Wander
By Aa-chan
I am frightened.
It's odd to acknowledge the fact. I guess I'm not really the
sort of person who likes to admit defeat, and being frightened is one step
closer to giving up.
But how could I not be? In such a short time, my entire world,
my entire life, came crashing down around me. How could this have happened?
I abruptly realize that I'm trembling, huddled like a
terrified child among the sparse trees, where I awakened. I am hugging my knees
to my chest and I think I could cry, if I didn't fight the urge so fiercely.
With effort I stop shaking, and awkwardly rise to my feet, stiff after lying on
the ground for who-knows-how-long. Balgus always said that a true swordsman
never let his emotions betray himself. Life is a battle, and you must try to
remain strong. Not that I ever wanted to learn swordsmanship, but—
I suddenly freeze where I stand, replaying my own thoughts
in my mind. 'Balgus always said.' He is gone now, along with Fanelia,
all because of some cowardly attackers who didn't even show themselves! All in
the space of a few hours, someone anonymous had destroyed everything I held
dear to me.
Balgus, Merlu, and Fanelia. They were all I had left,
really, after my family had… had… Well, it doesn't matter now, because they are
all gone!
When I was a little boy, my life was so happy, I was so
carefree. I was naïve. I thought the world was a happy, wonderful place to
live. Anything troubling was tucked safely away into nightmares.
I lean against a tree, frowning. Now that I think about it,
I began to understand that Gaea wasn't such a beautiful place after all on that
day Merlu dared me to fly. I had never used my wings much, seeing no need for
it, but I was always a daring person. Even when Merlu was afraid and told me
not to, I didn't see any sort of consequences that could come of it.
That is, until I started to fall. In a rush of
comprehension, I realized I could die. My mother few up to catch me, and as she
hugged me close and smoothed my hair, she whispered in my ear. She murmured for
me not to let anyone see me wings, and I didn't understand. Was there something
wrong with them? I didn't understand, but Mother's words seemed to carry an
incredible weight of significance that made me feel as though I'd done
something terrible. I clung to her, crying, breathing in her scent that had
always reminded me of lilies.
Whenever I smell lilies, now, I somehow feel sorrow and
happiness mingled…
After Folken disappeared, after both Father and Mother died,
Balgus was my only connection to them. He had known them long ago, and was my
father's closest advisor and friend. He was always good to me. With his great
hulk and that old war scar over his eye, and coarse grey hair, he would have
been imposing to most people, but not me. I used to tug on his mustache.
He began to teach me the ways of a true Fanelian prince, and
I learned that he was full of such admirable qualities—like his sense of
honour, and duty, and his pride in being a Fanelian knight…
I will miss him.
I sneeze, and I realize just how cold it is now for the
first time. I wonder where that girl—Hitomi—is, but I don't think I can go look
for her yet. I feel guilty, but my depression overrides that.
Fanelia is gone now.
When I was first told I had to take the place as king, I
didn't want to. It seemed as if I was replacing the lives of my father and
brother, as if I was taking over something that didn't belong to me. And being
king? Why should I have cared to do something like that? I'm not exactly the dignified,
clever, elegant person that I tend to associate with royalty. But then again,
neither was Father.
I remember, though, that one day a band of some strange
creatures invaded the castle. I had never seen them, but I recognized them from
Balgus' description of a snakelike people with almost human minds. They were
called Jin, and kept to themselves usually. The only thing that could bring
them out of hiding was their extreme prejudice for specific creatures, and they
were going after Merlu.
I killed them, each and every one with my sword. I wanted to
yell, to shake, to run even, but I Balgus' teachings kept running through my
mind. When they were dead, I dropped to my knees, but Merlu hugged me and
licked my face with fervent gratefulness and love. And I realized then that I
liked to protect people, and I could do that as king.
That, coupled with my sense of honour and duty I'd acquired
from Balgus, lead me ultimately to the choice.
I love—loved—that land, and everyone in it. And now, it is
all gone. There is nothing left for me. Nothing. No one to love, no one who
loves me, no one to protect…
A scream suddenly rings out in the chill night air, and I
jerk away from the tree, running in the direction it came from. That was
Hitomi. A helpless, lost, girl, naïve to the ways of Gaea, wandering aimlessly.
I do have someone to protect after all, don't I?