Don't Make Me, a law and order: svu fanfic

A/N: Okay you guys, all this smut is killing me. I HAVE to write some angst. I'm SORRY. But seriously, they CANNOT just DO IT all the time. They're detectives, not rabbits, okay? Sheesh. : ) I keep hearing this song, so I pulled an obsessedwithstabler and changed a couple words to make it work from Liv's POV. It's Blake Shelton (who has gotten really hot since he started dating Miranda Lambert and got a damn haircut!) and it's called "Don't Make Me." Enjoy! R&R as always! XO, Kinsey

Disclaimer: Only my overactive imagination belongs to me!

Dedication: To my girls: obsessedwithstabler (who inspires me with her crazy good songfics!), Rach (the best Chris-stalker buddy ever!!), and Shari (who will nag me about the angst!) I love you guys!!

Boy when I look at you
You look through me
Like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up
To be strong but I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
& I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting

"Are you even listening to me?" God. Did that horrible nagging question just come out of my mouth?

"What?" he glances up from the baseball game to look at me.

"Nothing, Elliot. Never mind."

I go into our bedroom and shut the door behind me. I can't believe we've come to this. If you had told me twelve years ago when we got married, not to mention twenty years ago when I fell in love with my husband, that I would eventually resent the hell out of him and want to get divorced (maybe), I would have said you were certifiable. As it is… I don't know what to do with my marriage. It's falling apart right before my eyes.

I hear a tiny hand tapping on our door.

"Mom?"

I quickly wipe the tears that have gathered on my cheeks. "I'm in here, baby."

My ten-year-old daughter pokes her head in. "Mom, are you and Dad fighting again?"

I sigh. "Yeah baby. I'm sorry. Did it wake you up?" I say, feeling guilty that this has started affecting our children.

"It woke me up, but Casey's still sleeping," Lexi said, referring to her seven-year-old brother.

"He could sleep through a hurricane," I giggled tearfully. Lexi laughed.

"Is everything okay, Mom?" she asked, serious again.

"It's pretty hard to understand, honey. Kind of a grown-up thing, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, Mom. I just hate seeing you so sad." Hello? Who said my ten year old could know this much about life? She is truly my child, the way she can read people.

"I know, baby. I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you. And Casey."

"Yeah. Lizzie said it was the exact same way for her when Daddy and Kathy were getting divorced."

"It was babe. It was hard on the other three older kids too, and that's why this hurts me so much. I never wanted to put you and Casey through what they had to go through."

"Are you and Daddy going to get divorced like Daddy and Kathy did?" she asks me in a tiny voice, back to her ten-year-old self.

"I don't know baby. I sure hope not. But things are really complicated and stressful right now. But I don't want you to worry about it, okay? Dad and I love you guys very very much."

"I know, Mom. I love you too."

"Thanks Lexi. Want me to tuck you back in?"

She nods and takes my hand. I trail behind her to her bedroom, her little feet barely sticking out beneath her nightgown.

I swoop Lexi into her bed and tuck the comforter around her tightly. "Snug as a bug in a rug," I say, kissing her lightly. "Try to get some sleep, okay, honey?"

"Okay, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Lex. Goodnight," I say, clicking off her lamp and pulling the door almost all the way shut behind me, leaving it open a crack so she could see the light from the hall.

Stopping in the bathroom on the way back to our room, I look at my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognize the woman looking back at me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting all the time. Over the kids, work, money, everything. All we do is fight. When we even talk. I love Elliot, but I'm not sure I can live like this. There need to be some changes. I was in love with him for eight years before we got married. EIGHT YEARS. But he was married to someone else. And off limits. And now that I have him… I don't know. I love my husband with all of my heart, and I still want him, but I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Baby I love you
Don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time
For me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby I'm begging please
& I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me

Later that night, much later, Elliot sneaks into bed. I'm still awake and I sigh softly.

"Don't, Liv," he says.

"Elliot, I… I can't keep doing this! I can't put our kids through this! Do you know that Lexi confided in Lizzie and Lizzie told her this was exactly what it was like when you and Kathy got divorced? I refuse to do that to my children!" I whisper fiercely, not wanting to wake them up again.

"Olivia, please. I don't… I don't know what to do," he says quietly.

