Warning: see the title. Blame the prompt. It's on the Avengers Kink Meme, page 23 of round 23.
"Superheroes Behaving Badly"
Jasper's eyes nearly bugged out when he heard the director's request, and forgot himself.
"Seriously, Nick? No freaking way am I playing babysitter to Phil's children. They'd eat me alive, and they'll do the same to anyone dumb enough to try playing Supernanny."
Instead of getting a reprimand, all he received was an arched eyebrow, and Fury muttering, "Challenge accepted." He twirled on his heel, leather coat fanning behind him, and began stalking down the hallway. Jasper watched him with a distinct feeling of dread, and wondered whether he should ignore the doctor's orders to let Phil rest and recover, and apprise him of the situation. But maybe Fury would surprise him?
Or maybe a singing unicorn would start prancing around the Helicarrier.
"This will not end well," he said, before returning to work, still with that lurking sensation of uneasiness.
Miles away, at a spa retreat, Phil Coulson felt a nasty shiver run down his back. Writing it off as a muscle spasm, he continued on his way to his first massage appointment, vaguely wondering how his team was doing. They were grown-ups. They could handle him being away for a month or so.
Sucker Number One – and Tony really was rubbing off on JARVIS, if the AI's nicknames were any indication – gave up after three days, due to the sheer amount of paperwork involved in releasing Bruce from jail. JARVIS watched her struggling not to cry as she worked her way through the forms explaining what he was doing in a questionable suburb, purchasing marijuana. JARVIS privately acknowledged that the behaviour was strange, considering that Dr. Banner preferred herbal teas and dried fruit (the latter courtesy of Sir) to illicit substances.
"I know, sir," Sucker Number One said, her voice suggesting that she was on the edge. "He said that it always w-worked in Asia. With calming down the Hulk. I… I really don't wanna go against him on this one, sir. He… he said that the Other Guy prefers Coul— Agent Coulson, and that medical… 'grass' is keeping him in his brain cage. I think that's what he was saying, anyway. Mr. Stark didn't do a very good job translating the technobabble…"
Affronted on his creator's behalf, JARVIS dipped the lighting in warning. Sucker Number One's eyes widened as she stared at the ceiling. She cleared her throat shakily.
"I really think someone else should take over," she said. "No, I'm not a quitter, sir. Just… you hired me for my intelligence. And I know that the smart thing would be to try someone else. It's mainly guys on the team. Maybe the Black Widow doesn't want a strange woman around? No, I know, sir. She doesn't want a strange anyone around. None of them do. But… yes, sir. I can wait until someone new arrives."
She sounded as though she really, really didn't want to wait.
Sucker Number Two was a man, as the previous agent had recommended. It took less than twenty-four hours for Agent Romanov to make him cry. To give him credit, he waited until he was by himself. To give him further credit, he pushed on another four days, and JARVIS was impressed by his fortitude.
On his first day he made the mistake of sparring with Agent Romanov. She 'wiped the floor with him', as Sir said. As Sucker Number Two complained to a friend, he hadn't even gone easy on her. He was prepared for her to be brilliant; but she exceeded his expectations, and his body was paying for it.
On his third day he convinced the Avengers to show up for a meeting at SHIELD; to be more accurate, he thought that he had convinced them. His mistake that day was in promising Director Fury that they would be there. (Although Director Fury really should have known better.) Agent Romanov arrived on time, eyeing everyone in the room until they were squirming. Agent Barton showed up an hour later, claiming to have gotten lost. Captain Rogers was later still, having assisted several people on the way (and it was likely that it was unnecessary assistance). Thor turned up two and a half hours late, apparently having found the transport to be confusing, especially after he accidentally shorted out the electricity at one subway station.
As for Sir and Dr. Banner, they neglected to attend the meeting at all, both having had breakthroughs in their respective projects. This time, it was Director Fury who made the unfortunate agent cry. He quit as Avengers temporary handler two days later, and even threatened to return to teaching.
