Don't own 'em. Don't want to. Just like 'em.
Clive
Turntables
Scene 1:
[The Zon. Mystic Spiral is onstage. Daria, Tom and Jane are watching the show. We see Spiral over the top of the trio's heads].
Mystic Spiral:
Where's a watch?
It's time for you to change
Sick of your control
For me it's way too strange.
Down with Monday mornings
Down with 9 to 5
If it's all this boring
why try to stay alive?
[Fade music. Cut to Daria, Tom and Jane].
Tom: The lyrics are striking.
Jane: So was the smack in the face Trent got that inspired the song. [Daria and Tom look at her]. What? I was fixing breakfast and he got too close to the cupboard!
Daria: So Trent managed to suffer for his art without putting forth effort?
Jane: Avoiding effort is Trent's art.
[Tom looks around].
Tom: Hey, are either of you thirsty?
Daria: Yeah, I'll have a soda.
Jane: No thanks, I need to go to the bathroom. [exits, Tom exits in the opposite direction].
[Daria is left standing alone. A tall, dark haired boy with scraggly hair and an earring comes to stand next to her.]
OS: Thanks. We'll be back in an hour. Probably. We're Mystic Spiral, unless someone has a better name.]
Guy: Interesting band. Unique feel.
Daria: That feeling they have? Trauma at the light of day.
Guy: [laughs] So you have an eye for faux angst?
Daria: Yes, it's a great accessory to my faux tortured childhood and coordinates perfectly with my faux cynicism.
Guy: [smiles, makes eye contact.] I like your approach. [extends hand] I'm Brian.
[Daria takes his hand and shakes. Tom appears to one side and watches, two cups in his hand. Trent appears on the other side of the scene, and hangs in the background, just within earshot.]
Daria: I'm Daria. though I've been called by many other names.
Brian: You too? Maybe we can pool those and start a collective.
Daria: [smirks]
Brian: So, do you go to school around here?
Daria: Yeah, Lawndale.
Brian: the technical college? What vocation?
Daria: [eyes widen] oh, I'm not in college. Still high school, unfortunately.
Brian: My condolences. You seem so mature. Senior?
Daria: Yes, at least I have that I'm leaving on my side.
Brian: As well as a great sense of humor. You seem really fun, I'd like to get to know you. Could I get your phone number?
Daria: Excuse me?
Brian: I think you're really attractive. Could I get your phone number?
Daria: [a few moments silence] Uh, NO!
Brian: [puzzled] but we were hitting it off so well ?
Daria: I Have a boyfriend. What, do you think I'm just some cheap pickup?
Brian: Sorry I asked. Guess you're just a high schooler after all. [stomps off].
[Tom steps up next to Daria.]
Tom: What the hell was that?
Daria: He was trying to make a move on me. Way to defend my honor, there.
Tom: You didn't need defending. He was being perfectly nice.
Daria: By trying to get my phone number?
Tom: So he wanted to get to know you better. A jerk wouldn't bother getting acquainted.
Daria: Getting to know me requires social interaction, and I have better things to do.
Tom: Really? What we're doing is social interaction. Or am I taking up too much of your precious time?
Daria: That's not what I meant.
Tom: I know what you meant, that's why I'm so mad! Daria, you can't keep treating people who compliment you like they're going to take advantage of you. Most aren't going to do that. That guy was perfectly nice,
and you could have let him down equally nicely, and you went the bitch route instead.
Daria: So I'm a bitch?
Tom: You're acting like a bitch.
Daria: Oh, and there's such a difference there. How about I just date someone else and see if I'm nice enough to him to make you happy?
Tom: Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Go out with one other person, minimum three dates. He'll call me and report how you acted.
Daria: I would put up if someone would want to go out with me. Not going to happen, I guess you'll just have to feel superior without any supporting evidence.
[Trent steps into conversation circle.]
Trent: How about me?
[Daria and Tom together]: What?
Trent: So, you two gonna put up or shut up?
