A/N: This story will contain deleted scenes and possibly an alternate ending to the story words of revolution. The below scene is referenced in chapter 12 of Words of Revolution when Kirk mentions the footage from the Kelvin , Ponte made him watch. To anybody that possibly believes this mimics a relief counselling session I have this to say: Ponte is a very awful psychiatrist and should never be allowed to counsel anybody.

Deleted scene : Kirk sees footage from the Kelvin and survivor's recounts of the incident.

Kirk followed the tide of cadets from the mess hall; most were going to class or study hall. He was going to another place, his least favourite place: Ponte's office. The stuffy place was overfilled with ancient hard copies of books and odd sculptures and antiques. The walls were a drab brown with wood panelling and the whole place had the smell of musk and an old earth cologne called old spice. Kirk hated old spice, Frank had worn it. The chairs in the office were overlarge and genuine leather, they were quite expensive. Almost everything in Relik's office was a show of wealth. The man had numerous pictures of antique vehicles and when he had seen Kirk examining the photos he had remarked that 'he had a large collection of the vehicles."

The discussion of vehicles had of course been slowly changed to the car Kirk's father had owned, and the time Kirk had nearly killed himself driving it off a cliff. Questions of whether he had been suicidal then and whether he was now had followed. And the counselling session had of course culminated in more in depth discussions of Kirk's life and trying to connect almost all of his actions, past, present, and future to the Kelvin.

Kirk hated the counselling sessions. Each session hadn't gotten better, it had only been worse. It wasn't helping him to relieve all the events of his past life. And Ponte seemed to take an almost perverse delight in provoking Kirk so he would say something, then he would continually question him on the comment until he said something else.

Kirk hesitated when he reached Ponte's office. His hand was poised above the old-fashioned wood door but he didn't knock. Finally he steeled himself and tapped his fist once on the door. He heard "come in "and entered.

Ponte looked up from where he was sitting at his desk reading a report of some sort written out on flimsies. The man took an antique set of reading glasses off and said "Hello James."

Kirk gritted his teeth and didn't reply. No matter how many times he had told Ponte in the harshest tones possible that he hated being called James the man persisted. It only made Kirk hate Ponte more. Only Frank had ever called him James on a regular basis.

Kirk slipped his bag off and slammed it on the floor. He took his usual seat and glared at Ponte. Ponte was unfazed. He came out from behind his desk and settled in a chair across from Kirk.

"What should we talk about today?"

"I don't know you tell me. You're the one with all the answers right?" Kirk said sarcastically.

Ponte arched his fingers and regarded Kirk thoughtfully. "Well we've discussed your family and your interactions with them; we've delved into your unhealthy expressions of anger. Today I think would be a good time to discuss what all these previous problems are related to the Kelvin."

"Whatever, you just love to talk about the f—king Kelvin don't you?" Kirk was disgusted with the whole situation.

Ponte ignored the comment and continued. "Mentioning the Kelvin disturbs you because it reminds you of what you've lost, correct?"

"And the loss of your father changed your whole life." Ponte continued pretending he hadn't heard Kirk's previous remark. "Tell me James. Has anybody every told you that you have a remarkable resemblance to George Kirk, your father? Maybe you've even been mistaken for him a few times?"

Kirk didn't respond, but he remembered coming home sometimes and his mother would look at him with a happy look surprised look on her face for a few seconds then it would fade. Like she was seeing someone she hadn't seen in a long time... someone who had died years earlier. He remembered as a child seeing the start of a name that wasn't his own form on her lips before she caught herself and gave a fake smile, saying "Jimmy" instead. Kirk swallowed and tried not to think about how much pain his mother's actions had caused him as a child. He tried not to think about how much pain they still caused him.

Ponte wasn't discouraged by Kirk's lack of response. Their counselling sessions often were like this., Ponte speculated and Kirk was quiet except for a few sarcastic remarks until Ponte pushed him far enough to evoke a response.

"Maybe, your mother sometimes mistook you for your father and called you by his name or—"

Kirk had had enough. "It isn't any of your business how my mother felt about me. Yeah, I look like my father, but I'm not him! And everybody needs to shut the f—up about-" Kirk broke off realising he had just given Ponte what he wanted.

