It had taken one year, two months, four days and three hours for it to come to this. That long until she finally let herself cry, let herself feel all of the anguish and sadness and heartbreak that had been filling her up. That long since she had ruined her chance of a wonderful future. Brennan had thought about it so many times, she had unwillingly etched that moment forever in her mind.
One year, two months, four days and three hours ago, Booth had asked her to give them a chance. And one year, two months, four days, and three hours ago she'd said no.
One year and one month ago, she'd escaped to the Maluku Islands. And Booth had deployed to Afghanistan.
Nine months ago, she'd realized the mistake that she'd made. Nine months ago she hoped she still had a chance.
Six months ago the entire team was called home. Angela and Hodgins travelled back from Paris, Sweets returned to his job with the FBI, Brennan and Daisy came home after a fruitless trip on the Islands. And Special Agent Seeley Booth flew back from the Middle East.
Temperance Brennan had hope then. From the second she had seen Booth, she felt her metaphorical heart lifting. Seeing him had made everything feel like home, and she had hoped, beyond reason, that he would let her change her mind, and let her give them a chance.
Whatever Dr. Temperance Brennan expected to happen, she was wrong. So very, very wrong.
In less than a day, any hope she had was crushed. Not that she had admitted that to herself. The two of them had met at the reflecting pool, just like they'd promised. He'd asked her if she had met anyone, and she stifled the joy as she told him that, no, she'd never had the time. But then he told her about Hannah, the journalist he'd met overseas. Then, Brennan had hid the hurt in her expression, and told Booth she was happy for him. Soon after, Hannah had followed him to D.C.
She had told herself that it was best for everyone, that rationally, she still wasn't the kind of woman that could give him her 30, 40 or 50 years. Brennan blamed her earlier desire to have a relationship with her partner on the heat of the islands, and her longing for their previous normalcy.
Dr. Temperance Brennan and Special Agent Seeley Booth returned to a platonic, if strained partnership. Every time they were together, she had to squelch the quiet whispers in her head that told her that this was all wrong and that she should do something. She made her best efforts not to let Booth see what she was dealing with. She constantly commented on compatibility between her partner and his new girlfriend. She even struck up a shaky friendship with the other woman.
Everyone at the lab was skeptical of the brave face she was putting on. They noticed the long and late hours she worked, the look in her eyes every time Hannah came around, and the lack of Booth's presence. Her best friend, Angela, continually offered up comforting words, while Brennan repeatedly brushed them off as unnecessary. And while she denied feeling any kind of anything about the situation, she still knew that they knew what was going on inside her head, and that worried her. Maybe she wasn't fooling everyone as well as she'd thought. And if a group of very literal, and very socially stinted scientists could figure that out, had Booth figured it out too?
But she needn't have worried. Booth was no longer as focused on her as he had once been. They hardly ever went out to eat together, there was never any more late night takeout while they went over cases. The deep connection they had once shared had withered away into nothing but a professional partnership. Taking care of her was no longer the number one thing on his mind, the woman waiting for him at home was.
Over the last six months, she'd spent countless hours rationalizing the situation she was now in. But no matter how many times Brennan had told herself that love was nothing but a chemical reaction, and that Booth should always be simply her partner, she couldn't seem to stop feeling that ever present dull ache. And as the months wore on, those quiet whispers had grown to a dull roar pleading with her to just do something about these feelings.
And what had led to tonight? Tonight she lay in her bed, alone, sobbing over everything she could have gained, but lost instead. Dr. Temperance Brennan, who tried so hard to be a rational, emotionless human being, could not stop the tears that were falling. She was hurt, and she could no longer ignore the pain and loneliness that had been growing in every deep, dark corner of her mind. And she was angry. Angry at herself for not taking the chance when she had it, for allowing the idea of loving Booth into her head, and angry at Booth for making her feel this way, and not even noticing.
The catalyst for her emotional breakdown occurred earlier that afternoon. Hannah had asked her to lunch. Brennan had been hesitant at first, as she always was about spending time with Hannah, but the blonde had looked so excited, and so expectant, she could think of no reason to say no. Hannah talked about her daily life with Booth, funny and sweet things Booth had done for her, annoying things he did at home. She called him Seeley, and while Brennan sat there silently, she felt as though they were discussing someone she didn't even know, all the while trying to push down those feelings. But then the conversation took a turn, and Hannah, with a giant grin on her face, began talking of things that made the walls Brennan had built up in her head around those terrible, painful feelings had come crashing down.
"Seeley is the most amazing man I've ever met." Hannah had said. "I've spent so much of my life chasing news and adventure, but things are so much different now."
"How?" was the only phrase Temperance had been able to muster, while something in her head screamed at her that she didn't really want to hear the answer.
"I just feel like, for the first time, I could settle down. I could really marry Seeley. I have even thought about just asking him to get married myself!"
Brennan kept her face in check, refusing to let Hannah see the flood of emotional pain that statement had let loose. She blathered out some nonsense about Booth's alpha male tendencies and pride, then excused herself, telling Hannah she needed to get back to work.
She spent the next few hours staring listlessly at some remains in Limbo, holding back tears she'd never expecting to have and accomplishing very little. She had gone home, early for once, hoping to find something else to get her mind off of what Hannah had said. She'd tried to read an anthropological journal, but the articles had passed in and out of her mind without really meaning anything. She'd tried to work on her latest novel, but "Kathy" and "Andy's" relationship was hitting too close to home at the moment. She'd drawn herself a bath, put on some old records, and tried to drown out her thoughts with music. But the dull roar within her heart and mind was growing steadily, like a big, dark, evil thing threatening to swallow her.
Temperance had crawled into bed, hoping that sleep would stay the disaster that was surely building in her own heart. And she did sleep, for a moment at least. And then she had dreamt. She dreamt of sunlight streaming through her curtains onto the two of them in bed. She dreamt of his arm holding her close, while he whispered "I love you's" into the crook of her neck. And then she had woken.
Brennan awoke to the feeling of her metaphorical crushing, breaking, fracturing. She began to cry, harder then she had when her parents left, harder than she had when they discovered her mother. The sobs wracked through her body in painful waves, and she could not stop herself from gasping for air. She was uncontrollable, and inconsolable. She had lost what was surely the only thing that would have made her life truly worth living.
Dr. Temperance Brennan had never cried over a man in her entire life, save for her father, and her she was, hysterical and crushed by the man who was supposed to be her best friend.
She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't pretend that everything was fine between her and Booth. She needed to do something. She wanted to run from this, and run from him. She could request another partner, but he would start asking questions. She could escape to another remote country, take a sabbatical, but eventually Brennan would have to return. She could look for another job, but she had so many friends here. Would she be willing to give that up?
It didn't matter. Temperance simply could not suffer this pain any longer. She could not push her emotions down and she could not pretend any longer that her heart wasn't torn to pieces every time she saw Booth and Hannah together.
She had to do something.