Scene 2:
[Daria's bedroom. Daria is sitting in the computer chair and Jane is sitting on the bed.]
Jane: Woah. Thanks for the heart attack.
Daria: Thanks for being so supportive.
Jane: It's my brother, Daria. I never actually wanted you to go out with him. I just enjoyed exploiting the one weakness I could find.
Daria: and now?
Jane: Aside from the ew, ew, ew and the whole Tom complication...
Daria: Yeah?
Jane: [shudders] Ew.
Daria: I was hoping you might be more forthcoming about why Trent is interested in this project.
Jane: Something about getting sick of the bad vibes from you and Tom and some comparison of you to a broken telephone.
Daria: Huh?
Jane: I can't recall exactly what he said; something about getting an immediate disconnect every time someone tries to
dial out.
Daria: Great to know Trent confuses me with household appliances. Hm, do I wear white too often?
Jane: Or a technological one. He has had moments where he almost seems to get you.
Daria: yeah?
Jane: don't get your hopes up. I said almost. In fact, lower your standards. You're about to truly sail the puddle that is Trent's soul.
Daria: And this from the person that loves him the best.
Jane: Y'know, if he really likes you, he'll brush his teeth for you.
[Daria covers her ears. End Scene].
Scene 3: [Morgendorffer entryway. Helen is on phone as she answers the door. Trent is standing in the doorway.]
Helen: Just a minute Eric. Oh, hi Trent, did Jane forget something?
Trent: No, I'm here to pick up Daria.
Helen: Is it time to shop for Jane's birthday present again?
Trent: Daria and I have a date tonight.
[Helen screams and drops her phone.]
Scene 4:
[Trent's car. Daria is in the passenger seat, Trent is driving.]
Daria: So, where are we going?
Trent: Nowhere. Somewhere. Wherever.
Daria: And this is a date?
Trent: Yeah. We're hanging out.
Daria: Hanging out is a date?
Trent: When I pick you up instead of having you come over, it's a date.
Daria: What is it if I come over?
Trent: Then it's just hanging out.
Daria: but that's all we're doing anyway.
Trent: Yeah, but there's a quality to the hanging out. This is a specific hanging out, not a random hanging out.
Daria: So if I'd wandered in last year, and Jane wasn't home, and stuck around in the same room as you?
Trent: we would have hung out. Randomly.
Daria: So now you drive to my house, pick me up, and we're going to your house.
Trent: For specific hanging out.
[Trent pulls up to Casa Lane, stops the car. Goes around and opens door for Daria.]
Daria: So what do we do?
Trent: Whatever.
Scene 5:
[Tom's house. The phone rings, and Tom picks up.]
Trent: Hey.
Tom: So Jane gave you my number?
Trent: Yeah.
Tom: How'd it go.
Trent: I don't know.
Tom: what did you do?
Trent: We hung out. It was cool.
Tom: So what did you *do*?
Trent: We hung out. Went to my house, I played guitar, we listened to music. It was cool.
Tom: That was it?
Trent: Hey, you went and did the greeting card thing with her already.
Tom: She told you about that?
Trent: We were hanging out; she told me lots of stuff.
Tom: Really?
Trent: No. But I still want some dirt on you, man.
Tom: For what?
Trent: Just to make sure you don't date my sister ever again.
Tom: I can understand that.
Trent: I knew you would. How's Elsie?
Tom: [GAH!}
[Cut to Trent alone, chuckling to himself over the dial tone.]
Scene 6: [Daria is driving Jake's Lexus. Trent is the in the seat next to her, blindfolded.]
Daria: How you doing Trent?
Trent: This is cool. Sort of like sleeping with my eyes open.
Daria: Don't get any ideas.
Trent: Why would blindfolds give me any ideas?
[silence. Daria pulls into a spot.]
Daria:OK, we're here.
Trent: where? [reaches for blindfold. Daria reaches out her hand to stop him.]
Daria: Not yet. [gets out of car, goes around to Trent's side, opens door.] Watch your head. [Trent gets out.]
Trent: something smells like coffee.
