Disclaimer: If you want to sue me, remember: I have two dollars. J.K. Rowling has... more.

I'm alive. I know you all probably though I was dead. Unfortunately for you lot, I'm really hard to kill off.

I didn't forget about you! quite the contrary, I got a lovely email saying that you voted me as most humorous MWPP story, to which I can only say: thank you. you rock my socks. I love you all!

I also spent most of my summer writing a sequel (I wrote the whole thing), but then I decided that it was crap. If any of you want to read the parts that I DIDN'T delete in a fit of rage, you can be emailed them for £6 million or Orlando Bloom's phone number. Whichever.

I am writing a synopsis, because its been so damn long. (unless you WANT to waste precious time rereading Puttin' 'em Through the Program. I have no problem with that.)

SYNOPSIS: Lily and her friend, Grace, hate Sirius and James. Blah Blah Blah. Sirius and James are evil oppressors of animals and females. Lily and Grace blackmail them, and make them take a kick-ass class that most males should be forced to take. Blah Blah Blah. In the true spirit of a L/J story, Lily and James start dating.

I'll write little things for the characters (exception: Lily, Grace (NOT a HP character for all you people running to your HP stashes checking for her name), Sirius, James, Remus, and all our fav. HP characters) after I say their names. (example: James Potter is Harry's dad. Sirius is the grim reaper. –Just kidding. but actually, I like that. I may write it in somewhere.)

ok, I know you've all stopped paying attention by now, so on with the show:

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Chapter One: Another Fight in the Life of Sirius and Grace

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, de da le de. There they are a standing in a row, bum bum bum. Big ones small ones, some has big as your head!" Sirius sang in the Great Hall at breakfast. "And er... I don't know the rest of the words," he shrugged.

The numerous girls who had circled around him burst into applause.

"Brilliant, Siry!" said one of them. "Teach me!"

"You have such a great voice. You should be in a band!" cried another.

"Yeah, Siry, will you marry me?!" chimed in a sarcastic voice. "I'd shine your shoes with my tongue and worship the ground you walk on!"

Sirius turned around to face the person the other girls were no glaring at. "Bella, I'm sorry I can't marry you. I think it's illegal. I'm sure you'll survive."

"Too bad, dear cousin. I saw your mother over break. You've really broken her heart," said Bellatrix, examining her nails. "She's blasted your name off the family tree."

"Mum doesn't have a heart to break," said Sirius. "Besides, I'm sure another hole is just what that tapestry needs."

"Alright, everyone," said Grace, walking over to the table, "I need to sit here, and this isn't your table, so please move." They girls grudgingly did so, and Grace sat next to Remus.

"Ah, still hanging with filth, I see," remarked Bellatrix, staring pointedly at Grace. "A Black should do so much better. But wait, you're not a Black now, are you?"

"Bellatrix," said Grace, "you aren't your usual pleasant self. Have you not had a small child for breakfast yet?"

Bellatrix lifted up her nose, "You're awfully brave, mudblood."

"Bella, please go if you're going to insult us," said Sirius.

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't trying to insult, but I can take a hint. Goodbye, Gryffindor." She walked casually to the Slytherin table.

"Where's Lily?" asked Grace. "She left our room a half hour ago."

"Hmmm," said Remus. "Well, James is missing as well, so there you are."

"Haha! James and Lily are off snogging in a broom closet again!" cried Sirius.

"Sirius, act your age, not your IQ," said Grace. "Ah, there she is! Walking in with James. Okay, so maybe you were right."

"What's an IQ?" asked Peter.

No one answered him as Lily and James came at that moment.

"Hey everyone, how'd you sleep?" asked Lily as she sat down.

"Terrible," said Sirius.

"Awful," said Grace.

"I didn't," said Peter.

Lily grabbed the plate of bacon and began placing it on her own plate. "Glad to hear it."

"Lily!" cried Grace indignantly.

"I know!" agreed Sirius. "The nerve of asking us how we are and not even caring!"

She gave him a weird look. "I was referring to the dead pig she's stacking on her plate! Do you know what they do to those pigs?! Cruelty to animals!"

"Grace," said Lily calmly, picking up her fork, "you have strawberry jam on your toast. They smashed those strawberries. Cruelty to strawberries!"

"Do you want me to stop eating altogether?" asked Grace. "'Cause that's what I'm getting."

"Did they really hurt the strawberries?" asked Peter, looking very sad.

"Strawberries don't have a central nervous system, so they can't feel hurt," replied Lily.

