Ashes in a Cavity
By Artichokie
Tearful smiles were plastered on every face in the crowd. The women, dressed in their most flamboyant attire, dabbed their eyes with pristine, white handkerchiefs as they held onto their closest companion's arm. The men, however impressive they looked in their Sunday best, gallantly stood stiffly for even they failed to be unmoved by the scene before them. Some even had a single tear residing in the folds of their eyes, though they would be denying it later when their friends began to tease.
One man, a fair-haired man with haunting grey eyes, stood just beyond the innermost circle of the group congregating around the edges of the dance floor. He watched the young couple dance pleasantly, a pang of torment prodding his heart. His tale was always one of tragic romance; he'd always be the back-up lover, but never the main hero.
No one would know of his pain, though; this day was about the dancing couple and their future of happiness together. Remus Lupin would make sure of that. He was rather adept at hiding unnecessary emotions.
They were almost as opposite as two humans could be, this couple—not only in looks, but in personality, as well.
She was a fiery-haired woman with deep bottle green eyes. Her skin was as fair as the brilliant morning sun with a light sprinkling of little freckles along the bridge of her nose. Her cheeks were tinted pink from the exertion of moving across the floor. She was very graceful, almost delicate, even.
He, on the other hand, he was a strapping young man with dark coloring. His untamable black hair was combed back as best as it could be. However, strands did stream down in front of his spectacle-clad hazel eyes. He seemed unconscious of that fact, however, for his eyes never strayed from his new wife.
James Potter had finally managed to get what he'd been arrogantly pronouncing would happen since their third year. Lily Evans was now his to hold, to love, to cherish until death do them part. No one had believed it at first.
James bent his head close to Lily's ear and whispered something. When he pulled back, he was grinning a broad smile. Lily's twinkling laughter was soon heard over the music, and, when she was turned to face Remus, he noted how her lips were spread elegantly into a gleeful smile. Remus felt the pinch of regret he'd been ignoring all day grow tighter in the recess of his heart.
"Moony!" a familiar voice called quietly to him. Remus turned to his right and saw one of his best friends, James's best man for the wedding, Sirius Black. Remus could tell his friend was happy for James; he was already celebrating, in fact. He held a glass of champagne uncannily delicately in one hand as he reached out to pat Remus on the shoulder with the other.
"Hey, Padfoot," Remus returned with a smile. They both turned to the dancing couple, who were just now finishing their first dance as man and wife.
"It's about time she gave in. She led him on a merry chase, that one," Sirius remarked off-handedly. Turning his head, he gave Remus an impish grin, "He'll never be bored, that's for sure!" With a jubilant laugh, Sirius set off for the wedded couple. The Potters were now surrounded by well-wishers, who had congregated just as the final note of the music died off. The poor couple never even got a chance to catch their breath.
Shaking his head with reluctant pity, Remus turned away from the crowd and walked over to an empty table. He planted himself into an empty chair that faced the crowd and immediately sought out Lily. Despite the thick horde, she was easy to spot.
Her eyes swerved in his direction and he immediately averted his gaze. He knew he'd been caught staring, and his cheeks grew hot in response. She always managed to catch him when he least wanted her to.
He observed the fine linen tablecloth. He hadn't an idea where they had gotten it from, but it was a spectacular shade of emerald green. It was, no doubt, James's suggestion to have the color scheme be green. While in Hogwarts, he couldn't stop ranting about the brilliant coloring of Lily's eyes. After a while, green became his favorite color. Though he'd admit it now, he had been literally infatuated with the girl.
A smile grew on Remus's lips. Thinking about how carefree and young they once were was always bittersweet. He longed to escape back to those times, when they hadn't a care in the world. He wished the four of them could escape back to the nights when they'd wander after hours and wreak havoc on Hogwarts. He wanted to resume the Girls vs. Boys war that had aroused back in their second year. He wanted the innocence back; he wanted it all back!
But the only thing that returned once the memories faded was the sense of responsibility, the fear. The pain. With Voldemort rising to power, they had to be on-guard at all times. With the violence escalating, it was a roller coaster ride every morning when one read the daily newspaper—Muggle or otherwise. With Lily and James's marriage, well . . .
"Enjoying yourself, Lupin?" a teasing voice said softly.