"You see there is anger wrapped up in any mention of the Kelvin or your father. You need to find a way to change your thinking about the situation with the Kelvin and in turn your father from a negative to a positive. " Ponte continued . " You need to stop being selfish and think of the many people who were saved by your father's sacrifice... and I have some material that will help..."

"Play Holo 356.2 please." Ponte said aloud addressing the Holo monitor sitting at a table across from them.

Kirk glanced at the Holo as a flare of light came from the machine and an image began to form. He asked "Is this supposed to be one of those damn videos they show in schools about, not getting angry and all that crap? " He added "Because if it is I'll tell you right now, you're wasting your time. No stupid sh—like that is going to convince me you shouldn't fight people who are asking for it or that f—king honesty is the best policy or whatever sh—you're trying to indoctrinate me with. "

"I think this footage will have a greater impact on you than you think."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Just watch James and tell me what you think afterwards." Ponte turned the volume up and Kirk saw that an image had formed. It was of a woman about 40's with a kind face and tired eyes. Kirk watched as the woman settled into a seat across from a man with a Starfleet uniform.

The man said "Can you please state your name and rank for the record ma'am?"

The women answered. "Certainly, my name is Emalie Price, former ensign on the U.S.S Kelvin."

Kirk glanced at Ponte, now he realised the psychiatrist's angle and resolved to give the man no satisfaction in his attempts to evoke a response.

"Ms. Price can you detail what happened the day the U.S.S Kelvin was attacked and destroyed for the record please."

"I will Lieutenant. " She paused and took a sip of water that was sitting on a table near her then started. "The day we were attacked, I was in main Engineering. We were running a systems check. Standard Op nothing fancy, anyway on the bridge they must have heard a distress call or maybe they saw an anomaly on the sensors. I wasn't on the bridge, you understand, but there's a reason they ventured from our course..." Price continued detailing the events that had led up to when captain Robau left the ship.

"And then we heard over the intercom, that the first officer Kirk was the acting Captain. I remember almost falling into the warp core when I heard Robau was killed. It was really scary. It was my first voyage out and the captain's killed. Engineering was chaos. We were trying to reroute power, seal hull breaches, move the wounded to sickbay. I felt like I was doing a million different things at once." Price paused her face was very pale.

"Then it might have been minutes later , but it felt like hours, the order came to evacuate. The red alert lights were flashing, pressure sirens were sounding, screaming was everywhere and the cries of the wounded filled the air. Around engineering people were abandoning their posts, some stopped to help the wounded, most didn't. I grabbed a young woman I knew-she wasn't badly injured –just a broken arm and then we were running through the corridors trying desperately to make it to the evac shuttles in time. "

The woman stopped talking and took several deep breaths.

Kirk saw her dab her eyes before continuing.

People were screaming. People were lying in the condors in pools of blood- a few had vacuum exposure—but-I-I didn't stop to help... There was no time." Her tone was almost pleading the interviewer to agree with her. He didn't respond and after a moment she continued. "We got to the evac shuttles and managed to get on. As I was boarding I saw a woman being wheeled into a shuttle and it looked like the first's officers wife. She was in labour."

Kirk started at the mention of his mother.

"The shuttle I was on took off. Within moments of taking off I heard the first officer's wife, I think her name was Winona. I heard the sounds of her giving birth and begging the pilot to stay and wait for her husband. I head the sounds of the Captain's child taking its first breaths and the hurried conversation between captain Kirk and Winona..."

Kirk leaned forward in his seat slightly. He had heard his father and mother's last conversation many times on documentaries and moves made of the incident but this woman's recount of the words was different. In the documentaries it had been different words, words about how he was doing this to save people and other patriotic phrases. It wasn't the recount that the woman told now.

"... Then, they started discussing the child's name and I heard them decide on James—" Price gave a little laugh. "The woman, Winona had initially suggested Tiberius as the baby's name. Can you imagine being called Tiberius for your whole life?...Then I heard them saying to each other 'I love you, I love you' repeatedly and Kirk continued repeating it until the last time it was cut off and we all saw the Kelvin slam into the Narada. It was destroyed nobody could have survived.-Winona-she—she let out the most agonised cry I've ever heard."