Peter looked confused, but he didn't comment on it again.

"You don't know they can't feel!" cried Sirius. "First you don't care about how we feel, then you're onto how the pigs feel, and now you don't care about the poor strawberries! Where does it end?!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Sirius," said Lily, "you would have slept better if you have done your Transfiguration essay when it was assigned. The night before it's due is not the best time."

Sirius held up his arms in exasperation, "I'm sorry I didn't write my essay a month ago! I'm sorry I wasn't perfect!" He let them down in sudden realization. "Wait, Prongs wasn't at our all-night essay party in the Room of Requirement. Why?"

"Because I didn't wait a month to write it," said James, biting into a piece of toast.

Sirius turned, stood up, and pointed a finger at Lily. "You helped him. You wrote his essay for him! Don't deny it!"

"What?! I most certainly did not!" cried Lily. "James wasn't a procrastinator like you!"

Sirius crossed his arm and tapped his foot. "Uh huh, suuuuure. Denier."

"I didn't bloody help him! He wrote it on his own!" cried Lily exasperated.

"DENIER!"

"Sirius, SHUT UP!" cried Grace. "You're so annoying!"

"I am not," said Sirius.

"No, you are," Grace said.

"We've got another denier on our hands!" cried Sirius. "Denier!"

"Ok, Sirius," said James, "I agree with Grace. You're really annoying."

"You're just jealous 'cause I sing and you can't," said Sirius.

"Who says you can sing?" asked James.

"The entire female population of Hogwarts," said Sirius. "Oh, minus the Slytherins. And faculty. Oh, and Grace."

"Yeah but they haven't heard me sing. And who got the wizard wireless karaoke for Christmas?" asked James.

"Your father for you. It was against his better judgement, or possibly he's never heard you sing before," said Sirius.

As if on cue, a fifth year came over to them.

"Sirius," she said, "I heard something in your room last night all the way from the common room. It sounded like someone was dying. Are you alright?"

"I wasn't in my room last night," said Sirius, looking confused. Then a smile appeared on his face, "But James was! James, did you by any chance-oh, I don't know- sing on your karaoke thingy last night?"

"Yes, but no one was dying in our room," said James, looking confused.

Everyone else burst out laughing.

Sirius nodded, "No, we're all fine." The girl walked away as confused-looking as James.

"What? There wasn't anyone dying in our room! I would have heard them," said James.

Lily took a deep breath while laughing, attempting to sober up, "I'm sure there weren't."

James looked satisfied until she burst out laughing again. "Ugh, I'm leaving if you're not letting me in on the joke."

He stood up and walked out of the Great Hall.

"I'd better go get him before he hurts himself," said Lily, when everyone had recovered. She, too, stood up and walked out.

"Transfiguration, then?" asked Sirius.

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Sirius danced on his way to Transfiguration. He effectively bumped into Grace.

"Sirius!" cried Grace. "Watch it!"

Sirius bumped into her again. This time it was probably intended. That was what Grace decided.

She let out a "OH YOU ARE SO DEAD!" and chased him all the way to the classroom.

Sirius bumped into Professor McGonagall.

"Mr. Black!" she cried, straightening her bun. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I was running," said Sirius, "from a wild savage beast sometimes referred to as the evil Grace Greenleaf."

"Oh please!" cried Grace. "You bumped into me on purpose!"

"'He bumped into me on purpose,'" mocked Sirius. "Yeah, that's gonna sound real good when you're in front of a trial for my murder."

"A trial?" asked Grace. "Are you kidding? They'll probably give me a medal!"

"I'm too incredibly good-looking to kill!" cried Sirius. "They probably wouldn't even let you have a trial! You'd go straight to Azkaban!"

"Mr. Black, Miss Greenleaf, that's quite enough!" interrupted Professor McGonagall. Sirius and Grace both remembered she was there, and quieted. "I want you both to sit down right now!" They did as she said, sitting on opposite ends of the room.

After everyone had gotten in the room and the bell had rung, Professor McGonagall smiled at the class.

"I want you to turn this pigeon into a fish," she said. She taught them the proper spell (Formus Changus), and made another announcement. "Mr. Black, Miss Greenleaf, sit next to each other. You are partners."

Sirius and Grace groaned.

"For the rest of the year," she added.

The groan became a scream.

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A/n: Yes, there is the beautiful first chapter. I know you all loved my spell (I'll think of better ones later, probably).

I just wanted to thank you all for reading this and being so supportive! You all are my awesome list!