Startled out of his thoughts, Remus swiftly turned his head to his left, and, immediately, he found it hard to breathe. Lily Evans--Potter! he amended with a curse--was, indeed, an entrancing sight. Dancing with James, her vivid beauty had been enhanced by his dark coloring. However, nothing compared to how she looked now. Up close, she was exquisite!
"Very much so, Potter," he said, emphasizing the last word, with a slight grin. It hurt to say out loud, he admitted that silently to himself, but only repetition would ease the sting. At least, he hoped it would.
She let out a soft chuckle. "It's so odd, isn't it? If someone would have told me one year ago that I would marry James, I think I would have thrown my Potions book at them."
Remus raised a bemused eyebrow. "Lily Evans provoked to violence? And here I thought your marriage was something."
"Well, maybe I wouldn't have thrown it, but I would have wanted to," she amended, a sheepish gleam entering her eyes.
"No doubt!" Remus laughed. Quickly sobering, he glanced towards the empty chair next to him. Glancing back at her face, he said, "Would you like to have a seat? It's been a while since we were last able to talk, and I'm sure your feet must be aching from being the cordial bride."
Giving Remus a sincere smile, Lily glanced over her shoulder at her new husband. Remus instantly understood her concern, and the pinch became a firm grasp around his heart. Ignoring it, he added a pretended, yet convincing, note of jovialness to his voice as he said, "Or would ol' James become overwhelmed with jealousy like in the good days?"
Lily faced him again. The amused gleam in her eye that was sparked by his comment told Remus that she was recalling the days when James had suspected Remus of secretly trying to get Lily for himself. If only James had known how right his assumptions were, they probably wouldn't be friends right now. If Remus had to pinpoint a time when he became exceptionally adept at guarding his emotions, he would say it had been during that year, his fifth year at Hogwarts. He half-regretted ever giving into the fear of losing James's friendship.
"No, I doubt he'd become jealous. He finally got me to marry him, did he not?" she said with a smile as she sat down next to him, adjusting her white skirts beneath her. Remus pulled out his wand and Accio-ed two glasses of champagne over to them. They landed softly on the table in front of them and he slipped his wand back into his jacket sleeve. "Besides," Lily continued, "he's with Sirius at the moment. You know how those two can be when they're together."
Remus nodded as he took a sip from his glass, glancing at James. His friend was laughing at something Sirius had said, probably some obscene comment. They were a pair, those two. Sometimes Remus felt slightly out of their loop since he tended to be a bit more serious, but he immediately pushed those emotions out of his mind. They were like brothers to him, and he them. Now, Peter on the other hand . . .
Swallowing a hearty drink, he ignored the tingling of unease that enveloped him whenever Pettigrew came forefront in his mind. That little man lived his own life, made his own mistakes. It was not Remus's job to make sure he never crossed any lines.
Glancing back at Lily, he noticed the smile that was tenaciously sticking to her face. Whenever her eyes landed on James, her entire face lit up. She had a hard time keeping her attention off of her new husband, Remus noted as he watched Lily absently bring the glass to her lips. The death-like grip on his heart tightened, and Remus had to fight the instinctive urge to rub his chest. Instead, he said, "Marriage suits you."
Her eyes instantly swiveled back to Remus, and amused smile flirting with her mouth. Slowly, she set her glass down as she said, "I've only been married for a couple of hours, so how can you tell?"
Remus shrugged. "Just a feeling." Lily's eyebrows fell into a confused frown, but he didn't pay attention to it. He returned his attention to James, who was currently accepting well wishes from Lily's parents. Remus had never seen a more ecstatic man before. "He looks happy," he thought out loud.
"He does," she remarked quietly. Something in her tone made Remus quickly glance back at her. She was staring at Remus, the confused expression still planted on her face. There was a question in her eyes, and he knew what she was asking, but he refused to answer. There was enough misery living in everyone already, and Remus didn't want to live while knowing he'd only added more to this newly wedded woman's conscience.
"You look happy," he said sincerely.
"I am." Despite her confusion, she couldn't help the smile that crossed her features.
Noting the happy glow emanating from her flushed skin, he instantly knew that he had done the right thing in refusing to voice his emotions. Lily and James were meant to be together, they truly did love each other. It may forever sting him, and his heart may never be complete again, but he'd get used to living with the facts around him. Letting out a light chuckle, he commented, "I never thought I'd see this day."
Something must have shown in his expression, however, for Lily was no longer smiling. Her confused mask was back in place, and she looked concernedly at Remus. She set her half-empty glass away from her and folded her hands on top of the tablecloth. "What about you, Remus?" she asked quietly. "Are you happy?"
