Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto characters.

Rating: M? I guess, lol.

Always Alone – Chapter 1

Iruka stood on the balcony of a secluded apartment within Konoha. His Chuunin vest open, exposing his dark body in the night air. His skin was cold, but the aged youth didn't mind. The cold air reminded him that his heart still pumped blood within his shivering body. The way his body froze reminded him that he was not dreaming, that he was alive, and that everything that had happened a year ago did.

A year ago he was a sad and lonely man. He was a man of control, within every aspect of his life. He was a teacher, he helped guide the youth of his village, and he was a shinobi of Konoha. His emotions were connected solely to his own life, rather than enveloped within his lovers. A year ago this man became happy, but at the same time the walls that protected his heart began to break. The walls crashing down to a silver haired wolf disguised as a man.

So much history of heart ache and pain resided in the man he loved. Iruka could never figure out how the man kept from shattering, how he kept his life together. Even more so when his lovers' team was disbanded a month ago, and his students were dispersed between greater shinobi.

He wondered how Kakashi could have weathered such an emotional blow. Iruka was told how Kakashi's original team was torn apart. Parent, rivals, best friends, and teachers all lost between the course of a couple years. Iruka didn't know what he would do if he lost everything dear to him, and to go through it twice was an insane thought.

The only person who could come close to that aspect was Kakashi, and he was certain that the current situation lead to one destination, their separation. The Jounin had taken a string of unranked ANBU missions, leaving the Chuunin to go sleepless nights, cursed with worry.

Humorous was the situation. Iruka knew that Kakashi was currently in the apartment that they shared. Knew that he should be in his home, wrapped in his lovers' embrace, instead he was alone in the cold. Trapped within his serious thought.

"Why are you out here?" An outsider asked, the smoky scent drafting in the chuunin's senses as he felt arms wrap around him.

Iruka, reminded of the presence behind him by a bulge in the other mans pants. Remembering that his true lover was probably hurt, bleeding, and alone at home, Iruka lost his will to be at this place. So he made his way back into the complex and gathered his things.

"Where are you going?" The young man asked.

"Out," was all the Chuunin offered.

"Mind if I tag along?" The other asked with a smirk, only to have the front door of his home slammed in his face.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Iruka walked into the darkened home, and was greeted by a single light. He looked up and saw that the light was pouring from the bathroom. No water was running, but he knew that the man was in there. Kakashi always returned to the light after a mission. No matter how gruesome and mutilating the operation was to the shinobi's soul.

Iruka thought of Kakashi not only as his lover, but as his best friend. But never had he thought in all his life that he would be blessed to find someone. Someone he knew that he wanted to spend his entire life with. He wanted the best for Kakashi, because he loved him with as much intensity as he did for his village.

So why was he doing this to his family? Why was he sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, or not coming home at all? Why was he committing himself to a life of loneliness and despair? How could he risk everything for a fleeting moment of happiness each and every single day?

At least Kakashi had an excuse for doing the same. The silver haired Jounin was doing his duty for Konoha. Still, all Iruka could ask himself was why? Just why?

Iruka peered into his bathroom and realized his answer. Kakashi sprawled on the tiles of small room. Bandages tightly wrapped on battle scars, hastily, as if to forget they ever happened. Overstressed and overworked marks lay apparent on his face. Iruka was amazed that the man in front of him never collapsed within his own village, choosing instead to go to sleep whenever his body felt tired. No matter the location.

Iruka knew that Kakashi was taking care of himself despite the dangers of missions. Iruka knew this because he held the knowledge that Kakashi would never walk the same path of his famous father. Kakashi would never commit suicide in anyway. But the Jounin looked so pale and sunken, like he was starving himself out of depression, or drinking too much.

However, Kakashi still hurt himself in some ways. For example, the Jounin stopped contacting his friends. Gai's challenges went unmet, Genma lost contact, and Asuma… Iruka didn't want to think of the chain smoking man.

Kakashi had even pushed Iruka away because of the intense missions that ANBU were involved with. The teacher was always busy, always asleep when the Jounin returned from a blood bath. Iruka did not know if Kakashi noticed that he was no longer around.

So Iruka turned to a comfort from this hurtful action, he knew Kakashi was not doing this intentionally, but that didn't mean he did not want solace for the cold nights. For the cold days when his heart could no longer bear the weight of being ignored by his lover.

So that was Iruka's refrain, his life was falling apart and he could do nothing about it. He simply picked up the sleeping form of his lover and carried the man to the bed that they shared. Deftly draping a blanket over his lover while he prayed over tomorrow, praying that things would change and their lives would return to the semblance he missed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: An experiment, Feedback is greatly appreciated.