Price was sobbing,. She dabbed her eyes and hiccupped for a minute or two before saying. "And the baby James Kirk was crying in the background. All I could think of was how his father George Kirk had died to save all of us. We slowly left the blast area and the baby's cries still echoed in my ears. I've always wondered what happened to that child..."

The interviewer said "Thank you Miss Price for sharing your experiences." The camera zoomed in on the interviewer and he said "This was Survivor # 493 Miss Emalie Price, former engineering ensign on the U.S.S Kelvin. Next survivor # 421 will tell us how it was in medical that—"

Ponte paused the Holo and said "James, what are you feelings about what you just watched?"

Kirk took a moment before speaking. He was very disturbed by what he had watched. The way Price described his father last words and his mother's initial reaction to his death hurt. It hurt because, now that he was hearing the real words and not a Starfleet –sanitized version that was used for propaganda, he understood why his life had been as it had. His mother hadn't got over his father's death and his father hadn't been at all ready to die. It wasn't the sacrifice of a hero; it was the desperation of a man trying to save his wife and child. Age old guilt flared up as Kirk thought of his father dying to save him and he realized why his mother had always looked at him oddly it wasn't sadness completely that he had been seeing in her eyes. It was blame; she blamed him for his father dying.

His mother probably thought that maybe his father wouldn't have stayed on the bridge and been the one to try to destroy the Narada if he hadn't wanted to make sure that his wife and son got away. Kirk knew he shouldn't have felt guilty about being born, but he did.

He felt as guilty as he had every time, his mother looked at him and he had known she was wishing he was someone else. He felt the same guilt he felt when she accidentally called him George. He felt the same guilt he had when he was younger and he had taken his brother's music player, borrowing it and breaking it. Sam had found the ruined device and angrily yelled "There you go again always messing stuff up, You ruined everything ever since the day you were born and dad stayed on that ship making sure you lived and he died leaving us to deal with mom and that a—hole Frank." Kirk had been five at the time and he had broken out into tears; Sam almost immediately apologized, as he realised what he had said. But it was too late Kirk finally knew how his brother felt. And he had never forgotten it.

Kirk didn't say any of what he was thinking instead he said calmly "It sounded like the Kelvin bothered her alot ...maybe she should be the one in here getting counselling for it." He yawned and nonchalantly placed his arms behind his head.

Ponte pursed his lips and then turned the Holo back on. Kirk defiantly sat through twenty more recounts of the Kelvin. Many were more disturbing than Price's recount. Outwardly Kirk gave no sign that it was getting to him, but inside a torrent of emotions was threatening to overtake him.

When the holo finally finished Ponte turned to watch Kirk. Kirk's breathing had increased, his heart was thumping uncomfortably against his ribs and he could tell his face was pale, but when Ponte asked again "How did that footage make you feel?" Kirk didn't let his voice betray him.

"I feel like those crew had a tough time but they really need to get over it." Kirk continued flippantly "That was a long time ago very few people died on the Kelvin and they only were in that 'Awful situation' for an hour-hour and a half tops. They didn't have to deal with something like that for months like, I—"Kirk broke off realizing he was saying too much.

Ponte missed the broken off start of a sentence and instead asked about Kirk's first comment. "Why would they have had to deal with it for months? What did you mean by that?"

"I was just saying some people had to deal with worse for a lot longer . And I can't bring myself to feel—"

"Feel sorry for them? Fell empathy for their situation?"

Kirk didn't respond, but Ponte took his silence as agreement. He continued "James to truly understand somebody you have to see their circumstances. And with this next Holo we'll do just that." Ponte turned to the Holo and said "Please play Holo 346."

Kirk watched as more images formed. This one was of a ship's corridor. People jogged down it, red alert lights were flashing and sires could be heard, but the seeming chaos wasn't fazing the crew. They were orderly. Their movements were purposeful with no hints of panic. Minutes passed and he saw what he had realized now was the crew of the Kelvin , react to Robau's death and the situation becoming more dire.

The footage Ponte had was from cameras throughout the Kelvin and Kirk briefly wondered how he had gotten a hold of it. Then he remembered Renfield had probably given the man access to assist him in counselling Kirk.