[Daria takes his hand and leads him through the doors of a Books-a-Million.]
Daria: Hold on [stands on tiptoe, removes Trent's blindfold.]
Trent: We're in a -[eyes widen as he recognizes surroundings] Bookstore.
[flashback: Amanda and Vincent are dressed in wizard caps and reading from podiums. A sign out front says Tolkien reading.
today. Trent is with them, about 13 years old, and dressed up as Gandalf. He is handing books out to children, who mob around
him, tugging at his robe and knees until he is buried in children. All we see is the tip of the cap under flailing arms and legs.]
[sees a Harry Potter display, sits on floor and grabs blindfold out of Daria's hand. Puts it
back on and sits on the floor.]
Trent: Let me know when the date's over.
Scene 7:
[The Pizza Place. Jane is sitting alone at a booth with a slice of pizza and a cup of soda. Tom enters.]
Tom: Hey, mind if I join you?
Jane: Seat's open. You just missed Daria.
Tom: Actually, that was deliberate. We're doing a no-communication thing while engaging in this experiment.
Jane: What's the point of the experiment, anyway?
Tom: To get Daria to loosen up and take a compliment.
Jane: Or to get her to stop being herself?
Tom: Jane, I like Daria. Just as she is.
Jane: Then why do you have such a problem with it when she acts like herself?
Tom: Jane, you didn't see her with that guy. She was over the top mean.
Jane: If you'd let her be her about it, her conscience would have caught up with her and she would have apologized to him on
her own.
Tom: Or given him her phone number.
Jane: If she's given him her phone number, Trent would not still be in our living room, in the fetal position and clutching a blindfold.
Tom: Oh good. I'm glad to know Daria had fun.
Jane: What gets me is you're not being sarcastic.
Scene 8:
[Daria and Trent are sitting in Trent's car in front of Casa Lane.]
Daria: I did apologize for the whole bookstore thing, right?
Trent: Yeah. You didn't know. [puts hand on Daria's shoulder] It's OK. I think what we planned together tonight
will be great for both of us.
Daria: You're right. Do we have everything?
Trent: Sure do.
[Cut to half-body shot. Both are dressed completely in black. Daria is wearing gloves and has several envelopes in her hand, and a Polaroid
in her lap. Trent sets a small package on the seat between them.]
Trent: [half-smiling at Daria] Are we ready?
Daria: Misedemeanor, ho!
Trent: I don't think that's a misdemeanor in Lawndale.
Scene 9:
[We see the Tank pull up outside the Guptys. Trent and Daria, keeping low to the ground, each grab a gnome and head back to the car.]
Scene 10:
[Trent and Daria are standing at the Morgendorffer's front door. ]
Trent: I think tonight went really well.
Daria: Think the Gupties have noticed their gnomes are missing?
Trent: They will.
Daria: Anyway, I better get going, I have class tomorrow.
Trent: Oh yeah. School. That sucks.
Daria: Yeah. {pause} I had fun tonight.
Trent: So did I. A lot of fun. [kisses Daria briefly on the lips]. Let's hang out sometime?
Daria: A random hang out or a specific hangout?
Trent: A specific hang out.
Scene 11:
[Tom, Daria and Jane are sitting at the Pizza place. Jane has her ears clamped and is rocking back and forth.]
Daria: You know, I thought you would be the one who was mad I kissed Trent.
Tom: Yeah, I thought I would be too. I'm not though.
Daria: that's probably good. Or really bad.
Tom: I think I proved my point that you need to open up to people more.
Daria: No, you didn't.
Tom: I didn't?
Daria: Nope. I still think the same thing I always did. But hey, I think I might spend more time with Trent now.
Tom: [look of confusion] What?
Daria: You were right that maybe I need to be more accepting of what comes to me. And Trent did come to me.
Tom: So where does that leave me?
Daria: Exactly where I want you.
[Final shot cuts to two Polaroids, of the Gupty's gnomes. Both have pierced ears and noses, and are sitting in the window
of Axl's piercing parlor.]