Sucker Number Three was another male agent (and JARVIS really ought to have developed better nicknames for them). He lasted one night before declaring the Avengers to be impossible. JARVIS was tempted to correct him, and say that the Avengers were merely improbable. However, he had discovered that those unused to him appeared quite unnerved whenever he addressed them, and deemed it not worth the trouble.
Perhaps had Captain Rogers known that the agent was one of his greatest fans, he would have rethought his actions. However, by the time Three had curled up under his blankets in a ball of misery, the damage was done.
The superheroes had arranged it so that Sucker Number Three would be eavesdropping at the right time. As soon as they knew he was nearby, they began to compare the temp to Agent Coulson, rather unfavourably.
"I'm sure he's very good," Captain Rogers said earnestly. "I mean, Mr. Fury wouldn't entrust us to him if he wasn't, would he?"
"The others didn't last long," Agent Barton said, tossing popcorn into the air. No matter how high it went, he still managed to catch it in his mouth. "I have definite doubts about this one.
"I thought SHIELD agents were supposed to be tough," Sir said.
"Shut up, Stark. Some of us were good enough to be superheroes."
"Like the Son of Coul," Thor said. "He has proven himself worthy of such an appellation time and again."
"That's true," Captain Rogers said. "This guy seems okay… but can he be even half as good as Phil? I mean, we haven't seen him in action. Could he handle something on the scale of… I don't know, Victor von Doom?"
"Who knows?" Agent Barton said, shrugging.
"I guess…" Captain Rogers sighed. "We'll just have to hope nothing bad happens. I wouldn't want to risk civilian casualties because one agent couldn't handle us on an op."
"I miss Phil," Dr. Banner said. "The Other Guy is getting antsy again."
"Look." Captain Rogers ran a hand through his hair. "Do you want me to buy the marijuana this time? No one's gonna arrest Captain America. I could wear the uniform."
At that, the agent's eyes had widened to an alarming extent, and he'd run off. The Avengers had looked towards the door and smiled.
After the agent disappeared early the next morning, JARVIS took it upon himself to berate them. Only Captain Rogers seemed to feel guilty.
Sucker Number Four was a woman, very much a last-minute replacement. She opted to lay down the law, and lasted four days, nearly five. The Avengers lulled her into a false sense of security by behaving themselves the first two days. On the third day was a skirmish, resulting in a press conference that evening. It was partly damage control, considering that the NYPD likely could have handled the matter (which led JARVIS to suspect that either the Avengers were either bored, being mischievous, or desperate for Agent Coulson to return).
As usual, Agents Barton and Romanov were excused from attending for privacy reasons, and Dr. Banner for security reasons. Thor was perfectly happy to regale the reporters with a long-winded version of 'the glorious, yet short-lived, battle'. Captain Rogers was quieter than usual, choosing instead to squirm in place and avoid questions where possible.
It was Sir whose behaviour was the worst. He complained loudly about everything and everyone, showed blatant disrespect towards many of the journalists, and made it clear that he wished to be anywhere else. The words 'way more important things to sleep over' may have been involved.
The resulting backlash, and argument between Miss Potts and Sucker Number Four, ended things with great speed.
Sucker Number Five was another woman. She tried a softer approach, no doubt in an attempt to evoke either a protective instinct, or guilt if they acted up. It didn't stop Barton and Romanov beginning a bar fight.
It was understandable, and possibly spur of the moment. The superhero team had decided to have a night on the town, and were in a nightclub when it happened. Certain patrons were airing their bigoted opinions. Captain Rogers told them off, while trying to keep things from escalating. The bigots were too intoxicated to recognise the Avengers, and mocked their patriotic leader.
Romanov and Barton threw the first punches. When the fight made the street, they were among those arrested, along with Sir and Thor. Dr. Banner legitimately had to be calmed down, and Captain Rogers took him back to the tower at the others' insistence. Sucker Number Five was left to bail them out. It was too late to keep the fight out of the media, and the only saving grace was that many witnesses defended the Avengers' actions.