A section of corridor was breached and metal shards flew inward decapitating an ensign who had moments earlier been assisting in evacuating an injured crewman. The people helping him had a second to be shocked at his twitching body and the widening puddle of blood before they along with it were sucked into the cold depths of space. The camera switched to an impromptu triage centre in one of the rec rooms, people were lying there moaning and crying, and bleeding to death as medical personnel struggled to stabilize them.

The camera switched to engineering. Sparks were flying and dead and injured engineering personnel littered the decks. Their comrades who were too busy trying to save everybody else couldn't stop to help them.

Scene after scene flashed by. Each was filled with blood, death, smoke and screaming.

The screaming bothered Kirk the most. He tried closing his eyes but the visceral noise was getting to him. He didn't care that he was giving Ponte what he wanted. He couldn't keep the horror from his voice as opened his eyes and whispered "Please turn it off."

Ponte shook his head. "You need to see this."

"I –I know what happened on the Kelvin was serious but I can't watch anymore. I can't. Turn it off."

"You need to watch this to understand why your father's sacrifice was so important. He wasn't leaving you he was giving these people a chance at life." Ponte gestured toward the Holo and Kirk glanced at the screen and immediately regretted it as he saw a console blow apart badly burning and killing a young woman. He wrenched his gaze away.

"I understand what you're saying, but turn it off" Kirk all but begged, the screaming was bringing back memories of other screams long ago. Kirk's face was twisted in an effort to keep the memories at bay.

Ponte was unmoved. "The emotions you're experiencing are good you need to work them out."

Flashes of memories were twisting and mixing the present. Kirk screwed his eyes up but they were coming faster and faster. Glimpses of long –dead faces, snatches of conversation, sounds of destruction. He had to get out. Kirk's eyes snapped open. He moved out his seat toward the door on unsteady legs. The door wouldn't open. Kirk desperately banged a fist against it and wrenched at the handle, it still wouldn't open. Ponte said from behind him. "You can't get away from this James"

Kirk turned around and started toward the psychiatrist with a wild look in his eyes. "Y-you let me ou—" Kirk broke off as a loud scream pierced the air this one was both in his mind and the Holo. He glanced at the Holo and saw a crewmember dragging a woman away from the body she was kneeling next to, the screaming didn't stop. Kirk sank to his knees and put his hands over his ears muffling the noise from the Holo but allowing the noise in his mind to be heard clearly. His war to not go back, to where the images and sounds from the Holos were wrenching him was lost . The screaming was filling his mind, drowning him in memories and he surrendered.

...A trussed Thessian woman was screaming as one of Kodos' troops dragged her child from her arms and three other soldiers raised their weapons towards the small child. Her husband who was badly beaten struggled to his knees, as best he could with the restraints on his limbs. The man yelled "Leave him alone."

"Shut up." One of the soldiers struck the man, momentarily dazing the alien. He also swung his rifle at the woman catching her in the ribs. Kirk heard the audible sound of them breaking, and the woman's cries subsided somewhat. The man raised himself up with dark gray blood trickling form a cut near his eye and said " Kill me , but leave my son and my wife, you have no reason to hurt them."

"We have an order, that's reason enough. I'm not risking my own family to help you." The solider said harshly but he looked troubled. He glanced at the other soldiers and the alien heard him say quietly "Maybe just this once we could—" The rest of the words were too low to hear.

Finally one of other soldiers turned from the conversation and said in a disgruntled voice "This idiot here wants to let you go. I say kill you but here's what we'll do." The man dropped the little boy and walked over to the alien he quickly cut the restraints and dragged the thin alien man to his feet. "Your race is supposed to be one of the fastest in the galaxy right? I always wanted to see. You've got—" He checked his chronometer. "Five to get out of weapon range, if you're gone then I'll let you and them go. If not you all die."

The alien man was trembling Kirk saw him glance between the soldiers and his family frantically like he didn't believe them. The soldiers snickered at the alien's fear and the one who had given the offer said "You remember how fast they said these f—kers run? Think it's true?"

Most of the other soldiers laughed and one said "I don't know Luzru but there's only one way to find out." The soldier gave the Thessian man a vicious kick. "Get grey skin."

The man took one last look at his family then he took off running. Kirk held his breath watching the alien man and silently urging him on. The man never had a chance.

The soldier, who had first made the proposal, Luzru, raised his rifle when barely a minute had elapsed. His friends behind him laughed as he calmly took aim and shot the alien in the back of his head.