Clive
Turntables
Scene 1:
[The Zon. Mystic Spiral is onstage. Daria, Tom and Jane are watching the show. We see Spiral over the top of the trio's heads].
Mystic Spiral:
Where's a watch?
It's time for you to change
Sick of your control
For me it's way too strange.
Down with Monday mornings
Down with 9 to 5
If it's all this boring
why try to stay alive?
[Fade music. Cut to Daria, Tom and Jane].
Tom: The lyrics are striking.
Jane: So was the smack in the face Trent got that inspired the song. [Daria and Tom look at her]. What? I was fixing breakfast and he got too close to the cupboard!
Daria: So Trent managed to suffer for his art without putting forth effort?
Jane: Avoiding effort is Trent's art.
[Tom looks around].
Tom: Hey, are either of you thirsty?
Daria: Yeah, I'll have a soda.
Jane: No thanks, I need to go to the bathroom. [exits, Tom exits in the opposite direction].
[Daria is left standing alone. A tall, dark haired boy with scraggly hair and an earring comes to stand next to her.]
OS: Thanks. We'll be back in an hour. Probably. We're Mystic Spiral, unless someone has a better name.]
Guy: Interesting band. Unique feel.
Daria: That feeling they have? Trauma at the light of day.
Guy: [laughs] So you have an eye for faux angst?
Daria: Yes, it's a great accessory to my faux tortured childhood and coordinates perfectly with my faux cynicism.
Guy: [smiles, makes eye contact.] I like your approach. [extends hand] I'm Brian.
[Daria takes his hand and shakes. Tom appears to one side and watches, two cups in his hand. Trent appears on the other side of the scene, and hangs in the background, just within earshot.]
Daria: I'm Daria. though I've been called by many other names.
Brian: You too? Maybe we can pool those and start a collective.
Daria: [smirks]
Brian: So, do you go to school around here?
Daria: Yeah, Lawndale.
Brian: the technical college? What vocation?
Daria: [eyes widen] oh, I'm not in college. Still high school, unfortunately.
Brian: My condolences. You seem so mature. Senior?
Daria: Yes, at least I have that I'm leaving on my side.
Brian: As well as a great sense of humor. You seem really fun, I'd like to get to know you. Could I get your phone number?
Daria: Excuse me?
Brian: I think you're really attractive. Could I get your phone number?
Daria: [a few moments silence] Uh, NO!
Brian: [puzzled] but we were hitting it off so well ?
Daria: I Have a boyfriend. What, do you think I'm just some cheap pickup?
Brian: Sorry I asked. Guess you're just a high schooler after all. [stomps off].
[Tom steps up next to Daria.]
Tom: What the hell was that?
Daria: He was trying to make a move on me. Way to defend my honor, there.
Tom: You didn't need defending. He was being perfectly nice.
Daria: By trying to get my phone number?
Tom: So he wanted to get to know you better. A jerk wouldn't bother getting acquainted.
Daria: Getting to know me requires social interaction, and I have better things to do.
Tom: Really? What we're doing is social interaction. Or am I taking up too much of your precious time?
Daria: That's not what I meant.
Tom: I know what you meant, that's why I'm so mad! Daria, you can't keep treating people who compliment you like they're going to take advantage of you. Most aren't going to do that. That guy was perfectly nice,
and you could have let him down equally nicely, and you went the bitch route instead.
Daria: So I'm a bitch?
Tom: You're acting like a bitch.
Daria: Oh, and there's such a difference there. How about I just date someone else and see if I'm nice enough to him to make you happy?
Tom: Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Go out with one other person, minimum three dates. He'll call me and report how you acted.
Daria: I would put up if someone would want to go out with me. Not going to happen, I guess you'll just have to feel superior without any supporting evidence.
[Trent steps into conversation circle.]
Trent: How about me?
[Daria and Tom together]: What?
Trent: So, you two gonna put up or shut up?
Scene 2:
[Daria's bedroom. Daria is sitting in the computer chair and Jane is sitting on the bed.]
