After the Games

The days blended into one long seamless period of pain and torture for me. I don't know how many days and weeks passed because I was in a bubble, one from which there was no relief. The events of the last few years tortured me at night time. Those dreams full of all the people I had loved and lost. Prim, Rue, my father, Finnick, even Gale and Peeta.

Peeta – where was he? Why had he not come to see me?

He probably now realised I was never worthy of his love. I was damaged and always had been from the day my father was blasted to bits in the mines. The damage was only amplified by my experiences in the arena and the disaster which occurred in the Capitol. I knew I had never been good enough for him, Haymitch had told me that once and I knew it was true right from the very beginning. He was goodness and kindness personified a shining beacon in a dark sky. I couldn't understand what he could have possibly seen in me that singled me out as someone he could give his heart to. When I thought back to all he had done and sacrificed for me I wanted to scream at myself "how can you be so stupid! He is the best thing that will ever happen to you!" He had given his love so openly and freely and I had squandered it. Yes Haymitch was right I would never deserve him.

It didn't matter now. He didn't come home. He must have finally opened his eyes to the person I am and I can't blame him for not coming back to me. I was broken and for all I knew he was too. Two broken kids who would never be the same again.

The torture continued with no end in sight. Nothing to look forward to. No happiness in anything….

A few days later as I sit in my inept state before the fire Greasy Sae has lit I hear a digging sound. I don't register much of the comings and goings of other people but this has been relentless for a couple of hours and curiosity gets the better of me.

I make my way slowly into the study – a room I have not ventured into since before the last games, and make my way over to the window. The digging noise gets louder as I slowly pull back the curtain. There below me is a man hunched over a flower bed. A man with golden hair. A man my heart would recognise anywhere.

Awareness and amazement floods through me. Peeta - he has come back! I take a deep breath for the first time in months and relief floods though me – maybe he hasn't given up on me yet?

Without realising it I have been waiting for him. The knowledge hits me deep in the stomach. There was no light, no reason to do anything in the long endless months since I last saw him. It was different when Snow had him. I was tortured by the thought of him in pain but that feeling clouded what should have been so transparent.

I couldn't live without him.

This knowledge now shocks me out of my daze. I know now it wasn't just guilt and fear that tortured my mind in the months he was held captive in the Capitol. It was the feeling that half of myself was missing, my better half. From the first moment we were thrown together by events outside our control I had felt a connection to him. A connection that grew so deep he was now forever rooted in my soul.

He was part of me.

What we shared, all those experiences in the arena, I was now undeniably linked and bonded to him, welded together so tightly that I could never feel whole without him. He was the light in my never ending dark skies, the one person left who could make me happy and numb the pain of the past few years.

Why has it taken me so long to see this! I stand transfixed looking down on him. What should I do? How can I ever get him to forgive me for how I treated him? He loved me even before he knew me and then when we did become friends that love only grew. I didn't know why, I was only glad it had. I took him for granted.

Gale was my lifelong friend but the few kisses we shared had never been as earth shattering as the ones Peeta and I shared. I thought back to the beach and how when our lips met I went up on fire, my face burned with the memory, I had wanted more, forgetting our surroundings in the arena, it was just me and Peeta and no-one else mattered.

I stall now wondering what to do. I can't just rush into his arms even if that is what I desperately want to do. My hands go to my face in worry. I don't yet know why he is here and if he feels anything for me now. My gut twists, what if he has realised he doesn't love me anymore? The Peeta who loved me would have been here the first day I came home, not left me for weeks trying to find some way out of the blackness Prims death has surrounded me in. I can't blame him, I have taken so much from him and when he needed my help most after he was hijacked I let him down. I was still embarrassed about that. Ashamed that I was not there to help him battle through the darkness that he had been in. I look down at myself, God I was a mess. I couldn't let him see me like this I thought as my vanity, something I didn't think I possessed, took over.

Peeta hadn't seen me in months and even if he hadn't come back for me now, I want to look at least half presentable for our reunion. I run up the stairs, my legs shake at the most exercise they have had in months. I march into the bathroom and approach the mirror to get a good look at myself, I hadn't done this in a long time and I was shocked at what I saw. It was worse than I imagined, I was a mess. My hair was matted to my head in clumps; parts of it had been burned off and were singed at the ends. When I took of my jumper, large lumps of dried skin came with it where new skin had formed over my burns. My nails were filthy and long and my skin was covered in scars and burns. I slumped to the ground in defeat.

He would never want me now.

Big fat teardrops rolled down my face as I realise just how awful I now look. I feel defeated. I was no longer the Katniss; Peeta had fallen in love with. I sucked in a breath of air; no I wasn't the same but was any of us? I push myself off the floor and started to fill the bath. I had to make the best of this. I had to face Peeta and even if I wasn't going to be pretty at least I could be clean and presentable.

An hour later I had done the best I could. My prep team would probably throw their hands up in despair if they could see me now I thought. I looked in the mirror and was happy that I at least look presentable now. I had cut the ends of my hair so now it was all the one length and had less of a singed look about it. My skin had been scrubbed so it was shinny and red. I slathered some cream on it I found hiding in the bathroom cupboard. My face and my body looked gaunt but there was nothing I could do about that. I pulled on a pair of black trousers and a shirt that I found in my wardrobe. Both were too big but a belt helped the outfit. I took a deep breath. I could do this. I walked down the stairs my stomach in knots listening out for sounds from the garden.

I faced the front door and pulled it open. His eyes shot up to meet mine and he stood up "Katniss" he whispered.

