Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Nope, no sparkly vampires do I own. Lol Summary: Edward wants her for eternity, Jake wants her to be human, and Bella…Bella just wants to be able to choose for herself. This occurred to me when I got finished reading New Moon and started Eclipse. In New Moon, I thought I saw a stronger side to Bella, but in Eclipse it was gone. So to honor that brief spark in Bella Swan's spirit, I give you "Choosing Herself"
"Choosing Herself" By Cloudleonsgurl
It felt like a trap.
The ring felt like a heavy weight chaining her down. A trap with no escape. In the beginning, bliss and happiness overwhelmed everything else and she felt like nothing could go wrong. Except they did. Victoria came with her army marching behind her. The Volturi and their warning. And Jake being hurt. It all seemed to be one cataclysm after another, and she thought the ring had been the balm for the wound. A new start…except now that her rose tinted glass fell off, she started to see things differently.
Was it because she had been jaded? James, the Edward leaving, Jake's distance, and every little thing began to feed her doubts. Alice had taken over the wedding preparations, and when Bella wanted one thing, Alice convinced her to choose another. Edward wanted something; Alice went with it without second thought. What happened to her being able to choose something? At first, she kidded herself that she was happy that Alice and Edward made the decisions. It was a load off, she told herself.
Then Edward sent Jake the invitation.
Jake who she had tried to love like she had loved Edward, but couldn't. The Jake she had already hurt enough and Edward had twisted the knife. And now, Jake who had been her rock was gone. Or was he? He had made choices, choices that had hurt her and left her devastated, she had forgiven him. He had been too important to her. And yet, when she did the same to him, he turned on her. Forgiveness be damned. She guessed she wasn't as important to him as she had thought. And so she felt adrift, looking back at her life and her emotions as they filtered through her mind like a terrible kaleidoscope, distorted and broken.
Edward's concern suddenly became controlling, Jake's insistence became obsessing and Bella…Bella lost the ability to choose or think for herself somewhere along the way. Bella wasn't the most strongest of people, or had the most outgoing of personalities or the smartest of women (her taste in men aside), but she had always had a sense of freedom. To stand up and make her life what she had wanted, or so she thought. Staring down at the ring, as the sun pooled through the window on this rare sun filled day, she felt her stomach twisted violently. Who was this person standing here in front of the window? The light reflection was someone she just didn't recognize. This…was a mistake.
She let out a gasp as the thought hit her. But wasn't this all she wanted? Didn't she love Edward enough to give up her mortal life for him? After all they had been through, they were meant to be, weren't they? Her hands shook and she breathed out, "No…no, this isn't what it's meant to be."
Her choices should matter. It was her choices that were supposed to shape her life, but these weren't her choices. Somewhere along the way, someone had taken that away from her or perhaps she had given it away, stupidly believing that it was alright. But it wasn't. And she couldn't keep on going on like this. Her fingers clasped the ring on her finger, and she drew it off in one swift motion feeling her decision set in stone. She knew her father wasn't home, and that Alice would probably inform Edward any second of her decision. It was only a matter of time.
So she sat at the table, feeling her way too wary for her age.
"Bella…" his voice musical and his tawny eyes filled with heartbreak and confusion. He appeared in the doorway, standing there like he had popped out of thin air. So beautiful...always so heartbreaking beautiful.
She didn't say anything at first. She simply set the ring on the table, between them. The air and noise seemed vacuumed out of the room, as her heart twisted painfully in her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered out, barely audible, but he flinched back as if she had screamed it in his face.
Edward's lips twisted, and he stood shaking in the doorway. "This is what you choose? You choose him?" Edward's voice so weak, like anything she'd say would break him.
"I'm not choosing him," Bella shook her head back and forth, her bangs falling into her gaze as she stared up at him with a deep regret. Edward's body relaxed for a faction, but she continued on, "But I'm not choosing you either."
Edward swallowed. "What are you saying, Bella?" He asked, his voice uncharacteristically small as he stepped forward. His skin shined like a thousand stars shining in the sunlight, and her heart clenched, struck by his beauty. But beauty could not dazzle her now.
"I'm choosing me," Bella told him, rising from the table. She picked up the ring, and reached out clasping his hand. She pressed the ring into his palm and blinked back tears. "All my life…I always told myself that I was strong. That I was free to make my life what I wanted," she stated softly.
"You are strong," Edward told her. "And this life…with me…I thought it was what you wanted?"
"I did," Bella admitted, truthfully. "A part of me did. And I do love you, Edward, but if loving you means I lose myself in the process...if I can't be myself with the person that I love, then it isn't right." She said, on a sigh, and shook her head back and forth. "I just can't keep losing myself and turning into a person I don't even recognize anymore. And I hate that. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing someone I don't even know anymore."
"You haven't changed, Bella," Edward held onto her hand, not willing to let go. "You are still my beautiful, shining Bella. Please," he begged, "don't do this."
"I'm…choosing myself, Edward," Bella said, firmly. "I'm sorry."
Her hand pulled from his, and the ring slipped out of his grasp, and fell to the floor with a loud thud. Bella gave him one sad look before turning and heading up to her room. By the time Charlie came home, Edward and his ring were gone.
The town's reactions had been what Bella expected. Many said 'I told you so'. Several said she had been faking a pregnancy, Jessica being one of the loudest of them and several other unflattering rumors were flying around. Bella said nothing in her defense either way because she knew the truth and to her that's all that mattered. Mike had been overly ecstatic, but that ended when Bella informed him that as soon as the year was over, she'd be leaving. The Cullens had been many things: some were sympathetic, others understanding and a few filled with anger and disbelief. Needless to say, they had taken a vacation to Alaska for a while. If Bella had her way, she'd be gone before they got back. But last but not least, her father's reaction had been a mixture of happiness because he had never approved of Edward, and sadness because he could tell the decision had hurt Bella badly.