Jane: Woah. Thanks for the heart attack.
Daria: Thanks for being so supportive.
Jane: It's my brother, Daria. I never actually wanted you to go out with him. I just enjoyed exploiting the one weakness I could find.
Daria: and now?
Jane: Aside from the ew, ew, ew and the whole Tom complication...
Daria: Yeah?
Jane: [shudders] Ew.
Daria: I was hoping you might be more forthcoming about why Trent is interested in this project.
Jane: Something about getting sick of the bad vibes from you and Tom and some comparison of you to a broken telephone.
Daria: Huh?
Jane: I can't recall exactly what he said; something about getting an immediate disconnect every time someone tries to
dial out.
Daria: Great to know Trent confuses me with household appliances. Hm, do I wear white too often?
Jane: Or a technological one. He has had moments where he almost seems to get you.
Daria: yeah?
Jane: don't get your hopes up. I said almost. In fact, lower your standards. You're about to truly sail the puddle that is Trent's soul.
Daria: And this from the person that loves him the best.
Jane: Y'know, if he really likes you, he'll brush his teeth for you.
[Daria covers her ears. End Scene].
Scene 3: [Morgendorffer entryway. Helen is on phone as she answers the door. Trent is standing in the doorway.]
Helen: Just a minute Eric. Oh, hi Trent, did Jane forget something?
Trent: No, I'm here to pick up Daria.
Helen: Is it time to shop for Jane's birthday present again?
Trent: Daria and I have a date tonight.
[Helen screams and drops her phone.]
Scene 4:
[Trent's car. Daria is in the passenger seat, Trent is driving.]
Daria: So, where are we going?
Trent: Nowhere. Somewhere. Wherever.
Daria: And this is a date?
Trent: Yeah. We're hanging out.
Daria: Hanging out is a date?
Trent: When I pick you up instead of having you come over, it's a date.
Daria: What is it if I come over?
Trent: Then it's just hanging out.
Daria: but that's all we're doing anyway.
Trent: Yeah, but there's a quality to the hanging out. This is a specific hanging out, not a random hanging out.
Daria: So if I'd wandered in last year, and Jane wasn't home, and stuck around in the same room as you?
Trent: we would have hung out. Randomly.
Daria: So now you drive to my house, pick me up, and we're going to your house.
Trent: For specific hanging out.
[Trent pulls up to Casa Lane, stops the car. Goes around and opens door for Daria.]
Daria: So what do we do?
Trent: Whatever.
Scene 5:
[Tom's house. The phone rings, and Tom picks up.]
Trent: Hey.
Tom: So Jane gave you my number?
Trent: Yeah.
Tom: How'd it go.
Trent: I don't know.
Tom: what did you do?
Trent: We hung out. It was cool.
Tom: So what did you *do*?
Trent: We hung out. Went to my house, I played guitar, we listened to music. It was cool.
Tom: That was it?
Trent: Hey, you went and did the greeting card thing with her already.
Tom: She told you about that?
Trent: We were hanging out; she told me lots of stuff.
Tom: Really?
Trent: No. But I still want some dirt on you, man.
Tom: For what?
Trent: Just to make sure you don't date my sister ever again.
Tom: I can understand that.
Trent: I knew you would. How's Elsie?
Tom: [GAH!}
[Cut to Trent alone, chuckling to himself over the dial tone.]
Scene 6: [Daria is driving Jake's Lexus. Trent is the in the seat next to her, blindfolded.]
Daria: How you doing Trent?
Trent: This is cool. Sort of like sleeping with my eyes open.
Daria: Don't get any ideas.
Trent: Why would blindfolds give me any ideas?
[silence. Daria pulls into a spot.]
Daria:OK, we're here.
Trent: where? [reaches for blindfold. Daria reaches out her hand to stop him.]
Daria: Not yet. [gets out of car, goes around to Trent's side, opens door.] Watch your head. [Trent gets out.]
Trent: something smells like coffee.