The man's wife began screaming again as she saw what had happened. She screamed as they took her son again and shot him also. She continued screaming as the soldiers went to her and focused their attentions on her for almost an hour. She screamed until they finally killed her. And Kirk was ashamed to finally feel relieved when he heard a shot and her cries ceased. He couldn't take the screaming and no matter what he did he couldn't prevent it from filtering past the fingers he had stuffed in his ears to drown out the soldiers' coarse talk and her screams...

... Kirk crouched on the floor struggling to hold down the leg of a delirious child. The boy had woken moments before. Sevek's nerve pinch wasn't enough to keep the child out for long while Carla did her best to amputate the leg quickly. Two other kids were holding down the thrashing boy's upper body. As Carla cut, the coppery smell of blood filled the air. The child, who had been doing his best to be quiet, because somewhere in his hallucinating mind he remembered noise was death, lost the fight.

The boy yelled so loud Kirk was sure he could be heard miles away. The screams grew louder and more agonising. Even the hand that was clamped over the boy's mouth wasn't enough to muffle the yells. Sweat dripped down Kirk's nose, even though the air was cool. He felt himself growing dizzy but he shook his head, he couldn't afford to be weak. He had to get through this, he couldn't run away. Kirk forced himself to continuing holding the boy down. He wished the feverish boy would pass out, but the cries only grew louder...

...He was too far away to do anything and even if he did he would be caught and suffer the same fate. People were led out the building and lined up in a courtyard, men, women, and children. Kirk saw one little girl clutching a dirty toy animal. A soldier ripped it from her grasp and trampled it on the ground. The little girl stared at her toy, but didn't make a sound she was too terrified.

More and more people filed out. Some were crying, most were silent. A few resisted. The troops causally beat back the offenders and when the group was assembled. The soldiers lined up surrounding the group of people.

Kirk was shaking as he watched the soldiers' raise their weapons in one precise movement. Somebody screamed and others followed. People tried to run. The soldiers opened fire and the next moments were filled with weapon fire and –screams. Blood curdling, terrified screams that were unforgettable. Screaming, visceral sounds that—

"James, James?"

Somebody was calling his name...but the only person who called him that was Frank. The remnants of screams were still filtering thorough his mind. Kirk felt somebody slapping his face and wondered was Frank trying to wake him up after knocking him unconscious. Kirk blindly pushed the arm away and tried to move out the way. He snapped his eyes open and saw Ponte's bulging face leaning over him.

He didn't know who the psychiatrist was at first. He panicked and violently shoved the man's arms away as he tried to keep him from rising. "G-get a-away." Kirk gasped. He couldn't get to his feet. He stumbled and tripped his body was shaking. He scooted away from Ponte and bumped into a table sending a pitcher of cold water cascading down drenching him.

The cold water shocked him bringing him back to himself enough to remember where he was. He looked around and realised he was in a psychiatrist's office. He remembered the hearing the Holo and then apparently he had passed out. He slowly raised himself to his feet and a surge of dizziness passed through him. Kirk unsteadily moved toward his seat and dropped into it.

Ponte returned to his seat and Kirk was disgusted to see an almost satisfied expression on his face. Ponte said "Interesting. You seem to find this footage as disturbing as someone that's actually been in this situation."

Kirk didn't say anything. He was too focused on slowing down his breathing. Screams were echoing in his mind

Ponte continued. "It's something rarely seen in a close friend or family member of a person who has suffered a traumatic incident. The family or friend reacts to certain stimuli in a similar manner as the person who actually experienced the incident."

Ponte took a sip of water and said "It's an interesting phenomenon. A way to understand it is to think a when a husband may sometimes experience some of the same odd symptoms as his pregnant wife, even morning sickness or food cravings..."

Kirk raised a trembling hand and brushed his damp, lank hair from his brow .He didn't feel good. He wondered if Ponte would let him go now, so he could lie down. Then he decided he didn't want to lie down, if he did he might fall asleep and then he would dream.

Ponte was asking him another question. "Tell me James. Did watching this footage bring any images specific images to mind for you?"

