There's Something About Maria by Batman100
Author's Note: To be fair, this was a little shoutout by Smenzer's Star Wars fic I'm Sorry Master. After seeing it, I wondered how funny it would be if Maria was a vampire. She's not the only one… SPOILER
Here's the first chapter
Chapter 1: Eventful Night
It was a quiet and beautiful night in the SHIELD Helicarrier and all was silent, except for a figure slinking into Captain America's cabin. As the fish-out-of-water supersoldier rested, Maria opened her mouth wide, waited for the right moment and…
"AAAAAAAUUUGGGH!" Steve screamed, the shriek causing nearly a large gaggle of half-asleep and grouchy SHIELD agents and Avengers up and about, muttering what was the entire hubbub
"Sorry Steve! I swear to God, I didn't know what the hey came over me!" Maria babbled nervously as Steve rubbed his sore neck
"Yeah, right. If you think I'm that gullible, you're crazy. So what the heck did you bite my neck for anyway and…" Steve stopped, his face turning pale white as Maria stared back at him, her eyes glowing red; licking her chops and a hint of a forked tongue became visible.
"Uh… Maria? Wha-Why are you…looking at me like that?" Steve shivered, Maria leaning in closer, hissing like a seducing snake
"I need something to avoid indigestion, something…*fresh*." Maria rasped. That did it. Steve's eyes instantly went completely bulging large and dashed out his cabin and ran for his life, shrieking like a banshee as the Avengers watched him
"Huh, he's not that much of a morning guy, is he?" Bruce joked cluelessly. Fury simply rolled his eyes and asked a completely oblivious Maria "What the hell did you do?"
"Oh, honestly. First Steve asked me this then he started becoming like a major, MAJOR mama's boy whimp then started ranting on and on about why I bit his neck before I leaned in to smooch him, he went and scattered outa there shrieking like a giant meteor was about to crush us!" Maria rambled, Stark recording it on his Iphone
"You're gonna post this on MeTube, right?" Loki quietly asked Stark, out of Fury's hearing aid
"Oh yes. Man, the look on Sharon's face will be priceless!" Stark grinned, cackling to himself This thing between Cap and Hill may work to my advantage…
The next morning…
Steve was in a rather foul mood. His neck felt like getting stung by a giant hornet, his eyes could barely stay open, and worse of all an anonymous wiseguy had the nerve to lace up Steve's clothes with itching cream, causing a large amount of scratching and leading to an irate Thor giving the latter a wedgie. At least that helped him clear his mind of Maria biting him on the neck. However, as soon as Steve sat down on the laptop couch, he gasped in horror on what he saw: A Twitter video of Steve screaming when Maria bit him on the neck. He had a pretty good idea just who would be responsible…
"Steve up yet?" Clint asked Stark, as he, Barton, Black Widow, Thor, Sif, Loki and Quicksilver were lounging in the recreation room, playing a round of cards.
"Meh, depends. If he saw that video on Twitter, that is…" Stark snickered, as Thor gave him a disgusted look
"Don't let yourself get overheated brother. You'll get used to his sense of humor." Loki replied appealingly, pouring a cup of coffee into everyone's cups before, when all of a sudden…
"STAAAAAARRRRRKKKKKK!" Steve's roar echoed through the Helicarrier, Thor spitting his coffee on an unaware- and definitely not amused Wanda. Thor chuckled meekly as he rubbed the stains off of her beloved dress
"And that little stunt of yours just cost you your dance partner at the Genosha Ball tonight! Male chauvinist pig!" Wanda grunted, exiting in a huff
"Sheesh, what's the problem with your sister, Pietro? Yesterday, she spray-painted that MCP junk all over my Lamborghini. It took me five whole hours to get it off!" Stark replied as Quicksilver just drank his coffee before Steve grabbed Stark by the shirt collar
"You have a lot of BALLS to do this RIDICULOUS piece of SMUT by placing this ASININE PIECE of ANAL CRAPOLA! ON! MY! TWITTERPET!" Steve bellowed, shaking Stark like mad, the Avengers watching in shock
"Hehehe, he said balls." Clint giggled. Natasha thwacked him up the head. "That aint no laughing matter, Clint Barton and you of all people should know that! Remember what happened in Geneva?" she reminded, everyone groaning in boredom
"Oh God, not that again…" Bruce groaned, having heard the story before "Nat, honey it was just a one-time thing. That lady was doing that for a charity!" Clint explained
"Really? And what charity may that be? The 'Do Sex Behind Your Fiancé's Back' Charity? Hah! You've been doing nothing but being a couch potato, guzzling all my hooch and wearing out my mattress with your six-ton ass!" Natasha hissed
"This is gonna be one of those days…" Loki reminded Thor, listening amongst the two on and off couple squabbling
"One of these days, those two seriously, seriously need to see a relationship counselor." Thor groaned
"Yeah, or get a padded room with Thorazine drip." Bucky quipped from the hallway
"I HEARD THAT!" Thor bellowed, hot on Bucky's tail
To be continued…
So it looks like things are getting chaotic once more on the Helicarrier? Can Maria control her vampire problem? Can Steve try to be more manly and less of a fish-out-of-water geek? And will Clint and Natasha settle their differences with either love… or dropping a piano on the latter's head? And when, oh when will Fury ever regain control of his out-of-control team? Read Chapter 2 soon and find out! Until then, Auf Wiedersen!