[Daria takes his hand and leads him through the doors of a Books-a-Million.]
Daria: Hold on [stands on tiptoe, removes Trent's blindfold.]
Trent: We're in a -[eyes widen as he recognizes surroundings] Bookstore.
[flashback: Amanda and Vincent are dressed in wizard caps and reading from podiums. A sign out front says Tolkien reading.
today. Trent is with them, about 13 years old, and dressed up as Gandalf. He is handing books out to children, who mob around
him, tugging at his robe and knees until he is buried in children. All we see is the tip of the cap under flailing arms and legs.]
[sees a Harry Potter display, sits on floor and grabs blindfold out of Daria's hand. Puts it
back on and sits on the floor.]
Trent: Let me know when the date's over.
Scene 7:
[The Pizza Place. Jane is sitting alone at a booth with a slice of pizza and a cup of soda. Tom enters.]
Tom: Hey, mind if I join you?
Jane: Seat's open. You just missed Daria.
Tom: Actually, that was deliberate. We're doing a no-communication thing while engaging in this experiment.
Jane: What's the point of the experiment, anyway?
Tom: To get Daria to loosen up and take a compliment.
Jane: Or to get her to stop being herself?
Tom: Jane, I like Daria. Just as she is.
Jane: Then why do you have such a problem with it when she acts like herself?
Tom: Jane, you didn't see her with that guy. She was over the top mean.
Jane: If you'd let her be her about it, her conscience would have caught up with her and she would have apologized to him on
her own.
Tom: Or given him her phone number.
Jane: If she's given him her phone number, Trent would not still be in our living room, in the fetal position and clutching a blindfold.
Tom: Oh good. I'm glad to know Daria had fun.
Jane: What gets me is you're not being sarcastic.
Scene 8:
[Daria and Trent are sitting in Trent's car in front of Casa Lane.]
Daria: I did apologize for the whole bookstore thing, right?
Trent: Yeah. You didn't know. [puts hand on Daria's shoulder] It's OK. I think what we planned together tonight
will be great for both of us.
Daria: You're right. Do we have everything?
Trent: Sure do.
[Cut to half-body shot. Both are dressed completely in black. Daria is wearing gloves and has several envelopes in her hand, and a Polaroid
in her lap. Trent sets a small package on the seat between them.]
Trent: [half-smiling at Daria] Are we ready?
Daria: Misedemeanor, ho!
Trent: I don't think that's a misdemeanor in Lawndale.
Scene 9:
[We see the Tank pull up outside the Guptys. Trent and Daria, keeping low to the ground, each grab a gnome and head back to the car.]
Scene 10:
[Trent and Daria are standing at the Morgendorffer's front door. ]
Trent: I think tonight went really well.
Daria: Think the Gupties have noticed their gnomes are missing?
Trent: They will.
Daria: Anyway, I better get going, I have class tomorrow.
Trent: Oh yeah. School. That sucks.
Daria: Yeah. {pause} I had fun tonight.
Trent: So did I. A lot of fun. [kisses Daria briefly on the lips]. Let's hang out sometime?
Daria: A random hang out or a specific hangout?
Trent: A specific hang out.
Scene 11:
[Tom, Daria and Jane are sitting at the Pizza place. Jane has her ears clamped and is rocking back and forth.]
Daria: You know, I thought you would be the one who was mad I kissed Trent.
Tom: Yeah, I thought I would be too. I'm not though.
Daria: that's probably good. Or really bad.
Tom: I think I proved my point that you need to open up to people more.
Daria: No, you didn't.
Tom: I didn't?
Daria: Nope. I still think the same thing I always did. But hey, I think I might spend more time with Trent now.
Tom: [look of confusion] What?
Daria: You were right that maybe I need to be more accepting of what comes to me. And Trent did come to me.
Tom: So where does that leave me?
Daria: Exactly where I want you.
[Final shot cuts to two Polaroids, of the Gupty's gnomes. Both have pierced ears and noses, and are sitting in the window
of Axl's piercing parlor.]