It looked like everyone was having a good time. Well not exactly a good time but everyone seemed content. So why can't I feel this way? Because the only person I feel remotely content with is Adam; and he's gone.

I can't help but wonder, if Adam had never met me would he still be alive? I always come back to the same answer: yes. Like Drew said, I'm the reason he got into the van- to beg for my forgiveness. It makes my heart ache indescribably that in his last moments of life all he was thinking about was getting me back.

I miss him so much and I question if it ever gets easier. Will I ever be okay again? The weight of this whole ordeal is pressing down on my shoulders, pulling me down by my ankles with no hope of coming back up. I feel as if I will never be happy again; because he was my happiness.

He opened my eyes to a whole new world that I never even knew existed. I became a better person because of him; I now see people as themselves and not how they should be in the eyes of God. Adam taught me so much and I wish he were here because I know that his lessons were not finished.

And it's all my fault. My fault. Mine. If we had never met he would still be here. Why did I fall for him so hard? He made it so easy. The way his eyes looked straight into mine when we talked;that never failed to make my stomach flip. The way he always treated me with respect and kindness even though I didn't deserve it. He treated me like a princess and he was my prince.

I start to walk around, admiring how many friends Adam Torres really had. I see Dave smiling with Connor; Adam told me about Dave. How he could not accept that he was a boy, just like I did. But he eventually came around, just like I had and everyone else in his life. Adam always had a way of making people understand and that was one of the things I loved about him. He is so patient and willing.

Everyone is here...except for Drew. I wouldn't blame him- I took away his one and only little brother. I can feel myself tear up again. No, I can't cry, I can't ruin this. Adam wouldn't want me to cry in front of his friends- he would want you to smile. I smile while everyone around me reminisces and catches up with each other..

The tears want to fall but I need to hold them in; for Adam.

I feel a hand on shoulder and I see Bianca come into my view. She probably wants to bash me some more about this morning and what I said. I can't help that that was my initial response- I just wanted answer and even though it was a stupid thing to say at the time, but, nevertheless, it was an answer. I turn to see her face and was ready to see hatred but I saw nothing but compassion.

"You're going to be okay" she says as she starts to put her arms around me. I'm shocked that she would even look at me right now let alone hug me. I slowly put my arms around her as she continues to say "you're going to be okay."

Maybe I will be okay. Maybe I will learn how to live with this guilt. But for right now I'm not okay and it's fine that I'm not. So I hug Bianca tighter, let it all go, and I start to cry.

So I know I haven't written in a while. I apologize for that. I was writing during "Canonball" and then when I found out that Adam died I just stopped. Like I was beyond pissed at the writers because there were so many things they could have done to promote the texting and driving plot without Adam dying. And I could rant on and on about it but I'm not because it would turn into a 5,000 word thesis and yeah. But I am going to finish Retrograde(no, I haven't abandoned it) and I probably will finish Waking Up In A Daze as well. This couple was literally perfection and I cried when I realized they would be no more cute Beckdam scenes. I just. Ugh. WHAT THE FUCK. Okay, I'm sorry. I have another fiction coming in and then I'm going to start up Retrograde again.

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Thanks!

-SMS