts beating him down in the corner. Sting runs across the ring and splashes Horrowitz from behind, but Barry's knee catches Luger in the head. Luger drops out of the ring to the floor.

Schiavone exclaims, "Wow! That Samoan drop really took care of Horrowitz, but Luger is out, too!"

Tenay snidely replies, "It's a Stinger Splash, you jackass!"

Schiavone nods and replies, "That's what I said. Sting tags in Macho Man! Macho over to the corner to continue the assault! Oh my! Horrowitz hits him with an enseguri!"

Tenay corrects him, again, "That's a kick to the mid section, Tony. It's what they call a low-blow."

Schiavone replies, "You say potato, I say avocado!"

Tenay, irritated, asks, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Schiavone, disregarding Tenay to call the match, "Horrowitz gets the tag to Sharpe. Looks like they're double teaming The Macho Man!"

Tenay agrees, "He's taking a real beating here. Referee Nick Patrick has to put a stop to this."

Suddenly, 'Hello, I Love You' by The Doors starts over the loud speaker.

Schiavone, excited, yells, "Wait a minute! Looks like someone is coming to save the day! Could it be?"

Tenay replies, "Yes, Tony! That's The Immortal Ed Leslie's music! Leslie is coming to save the day for WCW!"

Vince asks, "Ed Leslie? Wasn't he Hogan's bitch?"

Owen explains, "When Hogan got beat by Gagne at Wrestle Fest, he disappeared into obscurity. Ed Leslie set out on his own, and has been World Champion five times."

Vince, shaking his head, says, "I'm really starting to HATE this bizarro world."

Schiavone yells, " Leslie is on the top rope, posing for the fans. He's turning towards the Outcasts, who have Macho down in the center of the ring. He points and leaps from the top. OH MY GOD! HE JUST HIT THE POWERBOMB ON SAVAGE! HE JUST HIT THE POWERBOMB ON SAVAGE!"

Tenay rolls his eyes, "Oh, for Christ's sake, Schiavone! That's an elbow drop!"

Schiavone, finally having had enough of being corrected, "If you can do a better job, be my guest!"

A technician comes out and takes Schiavone's headset away from him.

Tenay shouts, "This is just unbelievable! The immortal one! The Icon! Ed Leslie has turned his back on the fans..."

Vince turns to Owen, "And I suppose that WCW manages to mop the floor with the AWA on the backs of Ed Leslie, Barry Horowitz and Iron Mike Sharpe."

Owen nods, "For about the next three years or so. "

Vince asks, "So where is the wrestling business at now? In the year 2011?"

Owen replies, "Let's take a look."

Owen snaps his fingers and they're in an arena in Branson Missouri. The date is February 8, 2011. The arena looks to be about 70% sold out.

Vince notices, "Doesn't look like their doing too great."

Owen replies, "The fans are fairly divided between AWA and WCW."

Vince asks, "WCW still exists?"

"Yes. They almost folded in 2001, but Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman merged their cash together to combine their two shows into one. "

Vince asks, "So how does the roster look?"

Owen advises, "Mean Mark Callous and The Unabomber are the tag champions."

Vince smiles, "Wait, that's Undertaker and Kane, right?"

Owen nods, "Yes."

Vince nods and replies, "Hmm… Cool."

Owen continues, "The women's champion is Pamela Anderson."

Vince asks, "How's her wrestling ability?"

"Awful. But she still has real big tits!"

"Perfect!"

Owen keeps going, "The intercontinental champion is Shawn Michaels."

Vince smiles, "That's excellent! I always knew he'd make it even without my help."

Owen raises his eyebrows and nods, " It looks like things are going pretty well for some of your favorite wrestlers."

Vince, thinking for a second, somberly asks, "I'm almost ashamed to ask, but what about you, Owen?"