Kirk took a deep breath. He felt confused by what he had seen, Ponte's question caught him off guard and the thought of lying didn't even come to his mind. "There was screaming, everywhere. People were dying. T-their bodies were falling—o-one by one. I-I didn't want to watch, b-but I did. The little girl landed next to her toy...People were running over her. T-They were trampling her as they tried to escape." Kirk stopped speaking. His lunch was doing somersaults in his stomach as he recounted the imagery.

"You weren't even old enough to see these events on the Kelvin, but your mind has apparently manufactured them like you were there in response to subconscious guilt. Do you feel this is a possibility?" Ponte asked leaning forward.

"What? Yeah—Yeah." Kirk said . He wasn't listening to Ponte he was trying to forget. "Look, c-can I go?" Kirk asked as his stomach did another flip-flop.

Ponte ignored the question and said "Your response is interesting. I've only read about somebody like you before. Of course it's possible that you have these problems because you may be more susceptible to mental illness. Did any of your family have ..."

Kirk tasted his turkey sandwich from lunch in the back of his mouth and repeated "Unlock the door, I need to go to the bathroom."

Ponte looked like he might refuse, but Kirk had stood and was swaying slightly. His face was greyish. Ponte glanced at the expensive rug on his floor and then at Kirk who was swallowing repeatedly. The psychiatrist said quickly "You may leave, we'll pick this up before your next class." He pressed a button on a control near his chair.

Kirk almost ran to the door. He left the office, but he didn't make it to the bathroom. Halfway there acid filled his mouth and he veered off to a nearby disposal chute and was sick. His stomach emptied all its contents, until he was spitting up saliva and bile and still his abdomen contracted painfully. He straightened up moments later and washed his mouth out at a water fountain. He drank a few sips, sat down on a bench, and placed his head in his hands.

It was becoming too much, the daily counselling sessions weren't helping they were hurting a lot. It seemed like almost every session with Ponte the man found some way to bring up back memories of Tarsus IV. Kirk couldn't help wondering sometimes whether the psychiatrist knew he was a Tarsus 9 and was deliberately torturing him. But he realised Ponte was sadistic and the man was like everybody else on campus. They all were clueless and thought they had the answers. They thought they knew how to help him, but they didn't. What he needed wasn't counselling or anger management lessons. It wasn't pity. Or people pretending to understand him. What he needed was for everybody to stop discussing Tarsus IV and bringing back memories of it so he could forget.

Kirk raised his head and tried to still his trembling hands. He stared at a small oddly shaped scar on his palm and remembered how he had gotten the scar.

Kirk quickly went to the disposal chute again as another memory flashed into his mind and he threw up. Kirk was still coughing up the sticky mixture of bile and water he had drank when he heard "Jim?"

He glanced around and saw McCoy walking towards him. A flare of anger rushed through him at the sight of the his once friend. McCoy was the reason he had to spend over an hour each day remembering events he had done his best to forget. McCoy was the reason he had memories swarming through his mind of events that he hadn't thought about for months.

He was angry at McCoy for finding him like this and for making him get a psych eval in the first place. Kirk straightened up and wiped a sleeve across his mouth and running nose. McCoy repeated "Jim.?" He took in his friend's appearance and added " You look awful." and reached out to touch him.

Kirk flinched and pushed McCoy's hand away and said "Leave me alone!"

" what's going on?"

Kirk didn't answer. He glared at McCoy and then mumbled "nothing." And started to turn away.

McCoy halted his motion by placing a hand on his shoulder and said "Jim, what—"

Kirk pulled away from McCoy and then turned back to the doctor and snarled. "Don't touch me! Don't ask me another question! And don't say my name again. Or I'll make it the last thing you ever do!"

McCoy's arm fell back abruptly as he aborted his attempt to make contact with Kirk. He took a half-step backward, utterly startled at the younger man's tone.

Kirk and McCoy stared at each other. Then without a word Kirk turned and walked back to Ponte's office, not because he wanted to go back to the psychiatrist's office. But because he knew if he didn't come back, Ponte would either call Renfield to report him for not attending his mandatory counselling as ordered or he would call security and have them escort Kirk back to his office. Kirk had no desire to experience the indignity of either.

You can probably see why this scene was cut. It was necessary to the story, but I still felt it shouldn't be wasted. So enjoy and as always reviews are welcome. There's another deleted scene coming up soon...