"TALK TO ME, ELLIOT. I'm your WIFE. The reason you couldn't talk to Kathy was because she didn't understand your work. I DO. TALK TO ME."

He sighs heavily. "Maybe tomorrow," he says.

I roll to my side and stare at the wall. Great. Tomorrow's Saturday. A whole day of fighting. That is, if he doesn't just hide out at the office all day. I can hardly wait.

"Kathy… it's Olivia."

"Liv. Hey. Is everything okay?" she asks with uncertainty. She knows I wouldn't call if everything was okay.

I start crying. "Kathy, this is so… awkward, but I just… I just don't know who else to talk to," I sob.

"Okay, Liv. Calm down, sweetie. Why don't you come over? Lizzie's here, she can keep an eye on Casey and Lex. Just come over, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Kathy," I say.

Ten minutes later, my kids are strapped into the backseat of our Tahoe and I'm headed to my husband's ex-wife's house to get her advice on how to stay married to him. God this is getting pathetic.

Lizzie's in the front yard to meet us. "Hey, Liv!" she greets me with a hug. "Mom's inside in the kitchen," she offers. "Hey GUYS!" she squeals at her siblings.

I leave the kids in the yard and head inside to find Kathy.

"What am I going to do?" I ask her, sitting down at the kitchen counter.

"Um, wow. I… uh… Liv… why don't you tell me what's up?" she asks.

"I don't even know where to start," I say softly. "We… fight. All the time. If we're not fighting it means we aren't talking."

Kathy nodded slowly. "I remember that." I jump as I hear the front door slam.

"Honey?" her husband Matt calls out.

"In the kitchen," she replies.

"Hey – oh! Hey Liv," he says slowly, a puzzled look on his face at the tears staining mine.

"Hey," I reply softly.

"I thought that was Lexi and Casey in the driveway. Everything okay?" he asks.

"Matt. Out. Girl talk," Kathy advises with a gentle shove.

"Oh. Sorry. Nice to see you, Liv," he says over his shoulder with a smile.

I smile back. "You too," I say.

Kathy lifts an eyebrow at me, a gesture she learned from being married to Elliot for twenty years. "Ok, Stabler. That one's mine for real. No taking," she teases.

I smile. "Right. Sorry." Kathy and I aren't what I would call best buddies, but we've definitely managed to get over our differences in the past ten years. She knows that she and Elliot weren't meant to be. She knew it the minute she met Matt, Maureen's physics professor her freshman year at Hudson. She felt how I did the minute I laid eyes on Elliot. Like he was made just for me.

Or maybe not.

"Being Mrs. Elliot Stabler isn't an easy job, Olivia," Kathy says, gently covering my hand with her own. "But if anyone can do it, it's you. You… I don't know… get him like I never could."

"I don't feel like I get him at all anymore."

"Liv…" Kathy sighs. "You've tried talking to him?"

"Oh my God. Until I'm blue in the face," I say.

"What about… what about writing him a letter? He can be difficult in person… but maybe he'd read a letter."

I shrug. "Couldn't hurt, I guess."

"I'm sorry I'm not much help. Obviously I'm not the expert on how to stay married to Elliot Stabler," she grins.

"It's okay. I'm just running out of ideas," I sigh.

"Try the letter thing. It might work. Is Elliot at home?"

I shake my head. "Working," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Leave Casey and Lexi here for dinner. I'll have Liz drop them by later. Go home, work on the letter."

"You sure?" I ask.

"Yeah. It'll give them some time to hang out with their big sister."

"Okay," I smile. "Thanks for being so great about this, Kath."

"Hey, you had eight years of me being a jealous pain in the ass. It's the least I could do," she teases, squeezing my hand.

I smile back at her. If my husband has to have an ex-wife, I'd have to say she's the best one I could hope for. We both stand and head outside to let the kids know what's going on.

"Hey, can you guys come here for a sec?" I holler.

My three wild bundles of energy come running over, including my 24-year-old stepdaughter, home for the weekend from medical school.

"What, Mom?" Casey, my seven-year-old son asks.

"You guys are going to stay and have dinner at Kathy and Matt's tonight, okay? And then maybe your big sister could bring you home later?" I ask, glancing up at Lizzie who's nodding.

