Author's Note: This is shameless advertising, but I have written 18,000 words for my nanowrimo project which I have posted at
original./story.php?no600095564
please read and review, at this point in the process I need praise in order to kick my ass in gear. I should have been at 30,000 at least by now, but I've had a lot going on in the real world. Plus, I discovered today that I have pneumonia and it is really hard to type when you're coughing your lungs out of your throat. I hate being sick
anyway, this little fic is dedicated to my friend Angie who helped me work through it. It is a strange little thing and I have never attempted anything like it since. I'm not very good with humor, I generally prefer to write angsty stuff, but I enjoyed writing this. Basically, it happened in gym class my sophomore year of high school. We had a choice between flag football and self defense. Being girls with a hatred of football and no concept of how to play, we naturally chose self defense; though it wasn't exactly a better choice. After listening to our annoying gym teacher drone on and on and having to fill out fifty worksheets of do's and don'ts, Angie and I came up with the idea of characters from our three favorite series (ah my goddess, scar tissue, and gundam wing) teaching each other self defense. It made no sense then and makes less sense now, but I still find it amusing. As this is a sort of 'instructing' fic, you don't need any knowledge of the other two anime to understand it, it's just all in good fun, especially if you're like me and you had to sit through ridiculous crap like this.
Title: Self Defense (AKA Mace and a Fly Swatter)
Warnings: language, bashing of certain characters, random humor, cross over of series, implied yaoi, het, and incest (if you know Scar Tissue), and a little bit of cartoon violence, maybe OOC (actually, definite is a better word), short little one shot.
Pairings: just little mentions of various pairings you would see in fandoms of all of these animes.
You have been warned.
Twenty-one people stand in a blank room. They are, of course, our sixteen ethereals plus the five Gundam Pilots. The audience feels a sense of foreboding.
Shi: Hi! We're all here ta teach y'all 'bout… drum roll, please!
Kit and Hi (with blank stares): Dunanananana….
Inochi: self-defense
Wufei: Hey! I thought that this was the bathroom?!
Shi: Tough luck, Poofy Pants, anyhoo…
Shinigami: Hopefully, with these techniques, you will be able to beat the fuckin' shit out of you attacker
Shi: Oi! I'm talking here!
Yuri: Um, Shini, the point isn't to hurt people
Shinigami: grumble What's the point of learning self defense if you can't use it offensively?
Itami: Shini…
Shinigami: Grr, whatever
Peorth: cough Now, the three things everyone should follow-
Skuld: AAA!
Heero: Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous?
Yuki: Um… no…
Urd: Abusive Alcoholics Anonymous?
Quatre: No
Duo: Abusive Anime-aholics Attack?
All sans Duo: NO!
Peorth: I sense a reoccurring theme here
Blaike: I believe it's-
Hild: Awareness
Ling: Assessment
Sumire: Action
Belldandy: Duo and Wufei will demonstrate the following tatics of self-defense
Wufei: Huh?!
Trowa: Duo will be the victim and Wufei will be the offender
Wufei: WHAT?! I am not an active participant in this! I refuse!
Duo: getting into a fighting stance C'mon, Wu-man! Mug me!
Wufei: sputter
Shi: Lesson one!
Kit: How to
Hi: Correctly punch
Together: Your assailant
Shinigami: snicker Notice exhibit A
spotlight mysteriously turns on, shining on Relena
Blaike: Wait a minute… I thought Wufei and Duo were doing this demonstration?
Shi: Um, er, well, ya see… Duo's got a mean right hook mutter I speak from experience… and Wu-man's not that much of an ass… besides, it's the perfect opportunity to use her.
Relena: What am I doing here?! Let me go this instant!
Shi: See?
Blaike: Ah
Relena: Duo, you filthy rat! I know this is your entire fault! You blah blah blah blah!
Duo: cracks knuckles Oh, I am gonna enjoy this!
Relena: W-what are you…
SMACK
Inochi: ahem as Duo has demonstrated, the correct way to form a fist is to not tuck in your thumb as this can result in breaking it on impact. Also, do not hit in the face, but in the stomach. This is more effective when trying to escape
Relena: . is lying on floor, unconscious, clutching her stomach x.x
Yuki: snaps fingers and several chibi snow spirits drag Relena's limp body away
Inochi: Next—
Yuri: How to use your keys against a rapist-
Duo: O.O Eep! curls into a ball sobbing, having fanfiction flashbacks
Shi: Aww! Chibi! Kawaii! cuddles him
Duo: Waaah! whacks him into space with a kitchen sink he pulled out of braid space™
Yuri and Sumire: Ummm…
Hi: Unconventional
Kit: But effective
Heero: cuddles Duo
Duo: prrr…
Shi: back from Saturn Sniff. Not fair
Caroline: appears out of nowhere and cuddles Shi Honey! It's ok! I'm here!