What was even worse it that as soon as he had heard, Jake had returned. She knew what he was hoping for, but she knew with a heavy heart it was not something she could give him. Bella had yet to see him, but when she couldn't worm her way out of going down to La Push with her father, she knew that it was inevitable.
"It will only be for a moment, Bells," Charlie told her softly. "I promise," he said as they walked to Billy Black who sat waiting for them along with the Wolf Pack, "I'll be quick."
"Please," she told him, her brown eyes filled with apprehension and with good reason. The Wolf Pack stared at her, with a variety of looks. Emery, Quil and Seth seemed happy to see her, as well as Emily if the wolf girl's wide grin was any indication. Paul's nostrils flared as he tried to smell any vampire scent on her while Sam's expression was indifferent. Leah looked like she had swallowed something particularly nasty and the others looked curiosity or with indifference. Jake however stood behind the rest, and his dark eyes had never left Bella once.
He wasn't dazzling, not the way Edward was. But his life, his bright smile, his warmth drew her to him like a moth to a flame at a time when her life felt bleak and desolate. It was one of the reason she had come to love him. Now, Bella held back a wince as she saw the shine of hopefulness inside his eyes. Billy chuckled as they approached, "When you called me about boxes instead of fishing, I started to get worry. Why do need all these boxes anyways?"
Charlie hesitated, sending a look at Bella then at Jake. Bella sighed, and stepped forward. "They are for me, Billy," Bella told him, softly. "I'm...moving out."
Billy's eyes widened and he glanced back at Jake, worriedly. Jake's face went ashen. Billy cleared his throat, and inquired, "Out of your father's?"
Bella nodded. "That...and out of Forks." She kept her gaze lowered avoiding the risk of catching Jake's gaze.
Charlie looked at Billy. "So...where are those boxes?" He asked.
"...follow me," Billy said, after sending Sam a meaningful look. He only hoped that Sam would be able to keep things from getting out of hand and also keep Jake from running away again. Billy and Charlie walked off leaving Bella to face all the wolves alone. Bella shifted on her feet nervously, and waved awkwardly, wondering who was going to address the elephant (or in this case wolf) in the room first. Emily was the first to take pity on her and walked over and pulled her into a hug. "Hello, Bella," she whispered. "Stay strong."
Bella felt the weight drop off her shoulders, as the understanding in Emily's eyes soothed away some of her fears. "Thank you," Bella whispered out. When Emily moved back, she gave another wave this time more confident. "Hey."
"You're moving?" Jake interrupted any reply, sounded hurt.
"By the end of the year, yes," Bella nodded.
"But…I thought," Jake stopped himself short, looking down at the ground. An angry furrow to his brow and he sent a glare at Sam who obviously sent him an Alpha command. "You left Edward," Jake managed to get out between clenched teeth.
"I didn't do it for you, Jake," Bella had to be honest with him. "I did it for me." Pain seared through her chest as it clashed through his brown eyes and Bella sighed, running her hand through her hair. "Listen, Jake…" She began, but Leah cut her off.
"Haven't you already said enough?" Leah snapped. "Why don't you just let him be?"
Instead of going quiet, or backing down, Bella's head snapped towards Leah. Her spine stiffened and she practically growled, "Why don't you just shut up for once?"
There were a few gasps and Leah herself looked surprised by the outburst. Before anyone could interrupt, Bella pushed forward, "You want to blame me for picking him over you Jake, fine. Blame me, it is your right but I'll be damned before I let you act like a victim. You aren't one. You hurt me just as bad as I hurt you."
"Bella…" Jake looked stunned.
"No," Bella cut him off. "I'm tired, Jake. I tried for you. I tried to love you, but you shut me out. You pushed me away just like Edward did. When I needed you, you hurt me all over again just like him. And you blame Alpha commands or whatever, but somewhere along the line the responsibility falls on you. I forgave Edward, and I forgave you. I gave Edward another chance, just like I gave you another chance, and yea, I chose Edward because I loved him in a way I just didn't love you. Was it wrong for not being completely honest with you? Yes, and it is something I will always regret. But I'm done with Edward and I'm done with you."
Jake took a step back as if she had physically struck him. "Both of you…you push and you pull and everyone else does too…and now, I don't know who I am anymore because I'm trying to please everyone. Trying to protect everyone, but myself," Bella's shoulders slumped tiredly. "I'm choosing me, Jake. I'm choosing me before I lose myself forever. I'm sorry. I really am."
"I…thought you loved me," Jake said, shattered.
"I do. A part of me always will, but sometimes Jake love just isn't enough," Bella told him, softly. Jake was her sun, his warmth surrounding her when she had felt cold and lifeless, teaching her how to live again. His warmth would always been something she cherished...something she would always miss. "And a part of me will always love Edward, too. But…if I can't be me and love someone, then it's not fair to them. And it sure as hell isn't fair to me." She turned away from them and looked at Emily. "Please tell my father that I'll be waiting in the truck."
"Okay," Emily stated softly.
Bella kept moving forward even though the sound of a wolf's heart breaking cry erupted from behind her. She couldn't turn back. Not now, because if she turned back…she'd never be able to go forward. For the first time in a long time, Bella realized looking in the rearview mirror as she waited, she recognized her reflection. And whatever happened…if Edward or Jake would be in her life in some way, if the Volturi came after her, whatever came her way…it would be on her terms.
It would be her choice.
Hope you enjoyed! RRs are appreciated! :D