I drank him in with my eyes. He was perfect. Maybe a bit war torn with scars and burns but perfect to me. Bright blue eyes looked eagerly into my own. I eyed him warily trying to gage what he was thinking.

"Peeta" I said, using my vocal chords for the first time in a long while. It came out sounding croaky but full of want and need even to my ears. He took a step towards me, swallowing hard as his hands reached for me, tears filling his eyes.

"Oh Peeta!" I could stand it no longer, I raced into his arms. "You came back, I wasn't sure you would", tears streamed down my face. I gazed up at his face, he looked so handsome, more so than I remembered.

His eyes looked deep into mine "Of course I was coming back to you Katniss. You know I can't leave you."

He hesitantly caressed my face looking at every detail as if he hadn't seen me in years.

"The Doctors only just let me go and I came straight here. I feel a lot better".

As I looked at him, I saw that it was true; the old Peeta looked down at me, his eyes full of the admiration that I always took for granted.

"You're back! Oh Peeta, I have been such a fool, how could I never have seen what everyone else saw." I gulped back my tears, I had to get this right "I…I. Love you and I know I don't deserve it, but I'm going to prove it to you every day so maybe someday you can love me back again!"

Peeta looked down at me, his eyes full of shock and took a step back "You …. You love me?" He took a deep breath not daring to hope "Please don't say it Katniss, not if you are going to take it back later, not if you don't mean it" he stepped back again, his face full of doubt.

I took a deep breath feeling bereft at the distance he had placed between us.

"I'm not lying to you Peeta. I will never do that again. I'm in love with you. "It comes out rushed but I need to make him believe.

Peeta looks at me uncertainly. "You only think that Katniss. You have had months, no years, to feel like this and you didn't, you only think you love me now because I am here in front of you. "I see the anguish wash over his face "But what if Gale had come instead, wouldn't you be saying the same thing to him?"

Gale's words ring in my ears. Katniss will pick the person she can't survive without. I can see now what I have done to him. All those months of taking his love and only returning it in my limited way has made him doubt me now. All my indecision between him and Gale has left him feeling he can never trust my feelings for him. Realisation washes over me and a pain stabs my heart for all the hurt I have caused him. I need to make him see there is no competition anymore.

" I'm not sure when it happened" I start, " but all I know is that when you are not with me, I can't breathe right, nothing matters, there is no colour or light in anything and my heart feels as if it is missing".

I look down not believing I am baring my soul like this. Redness floods my cheeks but I make myself continue.

"That day when you were rescued and came back to District 13, I was so happy." My heart twists remembering that day "I knew then that I loved you but then you, well you know what happened." I looked at him then as a tortured look crossed his face. "After that I just thought you were gone forever, that the Capitol had separated us like Snow wanted."

Gulping air I continued "I tried to bury my pain after that, threw myself into training and tried not to think I had lost you forever but at night when I closed my eyes, you were all I could think about. I never knew pain like it. I thought I had lost you forever Peeta". Tears streamed down my face.

"Now that everything is done, no war, no Snow, no Mockingjay I can tell you with all my heart that I love you and only you Peeta. " I dropped my head to my chest not daring to look at him.

"My heart is yours if you want it." I whispered. I stood there hardly able to breathe. I had never opened up like this to anybody. Only the prospect of Peeta never believing me had me spilling all my innermost secrets. I had held all this pain in for so long but now with Peeta stood before me I knew that I was right to tell him. He had to know, he deserved to know, that in the end I choose him.

Peeta looked dumbstruck. He ran his fingers through his hair, looking at me in shock. "Katniss", his voice came out like a whisper, "you have no idea how long I have dreamed and hoped you would love me."

Tears filled his eyes spilling over to run down his cheeks. Hope begins to flood my soul as I silently beg him to continue.

"I have been yours since we were five years old, when I first saw you and my heart stopped. It has been yours ever since".

Peeta took a step back towards me; I slowly lift my face to meet his eyes not daring to believe what he is saying. His eyes are trained on me and I can read the sincerity and truth in them. He continues on in that soft tone that belongs only to him.

"I have loved you for so long and dreamed of hearing you feeling the same for so many years. You are all I have ever wanted. There is no one else for me and I have always known that."

My heart beat so loudly I think it's going to jump out of my chest. "If you had died I would have too because without you I can't live and that is the simple truth." I stand frozen to the spot not daring to believe this is real, but his eyes and words are compelling me to believe him. "You are the only girl in the world for me Katniss and that will never ever change."

With that he closes the distance between us and grabs me by the waist. My arms go round his neck clutching him so tightly, never wanting to let go. I push my face into his shirt, breathing in Peeta and feel happiness wash over me.

"It was always you Peeta", I whisper into his chest.

His hand moves down to slowly brush a strand of my hair behind my ear while caressing my cheek. He lifts my chin so my eyes can look into his own. They are clear and sparking and full of something I recognise from a long time ago.

He caresses my face as he whispers "you don't have to wait for me to love you again because I have never stopped. The Capitol tried their best but deep down I knew I couldn't hate you, my girl on fire. My love for you is part of who I am and it will never change".

I look at him scarcely believing this was happening, we had both lost so much, we were scared, damaged and broken but somehow, between the two of us all those broken pieces fitted together. Slowly, without thinking about it, I angle my mouth up to meet his lips. We touch tentatively at first but the fire that I thought went out a long time ago flares up between us again and I experience the most pure, mind-blowing kiss of my life. Now with nothing between us only love, I feel that I have come home and I can slowly walk toward the future with the most amazing person by my side.