Owen replies, "Well, in 1999, I was booked as 'Daredevil 'Owen Hart. I used to come to the ring doing wheelies on a motorcycle. I was making my way to the ring at a pay per view and, well, the throttle got stuck…"

Vince, covering his mouth in shock, "Oh my, Owen."

Owen continues, "I hit the edge of the ring at 85 miles per hour. They delayed the pay per view for 90 minutes while they cleaned up."

"I'm so sorry, Owen. "

Owen replies, "At least my wife got 15 million out of the whole thing. She turned around and married my brother Bruce. I never did like the way he looked at her. {Owen pauses for about 30 seconds} But anyways, we're here for you."

Vince answers, stroking his chin, " Yeah. About that. You really haven't shown me any reason why the world would be better if I had been born."

Owen shrugs, "Well, I've done my best. Let's just sit back and watch the main event."

Howard Finkel loudly declares into the mic, "Making his way to the ring, from Greenwich Conneticut, Terra Ryzin!"

Vince, excited, says, "Hey! There's Triple H. Still wrestling in the main event!"

Owen nods, "He really knows how to play the game."

Meanwhile, Fink continues, " And introducing the champion..."

The arena suddenly fills with the sound of bagpipes.

Vince's eyes light up in anger and disbelief, "No! It can't be!"

Fink keeps on, "From Glasgow, Scotland. Weighing in at 245 pounds..."

Vince, horrified, yells, "Oh, GOD! This truly is hell!"

Fink finishes, "Rowdy... Roddy... Piiiiiiper!"

Vince, finally having enough, "I can't take it! Anybody but him. Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Dusty Rhodes! Even Hulk Hogan! But NOT Piper! That's it. I want to go back. DAMNIT! I want to go back to my real life NOW!"

Owen shrugs, "If you insist..."

Owen snaps his fingers and the pair are back in Vince McMahon's office backstage.

Vince says, "Oh my god, that was horrible! How does that speed freak get to be champion in this day and age?"

Owen answers, "Because you weren't there to hold him down. He's a real fast talker."

Vince pleads in apology, "I'm sorry I wished I was never born. I like my life. It's a wonderful life! I am the most powerful man in sports entertainment. I wouldn't trade this for anything!"

Owen smiles and nods, "I'm glad you changed your mind, Vince. The world just wouldn't be the same without you."

"Thank you, Owen. Thank you for giving me my life back."

Owen turns to leave.

Vince asks, "Wait…One question before you go."

" Yes?"

Vince asks, "Why didn't you show me what became of my family, if you were trying to make me stay?"

Owen answers, "Would it really have been a factor in how things would've turned out?

Vince, pauses for a minute, "No. No it wouldn't."

Owen says, "My work here is done. Peace be with you Vince!"

"Goodbye, Owen. Thank you... And sorry about killing you and all!"

Owen, fading into the distance, replies, "That's OK. I just spend my time watching porn with Eddie Guerreroooooooooo!"

Suddenly there is a loud pounding on the door.

Vince yells, "Enter!"

Triple H bursts into the room, along with most of the Raw roster.

HHH yells, "Vince! We were so worried about you. We couldn't get the door open. You slept right through the pay per view!"

Vince, waking up and just now remembering, "Oh—Oh yeah, the pay per view- That's alright. I'm sure it went fine."

Wade Barrett replies, "You're damn right it did. The Nexus got all the gold, and the fans loved me!"

Vince replies, "I'm sure they did, Wade. I'm sure they did. Hey everyone, I'm in a good mood! Where's John Cena?"

"Yo, here I am, you can't make a ham sammitch by just usin' Spam!"

Vince, just glad to be alive says, "See? Even John's incessant 'rapping' can't get on my nerves tonight!"

With that, the whole roster had a good laugh as John just looked around, confused.

As the laughter settles, John just replies, "Yo, that ain't right with you all laughin', I'm gonna' take my canoe and go white water raftin'! Peace beyotch!"

Thanks for reading! Please review—it'll save…um, uh…well…Ah fuggit! Just review—please?