For a second, he let the aloof facade fall away and exposed his internal pain. He wanted to tell her what was in his heart, wanted to get his anguish out in the open so he could begin the healing process! He didn't want to ruin the happy mood, though.
Shuttering his expression once more, he assured her, "I will be." His voice was just as quiet as hers had been, and he was careful to make it void of the painful emotions he was feeling. "I promise you that."
That brief look into his unconcealed emotions had been enough for Lily. Remus could see the sympathetic look in her eyes. He hated it; he didn't want her sympathy. He wanted her love, he wanted her, but that would never happen. He knew it; he only had to come to terms with that, and therein was the challenge.
"I'm so sorry, Remus. I never intended--" she started, but Remus refused to hear her out.
Remus reached out and grasped her hand. "Don't try to explain, Lils. I understand." Giving it a firm squeeze, he continued, "You can't control whom you love. Although I don't like it, I will accept it." Remus tried to remove his hand from her grasp, but she wouldn't allow him that freedom.
"I do love you, Remus," she stated emphatically, her hand now squeezing his. She leaned closer, her eyes shining with sincerity. "I always have, you know, but just not in the same way I do James."
"You don't owe me an explanation. I told you already, I understand." Faking a jovial smile, Remus patted her hand with his free one. When she failed to erase the concern from her brows, Remus leaned forward and said softly, "Don't worry about me; I never dwell on what can't be changed. You and James make a fetching couple; I can tell you two love each other very much."
Remus glanced at James and noticed that his attention was now on his wife. It wouldn't be long before he made his way over to her, and, despite his previous statement, he wasn't ready to see the loving couple prove the crowd how much in love they actually were. As much as he'd like to talk to his good friend, Remus wasn't sure if he could actually stand it.
Lily had also noticed her husband's scrutiny of her, Remus realized when he glanced back at her. She was returning James's gaze, a telling blush rising in her cheeks. He decided then that it was time to leave. Squeezing her hand to get her attention, which he did, he said conversely, "Give James my best wishes for me, will you? I'm afraid I can't stay; I have business to attend to. I'm sure he'll understand."
He stood and attempted to release his hand from her grasp. She was tenacious, this Lily. When she refused to let go, he gently grabbed her wrist and pulled his hand free. Her hand dropped limply into her lap, and Remus almost regretted the incident. She looked almost beaten when she gazed up at him, and he wasn't sure how much more his heart could take.
He grabbed her shoulders and placed a light, friendly kiss upon her up-turned cheek. Pulling back, he said genuinely, "Congratulations, Lily Evans-Potter." With a smile, he let go of her shoulders and turned to walk out of the glass door.
"Remus!" Lily called out from behind him. He turned and raised an eyebrow. She had stood, her hands raised and reaching out to him. Their eyes met and, once more, he let her know of his pain. Instantly, he saw his own pain reflected in her eyes. She knew that he had hurt him, and he knew that she hated being the cause of anyone's pain. There was nothing she could do about it, though, and they both realized that.
Dropping her hands, she clasped them in front of her. She let her head hang against her chest for a brief moment before bringing her eyes up to meet his, the pain that had once been there now gone. "I . . . thank you."
An understanding smile accompanied his words, as he said, "Don't get too crazy on that honeymoon of yours. I'll see you soon." He turned, the smile falling from his face, and continued his journey out of the room.
He walked a little ways into the night before he turned around once more. James had joined Lily, much to his dismay. They were caught in a lover's embrace, and Remus's heart forgot to beat.
The death-like grip that had been provoking his heart all afternoon had finally managed to destroy it. He could feel the now empty cavity like a sore tooth. His jaw clinched in an attempt to fight the tears invading his eyes. He had never allowed himself to cry over something so petty before, and he wasn't going to start now.
But it's not so petty, is it, Lupin? he silently asked myself. No, it wasn't; his love for Lily would now slowly die. It had been a part of him for so long, he literally felt like he was losing a part of him. He had told Lily the truth earlier when he flippantly mentioned that he had never thought to see this day. He had never imagined a day in his life when he would not love Lily. He wasn't sure if he was willing to accept it yet.
With a soft pop!, he instantly disappeared into the night, ignoring the fact that he had allowed a single tear to drop from his cheek and fall into the moist grass beneath his feet.
-End-
Please R/R.