Shi: hits her with a frying pan and sends her flying into the sky Grr, on'na. Oi, Shini, do we need to cover stalkers?
Shinigami: looks at clipboard Yep
Shi: Damn, looks like we'll be needing her…
Relena: HEEEEEERO!
SMACK
Duo: stretches felt even better a second time
Ling: Um, I think we'll be skipping the stalker bit
Shi and Duo and Heero: Awww
Inochi: Anyway… now Duo will demonstrate a reverse punch on Wufei since Relena has been… um… disposed of. Duo, try not to hit him too hard, ok?
Urd: Yeah, we need him for later.
Duo: kay!
Wufei: Maxwell…
Kit: Make like a mugger, Wuffles
Skuld: -.- Coming from him, that's kinda creepy
Wufei: grabs Duo's shoulder
Duo: spins around and sends a solid under kick to Wufei's groin
Wufei: O.O
Shinigami: . Ouch. That's gotta hurt…
Shi: laughing and once again, the kid proves that there is always a better way of doing things!
Sumire: And the lesson here is: you don't need to know karate if you know anatomy
Wufei: wheezing Can I go now?
Shi: nope
Duo: pokes at the clipboard 'Imposing size'?
Shi: Looks like you fail in that section!
Duo: sniff I'm short…
Shi: pats him on the head aww, you're not short, you're compact!
Kit: Oh, I'm sure that makes him feel much better!
Duo: Actually, it does
Inochi: This list rates inventory of skills and strengths of self. Let's see… ability to project a vigilant and un-victim-like persona
Shi: Once again, Duo fails
Duo: Shut up!
Shinigami: Too true, he's just so rape-able
Duo: Sniff
Hi: reading capacity for verbal assertiveness
Yuki: Is that, like, the ability to curse your attacker's ear off or something?
Kit: If so, Shi passes with flying colors
Shi: Woohoo! # Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep censor censor censor
Quatre: O.O
Trowa: covering Quatre's ears
Skuld: Lalalalalalalala
Peorth: . You actually kiss your boyfriend with that mouth?!
Shi: grin
Inochi: Okkkkk… capacity for aggressive physical action
Shi: We can skip that. Everyone here is plenty capable of 'aggressive physical action' AKA stabbing someone
Inochi: Do you walk assertively?
Shi: 'walk assertively'? What the hell is that?!
Inochi: I honestly have no idea. Do you walk on the outside of a sidewalk, away from doorways and shrubs?
Duo: Hee, hee, shrubs
Shi: But we don't have sidewalks
All: Oh, yeah…
Inochi: Do you have solid dead bolt locks on your doors?
Heero: Now that's just being paranoid. Not everyone is out to get you
Duo: Says Mr. Conspiracy
Inochi: do you have effective locks or bar braces on your sliding doors and windows?
Shi: They're glass. Locks are kinda pointless.
Inochi: Do you keep one of these by your bed: flashlight, whistle, or shriek alarm?
Shi: Heero does
Heero: I don't have a shriek alarm
Shi: What do you call Duo, then?
Duo: . What are you getting at?
Shi: All you need to do is yank his braid!
Duo: Hands off the hair! And I don't shriek
Yuri: Children! Behave!
Inochi: Do you check the back seat of your car before getting in?
All: No!
Shi: In this household, that could be hazardous to your health
Wufei: Goddamn hentais
Duo: You're just saying that because you never learn to knock!
Wufei: You don't know on car doors!
Duo: Well, you should!
Skuld: #.#
Inochi: Ok, going on… last lesson, how to throw off an attacker that is attacking from behind
Shi: No perverted thoughts
Shinigami: Hentai
Shi: Oi! I'm warning them not to think about it!
Kit: Which means that you did
Inochi: ahem
Kit and Shinigami and Shi: meep
Inochi: Duo, if you would be so kind?
Wufei grabs Duo around his stomach in what looks to be the Heimlich Maneuver. Duo, instead of just using the method to get him away from him, elbows Wufei in the stomach, flips him over his shoulder, and steps on him
Wufei: O.O Oof!
Shi: They should call this exercise: how to tell someone you're not chocking!
Inochi: sigh this was pointless
Duo: Are we done, now?
Shi: pats Duo on the head yep! Good boy! gives him a cookie
Duo: with cookie, climbs up Heero like a koala V
Wufei: X.X I still have to go to the bathroom…
Inochi: And this concludes yet another pointless Shii-chan tutorial production sighs
The End