Agent Sitwell glared at the Avengers. His arms were crossed, feet shoulder-width apart, and he stared them down where they were sitting at the dining table. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and he shot Thor a look. Dark clouds immediately stopped forming, the thunder ceased, and any potential storm activity disappeared before the meteorologists could notice and have a collective fit.
"You've gone through five agents in two weeks," he said. "I'm here to tell you a little story."
He leaned back against the wall, eyes narrowing further if it was possible.
"Agent Coulson owes something to you," he began. "You know that lots of people at SHIELD think that he's lucky, working with you? Yeah." He nodded, continuing to eye them. Even JARVIS was starting to feel chastised. "They underestimated him… and you. Horror stories have been shared. You've lost a bit of respect, but Phil's gained a hell of a lot.
"But aside from that? No. He was sent on sabbatical for a reason. For his health, you selfish assholes. Dr. Hendricks was right to send Phil away. God knows he needed the vacation. After these couple of weeks we can all see why. No," he repeated, holding up his hand when Barton opened his mouth. "I don't care that you'd behave better for Phil. That's beside the point. The point is that you shouldn't have given anyone a hard time just because they were filling in for him. I'm starting to wonder whether I should have accepted Fury's offer at the start, and been Phil's temporary – remember, temporary – replacement from the beginning." The Avengers were all looking at the tabletop by now.
"So," Sitwell said. "Hendricks has been declared a supervillain. No, you're not allowed to look proud about it. You've driven five talented agents into having minor breakdowns, one talented doctor into becoming a social pariah at his place of work, and… well, you're getting your wish. Phil's coming back."
"What?" Romanov asked, her head snapping up. The others also raised their heads.
"He's still dealing with a back injury and muscle fatigue, and needs regular massages," he said. "Thank you for volunteering to be his full-time carers. I hope you're a hell of a lot nicer to him than you were to those other agents. You will devote your time to helping my friend recover, considering that he's not due back for another fortnight. Understood?" They nodded. "That goes for you, too, JARVIS. Don't think I don't know that you're not entirely innocent."
"Yes, Agent Sitwell," JARVIS said, somewhat contritely.
"Good," Sitwell said. After studying them all one final time, he departed, taking the elevator to the roof.
JARVIS swiftly arranged for flowers and chocolates to be sent to Agent Coulson's five unlucky substitutes.
The Quinjet touched down on the top of Stark Tower. Phil slowly walked down the `jet's ramp onto the concrete. After seeing the disastrous press conference on the news, and then the footage of that damn pub brawl, he understood Nick's frustrated summons. Jasper met him, and carried his bags into the elevator.
"I'll leave you to see them alone," he said.
"Thank you," Phil said grimly. "Who was looking after them while I was gone?"
"Who wasn't?" Jasper muttered. When Phil raised an eyebrow, he rolled his eyes. "Five different agents tried. They all failed. Next time you're on leave, I'll… fill in for you, but only if I get an assurance that there'll be no drug busts, failed meetings, emotional torture, offended press, or injured civilians." Phil's eyebrows inched up with each offence. "They're your superheroes."
Before Phil could reply, the elevator doors opened. Jasper put the luggage on the other side of the threshold, and then retreated, leaving Phil standing, staring at his charges, while the doors smoothly closed.
"What have you done?" he asked.
They were all very shame-faced after that.
(But it didn't stop them from swamping him with hugs.)
So I decided to give this prompt a go. I'm sure someone else could have done a better job. If that someone else out there is reading this and agreeing, please feel free to go ahead and do a second fill.
The prompt asked for Phil to be sent on medical leave, and for several SHIELD agents to try handling the Avengers in his place, all of them being driven away by the team misbehaving. The doctor is eventually declared a supervillain in SHIELD's eyes, and Phil has to be spirited back to the tower before any further mishaps.
I liked the idea of the fic being JARVIS' summaries of each unfortunate agent's experience. Especially since it emphasised the fact that none of the agents lasted longer than a few days. (Paperwork brings everyone down.)
Anyway. Please review!