Kaoru ran, feet pounding on the tarmac beneath him. Rain poured, soaking him but he didn't even shiver.
Hikaru was in the church, comforting Haruhi when he got the call.
She realised immediately. He thought she'd be upset, scared even. But no matter what, his connection to Kaoru was greater – much greater- than his to her.
She understood. She didn't like it, but she understood.
So he ran. He left her on the phone to Tamaki, still hunched under the table, cowering from the storm, but safe in the knowledge Tamaki was on his way to reassure her.
Hikaru's panic over Haruhi paled completely into insignificance compared to this. That was nothing, a mere drop of water parallel to the huge ocean of terror he felt now his twin was in danger.
He ran in blind fear. The rain made everything harder; fog obscured his vision. He fell but took no notice of the pain, or the blood trickling from the grazes newly formed on his hands and knees.
Kaoru had always hid the extremities of his emotions from his older brother. Sure enough, outwardly he appeared to be the weaker, needy twin but the reality was anything but. Truthfully, it was Hikaru who needed the guidance, the care and patience. That was why Kaoru always made sure that their performance in the host club was exactly that- just a performance. In the privacy of their home life, Hikaru was the one who leaned of Kaoru whilst the latter did everything in his power to support him and make him happy.
Even if that led to his own unhappiness.
~*~
It had been roughly a month since Kaoru had seen it.
Since he had witnessed the event that broke his heart.
It was his bedroom for god's sake. He had every right to be in there.
She, however, did not.
He'd never forget how she looked; long hair, messy from what they'd been doing, the soft swell of her rounded skin. He'd always thought Haruhi to be angular, skinny, underneath all those layers but in reality she was so much more feminine, smooth and muted curves usually hidden.
That was the moment of realisation for two things.
Number one; he did not love Haruhi. He did not lust after her. Seeing her like that, exposed and open, had completely put him off. It wasn't that he was repulsed by her body- he just wasn't attracted to it any longer.
Number two was the more complicated insight. Haruhi's body might not appeal to him but the other one he'd glimpsed, had.
Pale, lanky with slender muscle. Kaoru had seen him topless, in just his underwear many a time but the twinge occurring then didn't even come close to comparing with the utter yearning he felt now.
Despite his desire though, he managed to compose himself, to drag his eyes away and run from the doorway as Haruhi slipped her dress back over her head.
Later he could pretend it never happened, that he never saw a thing. But he couldn't hide all his feelings from Hikaru.
Twins have a sixth sense when it comes to each other. Hikaru might not know what was wrong but he was aware something was. The little signs revealed it all. The twitch as his brother moved away from his touch ever so slightly. The way he caught him staring at him from the corner of his eye, only for Kaoru to dart his gaze away when Hikaru turned his head. It all added up to something- but what?
At nights Hikaru heard him crying. He wanted to move over, just slightly, in their huge bed but couldn't quite bring himself to. Instead he just listened, eyes scrunched up with the pain of hearing his twin break down. Sometimes he even put his hands over his ears to try and quell the muffled noises of pain. He would wait until Kaoru got up and went into their en-suite before taking his hands away and letting himself fall asleep.
But in the morning, the pain always returned when he saw the limp bandages or plasters on Kaoru's arms before he had a chance to put his wristbands on.
Kaoru sat underneath a dripping tree after having finally collapsed in a state of fitful tears.
Letting himself slip sideways, he lay on damp leaves, allowing his tears to mingle with the rain water.
Hikaru ran erratically, his breath coming in short, harsh pants. His legs gave way, leaving him gasping on his hands and knees. Frustration finally broke through the numbness and he yelled into the empty surroundings.
When he first received Tamaki's call he'd felt nothing. Then, after seeing Haruhi's confused face, dread jolted through him. After telling her to call Tamaki, he'd ran out of the church.
If only he'd spoken to Kaoru about his attraction to Haruhi. If only he'd held him that first night when he cried. If only he'd never gone on that date and left his vulnerable brother alone. If only, if only, if only.
A call.
Hikaru glanced at it in desperation, longing for it to be Kyoya. The only sane and calm human being in the host club who might actually be of some use. If not him, then Mori would do. But please God, don't let it be Tamaki.
It wasn't.
"Hikaru?" His twin's shaking voice left Hikaru speechless with relief.
"Hika-chan…I've done something stupid."
And all at once, that panic came flooding back, congealing in his veins and turning his body to ice.
"Stay on the phone." He managed to stutter out. "Just let me know you're still breathing."