"For sure," she says.

"Yay!" The younger kids cheer.

"Okay. Let's go get crackin' on some… BROWNIES! What do you guys think?" Kathy asks.

"YEAH!" Casey's always a sucker for Kathy's brownies. The two younger kids troupe into the house after her, leaving me standing in the yard with Lizzie.

"Hey, Liv? Can I talk to you?"

"Sure. What's up honey?"

"Is everything okay with you and Dad?"

"Why do you ask, Liz?" I question innocently, even though I know exactly why she's asking.

"For the first time in our ten-year step-mom/step-kid relationship I think you're patronizing me, Olivia," Lizzie says with a light giggle. "You know Lexi talked to me. I don't think I did much to ease her fears," she continues guiltily.

"It's okay, Liz. Talk to her tonight. Assure her we're trying our best to get it all worked out. Your mom gave me a good idea, hence why you're babysitting tonight," I tease.

Lizzie laughs. "Well I'll call you before we come over."

"Sounds like a plan," I reply, though I highly doubt she'll be interrupting anything important.

I climb back into the Tahoe and head for home, composing my letter the whole way.

Dear Elliot,

I can't believe I'm writing this letter. I… I don't even know where to start. What happened to us? We can barely be in the same room five minutes without fighting – and that's if we're even talking. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know I can't do this. I can't fight with you all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure out what you want so I don't somehow set you off. El, I love you, but I need you to help me make this marriage work. If… I can't even think of not being with you… but if you say this is over… our marriage is over… it's over. I won't drag our kids through the heartache of wondering if we'll get back together. If I'm gone, I'm gone. For real. If this isn't going to work, I need to know. I feel… I feel like you almost don't want me to love you. It seems like when I talk about how much I love you, and how much I get you, and how much I understand how you feel, you get more upset. It's… well. Like I said. It's like you don't want me to love you anymore. I hope to God that isn't true. Please take some time to think about what I've said in this letter. I love you, Elliot Christopher. For the rest of my life.

Love,
Liv

What if when I'm long gone
It dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear
If I leave here
Its done I'm gone that's that
You carry my love around
Like it's a heavy burden
Well I'm about to take it back
Are you sure its worth it

I put the letter on the table in the hall where I knew he'll see it first thing when he comes in. Just as I'm eyeballing it to make sure it's just perfect, Lizzie knocks on the door before entering. "Anyone home?" she calls out.

"Right here," I say.

"Oh! Hey, Liv. Did you, um, is everything okay?" she glances around frantically. I laugh to myself. She has no clue how bad this really is.

"Your dad isn't even home yet, Liz. You're in the clear. Where are your brother and sister?"

"Uh, zonked out in the back of my car. Matt and Casey threw the football around for like TWO HOURS after dinner, and Lexi painted my nails. Eight different colors," she holds up her hands and wiggles her toes in her sandals.

"Very nice," I giggle.

"I know, right? What hospital wouldn't hire a pediatrician with yellow and blue toenails?"

I laugh as I pull the front door shut behind me and we walk back to Lizzie's Grand Prix to pull the sleeping kids out.

"So. Where's dad?" she asks.

"Working," I whisper, rolling my eyes as I reach down to grab Lexi.

"Oh. This is bad, isn't it, Liv?" she asks.

"'Fraid so, Liz. But I'm going to bust my ass to make it work," I reply.

She nods. "I know you will."

After we tuck the kids into their beds, Lizzie leaves. I watch the news and a couple of the late shows and then decide to head for bed myself. I lay there for an hour at least, unable to drift off. Panic rises in my throat when I hear Elliot's key in the front door. I hear him drop his keys in the glass dish on the table and I know he'll see my note. A few minutes later, he's standing in our bedroom door with it in his hand.

"Liv? Can we talk about this?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say. "I think we should."

Baby I'm begging please
& I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me
Stop loving you
Stop needing you

A/N: Couple things. One, obsessedwithstabler, KEEP YOUR SHOES ON and get out from under that sink! Two, I know you guys don't like how this ends all open-y. Do you want to know what happens? REVIEW IT! Otherwise I'm going to make you use your imaginations!! Hee! XO, Kinsey